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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Adam Moderators: bert
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  Author    Adam  (currently 2250 views)
Don
Posted: September 12th, 2013, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Adam by Neil Harding - Short - Adam cannot go through another day of school. - pdf, format


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crookedowl
Posted: September 12th, 2013, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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What did you type this with? Looks scanned.

Anyway, I gave this a shot 'cause of the length. If not for that I would have skipped this one based on the logline alone. It's way too vague, nothing to grab our attention.

Don't put the date on the title page. Especially when it says 2009. Are you saying you haven't made any changes at all since then?

Writing's pretty good. I'm not the best judge of that, but it worked for me.

I guess all there really is to comment on here is the story, and I'm not even sure what happened. Maybe it's just me. All I got from it was (spoiler, obviously) this guy goes to school, in class a knife sticks out his head and at home he cries.

Not bad, but there's not much to this, IMO.

Take care,

Will
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dogglebe
Posted: September 12th, 2013, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Like Crookedowl, I wasn't impressed with the logline but read it because it was short.  I also don't understand this script.  It just went on for four pages.

Wish I could say something more positive but I'm still trying to figure this out.


Phil
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Emanuel
Posted: September 21st, 2013, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Neil,

I like the script. A few things.

First, it's hard to tell where you are going with this in terms of genre. When Adam gets stabbed with a knife, I immediately imagined that on screen, it will have a sort of Tim burton vibe (also with him crying at the end and the blood on the bus). the thing is, the other scenes besides those do not give off that vibe and for something so short, you cannot make swift changes from an ordinary kid to a knife and blood.

Secondly, I think for a montage short, you should make the script just a tad bit shorter. Maybe like half a page so that we don't loose interest.

-Emanuel

P.S. Please review the script San Diego Criminal. It is on the same page as yours.


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RegularJohn
Posted: September 21st, 2013, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hi Neil.

I'm just as baffled as Will and Phil are with this one.  No dialogue pieces are a heck of a challenge in my mind so kudos for tackling it but still scratching my head.

Everything after the "MONTAGE" part seemed like a montage as you didn't end it anywhere so I'm wondering if that was your intent.  No FADE OUT or FADE TO BLACK before the second FADE IN.

Were the "blank" faces actually blank or just blank expressions?  I could go on about what I think is happening but I'd rather hear from you.

-Johnny


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