Thank you for giving this a read.

I see what you're saying. I guess the clues in his dialogue and actions weren't enough.

I'll work on that in the feature.

Thanks again.

Cindy

The rewrite is up, but the link isn't working.

Quoted from CindyLKeller The rewrite is up, but the link isn't working.

link fixed.

Don

Hey Cindy,

Always glad to revisit a contributing member's new drafts.

I don't recall seeing Clarence in the past opener, was he there?

Have you ever considered writing the audience as a dialogue character?
Might make the read smoother, IMO.

P. 3  The audience should laugh after Clarence admits he doesn't go out much.
        Feels very TV to me.
        Add an audience clap/whoop after Clarence says he's had some success.

I don't recall the "relationship status" thing in the earlier draft.
I didn't find that revelation as satisfying as whatever it was before.
It also seemed to require more explanation too, I could be wrong.
It rang false to me that Terri wouldn't be hip to that kind of thing.

Still a charming story. Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Hi Brett,

Thanks for giving this one another look.

You're right. Clarence wasn't in the last opener. I had opened on the show.

In the last draft Madeline reveals that she is really a man. In this draft she is a woman, but she is married.

That was an excellent idea to have the audience be a dialogue character. I'm definately going to use it.  

Thank you again for the read.

Oh, and a little P.S. If you feel like reading something else short, I rewrote Where There's Smoke in the September 2011 OWC.

Do you have anything you would like for me to read?

Cindy

Nice little story. Couldn't find anything too bad about it.

One of those few scripts which actually have a lesson to be learnt at the end  .

The Talk Show kind of reminded me of The Jerry Springer show and the opening of Requiem for a dream.

Overall, a great read. Hopefully you find someone that would like to film this.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Hi Brett, In the last draft Madeline reveals that she is really a man. In this draft she is a woman, but she is married. That was an excellent idea to have the audience be a dialogue character. I'm definately going to use it.   Thank you again for the read. Oh, and a little P.S. If you feel like reading something else short, I rewrote Where There's Smoke in the September 2011 OWC. Do you have anything you would like for me to read? Cindy

Hey Cindy,

I think I enjoyed the being a man premise than the being married one.
I recall the set up for that being smoother than the married thing.
What were you hoping to gain by showing Clarence in the opener?
I liked the previous draft where we dived right into the show.

Sure! I'll put the new Where There's Smoke draft in my queue!
Always happy to return reads to fellow contributing members.
Your writing style is very comfortable for me.
Your premises feel like an old shirt that never goes out of style.

I did a second draft of For Customers Only from the Sept. 2011 OWC.
And, the new fresh draft of Clone Wife will be submitted this week.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from nawazm11 Nice little story. Couldn't find anything too bad about it. One of those few scripts which actually have a lesson to be learnt at the end  . The Talk Show kind of reminded me of The Jerry Springer show and the opening of Requiem for a dream. Overall, a great read. Hopefully you find someone that would like to film this.

Thanks for giving this one a read.
I wanted it to be like the Jerry Springer show, but with a female host, Terri Spaniel.  
I hope I find someone to film this, too. We'll see.
Cindy

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hey Cindy, I think I enjoyed the being a man premise than the being married one. I recall the set up for that being smoother than the married thing. What were you hoping to gain by showing Clarence in the opener? I liked the previous draft where we dived right into the show. Sure! I'll put the new Where There's Smoke draft in my queue! Always happy to return reads to fellow contributing members. Your writing style is very comfortable for me. Your premises feel like an old shirt that never goes out of style. I did a second draft of For Customers Only from the Sept. 2011 OWC. And, the new fresh draft of Clone Wife will be submitted this week. Regards, E.D.

Hi Brett,

Well, I wanted to open on Clarence since the story is about him and Madeline.

About Madeline being a man, I had shown that draft to a filmmaker and he didn't like Madeline being a man.

I'll go check out For Customers Only. I liked that script already. I wonder what you changed.

And I'll check out your other script when it comes up. Please remind me, okay?

Cindy

It looks like this one is getting produced.