Good luck with it James!

How did you go about getting the investment?

Nothing's official yet but we'll have a base with contributions from family/friends. Most likely, we'll seek out other investors to match and fill in the blanks with fundraisers and other methods. So essentially, we'll have a multi-pronged approach to finances. The project I'm working on now pulled in a decent budget with the same approach and since I'll be working with the same producers, I've got a good feeling about this one.

Hey James, what do you mean by a "decent budget"?

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey James, what do you mean by a "decent budget"?

Let's say $6-8,000, using at least 50% of our own equipment and some (if not all) people working for free. This is definitely an indie project but it's a short and given the story, we really don't need all that much to make it work. We're not shooting on camcorders in our backyards either and everyone involved is involved in filmmaking.

hey James.

so i told you i was going to read and comment yesterday, so here i am.

first and foremost, loved the gore and attention to detail. i always find your writing to be a wild ride no matter what i read. the hammer in the eye socket to the drilling of the head...loved it, loved it, loved it.

i found each scene easy to read and follow...individually however. as a whole, there's a lot of jumping around. perhaps a bit too much jumping around. this might work better on screen of course, but while writing it, i constantly had to do a mental check to see where i was at in the story.

i liked the whole fantasy killings (especially after reading your sherlock holmes explanation). however with all of the jumping around, it might confuse the audience even more on screen. unless you clearly indicate where you are in each scene, it might be a bit confusing. its a cool effect and id hate to see it cut, but it might not work in the story's nonlinear structure.

i enjoyed the dialogue. thought the dialogue in the first scene might have been a bit much and a little wordy (as well as a few other spots in the script). but thats not a big deal.

i really like the idea of the script. and i really like misery. she's a total badass with a chip on her shoulder. however, would it be cliched to add a bit of back story? theres a reason why misery decided to kill her husband while marion forgave hers. what makes the two different and why? although you touch on this, id like to see more (but thats just me).

i also didnt get why marion seemed to be fine with Neal at the end. saying things like "how do i look?" seems odd considering the hate she must still harbor for him. furthermore i wasnt sure how much time passed between neal telling her that he's cheating on her and misery killing them both (if any).

heres an idea. what if in that first scene with marion and misery, you make it appear as though she's paying misery to kill neal, but later continue that scene and reveal that marion backs out and pays her half the money for her trouble. just an idea.

so overall i think you have a solid story that just needs to be reordered. the non linear format makes it kind of confusing and distracts from the story. i would simply rearrange it and add/remove some bits and pieces here and there.

overall, awesome read and a crazy good time.

Thanks for the read, Will.

Yeah, the nonlinear seems to be fucking with a lot of people. I think I've neglected to note that the two events occur several years apart. Might stick a SUPER at the beginning and try to make the transitions between the two events smoother. If I told the story in linear order, I think it would be even more fucked up dramatically speaking but I'll figure out where the pieces need to go/be.

Several years apart?  HUH?  How could anyone know that?

If nothing else, you'd need to include a different age in your description of Misery in the first scene of the different time period.  Maybe she has a different look?  Shorter/longer hair?  Something to set it off from the other events.

No worries. I'm on it.

James,

excited to hear you're going to direct this yourself. There were some cool visuals in this one.

I agree and disagree with some of the other comments. I'm not worried about correct format anymore when I read, but in this case I agree with Jeff. I found the slugs especially to be very sloppy. INT. FOREST???  You have a lot of INT. when they really should be EXT.mYou might want to go over those again.

It says in the logline that this is noir.  IMHO, you need to cut the dialogue down a lot to give a better noir feel. You have several long blocks of dialogue. I would suggest rewriting them or break them up some. I'd also skip the daytime scene and make it night too.

Jeff cringed at some of your descriptions. I loved them. Hammer into eyesocket! Why wouldn't someone love that. It works for me. Don't change!!…but, maybe I'm weird.

I found it odd that Misery wears sunglasses and a veil in the beginning. What's the reason for that? IMHO that would definitely draw attention to her.

The characters didn't really engage me. Not sure why, but I didn't connect with them. I think it's important that we do so it all doesn't just come across as a cold piece of cool looking film. I think a bit of backstory might fix that. Seems Misery goes a little overboard with her killing for having been cheated on. Maybe something happened in her past. Maybe her dad cheated on her mother and her mother took her own life because of it? There should be a reason why she reacts the way she does.

I also agree with those who said it read a little confusing, but then like you or someone else said "it might work better as a film than on paper".

The name Misery made me think of the movie Misery and the book character in it.  Btw, did someone ever mention her name in your story? If not then the title is just a title.

Good luck with this James. I hope I get to see it when you're finished with it.

Pia  


PS. How's Frozen coming?

Thanks for the read, Pia.

Given the reviews so far, I'm actually very disappointed in myself and I hope no one takes this as a sign of future habits. I don't think the script is bad but I have realized it's extremely premature and should never have been posted as is. I think it's a rare case, for my part, of being too eager to get something read. So apologies in that regard.

Quoted from Grandma Bear It says in the logline that this is noir.  IMHO, you need to cut the dialogue down a lot to give a better noir feel. You have several long blocks of dialogue. I would suggest rewriting them or break them up some. I'd also skip the daytime scene and make it night too.

I'll see what I can do.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I found it odd that Misery wears sunglasses and a veil in the beginning. What's the reason for that? IMHO that would definitely draw attention to her.

This was so Todd wouldn't recognize her if he caught a glimpse of her face in the car. Of course, if he saw the car or the license plate, the jig would be up. But the point was that if he glanced at her in passing, he wouldn't notice. When she's monitoring their conversation, she's in the shadows so they wouldn't see her.

I'll think about this.

Quoted from Grandma Bear The characters didn't really engage me. Not sure why, but I didn't connect with them. I think it's important that we do so it all doesn't just come across as a cold piece of cool looking film. I think a bit of backstory might fix that. Seems Misery goes a little overboard with her killing for having been cheated on. Maybe something happened in her past. Maybe her dad cheated on her mother and her mother took her own life because of it? There should be a reason why she reacts the way she does.

This is the biggest screw up for me thus far that others have pointed out in different ways. Misery murdering her husband is the past event that makes her react to Marion the way she does. I do have to clarify this as well as the way Misery feels about murdering her husband.
I suppose reading it as two events that occur in the same space of time would leave the story feeling hollow.

Also, I'm becoming steadily more conscious of the fact that I have a propensity of writing characters that people have a hard time relating to. I think even if this script had came across exactly how I wanted to, that might've still been a problem. I think the average moviegoer expects a certain kind of character when they go to the movies and I prefer to write a different kind of character for a different kind of moviegoer.

Not sure what to do about this, to be honest. Not sure if I want to do anything. Just not sure...

Quoted from Grandma Bear The name Misery made me think of the movie Misery and the book character in it.  Btw, did someone ever mention her name in your story? If not then the title is just a title.

Misery isn't her real name and no one mentions her name in the script. It's just a placeholder that, corny or not, reads infinitely better than something like THE WOMAN.

Thanks again, Pia. Always a pleasure.

Quoted from Grandma Bear PS. How's Frozen coming?

Still fundraising and talking to cast and crew, I expect. Maybe a couple have progressed into more intermediate negotiations but I'm not quite sure. Production's scheduled for next May so we've still got a ways to go. No worries. Preproduction is a slow process except when it's a fast process and when it's a fast process, it's a disaster so I'm happy to be patient for a little while.

Quoted from James McClung Given the reviews so far, I'm actually very disappointed in myself and I hope no one takes this as a sign of future habits. I don't think the script is bad but I have realized it's extremely premature and should never have been posted as is. I think it's a rare case, for my part, of being too eager to get something read. So apologies in that regard.

Don't feel that way. By posting an early draft you hopefully got some good suggestion that will help with a rewrite.

You did good. Just needs tweaking.  

I don't think it's an abomination. It's the lack of restraint on my part that disappoints me. In hindsight, I still would've preferred to post a better script.

Whatever. The script is up. I'm taking/have taken all comments into account.

James, my man, IMO, it's very difficult to give true characterization to your characters in a short, and even harder when you have 2 completely unrelated events taking place, years apart.

IMO, good characters don't have to be universally liked or be universally likable.  They can be exactly the opposite, actually.  But they need to have personality and some quirks to make them be memorable and engaging.

The majority of your script is not dialogue or character interaction based.  The only dialogue you really have here is either cliche (situational) or big blocks of exposition, with no response.

Your main character, Misery (who I now find out isn't even her real name), is a cold, methodical killer, and the only real glimpse into who she may actually be occurs in the last few lines, when she lies down and hugs her dead hubby's corpse.

There's no humor, no playfulness, nothing outside of the context of the plot going on for anyone, and I think that's where it fails, in terms of character.

Just some thoughts...

Playing with ideas:

Thinking about how Misery evolves into a "hitman".

Wouldn't it be cool if at the beginning(chronologically, not necessarily in story), Misery found out her husband was cheating, and hired a hitwoman to kill him. But the hitwoman ended up having an affair with her husband, so she took on the task herself, and killed them both?

Maybe she discovered that the hitwoman had a list of clients, or unfinished jobs, and decided to take them on herself, and thus evolved into the job. Maybe every time she kills, she imagines her husband is the victim. That could be interesting to show visually, and could be a mind f@ck if this is not filmed chronologically.

Or maybe Misery was the one who once cheated on her husband, who hired a hitman to kill her, but she got the better of him. She then took on his clients, and wracked with guilt, with each hit she is killing a piece of herself.

Some kind of crazy twist, but one that's not woven into the story chronologically. Just goofy thoughts, maybe they'll stimulate someone else to develop a concept.

Quoted from Dreamscale IMO, good characters don't have to be universally liked or be universally likable.  They can be exactly the opposite, actually.  But they need to have personality and some quirks to make them be memorable and engaging.

We've had this discussion many a time. I figured you'd know by now that we're on the same page.

The issue for me is that most readers/viewers expect the relatable character and the redundancy of that being brought up in reviews. If something's persistent enough, I can't with good conscience reject it completely but at the same time, I can't embrace it completely and expect to keep my integrity.

Quoted from Dreamscale The majority of your script is not dialogue or character interaction based.  The only dialogue you really have here is either cliche (situational) or big blocks of exposition, with no response.

I'll work on breaking down those big blocks. I know Neal's confession scene could facilitate a little more actual exchange.

Marion's initial dialogue won't change as I don't intend for Misery to talk for the first half of the script.

Quoted from Dreamscale Your main character, Misery (who I now find out isn't even her real name), is a cold, methodical killer, and the only real glimpse into who she may actually be occurs in the last few lines, when she lies down and hugs her dead hubby's corpse.

The last few lines and the ending are important. I intended for it to put the script into context but it's not coming through for some reason. The idea is that Misery feels conflicted about having killed her husband and takes it out on Marion when she makes the opposite of Misery's decision with her own marriage. The other characters are foils for Misery so I'm not particularly concerned about them. I think I've developed them as much as need be.

Quoted from Dreamscale There's no humor, no playfulness, nothing outside of the context of the plot going on for anyone, and I think that's where it fails, in terms of character.

Normally, I'd agree but for this particular script, I intend for it to be straightforward, cold and dark and for what I want this to be, though it isn't there yet, it'd be spoiled by that kind of relief.