Misery Loves Company by James McClung - Short, Drama, Noir - A contract killer's past demons come to roost when her latest client calls off a hit on an adulterous husband. 16 pages - pdf, format

Hey everyone. This is my first new script in a really long time. I wrote it specifically as a project to direct myself. I'm aiming to shoot it in early 2012. I want to get the script as tight as possible before starting preproduction, lest it become the nebulous, ever-changing entity that constantly blindsides and confuses everyone involved, as has been the case with most productions I've worked on. That said, feedback would be much appreciated.

Hey James

Found the story interesting.

I'm confused when you write about Misery's fantasy. it's not so much of format but why? I thought that the fantasy shots were Misery's way of preparation. But I don't think so. Mind explaining that or remove it. I would say the later since it would be much better.

Anyway other that I enjoyed it. I like the tone. I like the characters. It looks easily film-able. Good luck with it.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hey Gabe.

The fantasy shots are Misery considering different methods of how to go about her mission. They're meant to serve as visual punch as the story is mostly low key and dialogue-driven. It's also meant to show Misery casing the place so no one thinks this is the night where Misery intends to kill Neal.

Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

Hey James

I think you can eliminate those in my opinion. It got confusing when you have it intercut with Marion. Or treat the fantasy shots as something separate?  

I'm honestly not sure exactly how it's confusing. Could you elaborate?

Hey James

An excerpt:

EXT. MARION�S HOUSE, TERRACE � NIGHT
Misery creeps onto the darkened stone, dressed in black with a hood and rubber gloves. She approaches a window with a door beside it. A darkened bathroom lies beyond.

INT. MARION�S HOUSE, BATHROOM � NIGHT (FANTASY)
Misery sprays Freon on the glass and smashes it with her elbow. She reaches in, unlocks the window and climbs in.

As it is written, only the reader would know that the bathroom scene is a fantasy. How will the audience know? I know you write the back to scene,  but I think it will be better to hint at the transition mark.  

What I'm getting at is that maybe you can indicate she's imagining how she can assassinate Neil. Have her furrow her eyebrows to let us see she's thinking and then go to the bathroom scene. I guess I'm asking you to be too specific. Just me.

Other than that, I enjoyed it.

Gabe

Misery Loves Company

Good to see you writing again.

This was a bit muddled for me. Too much jumping between people and fantasy (how many occasions does Neal need to be shot?)

Good visuals (loved the drill) and clear writing for each scene but how they fit together eluded me. If I hadn’t read your comment to Gabe I wouldn’t have realized about the trial run.

Here’s what I got:

Todd & Misery (Todd cheats with Joyce)
Neal & Marion (Neal cheats with unknown)
Marion contracts hit on Neal by Misery but calls it off.

Misery feels women are weak who let husbands cheat, so even after Misery is paid for cancelled job she kills Neal and Marion just as she kills her husband and Joyce.

I wasn’t aware of any past demons in Misery’s life that came home to roost. I just thought she was one crazy bitch who liked dead company.

fwiw,

Gary

I read this when it first came out, but I wanted to let it percolate. I don't have too much to add, but I can expand on what Gary said. It's not just that Marion is weak that bothers Misery. She sees Marion as an enabler, so in a way blames her for Todd's transgressions. Not directly, of course, but just in the general sense that women like this, in her opinion, are contributing to the problem of men cheating on their wives by forgiving them. That was my interpretation anyway.

I was definitely wondering while I was reading this how it was going to be apparent to the audience that the flashes were fantasy. But as James is shooting this himself, I figured he had something in mind to clue the viewer.

All I have to contribute at the moment,  but I will keep thinking it over.

James, I really enjoyed the script, a lot.  

I understand what you were doing with the Fantasy aspects as well, and thought it added a unique element to the story.  

Misery is aptly named, and she is a great character that I can see go quite far beyond this tale...

The bullet retrieval scene was as gruesome as it was genius, I've never seen or read that in a movie before, yet it makes complete sense for a truly professional killer.  

Great job man, keep this one going.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley As it is written, only the reader would know that the bathroom scene is a fantasy. How will the audience know? I know you write the back to scene,  but I think it will be better to hint at the transition mark.   What I'm getting at is that maybe you can indicate she's imagining how she can assassinate Neil. Have her furrow her eyebrows to let us see she's thinking and then go to the bathroom scene. I guess I'm asking you to be too specific. Just me.

I gotcha.

The best comparison I can make would be the pit fight scene in Sherlock Homes where Sherlock premeditates all his moves before he carries them out.

I'm pretty confident I can shoot it in a way that makes sense. I think it's one of those things that works better onscreen than on paper. I'll see if I can tweak it though.

Quoted from grademan Misery Loves Company Good to see you writing again. This was a bit muddled for me. Too much jumping between people and fantasy (how many occasions does Neal need to be shot?) Good visuals (loved the drill) and clear writing for each scene but how they fit together eluded me. If I hadn’t read your comment to Gabe I wouldn’t have realized about the trial run. Here’s what I got: Todd & Misery (Todd cheats with Joyce) Neal & Marion (Neal cheats with unknown) Marion contracts hit on Neal by Misery but calls it off. Misery feels women are weak who let husbands cheat, so even after Misery is paid for cancelled job she kills Neal and Marion just as she kills her husband and Joyce. I wasn’t aware of any past demons in Misery’s life that came home to roost. I just thought she was one crazy bitch who liked dead company. fwiw, Gary

Thanks for the read, Gary. You've definitely given me a sense of what needs work.

As far as personal demons go, I tried to give a sense that Misery might not necessarily be happy with her decision to kill her husband (as opposed to forgiving him) or is at least unsure about it. I also wanted to hint (and will go back and try to clarify) that her murdering her husband happens before she becomes a contract killer, almost to validate her own decision.

Because Marion decides to forgive her husband, she invalidates Misery's decision and is taking a road Misery might entertain as preferable to what she actually did in her own. So... Marion's gotta die.

The story's about carrying baggage, really. It's not something I want to spell out for everyone. I prefer inference so as to treat an audience like they're smart and invested and also allow the story to be taken at face value as well as allegory. But if you have any suggestions as to how to bring this more to the forefront, I'd be interested in hearing them.

As for you other guys, thanks for the feedback as well. Kevin, that's definitely a pointed interpretation and among many things that were going through my mind at the time I wrote this.

Hey James, good to see a new script from you.  You know I think you're a very good writer...but I'm sorry to say, I don't like much about this and see lots and lots of problems of every kind imaginable.  If I didn't know you wrote this, I'd never guess it, based on all these issues.

IMO, the actual writing is very weak, filled with awkward phrasing, poor sentence construction, missing punctuation, not at all visual, poor Slugs, technical issues, and strange non linear structure, including "fantasy" scenes that add nothing and really make for a difficult read.  The characters also don't work at all for me, nor do their actions, reactions, and most of all, their dialogue, which I found to be pretty downright poor and unrealistic.

The story doesn't work for me either, nor does it make alot of sense, when you get right down to it.

Let's have at it...

So we start out with our main character, Misery, as she watches a man and woman enter a motel.  This "scene" isn't described well at all, and I cannot for the life of me picture the layout here.  Basically, the first 2 1/2 pages take place either inside Misery's car or in this motel parking lot.  Page 2 is entirely dialogue (although you've used an "intercut" between them and Misery for some reason.  The dialogue itself just doesn't work and comes off as very unrealistic, IMO.

There are some really awkward lines on Page 3, and I want to note them so you understand where I'm coming from in my earlier comments on such.

"The couple parts. Todd, around the corner. Joyce, toward a nearby room." - You've broken this up into 3 sentences, but you have to see how awkwardly this reads together...hopefully.

"Misery follows Joyce alongside the trees. Joyce stops and enters the room. Misery continues to her car." - Again, very awkward and unclear, and keep in mind this scene is supposedly set as "PARKING LOT".  I cannot picture this at all the way its written.

"Misery shuts the glove box, the door and disappears O.S." - Again, very awkwardly phrased and the "disappears O.S." part is just...well...just not good.

OK, back to the story...enough about the awkward writing.

So, next we go to a "DAY" scene and for some really odd reason, you throw in that the "TITLE SEQUENCE" plays out over this new scene, 1/5th of the way through the entire script.  I understand you want to film this yourself, but for me, it's odd.

The scene in Misery's car is basically 2 HUGE dialogue blasts from Marion and nothing from Misery.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this here, but I had to stop and think to myself, how possibly Marion and Misery first got together, and also, where Marion got the photos of her hubby banging some other babe.  Just doesn't ring true or add up for me.

Then, we shift to a "NIGHT" scene again, and Misery's creeping around Marion's house.  Kind of a startling transition which doesn't work at all for me.

Then, even stranger, we go inside Marion's house with "FANTASY" included in the actual Slug, yet, both sentences are clearly happening outside the house, still.  This is not an "INT" scene.

Then, in the continued fantasy scene, Misery kills Neal...but in a filmed version, how in the world will we know this isn't really happening?  Or better yet, why is this fantasy scene even here?  What does it offer, other than confusion?

Then, on Page 5, we get a Mini Slug of "FANTASY", followed by a SERIES OF SHOTS, all of which don't mean anything or add anything, other than complete confusion again.  The formatting's wrong and the general idea here doesn't work at all, as far as I'm concerned.  Then we go back to an actual Slug, again with "FANTASY" as part of it, and we get another fake kill.

All these "BACK TO SCENE" things aren't correct, either, but that's another issue I've brought up time and time again, about writing "FLASHBACKS", so what more can I say?

Then, we go to another "INT" scene, which has Misery creeping around outside again (incorrect), followed by Marion inside now.  WTF?  And back to another Mini Slug labeled as "FANTASY", with Neal again being killed.  HUH?

"BACK TO SCENE" again, which is still INT, yet here we are outside again, with Misery.  This stuff is all incorrectly done and shockingly confusing.

OK...Neal comes home and Misery hears their conversation.  Damn...I'm glad we're done with that scene...or "those" scenes.

Now we jump back to this other parking lot scene, which we now know is totally taking place at a completely different time.  We go back and forth between the INT MOTEL ROOM scene and this "PARKING LOT" scene, which really doesn't make sense to me again, as the parking lot and "just outside the motel room" are not 1 and the same thing.

The actual action of the attack doesn't work for me either.  Misery hits her in the "skull", her "eye socket", and her "chin".  I always groan at such detail...especially the eye socket thing.

Back we go to the prior scene and we get some more HUGE dialogue blocks of unrealistic dialogue.

And then, back to another totally different scene and time.  We're just jumping back and forth in time, and I don't see the reason for it, other than to purposely confuse the reader.

Back we jump to the old parking lot scene, but now it's labeled as "MOTEL".  Hmmm...and where do we go from here?  Well, in reality, we go into the scene that was labeled as "MOTEL ROOM" a few pages ago, but now it's labeled as "HOTEL", of all things.  WTF?

So, Misery easily takes Todd out, somehow.  Todd must sure be some little wuss, cause he puts up absolutely zero fight here against what you'd think would be a much less powerful female foe.  Totally unbelievable for me.  Misery can indeed win this battle, but there's got to be some fight in pitiful, little Todd.

And the dialogue exchange here, again, just isn't remotely realistic.  Why would Todd not try and defend himself?  Why would he just lie there and answer questions so pathetically?  Why not at least try and block the path of this small, easy to defend weapon coming at your chest?  Just doesn't work at all.

OK, back to Marion's house, but we have no clue what order things are happening in, do we?  Misery shoots both Neal and Marion multiple times, with one shot going directly into Marion's heart (again, this kind of detail is cringe inducing to me).

Then...then, we get a very detailed, long scene in which Misery drills out the bullets of her victims, and places them in containers.  OK, James, this may be a cool visual, as peeps have noted, but it's also completely unnecessary, very expensive and difficult to pull off realistically, and finally, just not believable.  I mean, I understand about forensics and the like, but we are unaware of any other kills in which Misery would have to worry about ballistics.  Is she really a professional hit woman who takes on a bunch of kills in this neighborhood?  Other than the "cool" gore factor here, it's a waste to me and really strains to be believed.

Next, she professionally disposes of all the evidence, then we're back to the motel scene again, only this time, the Slug reads, "MOTEL", which is the 3rd different Slug you've used for the exact same location and scene.

I know this is a harsh review and I do apologize for that.  I had a really shitty round of golf yesterday and maybe that's influencing the tone here.  I do stand by everything I brought up though and feel like this needs alot of work first of all, writing-wise, but also alot of thought in exactly what you're after and how in the world you'd be able to shoot this yourself on a tiny, non existent budget.  I don't see how it could be one.

Sorry for being harsh, but hope it all makes sense and helps in the long run.

Hey Jeff. Thanks for the read. No need to apologize for the review. You backed up what you said and frankly, your reputation's already sealed in stone; I know how to take it, more or less. I do however have an inkling that a shitty round of golf might have had some influence. I say that not because you were overly harsh but because a couple of folks recently explained to me how golf is essentially the most stressful sport in existence. You have my sympathies.

Anyway, you've written a lot so I'm just going to say that I intend to go through the script and apply your comments where they need applying. Just because I'm directing it doesn't mean it's an excuse for poor writing. I will, however, say that I don't like shorts and it was very hard to come up with something that was simple but that could potentially represent me as an auteur. This is just the early stages of the script. I'm well aware that it needs work and don't intend to go ahead with the film if it's not in good shape.

That said, one thing you definitely need not worry about is what I'm going to do with the film. The budget will not be non-existent. I'm not paying for this out of my own pocket (we'll have investors). We will have quality equipment and people who know what they're doing. I already know the crew and what they're capable of and have faith in their abilities. Finally, as big a job as it is (and it is... seriously), I think I've been on enough sets and seen enough incompetent people fuck up as well as seen enough professionals work some magic to have at least a sense of how to run an efficient production that yields artistic merit.

Thanks again.

Good luck with it James!

How did you go about getting the investment?

Nothing's official yet but we'll have a base with contributions from family/friends. Most likely, we'll seek out other investors to match and fill in the blanks with fundraisers and other methods. So essentially, we'll have a multi-pronged approach to finances. The project I'm working on now pulled in a decent budget with the same approach and since I'll be working with the same producers, I've got a good feeling about this one.

Hey James, what do you mean by a "decent budget"?

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey James, what do you mean by a "decent budget"?

Let's say $6-8,000, using at least 50% of our own equipment and some (if not all) people working for free. This is definitely an indie project but it's a short and given the story, we really don't need all that much to make it work. We're not shooting on camcorders in our backyards either and everyone involved is involved in filmmaking.

hey James.

so i told you i was going to read and comment yesterday, so here i am.

first and foremost, loved the gore and attention to detail. i always find your writing to be a wild ride no matter what i read. the hammer in the eye socket to the drilling of the head...loved it, loved it, loved it.

i found each scene easy to read and follow...individually however. as a whole, there's a lot of jumping around. perhaps a bit too much jumping around. this might work better on screen of course, but while writing it, i constantly had to do a mental check to see where i was at in the story.

i liked the whole fantasy killings (especially after reading your sherlock holmes explanation). however with all of the jumping around, it might confuse the audience even more on screen. unless you clearly indicate where you are in each scene, it might be a bit confusing. its a cool effect and id hate to see it cut, but it might not work in the story's nonlinear structure.

i enjoyed the dialogue. thought the dialogue in the first scene might have been a bit much and a little wordy (as well as a few other spots in the script). but thats not a big deal.

i really like the idea of the script. and i really like misery. she's a total badass with a chip on her shoulder. however, would it be cliched to add a bit of back story? theres a reason why misery decided to kill her husband while marion forgave hers. what makes the two different and why? although you touch on this, id like to see more (but thats just me).

i also didnt get why marion seemed to be fine with Neal at the end. saying things like "how do i look?" seems odd considering the hate she must still harbor for him. furthermore i wasnt sure how much time passed between neal telling her that he's cheating on her and misery killing them both (if any).

heres an idea. what if in that first scene with marion and misery, you make it appear as though she's paying misery to kill neal, but later continue that scene and reveal that marion backs out and pays her half the money for her trouble. just an idea.

so overall i think you have a solid story that just needs to be reordered. the non linear format makes it kind of confusing and distracts from the story. i would simply rearrange it and add/remove some bits and pieces here and there.

overall, awesome read and a crazy good time.

Thanks for the read, Will.

Yeah, the nonlinear seems to be fucking with a lot of people. I think I've neglected to note that the two events occur several years apart. Might stick a SUPER at the beginning and try to make the transitions between the two events smoother. If I told the story in linear order, I think it would be even more fucked up dramatically speaking but I'll figure out where the pieces need to go/be.

Several years apart?  HUH?  How could anyone know that?

If nothing else, you'd need to include a different age in your description of Misery in the first scene of the different time period.  Maybe she has a different look?  Shorter/longer hair?  Something to set it off from the other events.

No worries. I'm on it.

James,

excited to hear you're going to direct this yourself. There were some cool visuals in this one.

I agree and disagree with some of the other comments. I'm not worried about correct format anymore when I read, but in this case I agree with Jeff. I found the slugs especially to be very sloppy. INT. FOREST???  You have a lot of INT. when they really should be EXT.mYou might want to go over those again.

It says in the logline that this is noir.  IMHO, you need to cut the dialogue down a lot to give a better noir feel. You have several long blocks of dialogue. I would suggest rewriting them or break them up some. I'd also skip the daytime scene and make it night too.

Jeff cringed at some of your descriptions. I loved them. Hammer into eyesocket! Why wouldn't someone love that. It works for me. Don't change!!…but, maybe I'm weird.

I found it odd that Misery wears sunglasses and a veil in the beginning. What's the reason for that? IMHO that would definitely draw attention to her.

The characters didn't really engage me. Not sure why, but I didn't connect with them. I think it's important that we do so it all doesn't just come across as a cold piece of cool looking film. I think a bit of backstory might fix that. Seems Misery goes a little overboard with her killing for having been cheated on. Maybe something happened in her past. Maybe her dad cheated on her mother and her mother took her own life because of it? There should be a reason why she reacts the way she does.

I also agree with those who said it read a little confusing, but then like you or someone else said "it might work better as a film than on paper".

The name Misery made me think of the movie Misery and the book character in it.  Btw, did someone ever mention her name in your story? If not then the title is just a title.

Good luck with this James. I hope I get to see it when you're finished with it.

Pia  


PS. How's Frozen coming?

Thanks for the read, Pia.

Given the reviews so far, I'm actually very disappointed in myself and I hope no one takes this as a sign of future habits. I don't think the script is bad but I have realized it's extremely premature and should never have been posted as is. I think it's a rare case, for my part, of being too eager to get something read. So apologies in that regard.

Quoted from Grandma Bear It says in the logline that this is noir.  IMHO, you need to cut the dialogue down a lot to give a better noir feel. You have several long blocks of dialogue. I would suggest rewriting them or break them up some. I'd also skip the daytime scene and make it night too.

I'll see what I can do.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I found it odd that Misery wears sunglasses and a veil in the beginning. What's the reason for that? IMHO that would definitely draw attention to her.

This was so Todd wouldn't recognize her if he caught a glimpse of her face in the car. Of course, if he saw the car or the license plate, the jig would be up. But the point was that if he glanced at her in passing, he wouldn't notice. When she's monitoring their conversation, she's in the shadows so they wouldn't see her.

I'll think about this.

Quoted from Grandma Bear The characters didn't really engage me. Not sure why, but I didn't connect with them. I think it's important that we do so it all doesn't just come across as a cold piece of cool looking film. I think a bit of backstory might fix that. Seems Misery goes a little overboard with her killing for having been cheated on. Maybe something happened in her past. Maybe her dad cheated on her mother and her mother took her own life because of it? There should be a reason why she reacts the way she does.

This is the biggest screw up for me thus far that others have pointed out in different ways. Misery murdering her husband is the past event that makes her react to Marion the way she does. I do have to clarify this as well as the way Misery feels about murdering her husband.
I suppose reading it as two events that occur in the same space of time would leave the story feeling hollow.

Also, I'm becoming steadily more conscious of the fact that I have a propensity of writing characters that people have a hard time relating to. I think even if this script had came across exactly how I wanted to, that might've still been a problem. I think the average moviegoer expects a certain kind of character when they go to the movies and I prefer to write a different kind of character for a different kind of moviegoer.

Not sure what to do about this, to be honest. Not sure if I want to do anything. Just not sure...

Quoted from Grandma Bear The name Misery made me think of the movie Misery and the book character in it.  Btw, did someone ever mention her name in your story? If not then the title is just a title.

Misery isn't her real name and no one mentions her name in the script. It's just a placeholder that, corny or not, reads infinitely better than something like THE WOMAN.

Thanks again, Pia. Always a pleasure.

Quoted from Grandma Bear PS. How's Frozen coming?

Still fundraising and talking to cast and crew, I expect. Maybe a couple have progressed into more intermediate negotiations but I'm not quite sure. Production's scheduled for next May so we've still got a ways to go. No worries. Preproduction is a slow process except when it's a fast process and when it's a fast process, it's a disaster so I'm happy to be patient for a little while.

Quoted from James McClung Given the reviews so far, I'm actually very disappointed in myself and I hope no one takes this as a sign of future habits. I don't think the script is bad but I have realized it's extremely premature and should never have been posted as is. I think it's a rare case, for my part, of being too eager to get something read. So apologies in that regard.

Don't feel that way. By posting an early draft you hopefully got some good suggestion that will help with a rewrite.

You did good. Just needs tweaking.  

I don't think it's an abomination. It's the lack of restraint on my part that disappoints me. In hindsight, I still would've preferred to post a better script.

Whatever. The script is up. I'm taking/have taken all comments into account.

James, my man, IMO, it's very difficult to give true characterization to your characters in a short, and even harder when you have 2 completely unrelated events taking place, years apart.

IMO, good characters don't have to be universally liked or be universally likable.  They can be exactly the opposite, actually.  But they need to have personality and some quirks to make them be memorable and engaging.

The majority of your script is not dialogue or character interaction based.  The only dialogue you really have here is either cliche (situational) or big blocks of exposition, with no response.

Your main character, Misery (who I now find out isn't even her real name), is a cold, methodical killer, and the only real glimpse into who she may actually be occurs in the last few lines, when she lies down and hugs her dead hubby's corpse.

There's no humor, no playfulness, nothing outside of the context of the plot going on for anyone, and I think that's where it fails, in terms of character.

Just some thoughts...

Playing with ideas:

Thinking about how Misery evolves into a "hitman".

Wouldn't it be cool if at the beginning(chronologically, not necessarily in story), Misery found out her husband was cheating, and hired a hitwoman to kill him. But the hitwoman ended up having an affair with her husband, so she took on the task herself, and killed them both?

Maybe she discovered that the hitwoman had a list of clients, or unfinished jobs, and decided to take them on herself, and thus evolved into the job. Maybe every time she kills, she imagines her husband is the victim. That could be interesting to show visually, and could be a mind f@ck if this is not filmed chronologically.

Or maybe Misery was the one who once cheated on her husband, who hired a hitman to kill her, but she got the better of him. She then took on his clients, and wracked with guilt, with each hit she is killing a piece of herself.

Some kind of crazy twist, but one that's not woven into the story chronologically. Just goofy thoughts, maybe they'll stimulate someone else to develop a concept.

Quoted from Dreamscale IMO, good characters don't have to be universally liked or be universally likable.  They can be exactly the opposite, actually.  But they need to have personality and some quirks to make them be memorable and engaging.

We've had this discussion many a time. I figured you'd know by now that we're on the same page.

The issue for me is that most readers/viewers expect the relatable character and the redundancy of that being brought up in reviews. If something's persistent enough, I can't with good conscience reject it completely but at the same time, I can't embrace it completely and expect to keep my integrity.

Quoted from Dreamscale The majority of your script is not dialogue or character interaction based.  The only dialogue you really have here is either cliche (situational) or big blocks of exposition, with no response.

I'll work on breaking down those big blocks. I know Neal's confession scene could facilitate a little more actual exchange.

Marion's initial dialogue won't change as I don't intend for Misery to talk for the first half of the script.

Quoted from Dreamscale Your main character, Misery (who I now find out isn't even her real name), is a cold, methodical killer, and the only real glimpse into who she may actually be occurs in the last few lines, when she lies down and hugs her dead hubby's corpse.

The last few lines and the ending are important. I intended for it to put the script into context but it's not coming through for some reason. The idea is that Misery feels conflicted about having killed her husband and takes it out on Marion when she makes the opposite of Misery's decision with her own marriage. The other characters are foils for Misery so I'm not particularly concerned about them. I think I've developed them as much as need be.

Quoted from Dreamscale There's no humor, no playfulness, nothing outside of the context of the plot going on for anyone, and I think that's where it fails, in terms of character.

Normally, I'd agree but for this particular script, I intend for it to be straightforward, cold and dark and for what I want this to be, though it isn't there yet, it'd be spoiled by that kind of relief.

Hey James,

Apologies for arriving a bit late to the game here.
I wanted to be clear of InkTip obligations before settling into your new work.
I'm going into this fresh, no reviewing comments, etc.

A few notes, as I go:

p. 1 Action descriptives. Using the same verb three lines in a row derailed me.
Todd and Joyce disappear around the corner of the building.
Misery disappears into a darkened grove of trees behind the
parking lot.
LATER
The couple reappears from around the corner.

I know in the grand scheme of things, it's small.
However, in the moment, it took me off the page.

p. 5 The fantasy within the fantasy?
Am I reading this right? You establish the first fantasy with a full slug.
Then one line of actual action then back into a new fantasy with a mini slug?
Are you playing out two concurrent fantasies with the different slugs?
I can't keep that straight, there has to be a better way to tell them apart. IMO.

p. 7 The parking lot. It becomes an interior slug now. Am I reading this right?
Is this another part of one of the ongoing fantasies?
I'm having a hard time getting a good read vibe going.
Hurdles like these keeping tripping me up every page or so.

p. 7 Joyce's unfortunate circumstances.
She's paranoid about the hotel room for a tryst, but doesn't see who's at the door?
Every motel I've ever stayed in has a peephole.
This behavior does not ring true to me.

p. 10 Misery and Todd. I get she pulls a Maxwell's Silver Hammer on him.
But, I just don't buy he's gonna chit-chat instead of vacating pronto.
If someone hits me with a hammer, I'm screaming and out of there. Period.
She didn't take out his legs, I'm not grasping the motivations here. I'm lost.

p. 13 Grammar issues derailing dialogue.
MARION
You don’t know I was going to
forgive him.
MISERY
You spared him his life. I think
you forgave him enough.

This reads like you're having past and present tense difficulties.
Is it, You didn't know if I was going to forgive him?
Is it, You couldn't know I was going to forgive him?
Are you saying, You spared his life, I think you forgave him enough?
Or is it, You spared him FROM his life, I think you gave him enough?
As it's written, I can't make heads or tails of this exchange.

Finished. I'm trying to figure out what Misery does for a living. Is she an assassin?
She's very adept at forensic science for a recently jilted wife.
I got for a little while there was some criss-cross murder potential.
I thought you were going the Strangers on a Train double murder intercut, etc.

I'm having a hard time grasping this one, even the descriptions feel vague.
Little to no visual cues for the settings made this even a harder read.
I think you know what this story is and how you want to shoot it.
But I have little to know idea what this is about or how it looks.

I'll gladly take a lot at a revised draft before you go into production.

Best of luck, hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer p. 7 Joyce's unfortunate circumstances. She's paranoid about the hotel room for a tryst, but doesn't see who's at the door? Every motel I've ever stayed in has a peephole. This behavior does not ring true to me.

She's not paranoid about getting caught. She's paranoid that she might not mean as much to Todd as she thinks, in that their relationship exists soley in seedy motels. I think she would trust that it was Todd at the door. I'll give it some thought.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer p. 10 Misery and Todd. I get she pulls a Maxwell's Silver Hammer on him. But, I just don't buy he's gonna chit-chat instead of vacating pronto. If someone hits me with a hammer, I'm screaming and out of there. Period. She didn't take out his legs, I'm not grasping the motivations here. I'm lost.

I plan to rewrite so as Misery's attack is much more violent/debilitating and omit all of Todd's dialogue except "I don't deserve to die for this."

Quoted from Electric Dreamer p. 13 Grammar issues derailing dialogue. MARION You don�t know I was going to forgive him. MISERY You spared him his life. I think you forgave him enough. This reads like you're having past and present tense difficulties. Is it, You didn't know if I was going to forgive him? Is it, You couldn't know I was going to forgive him? Are you saying, You spared his life, I think you forgave him enough? Or is it, You spared him FROM his life, I think you gave him enough? As it's written, I can't make heads or tails of this exchange.

Just Marion's saying Misery didn't know she was going to forgive her husband in words that night. Hence "We'll talk when I get back."

That in mind, I'll change it to something like:

MARION - You don't know I was going to forgive him.

MISERY - You spared his life. I think you already have.

Better?

In any case, I can see your confusion.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Finished. I'm trying to figure out what Misery does for a living. Is she an assassin? She's very adept at forensic science for a recently jilted wife. I got for a little while there was some criss-cross murder potential. I thought you were going the Strangers on a Train double murder intercut, etc.

Misery's an assassin. I've added a line that solidifies that a little more but the clues are there. Marion gives her a folder with photos of Neal and another woman and a case of money when she calls off the hit. That's gotta do something, right?

There's a number of uncertainties in regards to the story that need be addressed at this point, which will be dealt with.

I'm not going to address the format. Rather, I'm just going to assume none of it makes sense and write the whole thing from scratch with this draft as a guide of what not to do.

Read through the above comments after reading the script.

Understood that the structure was non-linear and, upon reflection, that Misery must have become a hitwoman after killing her husband.  I think this will be clear enough on film through costuming, wardrobe etc.

I think Marion is the key to the story in that I think she's the one that needs to be likeable.  She is presumably somewhat an antithesis to Misery -- or, another way, she is the part of Misery that Misery has turned her back on, repressed, whatever -- so it's through Marion, I think, that we are able to identify with Misery.  The way Marion is now, I'm sure she'll be likeable enough if you just cast a hot actress, but I was hoping to see a bit more spark from her.

Major missed opportunity in the Misery/Todd showdown to give us a sense of what their relationship was like in general.

Definitely agree that there could be less dialogue in general.  Here's your chance to forego words for a bit and explore visuals!    (And I note you've given yourself lots of opportunity for great ones)

Liked the fantasies -- one of the most unique parts of the script, I thought.  That said, I wasn't particularly clear that she was there to case the place.

I am not a fan of pre-titles opening sequences in short films.  I think it's gonna muck up your structure here.

Don't have too many specific notes as it sounds as though you'll be posting further drafts.  Very excited to hear about production and eventually to see the film!

Thanks for the read, Chris. I think you hit the nail on the head in just about all your points. You've certainly honed in my overall intentions for the story. I still intend to take measures to clarify specific uncertainties (namely those involving Misery casing Marion's place... including clarification that she actually is casing the place) but you've given me stuff to work with as a means of taking the story to the next level, rather than just correcting mistakes.

I am on the fence of one issue you brought up - that of Misery and Todd's relationship. I intended to keep the reasons, loose as they might be, of Todd's infidelity in the shadows. While I had specific ideas for character arcs, I wanted to leave any moral/message up to audience interpretation and felt that giving too much insight into the two's relationship might sway the story too far in one or another moral direction. At the same time, I might like to give a little more insight. It'd be a challenge to find the balance between it and ambiguity though.

I disagree about pre-titles sequences (cold opens); I rather enjoy them. However I might omit the titles here entirely. I'm currently reconsidering where to insert them in the film. Given the size of the production, I might just open with the title alone and have a credit sequence at the end, lest I list the entire cast and crew twice in more or less the same manner.

Thanks again!

Hey James,

Spoilers!
Reading through the comments, I noticed that you intended this to be a nonlinear piece. I would like to disagree with you here. Don't. I think it will best to leave it all happening at the present. Fix those fantasy scenes and that's it. The way you have it is linear in my opinion. that's why I didn't have a problem.

Outline of Misery story without the flashbacks you intended their to be:
Misery's turmoil with her husband
Misery's job
Misery prepping (got to fix this part)
Misery handling her turmoil
Misery handling Marion and the job.

The flow is great. Keep everything in the present. Don't go for flashbacks.

This is just one person's opinion. Hope you take it into consideration and this helps you,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey James, Spoilers! Reading through the comments, I noticed that you intended this to be a nonlinear piece. I would like to disagree with you here. Don't. I think it will best to leave it all happening at the present. Fix those fantasy scenes and that's it. The way you have it is linear in my opinion. that's why I didn't have a problem. Outline of Misery story without the flashbacks you intended their to be: Misery's turmoil with her husband Misery's job Misery prepping (got to fix this part) Misery handling her turmoil Misery handling Marion and the job. The flow is great. Keep everything in the present. Don't go for flashbacks. This is just one person's opinion. Hope you take it into consideration and this helps you, Gabe

Time permitting, I'll rewrite the script over the next week. I plan on writing two new versions: a revised version of the present draft and a draft in linear fashion. I think I'll be able to figure out the right direction between the two.

Quoted from James McClung Time permitting, I'll rewrite the script over the next week. I plan on writing two new versions: a revised version of the present draft and a draft in linear fashion. I think I'll be able to figure out the right direction between the two.

James,

Great idea and I applaud your attitude about approaching this.
With this kind of thinking, you're sure to crack this story and make it sing.
I look forward to seeing the results.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey James,

I thought this was pretty neat. I like the idea of a female assasin.

I also liked the fantasy parts.

I have to agree with Pia about showing why she got into this murder for hire bit.

I also think it would be a good idea if it is because her father cheated on her mother.
Maybe Misery's mother commited suicide and Misery and her father found her lying on the floor.
Maybe her father poked fun at her for killing herself, saying that she was a weak woman and that's the biggest reason why he cheated... and maybe he could turn to Misery and tell her to Never be weak.
???

Also, I think Misery is a cool nickname.
Maybe you could have Marion ask her her name, and Misery reply with something like: Just call me Misery.

Just my two cents.
Hope you let us see the finished product.

Cindy

Hey Cindy. I just got back from vacation this past Sunday and didn't see your review until now. Thanks for checking it out!

A lot of people seem to want a backstory. Not that I'm one to cave into people's expectations but I will throw such people a bone. I'm not including anymore flashbacks or anything - those would only serve to muddle the story and pile on the production - but I will make reference to Misery's childhood and parents. As of last night, I've come up with an angle that'll give some interesting insight into her character. It won't be quite in line with what people have suggested thus far though.

"Misery" isn't exactly a nickname. It's just a better placeholder for a nameless character than The Woman or La Femme (which I actually considered). It's also got allegorical implications. I don't think she'd ever actually refer to herself Misery.

I'll be working on the second draft this week. Naturally, I think it'll be much improved and will communicate a lot of what I failed to communicate in this one.

Thanks again!

Interesting read James.  It was a little difficult to follow all the flashes and fantasies, but other wise, a good story.  

The name, Misery, does seem a little strange, unless her parents were sadists.

I kept thinking that her last name could be Ery.  While she was married she was Mrs. Ery.  When she killed her husband she became Miss Ery.  Just a thought.

Let me know when the rewrite is up.
I'd like to give it a read.

Cindy