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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Twinkle Twinkle Moderators: bert
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  Author    Twinkle Twinkle  (currently 3543 views)
Don
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Twinkle Twinkle by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Short, Comedy - Deep in space, the relationship between a geeky astronaut and his loyal computer, is sorely tested by the most deadly of foes - a power cut.  Producer Note; One Actor, One location. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Ledbetter
Posted: December 29th, 2012, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill,

This was an enjoyable little read you have here. Real quick and cleanly written.

Some of the joke were a little on the nose but several of them made me laugh too, so good job buddy.

Shawn.....><
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stevemiles
Posted: December 30th, 2012, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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Bill,

An entertaining read with solid writing. A little hit and miss on the one liners for me, but that’s subjective.

I like the twist in the computer being the one dependent on the human for company -- though I’d say the build-up to Petal’s ‘reboot’ felt a little too quick to develop the bond between these two. Perhaps a time lapse or other device to build on that could give Petal’s desperation at the end a bit more weight.

p.3. (Like a reluctant teenager) -- perhaps just ‘reluctant’ would be simpler.

The Martians/laundry line and Petal's closing line worked for me.

Nicely done.

Happy new year.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 30th, 2012, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hey Shawn, Steve

Thanks for the read. Sorry I hadn't chimed in sooner, currently away with the kids with limited wifi.

As you can imagine it was an MP script. I wasn't going to post this but then thought, why not, it's just a bit of fun. Seemed to divide readers for some reason, either loved it or hated it, but that's comedy for you.

Have a good new year.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill,

Always happy to check out your work and this one had it's moments but I have to admit that a lot of the one-liners fell flat with me.

That doesn't mean much though in the long run, how does the old saying go "Comedy is subjective" so others will love this.

I like the whole stuck in a pod scenario and think that Petal and Jim played off well against one another. Jim very much reminded me of Lister from Red Dwarf with the whole "getting chucked of the ship" for an irritable bowel. Maybe that was an influence here?

I can't think of a way to improve this unless you changed genre and went down the loneliness in space route and man having to connect with a machine or vice versa.

It's well-written and read very fast which is always nice - no complaints in that department from me.

Nice one.

Happy New Year.
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tendai_moyo
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill,

This was a very neatly written short. As stated before me, some of the jokes didn't hit me as well as they might hit others, and I enjoyed the fact that it was Petal who sought acknowledgement from Jim as opposed to vice versa, which seems the obvious route upon reading the logline.

The only grammatical error that I could find was on page two, wherein "under estimate" is supposed to be one word.

Twinkle Twinkle was an easy read to get through, and I have little complaints considering that you seemed to have accomplished the light comedy you were going for. As is known, comedy is subjective, so while somebody might read this and be unable to respond from having drowned their keyboard in tears of laughter, none of the lines (save for possibly the one about increased laundry) particularly hit the mark for me. Again though, this was a greatly written piece that held my attention the entire time.


Signatures can be annoying, especially when they're pointless.
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Gage
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill, I really liked this one.  The "humanness" of Petal wasn't really what I was expecting and it was a nice surprise.  Nicely written short little piece had me laugh once or twice.  Feel bad for that computer, ha.

Gage


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alffy
Posted: January 1st, 2013, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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Bill, I liked this.  It kind of reminded me of 'Moon' with the setting you laid out at the start but it soon became apparent that this was a bit less serious.

I thought some of the jokes were funny but I couldn't help thinking that the Petal, being a computer, would talk more unnatural.  I liked how it actually became quite sad at the end even when the humor remained.

A nice little story.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 1st, 2013, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hey Tendai, gage, Alffy, Steve

Thanks for checking this out.

I agree that with a little more time a few bits could be improved but I doubt I will revise it as it was just a simple little skit. Mind you, I seem to learn lessons every time I write and post, which just goes to remind me not to be slack - usually when it's too late!!

Cheers

Folks.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 3rd, 2013, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Hey Bill!

Great to see new pages from you.
And right around your birthday to boot!

LOL. Right off I dig the blanky and teddy.
Very Douglas Adams or Doctor Who of you.

Finished.
I like the overall back and forth.
The relationship does feel fairly Adamsesque.
I wasn't laughing through this.
But I certainly smiled through most of it.

I'd recommend reducing the gross out jokes.
Minimize the focus on the gag joke back and forthness of the piece.

Consider creating a "mini mission" for your characters.
THEN let those jokey quirks come out "under fire".
I think that philosophy will enhance your piece.

Hope this helps.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 3rd, 2013, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hey Thanks Brett

I thought i would let this one drift off the portal as its just a bit of fun, nothing too serious, and then you pop it right back there!!

Thanks for the read.

It does have an Adam's feel to it - a quirky bunch drifting around space. I liked the idea of being able to use the computer as part buddy,  part butler, even part romantic interest - cant really get away with that in a normal character.

probably needs a few more pages to trun this into anything and to be honest i have different plans for 2013

cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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nawazm11
Posted: January 26th, 2013, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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A nice little tale you've got here, Bill.

I enjoyed it, some really subtle humour here.

One thing I'd like to mention is basically the talking heads. With two people, usually it isn't that bad. But here, it just doesn't feel natural to me. I just can't really imagine a computer screen with a camera on top, looking at a sleeping guy for 4 minutes. A little more action would benefit the script IMO.

Besides that, not bad.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 26th, 2013, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hi mo,

Hope you're keeping well. Nearly the month end for the movie poet comp, I think you entered, which always interesting to see what people made on that months effort.

Thanks for the read of twinkle, i almost missed it.

I agree that with once the bloke is asleep, the computer talking to the guy can't go on for too long. Maybe it's too much for some, but as written it is only just over two pages so maybe if filmed right it could work.

It's a funny thing comedy - no pun intended- but it really is a personal thing, some work, some dont, however, i like trying them as each time i write one I learn a bit more.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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dogglebe
Posted: January 26th, 2013, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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This was a cute read, but I'm not sure where you were going with it, Reef.  If you were going anywhere at all.  I get the impression that you ended it when you ran out of jokes.

The premise is a good one and I laughed at some of the jokes (who doesn't laugh at I.B.S.?)  I think the script would work better, however, if Petal wasn't so human.  Make her more logical and less emotional.  She could be the perfect straight man.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 26th, 2013, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

Location
The Island of Jersey
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Thanks Phil

As many may have guessed this was a movie poet entry. Theme - you have to have a power cut. I was trying to think of where this could be difficult and space seemed a good one.

Also five page limit so not much to play with.

At MP the reaction was polarised. 20% excellent but 27% fair (nearly bottom) so they liked or hated it.

I could have had petal as a little more computer like, but i thought it would be good  to have it start off all officious, like a butler, only to have the emotion pour out as the deadline approached.

I decided to post it here as

1] cheap and easy to film

2] whilst not my best, i feel that i learn each time exposed to feedback, so why not.

Thanks


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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