Please keep it about the script, folks.  Thanks.

Phil, are you seriously implying that you haven't...and don't do the same?  Really?  C'mon now.

Michael, I will attempt to respect your wishes and will send our boy Kurt a PM in response to his post about me.

To the writer of this script, what I said was meant to help you.  Whether or not the log was rushed or not doesn't matter.  You want o garner interest in your script and you as a writer, a typo/mistake/issue like this in your log is a killer every time.

Great to see the Sock back in action.

Jack

Page by Page notes/reactions:

INT. CUPBOARD – DAY

“The exterior of an aging Victorian style mansion. The
shutters are tattered and hanging off, the bricks are worn
and faded. The paint on the front porch’s columns is chipped
and the whole thing looks like it could blow over in a
moment. A rocking chair lies on it’s side.”

- Try to limit your blocks of description down to four lines max. Nice descriptions here nonetheless, you get a feel for the place but it’s way too baggy and overwritten. Replace “and” with a comma where possible.

I’m guessing the slug line is a mistake?

Also, a super or caption telling us the year in which this is set wouldn’t go amiss as this is obviously not set in contemporary times.

“ALABASTER TABERNACLE.”

- What a name!

“solved Gabrian House’s”

- Should this not be “Branigan House”?

“Paulie Monaco”

- Another fantastic handle!

“Alabaster tries to wither him with a cold stare.”

- Maybe replace “wither” with “intimidate” or “annoy” depending on what you actually mean by “wither”.

ALABASTER
Try me blockhead. You cant even get
in here.

- I had to laugh at the  name “blockhead”

“She is MARIE GABRIAN,”
- Again, should this be “Branigan”

Not much to say here, it’s a nice little set-up and pay-off with a ghoulish touch, although it could do with an extra twist or surprise to punch it up to something better. I realise you can’t do a lot with 4 pages so maybe think about expanding it

You have an interesting setting with the orphanage,bully and bullied dynamic between the kids and the gruesome Roald Dahl-esque Mrs Garbrian/Branigan. I could see nobody but Helena Botham Carter play that role!

As it stands though, it’s quite simplistic; boy has glass eye, bully take it, one eyed teacher reclaims it, boy gets off the hook, not much else…However I was intrigued by Alabaster’s initial monologue over some mystery going on at the orphanage. Does this indicate that there is a bigger story going on here that we are not privy to yet...or just Alabaster’s active imagination?

Like I said, it’s not bad, the eye patch sporting Mrs. Gabrian/Branigan lifting up said patch was kind of amusing in a silly way but, I would like to see more to this, its feels too straightforward thus unsatisfying as a whole.

But first things first, get into the habit of breaking up those blocks of action lines. Always look to pare down the writing to the necessary details that we, the audience, can see on screen. Read as many (good) scripts as you can, absorb and apply to your own work.

Best of luck

Col.

Formatting points have been addressed in earlier posts, so would go straight into what I thought of the story:

It had potential to be an interesting story about a boy's revenge and could be expanded / fleshed out more.

Some suggestions (they may or may not work, please feel free to take them with a pinch of salt)

• PAULIE's first line of dialogue was inconsistent with the way he had been described / I had imagined him. IMO, a bully would not ask to borrow, he would simply take.
  

• Some of the actions could be shortened for greater impact, instead of being spelt out in a step-by-step manner. E.g. 'He grins and laughs as he holds it up high above his head.' could be 'He laughs and holds it up high above his head.'
  

• Instead of having the viewer follow Paulie through the hallway as he walks from the original room to the room where Earl and Frankie were waiting, cut straight there / start a new scene.
  

PAULIE
Boys I brought us some trash to throw away.

He hold(s) up the glass eyeball.

PAULIE (CONT.)
And I got the eyeball too.

This part stood out to me, it's clever writing, but a more action-driven entrance for Paulie (when he brings Alabaster into the room where Earl and Frankie is) could also be considered.

All the best!