The Cabin 3 or 4 maybe within 13 months.  I've decided not to post any new features here.  Spielberg's looking at them now.  

Hey Bill,

Good to see a new script from you, and it opened just fine for me as well.

This is a good short, easy filmable in the one location setting. It’s an emotional story and I think you’ve done an excellent job with both characters, a lot of depth in this relationship. It was also nice to see a happy ending, we all like those.

I think this would have been better in real time rather than having the gap between the two meetings but that’s just me. Also felt it was a tad long for what it was and needs a few pages shaved off, damn those pesky orphans everyone talked about recently.

I couldn’t fault much in a technical aspect, it was a clean, fast read.  Some of the slugs could do with some work and a couple lines read a bit awkward but otherwise, well written IMO.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P 1. Wonder whether the phone number should have an area code in front? Normally these types of signs do.

“Brilliant sunlight” Thought this could just be sunlight?

“As he swallows the pills, he notices through the window, a woman” This read awkward for me.

P.5 “Frankie stands up, gathers her belongings.” I think “up” is redundant here.

Why not talk to Frankie now? Terry hardly seems to have clients knocking down the door? Maybe he needs to say something about an appointment he has in 10 minutes but there was a cancelled appointment in the afternoon if she’s interested.

“Is he for real?” Not a massive fan of questions in the action description.

“INT. TERRY’S HOUSE - LOUNGE - NIGHT – LATER”

This slug doesn’t look pretty and I’m sure you don’t need “later” here.

P.9 “You’re the first to listen my shit.” Missing “to” between listen and my.

P.11 “ANSWER PHONE” I think this dialogue can be “Frankie” in voice over as it’s a recorded message by her. Also as you’ve stated it’s a recorded message in the action so it wouldn't look out of place IMO.

Overall, a very powerful, emotional character driven story which is well done and never lost my interest.

Good work, buddy

Steve

Hey Bill,

Always a pleasure to lend an opinion to a stalwart SS regular!
Glad to see steady reviews are pouring in.

P. 5
I didn't quite buy that Frankie would be convinced.
Guess I wanted more hints as to what she's on about.

P. 5
Wait a minute, it was late morning.
And the afternoon session cancelled.
So why is Frankie coming in at night for her session?
Did I miss something here?
What did poor Frankie do all day in a strange town then?

Finished.
Pretty catchy premise I have to say.
I'd like to see it go on...
I would've liked it to continue right there.
Where Terry tells Frankie stories he's "heard" about the mum.

Good idea. Pretty decent execution.
I don't see why this one wouldn't get produced. Kudos.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Steve,

As ever many thanks for the read.

Quoted from CoopBazinga This is a good short, easy filmable in the one location setting. It’s an emotional story and I think you’ve done an excellent job with both characters, a lot of depth in this relationship. It was also nice to see a happy ending, we all like those.

Thanks. Most of my scripts to date are not viable...at all!! Absolutely no chance. So time for me to try a limited budget, two actors, one location, story.

Quoted from CoopBazinga I think this would have been better in real time rather than having the gap between the two meetings but that’s just me. Also felt it was a tad long for what it was and needs a few pages shaved off, damn those pesky orphans everyone talked about recently.

Yeah, not the first on the time lag. As explained to jeff above it was for a reason and i hoped that in a produced version you simply would see Frankie during daylight, then coming back in later at night, no real issue. If it was there are a few way to resolve one, which i may do, is to start later so that the dark/light is less of any issue. the other, which i deleted from an earlier version, was to have a scene during that time in which she sat watching "weird"clients come and go - again another foreshadowing.

Should this be of interest to a producer it could be dealt with in many ways if an issue.

However, i am keen to see the split between daylight - the meeting phase - and  darkness/candle light - the understanding phase. Both have different tones, illustrated by the light variation. Shame to lose that.

Re orphans - yeah, I've gone back in, taken half a page off, although i do find i have to be careful and not do it for the sake of it and weaken the writing.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Is he for real?” Not a massive fan of questions in the action description.

Arh, the old aside, if i"m not mistaken. Now, i"m no expert on this matter but to me the times when this works is when you have one of those scenes without dialogue where by the characters  look at each other, no words, yet the audience know whats being considered. IMO that is the time when a touch of clarity through an aside may help. Whether it is right here, no doubt can be argued but the occasional one, at the right moment, is probably a sin worth bearing for clarity. Always worth asking yourself, what if it was removed? Does it make a difference?

Quoted from CoopBazinga “Brilliant sunlight” Thought this could just be sunlight?

Good question but i think there is a difference. Sunlight can be dull e.g., grey cloud, good old UK weather. Brilliant tells you more. On this occasion i wanted it strong, again to highlight the contrast with later. If i hadn't had this in mind, then why bother - agreed.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “INT. TERRY’S HOUSE - LOUNGE - NIGHT – LATER”

OK, ugly slug of the year goes to.... (now changed!)

Quoted from CoopBazinga Overall, a very powerful, emotional character driven story which is well done and never lost my interest. Good work, buddy Steve

Kind words.

Once again, thanks for the read and the useful feedback.

Please do let me know when you would like the favour returned.

regards

Hey Brett,

Almost forgot to reply. Thanks for the read. I feel i owe you a few reads back, anything you working on?

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 5 Wait a minute, it was late morning. And the afternoon session cancelled. So why is Frankie coming in at night for her session? Did I miss something here? What did poor Frankie do all day in a strange town then?

Yeah, it seems that a few readers need this tweaked to make sure it doesn't jar. Im going to slightly adjust but still keep the light/dark contrast.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Finished. Pretty catchy premise I have to say. I'd like to see it go on... I would've liked it to continue right there. Where Terry tells Frankie stories he's "heard" about the mum.

Thanks for that. To be honest I've never seen this as longer but i get your point. Nice to think you were intrigued enough to wonder what happens next.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Good idea. Pretty decent execution. I don't see why this one wouldn't get produced. Kudos.

I take that as a large compliment. It was an attempt at a cheap, easy to record drama, yet with bite, so i live in hope. Other than SS i wouldn't know where to offer this.

Thanks for the read.

Hey Bill

I see you've got some good feedback already so I'll keep it short and sweet.  I really liked this, I wasn't sure where it was going and then when the twist came I thought of a few clues you dropped in earlier without me realising which was clever.

The only thing that niggled me was you spelled out Terry was Tracy.  I don't think the letter about gender reassignment is needed and maybe a shot of the teddy bear would suffice?  A small niggle and it's only my thoughts on the matter.

Overall this is a great short and would have a good impact on screen.

Excellent short.

Hey Alfie

Thanks for the read - owe you one. Please feel free to email or Pm if you have something reviewed.

SPOILERS

Yeah, the letter. Maybe not required but I felt it was worth clarifying with the gender reassignment, ie how it happened. One of those details that should a producer wish to take this up, they could drop if they like.

All the best.

I loved this script.  Nailed me right between the eyes.  Well written and exposes information in just the  right way, straight down the line.  Wow.  

Quoted from steven8 I loved this script.  Nailed me right between the eyes.  Well written and exposes information in just the  right way, straight down the line.  Wow.

Hey Steven,

Thanks for the read and kind words.

Whilst this has a happy ending it was quite different to my previous work so nice to think it worked.

One day i would like to see something of mine produced (one supposedly to be produced in the USA this summer - we shall see) and this was a blatant attempt at a script to appeal to a Very Low Budget and easy to produce, yet with meat on the bones.

Thanks for the read. I will be getting around to your 7WC in the next day of so.

cheers


bill

Hi I thought this was a good read - the details were just right without going overboard

My only suggestion is that we, the audience, should discover the truth with Frankie instead of catching on so soon and going along the ride with Terry. I think Frankie's perspective, at least in that instance, could have more punch. And it's at the end, so that's gravy IMHO, of course;)

But great job nonetheless!!! I'd love to see the produced version

Well done.

Concerning the time issue, I don't think "pushing the light/dark aspects" adds depth. It isn't necessary. While Frankie wouldn't, I don't think, immediately agree to sit for a session, she is vulnerable. She is in need of someone to talk to. I can easily imagine her leaving only to 'give it some thought' and quickly return.

Again, well done.

Sorry RD and Seven, been meaning to reply sooner.

Quoted from rdhay Hi My only suggestion is that we, the audience, should discover the truth with Frankie instead of catching on so soon and going along the ride with Terry. I think Frankie's perspective, at least in that instance, could have more punch. And it's at the end, so that's gravy IMHO, of course;)

Interesting idea. Naturally this completely reverses the script which is set from Terrys POV. However, i did make me think that a longer script could interweave both.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Seven Concerning the time issue, I don't think "pushing the light/dark aspects" adds depth. It isn't necessary. While Frankie wouldn't, I don't think, immediately agree to sit for a session, she is vulnerable. She is in need of someone to talk to. I can easily imagine her leaving only to 'give it some thought' and quickly return.

Interesting point on the light/dark. To me i saw this as two pauses, [1] the meet [2] the resolution. Visually, i though it would add to the moment, add fear, the sense that something lurks in the shadows, to have the final scene in darkness. Should anybody wish to produce this i would be interested to see if they share that idea.

Thanks for the read.

Bill,
The beginning immediately had me hooked. It definitely gives the reader the sense that something is not quite right and the reveal was eventually paid off nicely. I was beginning to think the twist might be something along the lines of the 6th Sense, but thankfully it wasn't. Didn't see it coming at all.
I've read over the other comments and unfortunately there's not much left to critique but just wanted to let you know I enjoyed this. Great back and forth dialogue, it read very natural.
Nate

Hey Nasty...now thats an intro!!

Many thanks for the read.

Quoted from nastynate Bill, The beginning immediately had me hooked. It definitely gives the reader the sense that something is not quite right and the reveal was eventually paid off nicely. I was beginning to think the twist might be something along the lines of the 6th Sense, but thankfully it wasn't. Didn't see it coming at all. I've read over the other comments and unfortunately there's not much left to critique but just wanted to let you know I enjoyed this. Great back and forth dialogue, it read very natural. Nate

Glad you enjoyed this. It was an attempt at a low budget, single location script which hopefully will make it more accessible to film one day.

As ever there are things people could change but what has come out of this is that all the early signs didn't give the game away which is pleasing to hear.

cheers

bill

I selected this one in return for Trappings, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover many of the same themes at play.

You begin with a nice, quiet tone, and calling from across the street like that is a very nice touch that says a lot about Frankie before we have even met her.

You describe the lounge perfectly; a vivid picture perfectly understood.

A minor niggle is your use of underlines.  You underline odd things, and in an inconsistent fashion.  Why underline note pad but not the pen?  But then, why underline note pad at all?  It is certainly not a big deal, but I suggest losing them just the same.

The reveal is handled very well.  Subtle, unspoken, but unmistakable when it occurs. Very nicely done.

Once this reveal occurs, however, you might have Terry crying too much.  I mean, literally, on the page.  You mention this about five times, and at one point, "hysterically", which seems far too strong a word IMO.

You should avoid this type of repetition.  Telling us once that he is crying is probably enough, and twice is surely more than enough.

Another point I read recently, somewhere, on characters crying.  The audience understands when a character should be crying, and sometimes the emotional charge is actually undermined by the character breaking down into tears.

The quote went something like, "If your character cries, the audience will not."  Something to think about, anyway.

This is a good, interesting story with likable characters.  I am glad to have read it.