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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
Posted: September 12th, 2013, 5:31pm
What did you type this with? Looks scanned.
Anyway, I gave this a shot 'cause of the length. If not for that I would have skipped this one based on the logline alone. It's way too vague, nothing to grab our attention.
Don't put the date on the title page. Especially when it says 2009. Are you saying you haven't made any changes at all since then?
Writing's pretty good. I'm not the best judge of that, but it worked for me.
I guess all there really is to comment on here is the story, and I'm not even sure what happened. Maybe it's just me. All I got from it was (spoiler, obviously) this guy goes to school, in class a knife sticks out his head and at home he cries.
First, it's hard to tell where you are going with this in terms of genre. When Adam gets stabbed with a knife, I immediately imagined that on screen, it will have a sort of Tim burton vibe (also with him crying at the end and the blood on the bus). the thing is, the other scenes besides those do not give off that vibe and for something so short, you cannot make swift changes from an ordinary kid to a knife and blood.
Secondly, I think for a montage short, you should make the script just a tad bit shorter. Maybe like half a page so that we don't loose interest.
P.S. Please review the script San Diego Criminal. It is on the same page as yours.