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My sensibilities conflict with language that's "colorful" (even though I've used a few such words in my own scripts). The use of it in this script made me not fond of either character but these two seemed not very likeable anyway, are both clearly damaged and hurting people AND are in a moment of extreme stress. About a page or two in the way they talked seemed to fit who they were.
I think you provided a good twist / hint of the backstory in this at just the right time.
I mostly thought "this is not scarier than being in the path of a tornado" until the flood happens. I don't know if that hit on some phobia I didn't know I had or what but when that shows up the tension mounted for me.
...The use of it in this script made me not fond of either character but these two seemed not very likeable anyway, are both clearly damaged and hurting people AND are in a moment of extreme stress.
...I don't know if that hit on some phobia I didn't know I had or what but when that shows up the tension mounted for me.
Thanks for the read, Crusader. I'm glad you said that the language made both of them not very likeable. I'd like to have the reader side with Marcel, so I think I'll remove the colorful language from his lines.
I know what you mean about some unknown phobia. This is the second short I've written where someone got buried alive. I'm pretty sure that I think that's the worst way to die.
Maybe a dumb question but is there a difference between a motel and a hotel? I never really thought about that that. Anyways, it was hard for me to picture a ‘motel kitchen’ – I imagine motels more like Motel 6’s where there isn’t a kitchen setup. Hotels, on the other hand, I can picture a kitchen set up. Whatever, I’m rambling now. Sorry, I just couldn’t picture this damn kitchen and fridge…
Page 3 - MARCEL That’s, why we’re not in there.
No need for a comma.
Page 4 – Marcel sits against the far wall, staring at his phone. He throws his arms up with a, “what the fuck” look on his face.
Again, don’t think you need the comma there.
Page 8 – Water, trickles in around the door and pools at her feet.
Or here.
I think the strongest aspect of this short was definitely the dialogue. It rang true to me. It never felt forced and read smoothly so bravo.
I would introduce the whole back-story of Kacie into the story a little earlier than you did. I mean it’s fine the way you have it now but some people might find it a little random and abrupt.
I know we’re supposed to side with Marcel but yikes, what he ultimately does to Abby is terrible (but clever lol). I have a recurring dream of drowning and I honestly think that’s a horrible way to die so her demise is unsettling because you know what’s coming.
Overall, I enjoyed this. I liked all the back and forth between Marcel and Abby only because it was well done. The ending chilled me on a personal level.
I went into this blindsided, sorry if I repeat what has already been said.
Page by page notes:
“ABBY, 40, jolts awake and screams. She lies on the dingy tile, soaked from head to toe. Blood, stains her forehead.
The wind howls outside. Rain and debris, pelt the exterior. Small windows, high on the wall, flex against the wind.”
- Great start, love the writing style with attention grabbing imagery.
“.Marcel, 45, also soaked, sits on the floor and leans against the rusted door of a walk in fridge.”
- There should be a hyphen joining “walk” and “in”
By page 3 I’m pretty confused as to what’s going on here. I like the razor sharp rapport between the Abby and Marcel but this talk of a house blowing onto the road and they driving into it, Marcel needing Abby to sign papers and die, and taking refuge in the walk-in fridge has me scratching my head. Not a criticism by any means as I’m presuming it will make more sense as the story unfolds.
“A foul stench punches Abby in the face as she enters.”
- I like the use of “punches” here.
MARCEL That’s, why we’re not in there.
- Ha ha, cruel basta?d, nice twist with the missing door handle.
ABBY You’d leave me out here to die?
Marcel thinks for a second.
MARCEL No. I’m leaving you out here to die.
- Is this supposed to be a joke?
“Under the dim light of his phone, he reaches for something to hold the door shut, but only finds a sheer surface.”
- What do you mean by “sheer surface”? Is there a word missing here?
ABBY (CONT’D) I’ll turn your family’s estate into a rest stop. Put some shitters right over their graves.
- What a fantastic line, made me laugh.
“A tear escapes.”
- Really? Marcel doesn’t seem like the guy that would show emotion like that.
ABBY (CONT’D) Good luck with your hurricane.
The door latches shut.
- Right here I can see a twist coming…
Personally, I would cut out the underlining of, what you think are, important words in the dialogue. Makes me think you don’t respect or are undermining the reader’s intelligence.
ABBY (O.S.) What do you care.
- Include a question mark. This line also appears very nonchalant and blasé for Abby, remarkably cold even, considering the subject matter and with Marcel’s verbal slip-up indicating that he blames her for their daughter’s death.
Yep, that inkling I had of a twist coming pretty much played out as I anticipated, that the fridge, was in fact the place where one would die quicker and by the look of it, more horribly.
My initial confusion as to what was going on were partially answered, they are in the midst of massive hurricane with their marriage going through a very very rough patch! However, do you think that could end up like that in a house, intact after it, as Marcel described, “crashed into them”? I don’t think so. They would be either crushed or drowned as one can presume the water must be high to move a whole house. That aside, it does create dramatic circumstances for their final confrontation to play out.
Perhaps include a brief, montage of shots at the beginning to symbolise the crash. Not anything to revealing to give things away, just a burst of imagery to represent the collision e.g. a scream, the road, debris from the house and car intermingling, etc.
The tone of the script varies wildly. The sniping and belittling back and forth at the beginning is darkly comic but still comic but by the end it has transformed into a heavy drama with revelations of adultery, losing a child and genuine wishing from both spouses that the other would die. Maybe this was your intent, to start off light and witty before descending the atmosphere into something more serious. That’s cool but it did feel uneven and tad misjudged.
Writing wise, it’s very clean and assured though it’s just the tonal variances and character inconsistencies that I had issue with.
... Anyways, it was hard for me to picture a ‘motel kitchen’
No need for a comma.
I think the strongest aspect of this short was definitely the dialogue. It rang true to me. It never felt forced and read smoothly so bravo.
Overall, I enjoyed this. I liked all the back and forth between Marcel and Abby only because it was well done. The ending chilled me on a personal level.
Good read,
ONEY
Thanks for the read Oney.
It seems to be the consensus that the location and commas need to be reworked. I'm really bummed that I wasn't able to convey the location clearly and that I assaulted you with unnecessary commas.
I'm glad you liked the dialogue and the ending. The ending is a little chilling to me as well.
Yeah, "motel kitchen" just doesn't make any sense at all, and was a big problem for me out of the gate.
Now, don't get me wrong...it an be easily worked out, but you have to properly set your scenes, just like always. It wasn't done here and that's a big mistake.
- There should be a hyphen joining “walk” and “in”
By page 3 I’m pretty confused as to what’s going on here. I like the razor sharp rapport between the Abby and Marcel but this talk of a house blowing onto the road and they driving into it, Marcel needing Abby to sign papers and die, and taking refuge in the walk-in fridge has me scratching my head. Not a criticism by any means as I’m presuming it will make more sense as the story unfolds.
...MARCEL No. I’m leaving you out here to die.
- Is this supposed to be a joke?
- What do you mean by “sheer surface”? Is there a word missing here?
...“A tear escapes.”
- Really? Marcel doesn’t seem like the guy that would show emotion like that.
Personally, I would cut out the underlining of, what you think are, important words in the dialogue. Makes me think you don’t respect or are undermining the reader’s intelligence.
ABBY (O.S.) What do you care.
- Include a question mark. This line also appears very nonchalant and blasé for Abby, remarkably cold even, considering the subject matter and with Marcel’s verbal slip-up indicating that he blames her for their daughter’s death.
Yep, that inkling I had of a twist coming pretty much played out as I anticipated, that the fridge, was in fact the place where one would die quicker and by the look of it, more horribly.
However, do you think that could end up like that in a house, intact after it, as Marcel described, “crashed into them”? I don’t think so.
Perhaps include a brief, montage of shots at the beginning to symbolise the crash.
The tone of the script varies wildly.
Writing wise, it’s very clean and assured though it’s just the tonal variances and character inconsistencies that I had issue with.
Best of luck with it.
Col.
Thanks for the great review, Col.
You're absolutely correct about the hyphen. I should have known better.
The location seems to be unclear to most readers. I was trying to keep this low budget but I guess a shot of Abby looking out the kitchen window of the motel to see her car enveloped by a house that blew onto the road, would help. I'm just going to change it to a diner. I was trying to keep in line with the OWC guidelines, but I already missed that boat.
I guess I learned that even if I'm trying to keep it low budget, I could use some visuals to help clarify the situation.
Marcel saying that he's leaving Abby out there to die, is kind of a sick joke, but more of a, matter of fact saying.
A sheer surface is just a smooth flat surface. Like glass.
Marcel isn't a guy who cries, that's why the tear 'escapes'. He's trying hard to keep it from happening but he's unable to.
I used the underlinings to get a feel for how everyone felt about them. I don't think I'm going to use them as much in the future.
When Abby says, "What do you care." she isn't asking a question. I basically wanted to show that the inflection didn't go up at the end of her statement. She's downtrodden and the loss of Kacie hurts her too. Her statement is her way of saying that she doesn't want to talk about it.
They weren't in the house that they crashed into. They were in a motel that was next to where their car crashed. I need to clear that up. A montage would definitely help with that.
I tried to keep the tone, dark, for the most part. I see what you're saying about the comic aspect of the beginning, but it's still two people talking about death and misery.
It’s good to see you argue your side of things in regards my issues with the script. Shows you have a clear idea and reasoning in your own mind with the choices you made and that's cool. In many cases, further clarity is all that’s required.
I tried to keep the tone, dark, for the most part. I see what you're saying about the comic aspect of the beginning, but it's still two people talking about death and misery.
- Yes, I mentioned it being dark humour but by the end the tone is wildly different. This is not always a bad thing by the way, avant-garde Asian cinema have this down to a tee, Chan-wook Park being the most mainstream example but here I think it jars.
I realise it’s an end of the world scenario and people are not themselves when face to face with death (plus I enjoyed the initial snappy banter) but I just felt by the end the character dynamic was awkwardly heavy and earnest in comparison.
A nice script this one – the reason I say this was this was obviously supposed to be part of the recent OWC and I never thought I would be able to read a short in a motel and enjoy it again after that.
But I enjoyed this one overall; I liked the interaction between the two characters and their obvious disdain for one another. The dialogue was good while the twist with the walk-in fridge (which I see has caused problems) was a nice idea.
I was little baffled by the end, Marcel chose to leave Abby to die and walk away but felt sorrow that it wasn’t him that was going to see his beloved daughter in the afterlife. I wonder if he saving Abby would have been more of a statement than letting her die?
A lot of this goes against the opening of their conversation where he needs her to sign the paperwork. Okay, the scenario has changed but to leave her seems odd, he said “he wanted to kill her” so I was guessing his initial “serial killer” attitude has faded away.
I was also a little surprised that Marcel would tell Abby that the fridge is the safe place to be if it was his intention to die in there. He’s basically giving Abby the reason to want to hold up in the fridge taking away his chance of a reunion with his daughter.
All little niggles on what is a good little story.
The writing’s good, no problems with me but there is the odd comma hanging around – easy fixes.
It’s good to see you argue your side of things in regards my issues with the script. Shows you have a clear idea and reasoning in your own mind with the choices you made and that's cool.
I appreciate your input, Col, and I value your opinion.
I was little baffled by the end, Marcel chose to leave Abby to die and walk away but felt sorrow that it wasn’t him that was going to see his beloved daughter in the afterlife. I wonder if he saving Abby would have been more of a statement than letting her die?
I liked it – good stuff.
Steve
Thanks for the read, Steve.
One of the most difficult things I'm finding, is conveying the internal conflict with Marcel. He goes through a lot of changes, and I need to figure out a way to clarify that. SPOILERS
When Kacie died, he blamed Abby and wanted to kill her and her lover.
When Abby crashed the car into the house, he had moved past wanting to kill her and he couldn't just leave her outside.
When he tells Abby that the safe place is in the fridge, he's trying to scare her because he wants her to suffer and be afraid that she's going to die.
When Abby threatens to destroy his family estate, his anger comes back, gets the better of him, and he allows Abby to entomb herself.
In the end he knew he would eventually die and see his daughter again. The death of Abby was bitter sweet to him. She prolonged his suffering, but at the same time, gave him something he had wanted for a long time.
END SPOILERS
I didn't want to get too much into facial expressions, trying to convey all of this, but I think I might need to give a little bit more information. Either that, or direct this myself.
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