The Other Side by Jordan Littleton - Short, Drama - When a hurricane threatens the lives of a husband and wife on the verge of divorce, they must agree on who lives and who dies. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hey Jordan,

I hope you turn up and my comments dont go unheard !!!!!!

Have to say this is well written, it does have a few minor mistakes though nothing too significant.

You do mention a "walk in fridge", not sure what there are referred to in the US though in Australia they are called "Coolrooms".

ABBY (O.S.)
What do you care.
This is a question so ??????????????

Around page five - six the dialouge did felt a bit drawn out and i feel may have been shortened slightly.

"The water floods into the kitchen faster now. Marcel sits in a few inches."
Reads Awkward, maybe reword it.

This feels like an entry to the October OWC though I took a look and couldn't find it.

SPOILER:

The ending was good though I was waiting for something to happen, and it didn't.
I have to say I felt a bit dissappointed at the end as the build up and anticipation leading up to it was good, though I feel it needed a bit more.

Well done, keep at it, I enjoyed the read.

Regards Alex

Quoted from Alex_212 Hey Jordan, I hope you turn up and my comments dont go unheard !!!!!! You do mention a "walk in fridge", not sure what there are referred to in the US though in Australia they are called "Coolrooms". ABBY (O.S.) What do you care. This is a question so ?????????????? Around page five - six the dialouge did felt a bit drawn out and i feel may have been shortened slightly. "The water floods into the kitchen faster now. Marcel sits in a few inches." Reads Awkward, maybe reword it. This feels like an entry to the October OWC though I took a look and couldn't find it. SPOILER: The ending was good though I was waiting for something to happen, and it didn't. I have to say I felt a bit dissappointed at the end as the build up and anticipation leading up to it was good, though I feel it needed a bit more. Well done, keep at it, I enjoyed the read. Regards Alex

I'm here Alex.  Thanks for the read.  

You're right about this being an OWC submission but I couldn't get it in on time, plus I just couldn't work in any supernatural angle.

Thanks for letting me know that they're called, "coolrooms", down under.  I always try to write as universal as possible so it's clear to everyone.  If I ever write some dialogue for an Australian, I'll be sure to use coolroom.

When Abby says, "What do you care."  She's actually making a statement.  She's not really asking a question.  There's no inflection at the end of the sentence.  Since it was dialogue, I let the grammar be wrong.

Please point out some spots where the dialogue was drawn out.  I try to go over my scripts many times before putting them out in the world, but I just couldn't get this one where I liked it.  That's why I posted it.  I needed some extra eyes.

I agree with you about that line where the water is flooding in faster.  I remember going over that one a couple of times but I just couldn't nail it.

What would you have liked to see at the end?  This isn't the first time someone has said that my ending let them down.  I need to work on my resolution.

Thank you very much for your input.  I'll take it all into consideration in the rewrite.

Jordan

Hey Jordan

What's a walk-in fridge  As it has a door I assume it's an actual fridge but 'walk-in' means a picture a huge fridge lol...okay so urther reading explains this better.

Not sure you need 'french' in the parenthetical if you have the dialogue in french?  Might be right or might be wrong, I'm not sure...this was completely useless information, sorry lol

I like the predicament of one of them staying out of the fridge but as Marcel says the one outside will probably die and the other will inevitably be trapped inside, why don't they both just go inside?  Seems pretty stupid logic to me.  Also. as the handle is on the outside, why doesn't abbey just open the door and follow him in, closing the door so he can't push her out?

'put some shitters right over their graves'...I laughed out loud at this.

Marcel talks about the levee just before any water enters.  I think it should be the other way round.

So by the end my predicament question seems irrelevant now and I have to say I enjoyed this script a lot.

Quoted from alffy Hey Jordan What's a walk-in fridge... Not sure you need 'french' in the parenthetical if you have the dialogue in french? I like the predicament of one of them staying out of the fridge but as Marcel says the one outside will probably die and the other will inevitably be trapped inside, why don't they both just go inside?  Seems pretty stupid logic to me.  Also. as the handle is on the outside, why doesn't abbey just open the door and follow him in, closing the door so he can't push her out? Marcel talks about the levee just before any water enters.  I think it should be the other way round. So by the end my predicament question seems irrelevant now and I have to say I enjoyed this script a lot.

Alffy,

A walk in fridge is a small refrigerated room in a restaurant.

I put "French" in the parenthesis because if I were reading it, I wouldn't know it was French, plus it quickly lets you know what accent it is.  It also alludes to New Orleans.

As far as Marcel wanting to go into the fridge and leave Abby outside, I'm pretty sure that when faced with death, all of us would want to live as long as possible.  Even if it meant we were trapped inside a room.

Abby was trying to get inside the fridge when she opened the door the second time, but since Marcel was standing right there, he lunged out before she could get in.

The water does come in before Marcel says anything to Abby, so I'm not sure what you mean by, "it should be the other way around."

I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Thank you for the read.

Jordan

I must have missed the water coming in first, sorry.

Hey Jordan, another lost OWC script, huh?  Interesting...

I'll give you a few notes as I read, then, if there are too many piling up, I'll just read and give you my final thoughts.

I don't like your first Slug at all.  Trust me, I've stayed in plenty of motels, but I'm not too sure what a motel kitchen is.

Why is there a comma after "blood"?

I also don't appreciate how you don't give your characters any description, other than an age.  I'm not one who looks for smartass character intros, but we do need something, IMO.

As to the "walk in fridge", I'd use the full name, "refrigerator".  I think the main issue continues to be your opening Slug - where the Hell are they?

If a character speaks in a foreign language, you don't need a wrylie for that - unless you want it subititled.

8 inch thick concrete walls of a walk in fridge in a motel?  I honestly cannot picture where they are...or how Marcel would know anything about a walk in fridge being inside this motel kitchen.

Not a fan of the underlinings at all.

I'm on Page 6 now and IMO, this is going on too long for no real payoff.  Your dialogue is pretty good...very good at times, even, but neither Abby or Marcel or likable characters, and although there is a conflict and a hurricane raging outside, nothing really seems to be happening.  I also don't buy into the underlining plot about the divorce, where they are, why they'd be here in a hurricane, etc.

Seems like they're not where the Slug tells us they are on page 6.

Why is there a comma after rain on Page 6?

Can you tell I'm not a big fan of Page 6?  

"His gaze, locked on his phone." - this should be part of the prior sentence.  Let's get the Hell off Page 6!!!

Hmmm, you've got the weird comma thing again on the bottom of Page 8 - "Water, trickles in...".  Why are you throwing commas in like this?  Don't!

When you re-read this, look out for use of "and".  99 out of 100 times, "and" is a wasted word you should avoid.

I like the ending.  Seems a bit shoehorned in with the death of their daughter thing, but I definitely like the end.  It just takes a bit to long to get there.

I think the biggest issue here is your setting and poor description of exactly what it is. Clean that up, cut this down a page or 2 and you're half way there.  I think if you made Marcel out to be a good guy early on, it would help overall.  Or even make Abby out to be cool.  At least one of them needs to be likable up front.  I think it would increase the uneasy feel at the end, also.

Hope this helps.

The stretches of one-line action descriptions got pretty tedious in places. I couldn't say how you'd do it specifically, but I think you should try to trim some of the dialogue too. None of it's repetitive and it all serves a purpose, but there's still a lot and I'm sure it could be condensed. Also, I've never been a fan of vulgarity in a script because it reads awkwardly.

Initially, I thought Marcel was killing himself by staying outside the fridge because Kacie was dead and he was overcome with grief. Then I re-read it while working on my critique and got the "real" ending. Totally changed my perception.

I like the dynamics of the story, but I think you should change the details. Marcel's motives--protecting his status and avenging Kacie--are two of the oldest, most common scenarios found in crime dramas. True, they involve some of the strongest motivators known to mankind, but I'd like to see you change this up. Put a new spin on protection and vengeance or replace them with other motivators and put a new spin on them. If you do that, then I think you've got an even more solid script.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Jordan, another lost OWC script, huh?  Interesting... I don't like your first Slug at all.  Trust me, I've stayed in plenty of motels, but I'm not too sure what a motel kitchen is. I also don't appreciate how you don't give your characters any description, other than an age.  I'm not one who looks for smartass character intros, but we do need something, IMO. As to the "walk in fridge", I'd use the full name, "refrigerator".  I think the main issue continues to be your opening Slug - where the Hell are they? If a character speaks in a foreign language, you don't need a wrylie for that - unless you want it subititled. 8 inch thick concrete walls of a walk in fridge in a motel?  I honestly cannot picture where they are...or how Marcel would know anything about a walk in fridge being inside this motel kitchen. Not a fan of the underlinings at all. I'm on Page 6 now and IMO, this is going on too long for no real payoff.  Your dialogue is pretty good...very good at times, even, but neither Abby or Marcel or likable characters, and although there is a conflict and a hurricane raging outside, nothing really seems to be happening.  I also don't buy into the underlining plot about the divorce, where they are, why they'd be here in a hurricane, etc. Seems like they're not where the Slug tells us they are on page 6. Why is there a comma after rain on Page 6? Can you tell I'm not a big fan of Page 6?   "His gaze, locked on his phone." - this should be part of the prior sentence.  Let's get the Hell off Page 6!!! Hmmm, you've got the weird comma thing again on the bottom of Page 8 - "Water, trickles in...".  Why are you throwing commas in like this?  Don't! When you re-read this, look out for use of "and".  99 out of 100 times, "and" is a wasted word you should avoid. I like the ending.  Seems a bit shoehorned in with the death of their daughter thing, but I definitely like the end.  It just takes a bit to long to get there. I think the biggest issue here is your setting and poor description of exactly what it is. Clean that up, cut this down a page or 2 and you're half way there.  I think if you made Marcel out to be a good guy early on, it would help overall.  Or even make Abby out to be cool.  At least one of them needs to be likable up front.  I think it would increase the uneasy feel at the end, also. Hope this helps.

Thanks for the read Jeff.

The kitchen isn't in a motel room.  It's part of the diner that's attached to the motel.  I've seen plenty of motels that have a little greasy spoon attached to it.  That's where I picture them.  I'll clear that up.

I prefer not to give too many details about my characters so the reader can create their own idea of what they look like.  But you're right.  I need to give something more.

That's a good idea to use the full name, "refrigerator".

Thanks for the info on the wrylie.

Marcel didn't know that there was a walk in fridge in the motel.  He was just seeking shelter from the storm, and this was the best he could find.

I intentionally used a lot of underlinings to get a feel for how everyone felt about them.  I see them occasionally and I wasn't sure if I should CAP, italicize, or underline dialogue in order to show inflection.

Thanks for the compliment on the dialogue.  I tried to make Marcel likeable when he says that Abby is screwing him over.  I could add something else to help the reader identify with him more.

The reason they were out was to get the divorce papers signed.  They were on their way to the lawyers office when the storm caught them off guard.

The slug is correct.  I wanted the shot to be from inside the fridge, framed by the blackness of the doorway.

I agree with the overuse of commas.  I put them in to add a pause, but I can see that they're not necessary a lot of the time.

I put, "His gaze, locked on his phone." on a separate line for pacing.

I'll have to sit on this one for a little while and then come back to it in order to plug all the holes.  Right now I see everything in my head, and all of the details aren't coming out on the page.

Thanks for the notes, Jeff.

Jordan

Quoted from DanBall The stretches of one-line action descriptions got pretty tedious in places... ...I've never been a fan of vulgarity in a script because it reads awkwardly. ...Then I re-read it while working on my critique and got the "real" ending. Totally changed my perception. I like the dynamics of the story, but I think you should change the details. Marcel's motives--protecting his status and avenging Kacie--are two of the oldest, most common scenarios found in crime dramas.

Thanks for the read, Dan.

The one line action descriptions are for pacing.  I could tighten them up a little though.

I agree that vulgarity reads awkwardly, so I try not to use it too much.  In this case, I wanted to show their complete disrespect for each other.

SPOILER

Marcel actually wanted to be in the fridge because he knew it was a death sentence.  He didn't really care about his estate, but he would never let Abby know that.

Ultimately he wasn't trying to protect his status or avenge Kacie.  He didn't care about his status anymore and he wanted to see Kacie.  That's what was actually motivating him, but I guess I didn't make that clear.

END SPOILER

Thanks for the review, Dan.  I'm glad you liked parts of it.  I'll try to improve on the parts you didn't like.

Jordan

Hey Jordan, a couple things I want to throw out.

First of all, I don't know why anyone would say that vulgarity reads awkwardly.  Vulgarity and the like is part of human interaction...at least in the circles I travel in.

The deal with the Slug - I understand what you're saying and what you were trying to do, but you need to understand that by doing this, you are attempting to direct teh shot and that's not your job.  By doing such things, you will always confuse someone and the fewer times you confuse your readers, the better.  Wherever the action takes place, that's where the Slug should be.

Quoted from Dreamscale First of all, I don't know why anyone would say that vulgarity reads awkwardly.  Vulgarity and the like is part of human interaction...at least in the circles I travel in.

Well, I said it because it sounds immature and...well, awkward. Like Spock's colorful metaphors in Star Trek IV. That was funny. This is troublesome.

The English language has been around for how many centuries and those few words are the best ways we've got to express anger and disrespect? Really? Shakespeare got downright funky with it in his day and in 400 years, we haven't bothered to build upon that? We've made advancements by leaps and bounds in nearly every other area of life except language. There, I'd argue that we're in a state of regression. Ty, txts!

To hear vulgarity in a performance isn't weird, because it's up to the actor to sell the rest of the dialogue with or without it. When I read it on the page, it just seems like a 12-year-old shouting at Halo.

SPOILER

Quoted from Nomad Marcel actually wanted to be in the fridge because he knew it was a death sentence.  He didn't really care about his estate, but he would never let Abby know that. Ultimately he wasn't trying to protect his status or avenge Kacie.  He didn't care about his status anymore and he wanted to see Kacie.  That's what was actually motivating him, but I guess I didn't make that clear.

Well, crap. That's how I read it the first time. When I re-read it, I thought he was using reverse psychology on her the whole time. When he said he "couldn't do it", I thought he meant kill Abby. Originally, I thought he meant he couldn't kill himself. Maybe I did a better job of reading it the first time around.

That being said, I'm sorry to say that I liked the reverse psychology bit better than the relationship drama. There are so many chilling possibilities! It's like Poe's "Cask of Amontillado" with water instead of amontillado (and quite a bit more of it) and a fridge in place of a DIY-tomb. That take on your story would be much more interesting for the actors and director to pull off, I think. If you haven't read Poe's original, it's a short read and you should give it a shot.

But don't mind me! It's your story and your inspiration to work out, so do what you've gotta do.

END SPOILER

Quoted from Dreamscale First of all, I don't know why anyone would say that vulgarity reads awkwardly. ...you are attempting to direct the shot and that's not your job.  By doing such things, you will always confuse someone and the fewer times you confuse your readers, the better.

Jeff,

There have been a couple scripts that I've read where there was a lot of vulgarity.  Sure it was some teenager's dialogue, but it read awkwardly.  Was it the vulgarity that did it or was it the writing in general?  I'd have to go back and read it again.

You have a good point on the slug.  I think there's a fine line when it comes to things like that.  I want to covey my vision, but I don't want to confuse.

Quoted from DanBall Shakespeare got downright funky with it in his day and in 400 years, we haven't bothered to build upon that?

Dan,

If Abby were to shout, "Thou reeky reeling-ripe minnow!", that would read awkward.  But I see what you mean.

Quoted from DanBall When I re-read it, I thought he was using reverse psychology on her the whole time. If you haven't read Poe's original, it's a short read and you should give it a shot.

SPOILER
I thought about going the reverse psychology route, but it just didn't come out that way.  It was more like reverse reverse psychology.  Marcel wanted Abby dead, but he couldn't kill her, and in trying to kill himself, he inadvertently ended up killing her.  He got one thing that he wanted, but not the other.  He did get to kill her, but at the cost of him continuing to live.
END SPOILER

I'm familiar with, The Cask of Amontillado, but I haven't read the whole thing.  I just downloaded it and I'm reading it now.  Thanks for the recommendation.

Jordan

SPOILER

Quoted from Nomad I thought about going the reverse psychology route, but it just didn't come out that way.  It was more like reverse reverse psychology.  Marcel wanted Abby dead, but he couldn't kill her, and in trying to kill himself, he inadvertently ended up killing her.  He got one thing that he wanted, but not the other.  He did get to kill her, but at the cost of him continuing to live.

Okay, so you elicited a third, more thorough reading from me with this. I wanted to see where I missed the reversals.

The line about the levee breaking causes problems, I think. The reversal when he wants to kill himself more than he wants to kill her isn't pronounced enough. It's an internal change, which usually takes some amount of cunning to pull off visually. That reversal might work the moment it happens in the story, but as soon as you get to the levee line, it looks like he planned the whole thing, from beginning to end. People walk away looking at the reversal in hindsight and it looks like he was just playing a game.

It's more than plausible, too. While she was knocked out, he had plenty of time to plan it out. Fate even did him one better and let the opportunity practically fall in his lap. The radio freely offers that the levee broke--lots of water coming--and they happen to be near a giant fridge where he can trap her. That's some mad temptation you're hurling at him. It's going to take all of his being to turn away from his rage and spare her. The reversal you've got just doesn't illustrate that, I don't think.

Maybe I'm wrong.

END SPOILER

My sensibilities conflict with language that's "colorful" (even though I've used a few such words in my own scripts). The use of it in this script made me not fond of either character but these two seemed not very likeable anyway, are both clearly damaged and hurting people AND are in a moment of extreme stress. About a page or two in the way they talked seemed to fit who they were.

I think you provided a good twist / hint of the backstory in this at just the right time.

I mostly thought "this is not scarier than being in the path of a tornado" until the flood happens. I don't know if that hit on some phobia I didn't know I had or what but when that shows up the tension mounted for me.

Quoted from DanBall SPOILER Okay, so you elicited a third, more thorough reading from me with this. I wanted to see where I missed the reversals. The reversal you've got just doesn't illustrate that, I don't think. Maybe I'm wrong. END SPOILER

The reversals would have to come across in the acting, the facial expressions, especially in Marcel.

I'll see what I can do to make it more obvious without drawing too much attention to it.  

Thank you very much for all your reads.  I really appreciate your input.

Jordan

Quoted from CrusaderVoice ...The use of it in this script made me not fond of either character but these two seemed not very likeable anyway, are both clearly damaged and hurting people AND are in a moment of extreme stress. ...I don't know if that hit on some phobia I didn't know I had or what but when that shows up the tension mounted for me.

Thanks for the read, Crusader.  I'm glad you said that the language made both of them not very likeable.  I'd like to have the reader side with Marcel, so I think I'll remove the colorful language from his lines.

I know what you mean about some unknown phobia.  This is the second short I've written where someone got buried alive.  I'm pretty sure that I think that's the worst way to die.

Jordan

Maybe a dumb question but is there a difference between a motel and a hotel?  I never really thought about that that.  Anyways, it was hard for me to picture a ‘motel kitchen’ – I imagine motels more like Motel 6’s where there isn’t a kitchen setup.  Hotels, on the other hand, I can picture a kitchen set up.  Whatever, I’m rambling now.  Sorry, I just couldn’t picture this damn kitchen and fridge…

Page 3 -
MARCEL
That’s, why we’re not in there.

No need for a comma.

Page 4 –
Marcel sits against the far wall, staring at his phone. He
throws his arms up with a, “what the fuck” look on his face.

Again, don’t think you need the comma there.

Page 8 –
Water, trickles in around the door and pools at her feet.

Or here.

I think the strongest aspect of this short was definitely the dialogue.  It rang true to me.  It never felt forced and read smoothly so bravo.

I would introduce the whole back-story of Kacie into the story a little earlier than you did.  I mean it’s fine the way you have it now but some people might find it a little random and abrupt.

I know we’re supposed to side with Marcel but yikes, what he ultimately does to Abby is terrible (but clever lol).  I have a recurring dream of drowning and I honestly think that’s a horrible way to die so her demise is unsettling because you know what’s coming.

Overall, I enjoyed this.  I liked all the back and forth between Marcel and Abby only because it was well done.  The ending chilled me on a personal level.

Good read,

ONEY

Jordan

I went into this blindsided, sorry if I repeat what has already been said.

Page by page notes:

“ABBY, 40, jolts awake and screams. She lies on the dingy
tile, soaked from head to toe. Blood, stains her forehead.

The wind howls outside. Rain and debris, pelt the exterior.
Small windows, high on the wall, flex against the wind.”

- Great start, love the writing style with attention grabbing imagery.

“.Marcel, 45, also soaked, sits on the floor and leans against
the rusted door of a walk in fridge.”

- There should be a hyphen joining “walk” and “in”

By page 3 I’m pretty confused as to what’s going on here. I like the razor sharp rapport between the Abby and Marcel but this talk of a house blowing onto the road and they driving into it, Marcel needing Abby to sign papers and die, and taking refuge in the walk-in fridge has me scratching my head. Not a criticism by any means as I’m presuming it will make more sense as the story unfolds.

“A foul stench punches Abby in the face as she enters.”

- I like the use of “punches” here.

MARCEL
That’s, why we’re not in there.

- Ha ha, cruel basta?d, nice twist with the missing door handle.

ABBY
You’d leave me out here to die?

Marcel thinks for a second.

MARCEL
No. I’m leaving you out here to
die.

- Is this supposed to be a joke?

“Under the dim light of his phone, he reaches for something to
hold the door shut, but only finds a sheer surface.”

- What do you mean by “sheer surface”? Is there a word missing here?

ABBY (CONT’D)
I’ll turn your family’s estate into
a rest stop. Put some shitters
right over their graves.

- What a fantastic line, made me laugh.

“A tear escapes.”

- Really? Marcel doesn’t seem like the guy that would show emotion like that.

ABBY (CONT’D)
Good luck with your hurricane.

The door latches shut.

- Right here I can see a twist coming…

Personally, I would cut out the underlining of, what you think are, important words in the dialogue. Makes me think you don’t respect or are undermining the reader’s intelligence.

ABBY (O.S.)
What do you care.

- Include a question mark. This line also appears very nonchalant and blasé for Abby, remarkably cold even, considering the subject matter and with Marcel’s verbal slip-up indicating that he blames her for their daughter’s death.

Yep, that inkling I had of a twist coming pretty much played out as I anticipated, that the fridge, was in fact the place where one would die quicker and by the look of it, more horribly.

My initial confusion as to what was going on were partially answered, they are in the midst of massive hurricane with their marriage going through a very very rough patch! However, do you think that could end up like that in a house, intact after it, as Marcel described, “crashed into them”? I don’t think so. They would be either crushed or drowned as one can presume the water must be high to move a whole house. That aside, it does create dramatic circumstances for their final confrontation to play out.

Perhaps include a brief, montage of shots at the beginning to symbolise the crash. Not anything to revealing to give things away, just a burst of imagery to represent the collision e.g. a scream, the road, debris from the house and car intermingling, etc.

The tone of the script varies wildly. The sniping and belittling back and forth at the beginning is darkly comic but still comic but by the end it has transformed into a heavy drama with revelations of adultery, losing a child and genuine wishing from both spouses that the other would die. Maybe this was your intent, to start off light and witty before descending the atmosphere into something more serious. That’s cool but it did feel uneven and tad misjudged.

Writing wise, it’s very clean and assured though it’s just the tonal variances and character inconsistencies that I had issue with.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

Quoted from Oney.Mendoza ... Anyways, it was hard for me to picture a ‘motel kitchen’ No need for a comma. I think the strongest aspect of this short was definitely the dialogue.  It rang true to me.  It never felt forced and read smoothly so bravo. Overall, I enjoyed this.  I liked all the back and forth between Marcel and Abby only because it was well done.  The ending chilled me on a personal level. Good read, ONEY

Thanks for the read Oney.

It seems to be the consensus that the location and commas need to be reworked.  I'm really bummed that I wasn't able to convey the location clearly and that I assaulted you with unnecessary commas.

I'm glad you liked the dialogue and the ending.  The ending is a little chilling to me as well.

Jordan

Yeah, "motel kitchen" just doesn't make any sense at all, and was a big problem for me out of the gate.

Now, don't get me wrong...it an be easily worked out, but you have to properly set your scenes, just like always.  It wasn't done here and that's a big mistake.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - There should be a hyphen joining “walk” and “in” By page 3 I’m pretty confused as to what’s going on here. I like the razor sharp rapport between the Abby and Marcel but this talk of a house blowing onto the road and they driving into it, Marcel needing Abby to sign papers and die, and taking refuge in the walk-in fridge has me scratching my head. Not a criticism by any means as I’m presuming it will make more sense as the story unfolds. ...MARCEL No. I’m leaving you out here to die. - Is this supposed to be a joke? - What do you mean by “sheer surface”? Is there a word missing here? ...“A tear escapes.” - Really? Marcel doesn’t seem like the guy that would show emotion like that. Personally, I would cut out the underlining of, what you think are, important words in the dialogue. Makes me think you don’t respect or are undermining the reader’s intelligence. ABBY (O.S.) What do you care. - Include a question mark. This line also appears very nonchalant and blasé for Abby, remarkably cold even, considering the subject matter and with Marcel’s verbal slip-up indicating that he blames her for their daughter’s death. Yep, that inkling I had of a twist coming pretty much played out as I anticipated, that the fridge, was in fact the place where one would die quicker and by the look of it, more horribly. However, do you think that could end up like that in a house, intact after it, as Marcel described, “crashed into them”? I don’t think so. Perhaps include a brief, montage of shots at the beginning to symbolise the crash. The tone of the script varies wildly. Writing wise, it’s very clean and assured though it’s just the tonal variances and character inconsistencies that I had issue with. Best of luck with it. Col.

Thanks for the great review, Col.

You're absolutely correct about the hyphen.  I should have known better.

The location seems to be unclear to most readers.  I was trying to keep this low budget but I guess a shot of Abby looking out the kitchen window of the motel to see her car enveloped by a house that blew onto the road, would help.  I'm just going to change it to a diner.  I was trying to keep in line with the OWC guidelines, but I already missed that boat.

I guess I learned that even if I'm trying to keep it low budget, I could use some visuals to help clarify the situation.

Marcel saying that he's leaving Abby out there to die, is kind of a sick joke, but more of a, matter of fact saying.

A sheer surface is just a smooth flat surface.  Like glass.

Marcel isn't a guy who cries, that's why the tear 'escapes'.  He's trying hard to keep it from happening but he's unable to.

I used the underlinings to get a feel for how everyone felt about them.  I don't think I'm going to use them as much in the future.

When Abby says, "What do you care." she isn't asking a question.  I basically wanted to show that the inflection didn't go up at the end of her statement.  She's downtrodden and the loss of Kacie hurts her too.  Her statement is her way of saying that she doesn't want to talk about it.

They weren't in the house that they crashed into.  They were in a motel that was next to where their car crashed.  I need to clear that up.  A montage would definitely help with that.

I tried to keep the tone, dark, for the most part.  I see what you're saying about the comic aspect of the beginning, but it's still two people talking about death and misery.

Thanks for your input.

Jordan

Quoted from Dreamscale Yeah, "motel kitchen" just doesn't make any sense at all, and was a big problem for me out of the gate.

I was picturing something like this, except less Pennsylvania, more Louisiana.

It’s good to see you argue your side of things in regards my issues with the script. Shows you have a clear idea and reasoning in your own mind with the choices you made and that's cool. In many cases, further clarity is all that’s required.

Quoted from Nomad I tried to keep the tone, dark, for the most part.  I see what you're saying about the comic aspect of the beginning, but it's still two people talking about death and misery.

- Yes, I mentioned it being dark humour but by the end the tone is wildly different. This is not always a bad thing by the way, avant-garde Asian cinema have this down to a tee, Chan-wook Park being the most mainstream example but here I think it jars.

I realise it’s an end of the world scenario and people are not themselves when face to face with death (plus I enjoyed the initial snappy banter) but I just felt by the end the character dynamic was awkwardly heavy and earnest in comparison.

Hey Jordan,

A nice script this one – the reason I say this was this was obviously supposed to be part of the recent OWC and I never thought I would be able to read a short in a motel and enjoy it again after that.

But I enjoyed this one overall; I liked the interaction between the two characters and their obvious disdain for one another. The dialogue was good while the twist with the walk-in fridge (which I see has caused problems) was a nice idea.

I was little baffled by the end, Marcel chose to leave Abby to die and walk away but felt sorrow that it wasn’t him that was going to see his beloved daughter in the afterlife. I wonder if he saving Abby would have been more of a statement than letting her die?

A lot of this goes against the opening of their conversation where he needs her to sign the paperwork. Okay, the scenario has changed but to leave her seems odd, he said “he wanted to kill her” so I was guessing his initial “serial killer” attitude has faded away.

I was also a little surprised that Marcel would tell Abby that the fridge is the safe place to be if it was his intention to die in there. He’s basically giving Abby the reason to want to hold up in the fridge taking away his chance of a reunion with his daughter.

All little niggles on what is a good little story.

The writing’s good, no problems with me but there is the odd comma hanging around – easy fixes.

I liked it – good stuff.

Steve

Quoted from Colkurtz8 It’s good to see you argue your side of things in regards my issues with the script. Shows you have a clear idea and reasoning in your own mind with the choices you made and that's cool.

I appreciate your input, Col, and I value your opinion.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Hey Jordan, I was little baffled by the end, Marcel chose to leave Abby to die and walk away but felt sorrow that it wasn’t him that was going to see his beloved daughter in the afterlife. I wonder if he saving Abby would have been more of a statement than letting her die? I liked it – good stuff. Steve

Thanks for the read, Steve.

One of the most difficult things I'm finding, is conveying the internal conflict with Marcel.  He goes through a lot of changes, and I need to figure out a way to clarify that.
SPOILERS

• When Kacie died, he blamed Abby and wanted to kill her and her lover.  
  
• When Abby crashed the car into the house, he had moved past wanting to kill her and he couldn't just leave her outside.
  
• When he tells Abby that the safe place is in the fridge, he's trying to scare her because he wants her to suffer and be afraid that she's going to die.
  
• When Abby threatens to destroy his family estate, his anger comes back, gets the better of him, and he allows Abby to entomb herself.
  
• In the end he knew he would eventually die and see his daughter again.  The death of Abby was bitter sweet to him.  She prolonged his suffering, but at the same time, gave him something he had wanted for a long time.
  

END SPOILERS

I didn't want to get too much into facial expressions, trying to convey all of this, but I think I might need to give a little bit more information.  Either that, or direct this myself.

I'm glad you like it.

Jordan