Hey James,

Thanks for giving this one a read.

I'm just wondering if the ending made you smile or leave you scratching your head?

I'll be rewriting it as soon as I get a day off of work.

I see that you have a new short script up on the board. I'll give it a read.

Cindy

I've finished the rewrite and sent it into Don. Not sure when he'll be able to post it.

I thought about having a comedic ending, then changed my mind and just tweaked the script a bit to make the ending that I have actually work.

Cindy

Cindy,

You have three different subplots in a short period of time here, two of which were really quite different from one another.  The opening is fine - talk shows are always fun.  I was curious where you were going to go with it from there and I have mixed feelings about the outcome.  Terri's moment on stage after the show was kind of out of the blue.  That and I didn't really consider her the main character; I saw that in Clarence and Madeline.  

When it turned out that Clarence was going to slice and dice Madeline that really took me by surprise.  In a way I think it's the kind of ending that you never see the on the talk shows but wish you did.  Most of the people who have appeared on Springer or Maury have probably wanted to resort to limb hacking.  I actually thought it was gonna turn out that Clarence was born a woman and had a sex change.  I was sure of it when Madeline found the hair.  So you took me for a ride there.

I liked it for what it was.  Didn't go down the conventional route and tried some new things.  Good job.

Greg

Hey Greg,

Thank you for giving this one a read. I wanted to use Terri's after the show scene to show the real Terri, and as a way to move this story forward to show the real Clarence.

Glad you liked it.

Cindy

Don is quick.

He put the new draft up already.

I enjoyed the read Cindy thank you.

I found it amusing, but I'm not sure the tonal shift sat well with me. I think the ending just came so out the blue that it left me thinking what the hell just happened. Also it almost seemed like a minor defence of those chat shows! Glad you rhymed it with Jerry and not Jeremy Kyle from back home though! If you do a sequel, have him underneath the axe at the end?  

It read snappily and the dialogue was good. Minor point, the spelling of Terri/Terry kept changing on pages 3 and 4.

All the best!

Hey Cindy,

Let's take a second stab at this one and see what you did.
I always dig it when folks are willing to re-visit a script for a new draft.

Read the new draft, I'm unsure what's new here.
I still don't care for Terri's pity party after the show.
A seasoned host like that would be able to spin it, in the moment.
There's another way for that to go, to heighten the mood.
Perhaps Terri takes it down the sentimental route, something.
Then she can be the matchmaker, of a sort.
Maybe Madeline balks at Clarence's acceptance.
Then Terri can assuage her fears, stop being afraid of happiness.
Stuff like that rings much ore true to me for these reality show vulture hosts.

One typo stood out. Terri calls Clarence a "looser".

Hope this help. Still a very smooth read.

Regards,
E.D.

Hi Cindy,

Glad to read some new stuff from you. This was okay for me. I don't think the sub-plot of Terri wondering why people act a certain way on her show fits here. Shes a douche exploiting whomever she can to make ratings. Doesn't seem to chracter.

The end could use something. I don't get why eyes are with the brains. Or is it a whole head? You lack description there. Was confused. Personally, I would rather see you have Clarence admit he knew Madeline was a tranny all along. His last line could be "I like weiners better then brains" then he swings away.

James

Hey Jonsey,
Thank you for giving this one a read. The Terri and Terry, darn it! I'll have to fix that. As for the ending, well, I gave a couple more hints to it while the two were on stage in this draft.

Hey Brett,
Thanks for giving this a read again. I wasn't trying for Terri to have a pity party. She was just sitting there wondering about people in general and wondering why they do what they do. I thought is was a good transition to the final scene. Oh, well.

Hey James,

Thank you for giving this one a read.
Yes, it was the whole head in the bag.

This script started out as an exercise for me, to get me out of a slump and to see if I could write a 5 page script.   The rewrite turned out to be 6 pages.

Thanks everyone for giving this a read.

Cindy

Hummm...

I think I'm going to make this a feature. Have Clarence stalk and terrorize Terri while he continues on his killing spree.
Maybe he'll have the hots for her. I'm not sure yet.

I'll have to figure it out.

This one took a quick turn to the dark side that I wasn't expecting.  Almost too quick and too dark to work for me.  It was reading light and funny until the end.  Some of the dialogue seemed comical such as the part where Terri suggests that Clarance wants to beat up Madeline.

Had it seemed a little darker from the beginning, this would have worked better for me.

Hey Nomad,

Yep, others have said that too, but I wanted an unexpected ending.
Something that would shock. Bad things do happen out of the blue like that.

Thanks for giving it a read. Sorry it didn't work for you.

I've been working out the story on paper for the feature.  

Cindy

No need to apologize for the story not working for me.  It's just my two cents.  

If everything we wrote worked for everyone, that would make a very boring world.

      

Thanks again for taking the time to give it a read.

Cindy

Didn’t entirely work for me, and there are two reasons for this:

1. The ‘twist’ at the end. As has been said this is a bolt-on twist, and as such you could have done anything here (kidnapped by aliens etc), so there is no challenge to the twist. I believe that the secret to a good twist is that it is embedded in the story before it is revealed; therefore there have to be subtle references to it before it is revealed.

2. I think that there is some confusion as to who’s story it is; the log-line clearly inferred that it should be either Madeline’s or Clarence’s story, but the body of the work makes it more Terri’s story: it’s Terri who really dictates events (calls the guys in, dictates the conversation) and it’s Terri who appears to have a journey of sorts - (questioning herself, undergoing realisations). Clarence appears a little flat at times – while he is being spoken to on the set, I think there needs to be some reference to his actions (shift uncomfortably etc).

I think some possibilities could be that you start off with Clarence in his house, maybe putting something in his fridge, hiding the axe (though we might not know it’s an axe at this stage) and intersperse this with Terri’s introductions..?

Hope this helps some.