Hi Jordan,

I didn't think this was bad at all and put a good couple of smiles on my face when I was reading it. That's always a good thing. I take it iowa isn't the place to live then?

And good descriptions early on. Always a winner.



Kip.

Thanks for the read Kip.

The Iowa line was a reference to the movie, Field of Dreams.

I'm glad you liked the descriptions.  I try to be a vivid as possible without writing a novel.

I'm still trying to repay my reading debts and I found this one in your sig.

I thought it was pretty funny. I have no idea what issues with the writing some people have. Either this one is a later draft or I'm just blind to that stuff.

Story wise I thought it was cute, but I would've like some kind of twist or something more ironic happen to Humpen himself. Other than that, pretty good job!  

Hi Jordan. I thought i would reciprocate after your little feedback for Winnie's Memorial.

An interesting little screenplay with concise descriptions, though are not entirely needed as we know what a laboratory looks like tbh.

Personally I would use BTS (Back to Scene) after END FLASHBACK. Better than INT. LABORATORY, since we know where we are.

I'd also use Beats, instead of FADE OUT then FADE IN.

And I would you DISSOLVE TO: if Smith returns again, otherwise an enjoyable read.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I'm still trying to repay my reading debts and I found this one in your sig. I thought it was pretty funny. I have no idea what issues with the writing some people have. Either this one is a later draft or I'm just blind to that stuff. Story wise I thought it was cute, but I would've like some kind of twist or something more ironic happen to Humpen himself. Other than that, pretty good job!

Thanks for the read, Pia.
I'm a little behind on replying to comments on my scripts. Just a few years shy of a decade.
Right on schedule.

As I re-read this I see areas where I'd do things slightly different, but over all, it still holds up. I can see it and it could be filmed the way it is now. I'm fairly certain that this is the only draft I've uploaded.

I believe this is an old Movie Poet entry.

-Jordan

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Hi Jordan. I thought i would reciprocate after your little feedback for Winnie's Memorial. An interesting little screenplay with concise descriptions, though are not entirely needed as we know what a laboratory looks like tbh. Personally I would use BTS (Back to Scene) after END FLASHBACK. Better than INT. LABORATORY, since we know where we are. I'd also use Beats, instead of FADE OUT then FADE IN. And I would you DISSOLVE TO: if Smith returns again, otherwise an enjoyable read.

Wow....

Thanks for digging this one up, Stoneyscript.
I wrote this over a decade ago and imagine my surprise when I see it at the top of the forum.

In my mind there are a lot of different types of laboratories...
-There's the clean, white, organized type.
-There's the dark, damp, medieval type.
-There's the industrial, stainless steel, slaughterhouse type.
-There's the gadget and gizmo, contraption, Rube Goldberg type.

Mine was a combination of those so I wanted to make sure I got that across.

I think BTS might have worked better in this script. It helps it flow.

I wanted to use FADE OUT: and FADE IN: to show that Smith was going unconscious and waking back up. That would allow for the screen to be black for as long as the director needed to get that point across.

There's more than one way to skin a cat so a lot of what we suggest on here is just that... suggestions. There's no definitive way to write a screenplay, but we try to stick to the conventions that have worked in the past.

Again, thanks for the read.
Much appreciated.

-Jordan