Thanks Mark for the kind words, I hope draft 2 is better, but it's still a WIP.  

You have got to be kidding me... I spent ages writing out notes on this one and it turns out I have read the wrong freaking draft... This is why you always read the comments first, folks.

Sorry Travis, but if you were looking for feedback on the latest draft with this one, you won't be getting any from me... yet. I'll probably end up coming back and having a look at it again, but for now... I'm sorry, mate but I only have notes for the script that Don posted.

Although there was nothing particularly surprising about the story in this one, I have to say I found myself enjoying it. You're quite the talented writer when it comes to building an excellent sense of tension. You keep that ball rolling, keep my mind thinking and I like that. I think the main issue falls in with your log-line. There's nothing wrong with the log-line itself, in fact it's a brilliantly written log-line, except for the fact that I found it a little misleading. You say that the story is about a man and his struggle for forgiveness. This, for me, was only part of the truth. The story for me felt like it was more about a man actually performing his sins as opposed to redeeming them. The whole trying to get out of going to hell only came in towards the end. Stick to what the log-line says. Make sure you're telling the story that you promised from the very start.

I would be lying to you if I told you that I didn't see every part of this coming. I knew that his idea of praying at the last minute wouldn't work. The attempt at a twist towards the end unfortunately fell through after that. Again, despite the predictability of the story, I couldn't help but enjoy every moment of it. The way you build the tension in that opening scene is a little too good to ignore. We're clearly dealing with one sick son of a bitch and there's a certain aspect to that that I couldn't help but love. Sick twisted characters usually adds to a great plot (when executed correctly.)

Levi... Now he was a character worthy of mentioning. What I particularly liked about him was the conflict in his character. He has a sort of bitter-sweet way around him which is just great. His sarcasm and way of handling the situation had me chuckling at times, but not enough that I didn't take him seriously. Levi carried the main idea for you story and I think using him to get that message across was a wise one.

Carol... Yeah I'm not seeing the point of her, to be honest. Not sure if you've done anything with her in the second draft, but I know in the draft I read, her one appearance was pointless, especially when I consider that this is a short. Every character needs to be there for a reason. Think to yourself "What is the characters purpose? What does he/she bring to the script that no other character does?" If you have nothing, the solution is simple... don't have the character.

Your dialogue has a lot to be desired. I found that quite a fair amount of it came across as awkward and perhaps a little on-the nose. Read the screenplay out to yourself. If the dialogue doesn't make sense, make a note of it, fix it up and move on. Dialogue is something that many of us still seem to struggle with. It's a tricky thing to master, so don't worry about it too much. There are some veterans on SS that will tell you that they still haven't quite learned the methods of effective dialogue.

Lastly, I come to the actual writing of the screenplay. I'm not sure what you've done with the second draft and I'm not sure if any of these comments still apply, but hell I wrote the notes out and I'll damn well make sure they find their way to you...

So, without any further ado...

I think the main problem with your writing comes with the constant use of passive words. When you have a verb that ends in "ing" it is more than likely what is called passive writing. The complete opposite to this, active writing is what you want to get. Active writing is just having normal verbs, as opposed to verbs that end in "ing." For example "Running" would be passive, but "Run" would be active.

Page 1: "Bending over to remove her high heeled shoes, she panics and fumbles around." - "Bending" is passive. To keep this active, I'd try something along the lines of...

"She bends over to remove her high heeled shoes, panics and fumbles around."

Page 1: "A shadowed figure moves swiftly down the sidewalk..." - I'd put "Shadowed figure" in CAPS just to be safe.

Just a general note, you've got quite a lot in the writing that isn't necessary. I'd advise being cautious when you include adverbs in the writing. When written correctly they can be effective, but at the same time, if you don't write it when absolutely necessary it will be seen as redundant and pointless. Nobody likes redundant and pointless. It makes for a messy read, which can annoy the reader.

Page 1: "Bonnie tossing her shoes aside and quickly runs down the alleyway." - Based on the mood you've managed to set already the audience knows she's running quickly. Therefore, there's no need to state this in the writing. However, that's only my opinion. You write however you want to write.

There's a lot more writing that isn't necessary on page 1 that isn't necessary such as "cunningly." Just a tip... When using a word ending in "ly" make sure you check it. Ask yourself if the word is important. If not, get rid of it. If yes, see if you can find another way of writing the sentence without that nasty word.

Page 1: "The shadowed figure makes its way down the wet alleyway, looking for any trace of Bonnie's existence." - We know what they're looking for. You don't need to have "looking for any trace of Bonnie's existence."

Page 2: "The quick and irrational thought of escape crosses Bonnie's mind." - This isn't something that can be seen on film. Can the audience SEE the thought crossing through Bonnie's mind? The chances are, no, they can't. Anything that can't be seen by the audience watching the final result shouldn't be written into the screenplay.

Page 2: "Wasting no time, Jim straddles Bonnie's thin and fragile body." - The fact that Bonnie is thin and fragile should be have been mentioned on her initial introduction, IMO.

I suggest you break up some of the lengthy paragraphs. You don't really have to cut them down (some of them you do), but maybe spread them out across the page a little more...? This makes for a much easier read. It's a mental thing for the reader.

Watch out for the unnecessary page breaks like (CONT'D) and CONTINUED. They aren't needed.

Page 3: "Gurgling on her own blood..." - Passive.

Page 3: "Standing up..." - Passive.

Carol's name should be in CAPS when we first meet her.

"She leans against the kitchen counter supping out of a coffee cup." - "Sipping?"

"Jim walks in and sites down at the kitchen table." "Sites" should be "sits."

Page 4: "Jim looks around and see's nothing but clutter." - "See's" should be "sees."

"He glances towards the bar and notices a woman, GWEN (20's), is checking him out." - You don't need the "is."

Page 6:

                             GWEN
              Stop you asshole! I will shot you!

- Think you mean "shoot."

"Jim's adrenaline rush calls her bluff and he continues towards her. Gwen pulls the trigger." - Two things with this...
1) He's not really "calling her bluff" if she shoots him anyway, is he?
2) I'd try and replace "continues" with something a little more interesting. "Walks" towards her? "Advances" on her?

"Jim awakes to find himself lost, not knowing where he is or how her got here." - "her" should be "he." As well as that, you're telling instead of showing. Saying that Jim is "lost" doesn't help the actor. They need the writer to be specific. How does he CONVEY that he is lost? What do you think he should actually do to show this?

"... there is a stench in the air." - An audience watching the film can't see this. If you want to portray the smell, show Jim wrinkling his nose, or something.

"After a few short breaths that of death and burning flesh inflame Jim's senses." - Again, what part of this can an audience actually see?

I think I've dwelled on what the audience can actually see for long enough, now. I have a feeling I've probably made my point quite clear...?

Page 7:

                         JIM
           Well Levi, I hope have some answers.

- I hope "you" have some answers.

Page 7:

                          LEVIATHAN
            Maybe I can brings things to light...

- "Bring" things.

Page 9:

                          LEVIATHAN
            You still don't full understand.
            Your are dead, diseased, gone, you...

- "You still don't full understand. "You" are dead, deceased, gone, you..."

Page 10: "Falling to the floor, he begins cringing as if being shit stomped by a group of people." - Something I have always seen as unnecessary to a screenplay is when writers swear in the action. Having your characters swear in dialogue is one thing, but swearing while describing something is completely different. How is it necessary?

Page 11: "Becoming still blood puddles the floor." - Doesn't read right, IMO. I'd get rid of "Becoming..."

That's all I have on this Travis.

Despite all the notes I've made, I actually really enjoyed this. It was a particularly good considering this was your first attempt at screenwriting (I think.) Seriously, we have a lot of bullshit coming through SS and this certainly wasn't one of them.

The way you build the tension in that opening scene was a standout, for me and I really see it fit to congratulate you on keeping me interested despite the writing issues. The first screenplay is a test and you've managed to prove yourself as a writer that could potentially go quite far with screenwriting if he wants to.

Just take the time to read, read and guess what...? A little more reading. You've got to focus on those small writing problems that are holding you down. Trust me, most of them are quite easy to throw off. Those habits will very soon be forgotten.

Again, sorry I provided feedback on the original draft. I should have read some of the comments so I was in the know. I suspect a lot of the issues I've pointed out may have been fixed already, so sorry for going on like a broken record for so long. Hope you learned something anyway!

And last but not least... Welcome to SS!!

Cheers,
Dan
            

Holy notes Dan!  Thank you for going through my script so detailed.  I'm also sorry you had to read all of that only to find out there is an updated version.

You did however answer a few questions I had about some of the issues others have mentioned.  Thanks for that!

I'm glad you liked most of it, and I can only hope you like the changes I made in the second draft.  I hope to get one more draft done before we begin shooting the film in November-December.