SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 20th, 2021, 9:32am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The 'something' is the September One Week Challange

scripts due to SimplyScripts.com/OWC


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Man Watcher Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Man Watcher  (currently 5646 views)
Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2013, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14967
Posts Per Day
1.98
Man Watcher by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short, Drama - A man wakes to find a stranger in the room.  Who is he and what does he want? (2 actors, 1 location) - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Forgive
Posted: January 22nd, 2013, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1379
Posts Per Day
0.33
Unpleasant, but effective.

Spacing on p6. Tsk.

A talking heads for 8 pages - good on you for keeping the tension up.

Didn't spot any real grammatical howlers, so well proof-read.

I got a good sense that these guys were different people - not so many pull that off well.

Very cheap to film too, what with the O.S. going on.

Well thought out - a nice piece of work. I'll see what other people have to say.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 49
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 22nd, 2013, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
810
Posts Per Day
0.24
Anthony,

An interesting piece, I love a good psychological mystery. There are a few things that hinder this script from reaching it's full potiental.

After my first read, I was switching the order of who get's introduced first in my head. Even though Micheal is the focal point here, it felt more like Davidson's story as it progressed.  It's just a suggestion, but I think if you flip the order, it could strike better.

Page 1, "What, who, who are you?" The 'what' reads awkward to me because it is in the same line directed to Davidson.  I think maybe a description of shock or surprise could be just as effective.

Page 2, He looks down at his semi naked body. Is there a reason you went with semi instead of full? I'm just curious, a full nude body mixed with the tone of your script could say alot IMO. I wouldn't want to see his junk though LOL!

Page 3, "I'm out of here, you can't keep me here." Doesn't read well.

Page 6, the spacing is off, unless you were trying to grab the reader's attention about the important dialogue that follows.

I like the concept of 'The Man Watcher's' program, but the name comes of a bit generic.  The ending was really good, I love the idea of the broken mind, routines, decsions and consquences.  

Final line - "You gouged out my daugthers eyes with a pencil, Michael." Would have read better if Davidson was yelling. Try, "You gouged my daugther's eyes out with a pencil, Michael."

Wow! I have a million things running through my mind about what Michael did to his 'company'. Great job!

A few comma's missing and some forced dialogue here and there.  It didn't take too much away, I enjoyed it.

Johnny




Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 49
irish eyes
Posted: January 22nd, 2013, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1742
Posts Per Day
0.42
Hey Buddy

So as far as errors go, besides the obvious space(As Simon mentioned) and also, perhaps i'm wrong, but wouldn't the policeman be V.O? As it is, he not only off-screen but also out of the scene(not in the hotel room) and Davidson at the end would be O.S because he's at the location of the scene but not  in the camera frame.

Page 1

Michael

WHAT, WHO, WHO are you?

Michael

Do you hear me, WHO are you and
WHAT the hell are you doing in my
house?

MICHAEL
WHAT, how do you know me?

WHERE am I?

Page 2

MICHAEL
WHAT have you done to me?

WHO are you?

My wife, WHERE'S my wife?

WHO are you waiting for, WHO'S
going to call?  Is it about Beth,
have you got her too?

Page 3

Michael

Acquaintance?

What’s going on?

I'm not trying to beat on you here, Anthony and I realize he is in a situation, but I got to half way on page 3 before he didn't ask a question. in fact 95% of his dialogue is questions, even his one word answers had a question mark... I just think it's a little unnatural, again that's my opinion.


I liked the twist at the end,  because it had all the makings of  a Pysch ward, doctor and client... So I'm glad it didn't end up way.

In nineteen ninety, John Fullerton
attended the Saint Anthony
Secondary School..                   Good old Saint Anthony

Your actions and descriptions are very well written and you built the tension nicely.

For a short it was great effort and read very easily, you really are a good writer.

Mark


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 49
RegularJohn
Posted: January 22nd, 2013, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
New


Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

Posts
279
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey Anthony.

Usually the first page isn't numbered.  Thought I'd point that out.

Must have been a rough night for Michael eh?!  So starting off, Johnny #1 pointed out Michael's awkwardly written line.  I suggest the "what?" starting off as he wakes before he discover Davidson sitting on the corner.

I'm not sure if he's completely naked but on page 2, instead of that "semi naked body" part, I suggest having him look beneath the sheet then demanding to know why he's naked.

MICHAEL
"What have you done to me?!"
(looks beneath sheet)
"And why am I naked?!"

Just an idea.  Davidson's dialogue reads a bit strange at the bottom of page 2.  Instead of "nobody's got you", I'd write "nobody took you."

Page 5, his hand "itches" toward his jacket.  I think you were going for "inches" toward his jacket.  Davidson's dialogue reads funny again.  Is he asking a rhetorical question when he says, "Last night, I think it happened again?"  If so, just use the period.

Wow.  Brutal ending.  So I'm guessing Davidson called the police and stayed there to keep Michael from escaping.  Perhaps it was a taste of revenge for him killing his daughter.  Waiting years for Michael to slip up just so he could be there before he's taken in.  A bit of action on that last page describing Davidson body language would go a long way IMO on clearing up his motives.  A solid short.  Good job.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 49
Gary in Houston
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 12:02am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1177
Posts Per Day
0.37
Alffy, this was a bit of a headscratcher for me.  On the one hand, I like the fact that it all takes place in a single setting with, which makes it very easy to shoot, with only the two characters (and one O.S. voice).  There is an element of mystery throughout the entire short that isn't revealed until the very end, so I like that as well.   The dialogue had a slow start to it but picked up steam towards the end, so good finish as well.

Now, some things that made me go "hmmm."  20 years of following this guy?  Are the Man Watchers a government agency, privately funded or what?  That's a long time and a lot of money invested in this one guy.   I probably could have bought it if the guy was older when he had committed the act, but he was 6 years old.  It just seems weird that a parent would hold a grudge against a 6 year old who didn't know what he was doing and then commit a ton of resources to following him around for 20 years hoping he would screw up.  I'm sure I'm over analyzing this point and it defeats the dramatic effect to think it out this way, but it just didn't ring true because of that.  Maybe if the act had taken place when he was 16 instead of 6, I would have bought into it more.

Second, it was never explained clearly why he had two different names. Had Michael changed it himself?  Was he in a protection program?  Not a big deal, but you make it a minor plot point, so I guess I needed some clarity.

Beyond that, I thought the writing was clear and concise, other than the dialogue at the beginning that could be sharpened a little, but otherwise, nice effort.

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 49
Nomad
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 1:50am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Southern California
Posts
586
Posts Per Day
0.16
This was interesting and easy to read, but it left me with many questions.  

Who are the Man Watchers?  
Why was Michael being watched?  
Why was it so important that Michael know how he killed his friend, before the cops came in?  
Why was Davidson just sitting there, without a care in the world?

I feel like I just watched an episode of Lost.  It was a good episode, but what the hell just happened?  I mean that in a good way.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 49
Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 6:48am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.71
Hey Alffy,

Read this yesterday on circalit, didn't have time to respond. Glad to see it here.

Sorry no notes to hand so just a few thoughts.

1) like the idea - strange man In a hotel room - good for tension and easy to film

2) dialogue, I wasn't as bothered as others with the early exchanges, they seemed fine for a confused person, sitting up out of bed, by hey we all read things differently

3) Man watcher - now there was something intriguing about this but as Jordan has pointed out, it actually left quite a few questions for me which took away from the script. Not everything has to be answered but when you are left with so many questions I think it distracts a tad.

I almost feel there is something longer in this, but still a short, but possibly to do with Michael being set up - I assume this is not how it is at present and I have just missed it - by a fake organisation only to discover it is the father who has tracked down his daughters killer. Michael is then considered insane as well as a killer.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 49
khamanna
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 8:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Posts
4017
Posts Per Day
0.92
Hi, Alffy.

Read your short. Man watchers is an interesting concept and I like it plenty. So, everyone with dual personality, bipolar disorder perhaps would be on their watch. And I liked how you gave the man a personal reason to be angry at your main guy.
You did it at the end - and I wonder if it would be more effective if you let us know earlier, then let us wonder if he kills him or lets the police get him.

I liked the set up - Michael with Davidson and Michael doesn't know what Davidson wants of him.
I didnt' like some of Michael's lines - repetitions like "What, who, who are you?" I think just "Who are you" would be more effective. or "My wife, where's my wife". and then, bottom of p3 again "Who, what?". I think you better say "I don't know who you are" or something. and again "What...who" on p4. I think these need some cleaning.

The idea of a stranger in a room wanting something of another man was well explored in one of the shorts here - it's called The Killing Gene and was part of an OWC once. I can't find it for some reason.
I think you could look it up. Not like yours is worse or something - just because they are somewhat alike at the beginning.
I liked yours very much. Just thinking it misses some of the punch and not sure why - maybe you ought to rethink the placement of the twist.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 49
alffy
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 9:33am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2190
Posts Per Day
0.39
Jez, I didn't even know this was up so seeing so many reviews already was nice.

Okay so I'll say to everyone, don't know what happened on page 6 with the spacing...schoolboy error there.

I'll try answer some questions:


Quoted from Forgive


I got a good sense that these guys were different people - not so many pull that off well.

Well thought out - a nice piece of work. I'll see what other people have to say.


Thanks.

Johnny, it never crossed my mind to have Michael naked but if this was ever produced the actor might not want his arse out lol.


Quoted from oJohnnyoNutso
Final line - "You gouged out my daugthers eyes with a pencil, Michael." Would have read better if Davidson was yelling. Try, "You gouged my daugther's eyes out with a pencil, Michael."


A good idea, the change from Davidson being calm throughout to a sudden outburst might work well.

Mark, you've got a point about Michael always asking questions.  I wanted him to come across as paniced and wanting answers but I maybe over did it lol.


Quoted from RegularJohn
Page 5, his hand "itches" toward his jacket.  I think you were going for "inches" toward his jacket.


I did mean 'itches' as it's a term I use but I can see the confusion, perhaps I'll change it for your suggestion.


Quoted from RegularJohn
Wow.  Brutal ending.  So I'm guessing Davidson called the police and stayed there to keep Michael from escaping.


Thanks, and yes you're right about Davidson.



Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 49
alffy
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 9:57am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2190
Posts Per Day
0.39
A few more answers


Quoted from Gary in Houston
20 years of following this guy?  Are the Man Watchers a government agency, privately funded or what?  That's a long time and a lot of money invested in this one guy.   I probably could have bought it if the guy was older when he had committed the act, but he was 6 years old.  It just seems weird that a parent would hold a grudge against a 6 year old who didn't know what he was doing and then commit a ton of resources to following him around for 20 years hoping he would screw up.



Quoted from Nomad
Who are the Man Watchers?  
Why was Michael being watched?  
Why was it so important that Michael know how he killed his friend, before the cops came in?  
Why was Davidson just sitting there, without a care in the world?


Thought I'd try and answer these together.
The Man Watchers are victims who have taken it upon themselves to 'watch' released offenders in a hope to stop them doing anything again.  this is why Davidson struggles to follow Michael and doesn't get to the room in time.
Michael was a minor and deemed 'ill' so was not fully convicted of his crime.  His name was changed as this is something that does happen to  minor's who offend and are released so as to keep their previous actions secret and therefore doesn't hold them back from a new life (something that is not always well recieved by the public).
Some victims would argue that if their child was taken that making sure the offender never did it again was not a waste of time.  Also Davidson was waiting for the cops to show up and I tried to make him seem jumpy at Michael's actions.
And breath...lol.  Hope this cleared some things up.  It's a bit of backstory that I couldn't/didn't want to add as it would make the short too long.

Thanks for bringing these points up though.

Interesting point, Bill.  Never crossed my mind to add more to the story.


Quoted from khamanna
The idea of a stranger in a room wanting something of another man was well explored in one of the shorts here - it's called The Killing Gene and was part of an OWC once. I can't find it for some reason.


I'll see if I can find this, thanks.

Thanks to everyone who has checked this already, you have given me a lot to think about.  I wanted to write a short with 2 characters and 1 location and this is what I came up with.  I've not got a good few suggestions to improve it, so thanks again.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 49
CoopBazinga
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 9:59am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1180
Posts Per Day
0.33
Hey Alffy,

Good to see some more work from you, always happy to jump in and give you a read.

Unfortunately, this one didn't quite hit the mark with me. Two talking heads which isn't always a problem if the dialogue flows but I thought it held it back here and spoilt what is a nice idea. Questions are thrown out in abundance while the exposition felt so forced because you needed to get out that back-story for the ending to work.

Also, some of the dialogue is confusing and it tripped me up on a few occasions. This instance for example:

"You had a disagreement with a school friend,
and you had an episode."

"When the teacher found you, you’d
cleaned yourself up and even drawn
her a picture."

"You killed her, Michael."

Because you only state the teacher as "her" that is who I thought Michael had killed. Obviously, later on its revealed that it was indeed the school friend but little things like this kept tripping me up and disturbing the read.

I also thought that Davidson's dialogue was contradicting at times.

"After your release you were put on
the Man Watcher’s program."

"Twenty four seven?"

Which Davidson nods to in response but later on...

"Unfortunately we can’t follow you
everywhere, we’re not the Police."

What happened to someone watching him twenty four seven?

So let's get on to the Man Watcher's program and I'm sorry but this part of the story doesn’t work for me at all. For starters, it's such a hilarious name for a program that I could see Ben Stiller or Vince Vaughn using this for a comedy movie that obviously would be rubbish and not funny at all. The important thing is that they tried, though.

I mean, at least call yourself the M.W.P or something. I can't imagine how embarrassing it will be when someone asks poor old Davidson what he does at a party. Unless of course he isn't able to say a word about the program - you know the old "If I tell you then I would have to kill you" type deal.

I mean who are these guys who watch people all day - some might even call them stalkers but no it's alright... this guy once had an episode and it's my job to watch him all day. I feel sorry for the poor bastard who just sits outside his work all day from 9 to 5 everyday.

And don't tell me that Michael never once noticed the same car, person or whatever following him for 20 odd years.

As you can tell, it wasn't working for me and just left me with loads of questions about whom or what this Man watcher's program is? Like I say, it came off so comedic to me that it ruined the tone of the piece.

And then we move on to the biggest flaw for me which is Davidson. This guy has watched this boy/man who killed his daughter for over 20 years and when he finally thinks or knows that Michael has killed again - he calls the police! What an anticlimax. Think about the 20 years of hurt and anger that has been building up in Davidson, there is no way in hell this guy would just sit back and let the police take him, I can't see it. I actually think he deserves some revenge, don't you?

I think this story would have worked better if Davidson had been searching for Michael for years, you know with the name change and all that. When he finally finds Michael, he sees that he had a wife, kids and a job - a normal happy life.

Now conflicted, Davidson starts to watch Michael, has he changed or still the same kid who killed his daughter? Obviously with the killing of the woman in the bathroom, this gives Davidson his vindication to extract revenge... this man hasn't changed at all.

Okay, this would mean going down the cliché revenge route but it would make more sense than the Man Watcher Program for me. Just a thought.

There was a few other little niggles for me like the pen at the beginning - was it supposed to be lying in water? It didn't fit in with the final line and I think it would have worked to have it lying in blood which fits in with the way he killed the school friend. Maybe it had no relevance what so ever so that would raise the question of why it was even there?

The writing was okay overall, a few things really read awkward and the opening page needs to be looked at. You've numbered it for starters and there was a massive space before the fade in - maybe something to do with your software.

Why no day or night in the slug?  I gather its day with the slither of light coming through the curtains but still... wouldn't have hurt. I see no reason to not have it in your slug, actually think morning would have been appropriate.

The opening description of the room was odd, bland decor and walls, move on to the bed and table and then the doors which are opposite each other for some reason. Then back to the bed to intro Michael. Just thought it was odd not to intro Michael with the first visual of the bed. It all came off random to me. Was all the info needed? Like I said before about the pen?

The writing came together after that opening though and there were only a few little things “His hand itches (inches)" that stuck out to me. I'm sure previous posters would have mentioned the big gap on page 6. I could say it became repetitive with lots of nodding but there is only so much you can do when you set the scene in one room and it's mostly dialogue.

Oh, I did want to point out the last bit of action which didn't read right to me for some reason.

"His eyes almost burst from their sockets with shock."

I don't know, feels very cartoonish and doesn't complement Davidson's final line about gouging out eyes, IMO. I did like that you didn't reveal the bathroom though, leaving all the gruesome details to the reader's imagination.

It has potential no doubt but the awkward dialogue and little story elements that I feel need more background or believability (Man Watchers) made this one a baffling read. Like I said, I really feel this would work better, yet maybe more cliché as a revenge tale.

Best of luck with it.

Steve
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 49
irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 10:23am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1742
Posts Per Day
0.42
Just for my own state of mind... Can someone point out if I'm right or wrong about the use of  O.S and V.O

Thanks

Matk


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 49
SteveUK
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 10:28am Report to Moderator
New



Location
UK
Posts
204
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey Alffy,

This was an intriguing read, and for what's essentially just two men in a room you manage to build up a good bit of tension and mystery. I do think that when the situation is so simple, the dialogue has to be really good and unfortunately yours just wasn't snappy enough. I totally agree with Mark - you definitely need to rework Michael's dialogue and cut down the constant questions.

Most of the little errors I picked up on have been mentioned by others, but I also spotted a couple of other things:

Page 1
There seems to be a lot of space above 'FADE IN:'

'Male and female clothes strewn the carpet' didn't read right to me. Should it be 'Male and female clothes are strewn on the carpet'?

Page 3
'Davidson slowly ejects his empty hand from his jacket.' The word 'ejects' doesn't really suit the sentence, as 'eject' means to forcibly remove something. Simply saying 'Davidson slowly removes his empty hand from his jacket' would work better.

Page 4
You have Michael rubbing his head, and then seconds later rubbing his brow. Try to vary up his actions a little.

The last piece of dialogue on the page should be said by Davidson, not Michael.

As I said, this was pretty well done & I enjoyed it. I just feel that the dialogue exchanges between the two characters need to be a lot stronger. However, I did especially like how you didn't show us what was in the bathroom at the end and kept whatever it was that he did the previous night a mystery.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 49
Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 10:45am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.71

Quoted from irish eyes
Just for my own state of mind... Can someone point out if I'm right or wrong about the use of  O.S and V.O

Thanks

Matk


I would go with O.S as the character is there, just behind the door- they could open the door and enter.

V.O for me is like a narrator/or voice down a phone etc, but curious to see if others agree. worth asking.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 49
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006