PS will you be attending the screenwriter seminars in the MAC on monday/tuesday evening. Unfortunately I can't make it but could be good for you. I think its specialising on features. Check it out

Gav, that is an amazing achievement.  Seeing something you wrote brought off the pages must be a wonderful feeling and I cannot wait to experience!  You should post the short movie here!

And I agree with what you're saying!  And I love Sister Act and that paraphrase!  Haha.  Thanks man!

-- Curt

So, was having the Skype call with Kevin the director when my uncle and his girlfriend walked in and I haven't seen them in ages so it was ended early, lol!

But I and Kevin had a good talk. Nails producers are in LA and won't be back until Thursday, and he's sure they will be backing this script, and he said even if they don't, he'd be willing to make his independently.  So this will make it to screen!

They're hopefully going to get a breakdown and contract ready for me to look at, then things will hopefully roll!

-- Curt

Sweet as hell. Did he talk projected budget? You'll be able to film this very cheaply and easily, depending upon access to equipment, crew and actors.

Not, really.  He said its going to be dead easy location-wise to film because its three major areas (the bridge, house and park) -- he won't even have to pay for most the locations.  But I should know next week what the producers say when they get back from their trip!

Hopefully the producers are on board with this, because it'll then be much easier for him.

And GAV, just seeing your comment on the seminars.  Sadly not, I work 5 to 8 on Monday through to Friday, but a writer friend of mine is submitting a feature to New Talent Focus so he's attending!

-- Curt

So as already mentioned, I'm not digging the quick action shots (flashbacks) at the start. You should move the BEGIN FLASHBACKS till just before they start (kind of confused me). Also, I think it would be more emphatic if you didn't describe them as "alternatively handsome" and "beautiful" especially since they are brother and sister and it kind of gives off a romantic tone in the first couple of lines. Maybe just have them be normal-looking or better yet awkward-looking. I also think they should be younger.

RILEY
I�d have to disagree. I�m not a
psychiatrist, or even one of those
overly pretentious people who call
themselves psychiatrists and charge
crazy prices for you to lie back on
a leather sofa, but I am your
girlfriend. I just wish you
wouldn�t bottle things up, Cam.

I don't like that line. I think it's too long, especially transitioning from the  conversation they were having earlier. Her tone feels too forced imo.

By about page 3 to 4, i already sensed where this was going. I would keep Cam's response to his girlfriend as just, "I miss my sister." I know they are boyfriend and girlfriend, but it just doesnt seem to believable from a reader's perspective, just having been introduced to these characters.

RILEY
Oh? I thought we were going to go
see your mom and Danielle�s graves?

Seems insensitive. Maybe just, "I thought we were going to the cemetary?" or "I thought we were going to see Danielle."

I don't think Riley should be wearing a black hoodie. That just makes her look even more suspcious. Also, why does Cam get so depressed all of a sudden? Was there a trigger? Maybe you should write a scene from his perspective.

I find it awkward that Danielle appears to Cam, while he's taking a bath. Shower seems better, but still weird. I'm getting a sense of underlying sexual tension between Danielle and Cam. Is that something you intended?

Okay so, I didn't really like this one. It mostly consisted of Riley being borderline stalker/crazy while Cam breaks down every single second for really no reason. I think you should show Danielle's death, so the reader can feel for Cam. There should also be a trigger for why Cam breaks down, especially since it's years after the incident. I'm not feeling Riley. She comes off as a sarchastic hipster-like girl and the emotional moments between Cam and her feel artificial. This is because we only see her as how she interacts with Cam. Take a few pages and develop her character a little more.

I think the biggest problem was that the story was too 'light' for it's context, maybe that's more realistic, but it makes it far less entertaining. It felt coming-of-age when I think it should of been more dark drama or even tragedy. So my biggest tips:

1) Make it darker. Show the incident. Show Cam getting suicidal. Show the toll it takes on Riley.
2) More character development for Riley.
3) Less sexual tension (this really distracted me, intended or not)
^
I almost felt like you could just make Danielle an ex-lover and it would have the same effect, maybe add some drama to the story.

Curtise, I really enjoyed some of your other works, especially Last Rites (I'm a sucker for WW2), so I know you have the capability. Let me know, if you need any help. I'm in my senior year of college, so I'll definately have more time to be active on the boards.  

Hopefully, I'll get something up one of these days.

I don't have time to reply to all your comments now.  I agree with some and disagree with other things too.

I'll try to get to replying soon.  I just want to point out that I didn't write Last Rites, Gary (hawkeye) did.

-- Curt

Hi Curtis

I really enjoyed your script. Really liked the character development of both Cameron and Riley...more so, Riley, I really like her dependable and caring nature.

This definitely has the makings for an even bigger format than short drama. You should think about expanding on the story in the future.

Great job

-Silva Sly-

Oh, my bad. I usually just save these scripts in a temp. folder and read them in small sittings. I did very much enjoy Need though. I'm going to give this one another read through to see if I missed/overlooked anything.

I forgot to mention in my original post, but there were no formatting/grammar issues (didn't expect any). This was an easy read, you kept the writing simple and on point, which is always a huge plus in my book.

@Chongamon


Hey, so finally have time to reply to you.

About the beginning.  Yea, there's lots of mixed opinions about the start.  I guess either you'll like it or you won't.  I might take on board the advice about not describing them as attractive so people don't get the wrong impression... but I do think it makes it clear they're siblings when she refers to Cam as "little bro..."

About the graves, yea, I might change that to cemtery too.  Thanks for the pointer.

Cam also gets so depressed because he's had enough of hearing his sister and seeing his sister.  The final straw was when the scene between he and him in the bathroom.  That was the bomb trigger.

I think you're looking too much into it.  It's not as if Danielle could see anything in the bathroom.  There was no intent on my behalf to have any underlying sexual tension between the two.  They're just a brother and sister who had a great relationship.

"Riley being borderline stalker/crazy..." -- I don't really agree with this.  I think you're the only person to have told me Riley's actions were crazy or stalkerish.

"...since it's years after the incident..." -- it's only been four months, there was a SUPER to explain this and Riley also explains this in the scene in the park.

I'm not going to be making this darker.  The point of this was to have it be LIGHT with a happy ending.  My two pevious shorts Need and A Perfect Day were quite depressing and dark, so I wanted this one to still be a drama but with a happy ending... and less dark... if you get my drift?

Thanks for the read.  I'm greatful for the advice, either way.  And glad you also enjoyed need.  Hopefully they both look well when they're produced.

@Silva

Hey Silva, thanks for the read, very happy you enjoyed this!

I'm in a contract with a producer and a director in Texas to have this made, so I don't think there will be any plans for making this into a feature.  However, I have written a feature with similiar subject matters that will be coming to SS soon.

Okay, so I reread your script and it cleared up alot of things.

I agree with you that Riley doesn't come off stalker/crazy, that was bad wording on my part. I just meant she comes off a bit needy, although she's trying to be supportive. It's like she wants to doctor him instead of letting him work it out by himself.

I totally get that you were trying to make something lighter. Big props on not just sticking to one avenue. I think you could still make the story darker, but still have the happy ending.

As for the trigger, I thought Cam's hallucinations was something that happened on a daily basis. Maybe you could show something that triggers his hallucination. Maybe, he used to take baths with his sister when they were little or maybe he sees something that reminds him of her.

Congrats on getting this and Need produced, can't wait to check them out.

I think Riley's the way she is because she's just so worried about her boyfriend.  She's deeply in love.  She cares about him.  It didn't come off as "needy" either to me, but yet I wrote it, and that's just me... so I'm sure others are trying to agree.  I think it's more worried.

I don't think I'd have any ideas about this going darker without having the story come off as contrived.  One avenue could be having Cam go a little bit more suicidal, but I dealt with suicide in another short of mine, so I didn't want to go anywhere near that.

I appreciate all the other comments, and welcome all your feedback.  Because every critique is pushing me in the right direction with my writing in the future!

And thanks!  Yea, I cannot wait to get more updates from both directors, and cannot wait to see both shorts make it to the screen!

-- Curt

So, after nearly two long weeks of silence, I thought the director had pulled out and bailed.

And then today I hear back from him!  Woo!  He passed the script to his producers and they're going to stick behind him, so is will be seeing the light of day.  I let my doubts get the better of me there for a while.  Believe that I did sigh a huge breath of relief!

Just wanna let you guys know that the two female leads are almost cast, and the male lead is close!

The director will be sending me over an agreement soon.  And if all goes to plan, filming begins August 3rd!

Curt

WHEN IT WAS BLISS begins shooting AUGUST 3RD.

All three characters -- Cam, Riley and Danielle -- have been casted!  Preliminary location scouting has begun!

Just a quick update for you guys, or anyone who is interested!

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