Hey James,

Apologies for arriving a bit late to the game here.
I wanted to be clear of InkTip obligations before settling into your new work.
I'm going into this fresh, no reviewing comments, etc.

A few notes, as I go:

p. 1 Action descriptives. Using the same verb three lines in a row derailed me.
Todd and Joyce disappear around the corner of the building.
Misery disappears into a darkened grove of trees behind the
parking lot.
LATER
The couple reappears from around the corner.

I know in the grand scheme of things, it's small.
However, in the moment, it took me off the page.

p. 5 The fantasy within the fantasy?
Am I reading this right? You establish the first fantasy with a full slug.
Then one line of actual action then back into a new fantasy with a mini slug?
Are you playing out two concurrent fantasies with the different slugs?
I can't keep that straight, there has to be a better way to tell them apart. IMO.

p. 7 The parking lot. It becomes an interior slug now. Am I reading this right?
Is this another part of one of the ongoing fantasies?
I'm having a hard time getting a good read vibe going.
Hurdles like these keeping tripping me up every page or so.

p. 7 Joyce's unfortunate circumstances.
She's paranoid about the hotel room for a tryst, but doesn't see who's at the door?
Every motel I've ever stayed in has a peephole.
This behavior does not ring true to me.

p. 10 Misery and Todd. I get she pulls a Maxwell's Silver Hammer on him.
But, I just don't buy he's gonna chit-chat instead of vacating pronto.
If someone hits me with a hammer, I'm screaming and out of there. Period.
She didn't take out his legs, I'm not grasping the motivations here. I'm lost.

p. 13 Grammar issues derailing dialogue.
MARION
You don’t know I was going to
forgive him.
MISERY
You spared him his life. I think
you forgave him enough.

This reads like you're having past and present tense difficulties.
Is it, You didn't know if I was going to forgive him?
Is it, You couldn't know I was going to forgive him?
Are you saying, You spared his life, I think you forgave him enough?
Or is it, You spared him FROM his life, I think you gave him enough?
As it's written, I can't make heads or tails of this exchange.

Finished. I'm trying to figure out what Misery does for a living. Is she an assassin?
She's very adept at forensic science for a recently jilted wife.
I got for a little while there was some criss-cross murder potential.
I thought you were going the Strangers on a Train double murder intercut, etc.

I'm having a hard time grasping this one, even the descriptions feel vague.
Little to no visual cues for the settings made this even a harder read.
I think you know what this story is and how you want to shoot it.
But I have little to know idea what this is about or how it looks.

I'll gladly take a lot at a revised draft before you go into production.

Best of luck, hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer p. 7 Joyce's unfortunate circumstances. She's paranoid about the hotel room for a tryst, but doesn't see who's at the door? Every motel I've ever stayed in has a peephole. This behavior does not ring true to me.

She's not paranoid about getting caught. She's paranoid that she might not mean as much to Todd as she thinks, in that their relationship exists soley in seedy motels. I think she would trust that it was Todd at the door. I'll give it some thought.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer p. 10 Misery and Todd. I get she pulls a Maxwell's Silver Hammer on him. But, I just don't buy he's gonna chit-chat instead of vacating pronto. If someone hits me with a hammer, I'm screaming and out of there. Period. She didn't take out his legs, I'm not grasping the motivations here. I'm lost.

I plan to rewrite so as Misery's attack is much more violent/debilitating and omit all of Todd's dialogue except "I don't deserve to die for this."

Quoted from Electric Dreamer p. 13 Grammar issues derailing dialogue. MARION You don�t know I was going to forgive him. MISERY You spared him his life. I think you forgave him enough. This reads like you're having past and present tense difficulties. Is it, You didn't know if I was going to forgive him? Is it, You couldn't know I was going to forgive him? Are you saying, You spared his life, I think you forgave him enough? Or is it, You spared him FROM his life, I think you gave him enough? As it's written, I can't make heads or tails of this exchange.

Just Marion's saying Misery didn't know she was going to forgive her husband in words that night. Hence "We'll talk when I get back."

That in mind, I'll change it to something like:

MARION - You don't know I was going to forgive him.

MISERY - You spared his life. I think you already have.

Better?

In any case, I can see your confusion.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Finished. I'm trying to figure out what Misery does for a living. Is she an assassin? She's very adept at forensic science for a recently jilted wife. I got for a little while there was some criss-cross murder potential. I thought you were going the Strangers on a Train double murder intercut, etc.

Misery's an assassin. I've added a line that solidifies that a little more but the clues are there. Marion gives her a folder with photos of Neal and another woman and a case of money when she calls off the hit. That's gotta do something, right?

There's a number of uncertainties in regards to the story that need be addressed at this point, which will be dealt with.

I'm not going to address the format. Rather, I'm just going to assume none of it makes sense and write the whole thing from scratch with this draft as a guide of what not to do.

Read through the above comments after reading the script.

Understood that the structure was non-linear and, upon reflection, that Misery must have become a hitwoman after killing her husband.  I think this will be clear enough on film through costuming, wardrobe etc.

I think Marion is the key to the story in that I think she's the one that needs to be likeable.  She is presumably somewhat an antithesis to Misery -- or, another way, she is the part of Misery that Misery has turned her back on, repressed, whatever -- so it's through Marion, I think, that we are able to identify with Misery.  The way Marion is now, I'm sure she'll be likeable enough if you just cast a hot actress, but I was hoping to see a bit more spark from her.

Major missed opportunity in the Misery/Todd showdown to give us a sense of what their relationship was like in general.

Definitely agree that there could be less dialogue in general.  Here's your chance to forego words for a bit and explore visuals!    (And I note you've given yourself lots of opportunity for great ones)

Liked the fantasies -- one of the most unique parts of the script, I thought.  That said, I wasn't particularly clear that she was there to case the place.

I am not a fan of pre-titles opening sequences in short films.  I think it's gonna muck up your structure here.

Don't have too many specific notes as it sounds as though you'll be posting further drafts.  Very excited to hear about production and eventually to see the film!

Thanks for the read, Chris. I think you hit the nail on the head in just about all your points. You've certainly honed in my overall intentions for the story. I still intend to take measures to clarify specific uncertainties (namely those involving Misery casing Marion's place... including clarification that she actually is casing the place) but you've given me stuff to work with as a means of taking the story to the next level, rather than just correcting mistakes.

I am on the fence of one issue you brought up - that of Misery and Todd's relationship. I intended to keep the reasons, loose as they might be, of Todd's infidelity in the shadows. While I had specific ideas for character arcs, I wanted to leave any moral/message up to audience interpretation and felt that giving too much insight into the two's relationship might sway the story too far in one or another moral direction. At the same time, I might like to give a little more insight. It'd be a challenge to find the balance between it and ambiguity though.

I disagree about pre-titles sequences (cold opens); I rather enjoy them. However I might omit the titles here entirely. I'm currently reconsidering where to insert them in the film. Given the size of the production, I might just open with the title alone and have a credit sequence at the end, lest I list the entire cast and crew twice in more or less the same manner.

Thanks again!

Hey James,

Spoilers!
Reading through the comments, I noticed that you intended this to be a nonlinear piece. I would like to disagree with you here. Don't. I think it will best to leave it all happening at the present. Fix those fantasy scenes and that's it. The way you have it is linear in my opinion. that's why I didn't have a problem.

Outline of Misery story without the flashbacks you intended their to be:
Misery's turmoil with her husband
Misery's job
Misery prepping (got to fix this part)
Misery handling her turmoil
Misery handling Marion and the job.

The flow is great. Keep everything in the present. Don't go for flashbacks.

This is just one person's opinion. Hope you take it into consideration and this helps you,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey James, Spoilers! Reading through the comments, I noticed that you intended this to be a nonlinear piece. I would like to disagree with you here. Don't. I think it will best to leave it all happening at the present. Fix those fantasy scenes and that's it. The way you have it is linear in my opinion. that's why I didn't have a problem. Outline of Misery story without the flashbacks you intended their to be: Misery's turmoil with her husband Misery's job Misery prepping (got to fix this part) Misery handling her turmoil Misery handling Marion and the job. The flow is great. Keep everything in the present. Don't go for flashbacks. This is just one person's opinion. Hope you take it into consideration and this helps you, Gabe

Time permitting, I'll rewrite the script over the next week. I plan on writing two new versions: a revised version of the present draft and a draft in linear fashion. I think I'll be able to figure out the right direction between the two.

Quoted from James McClung Time permitting, I'll rewrite the script over the next week. I plan on writing two new versions: a revised version of the present draft and a draft in linear fashion. I think I'll be able to figure out the right direction between the two.

James,

Great idea and I applaud your attitude about approaching this.
With this kind of thinking, you're sure to crack this story and make it sing.
I look forward to seeing the results.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey James,

I thought this was pretty neat. I like the idea of a female assasin.

I also liked the fantasy parts.

I have to agree with Pia about showing why she got into this murder for hire bit.

I also think it would be a good idea if it is because her father cheated on her mother.
Maybe Misery's mother commited suicide and Misery and her father found her lying on the floor.
Maybe her father poked fun at her for killing herself, saying that she was a weak woman and that's the biggest reason why he cheated... and maybe he could turn to Misery and tell her to Never be weak.
???

Also, I think Misery is a cool nickname.
Maybe you could have Marion ask her her name, and Misery reply with something like: Just call me Misery.

Just my two cents.
Hope you let us see the finished product.

Cindy

Hey Cindy. I just got back from vacation this past Sunday and didn't see your review until now. Thanks for checking it out!

A lot of people seem to want a backstory. Not that I'm one to cave into people's expectations but I will throw such people a bone. I'm not including anymore flashbacks or anything - those would only serve to muddle the story and pile on the production - but I will make reference to Misery's childhood and parents. As of last night, I've come up with an angle that'll give some interesting insight into her character. It won't be quite in line with what people have suggested thus far though.

"Misery" isn't exactly a nickname. It's just a better placeholder for a nameless character than The Woman or La Femme (which I actually considered). It's also got allegorical implications. I don't think she'd ever actually refer to herself Misery.

I'll be working on the second draft this week. Naturally, I think it'll be much improved and will communicate a lot of what I failed to communicate in this one.

Thanks again!

Interesting read James.  It was a little difficult to follow all the flashes and fantasies, but other wise, a good story.  

The name, Misery, does seem a little strange, unless her parents were sadists.

I kept thinking that her last name could be Ery.  While she was married she was Mrs. Ery.  When she killed her husband she became Miss Ery.  Just a thought.

Let me know when the rewrite is up.
I'd like to give it a read.

Cindy