When It Was Bliss by Curtis Rainey (AmbitionIsKey) - Short, Drama - Following the death of his sister, a teenager struggles to cope with the loss, even though his supportive girlfriend is willing to do anything to make it better. - pdf, format


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Edit - Now in production.  Like it in The Facebooks

How do, Curtis.

Can you fade in with flashbacks?  How do it's a flashback with no previous reference?
I actually think it's more of a montage than a flashback.

I'd try to mix up the opening words to some action paragraphs as they become repetitive at times.  An example is the scene in Danielle's bedroom when there are eight paragraphs and five start with 'Cameron', in fact five out of the last six start with 'Cameron'.

I don't understand the 'it makes me feel bliss' statement?  I get that he's trying for closure but 'bliss' makes me think of happiness and that makes me feel like he's happy of the memory of his sister falling from the bridge.  Also Riley asks Cameron if he's still marking off days after 3 weeks, surely she's just bringing up the memory of his loss again?  I did wonder about Cameron and Danielle's relationship, like where were their parents as they seemed to be living alone together.

This seems a bit harsh that I've pulled out these niggles but that's because I liked this but these few little things troubled me.  I really liked this piece, although it was quite depressing, but it was moving and heart felt.

Overall, I liked this.

Hey Curtis  saw something new up by you, so I thought I'd take a look.

Not too sure you need to start off with the flashbacks - the super saying four months later does the same trick with less clutter.

Also, within the flashback there is a montage or series of shots, which should be shown.

Story-wise, I don't think this one went anywhere.

Until Danielle says '... little bro', I kinda thought they were courting, so that gave me a second read, and I also thought the story-line might go other places (kinda dodgy ones).

I think it would be better having the bridge at the beginning, and maybe changing that opening scene. On p.4 and at the end Cameron reveals there was some mocking from Danielle, and I think that might be worth playing on - instead of them having fun, maybe go for her always out-doing him - her being a bit of a dare-devil - that might add to the 'issues' that he has to resolve (the key dynamic). As is, I wasn't too sure what actual issues he was trying to get over, and I think there needed to be a bit more to give it some emotional impact.

I think Riley needs a little more motivation to stay committed to him, or else she ends the relationship and maybe they have a chance meeting?

Writing's generally good, but there's a couple of real soft spots:

p.4 - A much more grubbier area in comparison to Riley’s street.
-- ain't good English, and isn't a true visual.

In short, it's okay, but I don't think that you've shown/explored/nailed the true dynamic of the Bro'/sis' relation, and as a consequence of that, you've not really resolved them properly.

Best o' luck with -

Simon

Firstly, big thanks to Don for getting this up.  This is my third short to day, and I personally have to thank this board so much for helping me learn/improve on my writing.

Also, big thanks and shout out to Toby (Toby_E) -- for pointing me in the right direction with this and reading the first draft, he be my bruvvvva.

This is in-line to be produced by a filmmaker in Texas, which is also exciting.   And I owe it all to this site!

@Allfy

Yea, I was unsure on the "FADE IN" to flashbacks.  I didn't know whether to go with it or not, in the end I did, but might change that now to a SLUG then begin the flashbacks.

Point taken about the opening, too.  Thanks for pointing that out.

Like you said, regarding the scene at the bridge, it was Cam's closure.  He'd been hearing his sister, seeing her, and earlier she says to him that he needs to stop blaming himself -- then it'll be bliss and all okay again for him.  That scene was Cam finally listening to Danielle and following her wishes and overcoming the pain by going back to the scene of her death.

I don't think the marking of the dates would bring back the memory of her death.  Like previously stated, Danielle said he had to make more memories, and by Cam continuing to mark off the dates it's proving his strength, IMO.  

Yea, my previous shorts were quite depressing (which I think makes for good drama), but towards the end I wanted this peice to be more heartfelt and happy, so I hope I pulled that off.

Glad you enjoyed it overall though, always appreciate your feedback.

@SiColl

I had her say "little 'bro" at the start so people would know their relation from the first page of the short.

Considering all your comments though.  Thanks for the read, always love hearing your feedback.  I don't think, since I'm in an agreement with the director, that I can highly change this.  I might speak to him about making another draft with this, with your guys suggestions in mind, and see what he thinks.

There's a line that mentions Cam's mother is dead, and at one stage Riley says something during the fight outside the housr that Cam had previously "cut her off" before.  I kinda' implied that -- that was Riley's motivation to stay with him.  Cam had experienced lost before and she didn't want to see him break.

Thanks for the read!

-- Curt

Hey Curt - congrats on hooking this one up with a producer; hope it all works out well. At the end of the day if they are happy with it and want to go with it then that's fine - but I think they are always open to refinements --

let us know how it goes

Thanks, Si.

The director actually got in contact with me because he had read "Need" (another of my shorts, I think you read on here) and he wanted to direct it, but I already had signed an agreement with another director in Florida so he eventually ended up asking if I had anything else -- and this short was the "anything else" which secured the deal.

I'm hoping both productions eventually make it from start to finish and production.  It'd be a dream for me.  I also think the director would be up for tightening up the script, so I think I will contact him about it.

We're planned to Skype a conference call on Saturday (my UK time) so I will deffo be keeping you guys up to date!

-- Curt

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey Also, big thanks and shout out to Toby (Toby_E) -- for pointing me in the right direction with this and reading the first draft, he be my bruvvvva.

No worries at all, man! As I said when I read this, I think this is your strongest work to date. I look forward to hearing about the production schedule, etc., so definitely chime back in here after the Skype conference!

Thanks a lot, Toby.  I hope the Skype call goes smoothly and everything is kind of smoothed out and I get a rundown of how this will go.  

Cannot wait to share whatever the director says with you guys.  You lead me in the right direction!

Yeah, Toby's a good guy.  He read one of my drafts too, and really helped with his comments.  Make sure you thank that guy! haha  

Anyway, I, on the other hand, was slightly disappointed with this.

Some scenes I bought... some were 'eh'.  I think you could really benefit from spicing up your writing a bit.  Especially since you write about such dark topics most of the time.  This is starting to be a real problem with me when it comes to opening up someone's work.  Dull, plain, bland, are some words that come to mind a lot lately.  For example, you have two female characters that you describe as "beautiful".  I know you can do better than that.  What does Manny say in Scarface about another gangster with style?  Something like, "look at that guy, he's got pizazz."  Try to put some pizazz into your writing.  Some flair, spark.

On another note, I really like Riley.  Reminds me of my girlfriend.  Dependable, unwavering, always there.  She really helped me out a lot when my uncle passed...which was a reason why I dropped out of the recent 1+7 week challenge.  You have a good character in Riley...dare I say you could even make her a little bit stronger, and give her more to do, maybe even expand this longer than 11 pages.

hey curt, good job on this one. Absolutely chuffed you're getting it produced. Looking forward to hearing more about it.
Good luck man
-Gav

@Reaper

He is, he's a cool dude alright, and such a help, he's even helped me out on my next short I plan to post soon!

Sad to hear you we're slightly disappointed though!

I agree about the spark and pizazz though (ah, PIZAZZ, how I love that word!) -- my writing used to make use of prose but I since stripped it back and made it much more straight forward, something I learned from this forum.  However I do agree that the writing in this could be more... capturing?  Thanks for pointing that out. Mim going to suggest to the director filming this that I maybe do a rewrite to tighten things up and add a little bit more pizazz, haha.

Glad you liked, Riley.  Her dialogue is slightly based on that of my friend, Hazel, who when talking to me last month talked about how she wasn't a psychiatrist and all that but she wanted me to open up -- slightly similar to the dialogue Riley says in the park at the start with Cam.   I really enjoyed writing for Riley, so I'm glad she remind you of someone close, and sorry to hear about your uncle, stay strong.  I recently had a passing in my family and it was hard to pull through but I got there.

I agree maybe she could be stronger, but I really don't want to go past 10 pages on this one.  I think in it's condition it would make a good short movie, but I do agree there's room for improvement.

@Gav

Glad you enjoyed it, man.  Yea, it's exciting to have two shorts being produced, especially since I'm so young (people are now starting to take my pursuits of being a screenwriter seriously, both friends and family, thank God!!!).  Lets hope it doesn't fall through though, because I've heard of people just vanishing and abandoning a project like the drop of a hat.

-- Curt

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey I agree about the spark and pizazz though (ah, PIZAZZ, how I love that word!) -- my writing used to make use of prose but I since stripped it back and made it much more straight forward, something I learned from this forum.  However I do agree that the writing in this could be more... capturing?

I seem to recall a line from A Perfect Day.  One of your character's was described as "probably the type that would have a plethora of babes at his feet" or something like that.  I think it was a little clunky, but you could also see a sense of style trying to scratch the surface.  You don't want to lose that.  

So many times I am just turned off by a lot of writing on here because it doesn't engage me... at all.  I wouldn't want to open your next short and then throw it into a pile of bore-fests.

Good news about getting this produced, Curt.  Well done, chief.

Thanks, man!  I hope this guy follows through!

And @Reaper

I remember that line!  I think it's cut from the new draft I have yet to post because it was unfilmable, but I know what you're saying about it being clunky and it inferred SOMETHING sparkly was there!  I hope I don't loose that.

I'm finishing my last week of compulsory schooling here in the UK in one weeks time.  New path, new road, new school, and mostly new people for me after the Summer.  I want to possibly pursue a much more happier story (in comparison to my others) regarding all this and turn it into a cool story.

-- Curt

Curt - I recently had my short produced by a crew of university students in their final year of Film Production. Its was a bit different to how I imagined it as was written but still seeing my work on screen was an immensely proud and influential moment, especially considering it was the first short I posted on here.

Never let anyone beat you up about becoming a screenwriter, no matter your age, background or anything. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act "If the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning is screenwriting, then you're a screenwriter"

Ok so thats not completely true but you get where Im going with this lol

PS will you be attending the screenwriter seminars in the MAC on monday/tuesday evening. Unfortunately I can't make it but could be good for you. I think its specialising on features. Check it out

Gav, that is an amazing achievement.  Seeing something you wrote brought off the pages must be a wonderful feeling and I cannot wait to experience!  You should post the short movie here!

And I agree with what you're saying!  And I love Sister Act and that paraphrase!  Haha.  Thanks man!

-- Curt

So, was having the Skype call with Kevin the director when my uncle and his girlfriend walked in and I haven't seen them in ages so it was ended early, lol!

But I and Kevin had a good talk. Nails producers are in LA and won't be back until Thursday, and he's sure they will be backing this script, and he said even if they don't, he'd be willing to make his independently.  So this will make it to screen!

They're hopefully going to get a breakdown and contract ready for me to look at, then things will hopefully roll!

-- Curt

Sweet as hell. Did he talk projected budget? You'll be able to film this very cheaply and easily, depending upon access to equipment, crew and actors.

Not, really.  He said its going to be dead easy location-wise to film because its three major areas (the bridge, house and park) -- he won't even have to pay for most the locations.  But I should know next week what the producers say when they get back from their trip!

Hopefully the producers are on board with this, because it'll then be much easier for him.

And GAV, just seeing your comment on the seminars.  Sadly not, I work 5 to 8 on Monday through to Friday, but a writer friend of mine is submitting a feature to New Talent Focus so he's attending!

-- Curt

So as already mentioned, I'm not digging the quick action shots (flashbacks) at the start. You should move the BEGIN FLASHBACKS till just before they start (kind of confused me). Also, I think it would be more emphatic if you didn't describe them as "alternatively handsome" and "beautiful" especially since they are brother and sister and it kind of gives off a romantic tone in the first couple of lines. Maybe just have them be normal-looking or better yet awkward-looking. I also think they should be younger.

RILEY
I�d have to disagree. I�m not a
psychiatrist, or even one of those
overly pretentious people who call
themselves psychiatrists and charge
crazy prices for you to lie back on
a leather sofa, but I am your
girlfriend. I just wish you
wouldn�t bottle things up, Cam.

I don't like that line. I think it's too long, especially transitioning from the  conversation they were having earlier. Her tone feels too forced imo.

By about page 3 to 4, i already sensed where this was going. I would keep Cam's response to his girlfriend as just, "I miss my sister." I know they are boyfriend and girlfriend, but it just doesnt seem to believable from a reader's perspective, just having been introduced to these characters.

RILEY
Oh? I thought we were going to go
see your mom and Danielle�s graves?

Seems insensitive. Maybe just, "I thought we were going to the cemetary?" or "I thought we were going to see Danielle."

I don't think Riley should be wearing a black hoodie. That just makes her look even more suspcious. Also, why does Cam get so depressed all of a sudden? Was there a trigger? Maybe you should write a scene from his perspective.

I find it awkward that Danielle appears to Cam, while he's taking a bath. Shower seems better, but still weird. I'm getting a sense of underlying sexual tension between Danielle and Cam. Is that something you intended?

Okay so, I didn't really like this one. It mostly consisted of Riley being borderline stalker/crazy while Cam breaks down every single second for really no reason. I think you should show Danielle's death, so the reader can feel for Cam. There should also be a trigger for why Cam breaks down, especially since it's years after the incident. I'm not feeling Riley. She comes off as a sarchastic hipster-like girl and the emotional moments between Cam and her feel artificial. This is because we only see her as how she interacts with Cam. Take a few pages and develop her character a little more.

I think the biggest problem was that the story was too 'light' for it's context, maybe that's more realistic, but it makes it far less entertaining. It felt coming-of-age when I think it should of been more dark drama or even tragedy. So my biggest tips:

1) Make it darker. Show the incident. Show Cam getting suicidal. Show the toll it takes on Riley.
2) More character development for Riley.
3) Less sexual tension (this really distracted me, intended or not)
^
I almost felt like you could just make Danielle an ex-lover and it would have the same effect, maybe add some drama to the story.

Curtise, I really enjoyed some of your other works, especially Last Rites (I'm a sucker for WW2), so I know you have the capability. Let me know, if you need any help. I'm in my senior year of college, so I'll definately have more time to be active on the boards.  

Hopefully, I'll get something up one of these days.

I don't have time to reply to all your comments now.  I agree with some and disagree with other things too.

I'll try to get to replying soon.  I just want to point out that I didn't write Last Rites, Gary (hawkeye) did.

-- Curt

Hi Curtis

I really enjoyed your script. Really liked the character development of both Cameron and Riley...more so, Riley, I really like her dependable and caring nature.

This definitely has the makings for an even bigger format than short drama. You should think about expanding on the story in the future.

Great job

-Silva Sly-

Oh, my bad. I usually just save these scripts in a temp. folder and read them in small sittings. I did very much enjoy Need though. I'm going to give this one another read through to see if I missed/overlooked anything.

I forgot to mention in my original post, but there were no formatting/grammar issues (didn't expect any). This was an easy read, you kept the writing simple and on point, which is always a huge plus in my book.

@Chongamon


Hey, so finally have time to reply to you.

About the beginning.  Yea, there's lots of mixed opinions about the start.  I guess either you'll like it or you won't.  I might take on board the advice about not describing them as attractive so people don't get the wrong impression... but I do think it makes it clear they're siblings when she refers to Cam as "little bro..."

About the graves, yea, I might change that to cemtery too.  Thanks for the pointer.

Cam also gets so depressed because he's had enough of hearing his sister and seeing his sister.  The final straw was when the scene between he and him in the bathroom.  That was the bomb trigger.

I think you're looking too much into it.  It's not as if Danielle could see anything in the bathroom.  There was no intent on my behalf to have any underlying sexual tension between the two.  They're just a brother and sister who had a great relationship.

"Riley being borderline stalker/crazy..." -- I don't really agree with this.  I think you're the only person to have told me Riley's actions were crazy or stalkerish.

"...since it's years after the incident..." -- it's only been four months, there was a SUPER to explain this and Riley also explains this in the scene in the park.

I'm not going to be making this darker.  The point of this was to have it be LIGHT with a happy ending.  My two pevious shorts Need and A Perfect Day were quite depressing and dark, so I wanted this one to still be a drama but with a happy ending... and less dark... if you get my drift?

Thanks for the read.  I'm greatful for the advice, either way.  And glad you also enjoyed need.  Hopefully they both look well when they're produced.

@Silva

Hey Silva, thanks for the read, very happy you enjoyed this!

I'm in a contract with a producer and a director in Texas to have this made, so I don't think there will be any plans for making this into a feature.  However, I have written a feature with similiar subject matters that will be coming to SS soon.

Okay, so I reread your script and it cleared up alot of things.

I agree with you that Riley doesn't come off stalker/crazy, that was bad wording on my part. I just meant she comes off a bit needy, although she's trying to be supportive. It's like she wants to doctor him instead of letting him work it out by himself.

I totally get that you were trying to make something lighter. Big props on not just sticking to one avenue. I think you could still make the story darker, but still have the happy ending.

As for the trigger, I thought Cam's hallucinations was something that happened on a daily basis. Maybe you could show something that triggers his hallucination. Maybe, he used to take baths with his sister when they were little or maybe he sees something that reminds him of her.

Congrats on getting this and Need produced, can't wait to check them out.

I think Riley's the way she is because she's just so worried about her boyfriend.  She's deeply in love.  She cares about him.  It didn't come off as "needy" either to me, but yet I wrote it, and that's just me... so I'm sure others are trying to agree.  I think it's more worried.

I don't think I'd have any ideas about this going darker without having the story come off as contrived.  One avenue could be having Cam go a little bit more suicidal, but I dealt with suicide in another short of mine, so I didn't want to go anywhere near that.

I appreciate all the other comments, and welcome all your feedback.  Because every critique is pushing me in the right direction with my writing in the future!

And thanks!  Yea, I cannot wait to get more updates from both directors, and cannot wait to see both shorts make it to the screen!

-- Curt

So, after nearly two long weeks of silence, I thought the director had pulled out and bailed.

And then today I hear back from him!  Woo!  He passed the script to his producers and they're going to stick behind him, so is will be seeing the light of day.  I let my doubts get the better of me there for a while.  Believe that I did sigh a huge breath of relief!

Just wanna let you guys know that the two female leads are almost cast, and the male lead is close!

The director will be sending me over an agreement soon.  And if all goes to plan, filming begins August 3rd!

Curt

WHEN IT WAS BLISS begins shooting AUGUST 3RD.

All three characters -- Cam, Riley and Danielle -- have been casted!  Preliminary location scouting has begun!

Just a quick update for you guys, or anyone who is interested!

KEEP UP with the production and everything else and come LIKE our Facebook Page

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey WHEN IT WAS BLISS begins shooting AUGUST 3RD. All three characters -- Cam, Riley and Danielle -- have been casted!  Preliminary location scouting has begun! Just a quick update for you guys, or anyone who is interested! KEEP UP with the production and everything else and come LIKE our Facebook Page

Congrats Curt!

Nice to see your hard work paying off.

- Dirk

Thanks a lot Dirk, this is all pretty exciting.  Out of anything I've written, I dunno, I just really like this and it's probably my favourite short, so I'm just all over the place and stoked it's been recognized and is coming to life.  I know it's not a large scale production, but it's pretty surreal for me!

Curt

Any hot girls in this?  C'mon, what gives.

If so, Curt better go back and write a few extra saucy scenes

I've yet to see the headshots!  I feel like if I nag the director anymore he'll cut off my balls, lol.

HOWEVER --

He did send me a "selfie" of the girl playing DANIELLE.  Wow.  She is stunning, a really gorgeous girl.  

AND WHAT ELSE IS INTERESTING?

They got a REAL sibling duo to play Cam and Danielle.  Which I thought was awesome!

Curt

We better get a scene of an ass that can be "seen in the moon light."   ala The Cabin.  

I might as well just rewrite the entire short and have every character naked, I'd be making a statement, maybe even start a trend. lol.

We're in the same boat man. lol. I was stuck in 875 hell. Now, I'm stuck in 995 hell. lol.

Gabe

Thanks for the like, Gabe!

I get paid from work in two weeks, I'm not sure if it'll work since I'm not US based, but I do plan to pledge $25 dollars to your kickstarer.  My wage is in £££ thought so I'm not sure how it works, but I'll try.

Curt

Do you want to be Facebook buddies? If so, let me know.

Appreciate but, no worries. It'll be finished by then. Hopefully, it'll get there...somehow.

What's surprising and fascinating are people's obsession with board games over there. And the rules for these board games are crazy. What happened to keeping it simple. And I thought my writing was complicated. lol.  

Gabe  

I sent you a request, Gabe.

ALSO, exclusive first look at the people playing our two leads, Cam and Riley --

Apologies on the quality!  They were fine, then I uploaded them, and the size went bigger so the pictures are much grainy!

Curt

Impressive writing, Ambition.   Seems you may be a fan of Gregg Araki films.  But if I were to be completely honest I'd have to say I have no idea what just happened.  Did they (SPOILER)jump of the bridge?    That's gotta be it.  Right?  Right.

I look forward to seeing the film.  

Quoted from NickSedario Impressive writing, Ambition.   Seems you may be a fan of Gregg Araki films.  But if I were to be completely honest I'd have to say I have no idea what just happened.  Did they (SPOILER)jump of the bridge?    That's gotta be it.  Right?  Right. I look forward to seeing the film.

Thanks Silverback for the read, I've actually only ever seen one Araki film and it was Mysterious Skin starring JGL which I love.  But when writing When It Was Bliss I wasn't thinking about Greg Araki.  I guess it's a good thing it gave off that impression?

SPOILER

I think it was pretty clear that Danielle fell off the bridge from both the V.O in her room with Cam and the scene at the bridge.  I didnt really intend to give the impression she jumped.  I tried to make that clear in the dialogue and her happy personality.  You're actually the only person whom had a problem with understanding what happened to her so far.  Sorry it wasn't clear enough.

And thanks!  I'm excited for filming to begin in 5 days, and also stoked for the finished product.

Curt

Hmm.  Too bad.  That would've made it a lot more poignant, IMO.  You should consider it.  A real WTH?-type ending.

In any event, still good.  I liked this story better than "Need".  

Both my previous shorts dealt with pretty deep, dark issues.  A Perfect Day dealt with suicide.  So I purposefully made Bliss more light-hearted with a lesser dark subject matter.  

Thanks though, appreciate your feedback, you make good points, and yea, I prefer this one to Need also.   Hope you stay tuned with the production!

Curt

I tend to write rather dark too Curt....

Can't wait to see the your film when it's done! Keep us posted!!

D

I only write dark because I have a mystical past and was raised by evil dwarfs who made me steal potatoes for them.

Haha, but really, I just write more serious issues and dark stuff because movies I enjoy are of the same theme.

And I am so excited to see this come to life.  Stoked for on set photos!  The cast is awesome, I've already become close to one of the actresses, she's real cool, and wants to stay in touch.

Kevin, the director of this, also wants to shoot ANOTHER short before he moves to California and he wants to team up with me again, which means another credit for me and another chance to see something of mines come to life!

This feeling is awesome.  I feel so good.  I have never been this content ever.  I sound like a 50 year old whose experienced life, don't I?  Wow I'm annoying.

Curt

Curtis

As with the other shorts I’ve read from you, the writing is technically very accomplished, the read breezed by.

However, like your other stuff I’ve read I felt the narrative needs some work.

“Riley, arms folded, walks up to Cameron’s door.”

- Walking with your arms folded is not really a done thing is it? Would look rather odd, funny though!

While I appreciate you again tackling tough, real life emotions, in this case grief over a lost sibling, I think the execution could be better. Again, you take a very simplistic, linear route in portraying the issue. Thankfully, I‘ve never lost someone as close to me as Danielle seems to her brother so in a way, I don’t truly understand what Cameron is going through but at least on the page here, his recovery happens so quickly at the behest of Riley that I had a hard time buying it.

I realise you are working with a limited number of pages but I wonder is Cameron’s arc that you want to chart too complex and gradual to be fitted into such a short piece? I mean Cam goes from understandably grief stricken, morose and isolated four months after the event to what you imply to be a full recovery based on some rather clichéd sentiments from Riley. And all in 10 pages too, very difficult, for me at least, to fully engage in a story of that nature yet told so briefly and straightforward.

Basically, I didn’t quite believe that Cameron would bounce back as readily as that, Riley should pursue a career in grief counselling if that’s the case, she’s got a gift for it!

But seriously, I do admire you taking on weighty themes and trying to develop a story and characters out of that, and I do appreciate the hopeful conclusion for a bright future and creation of new memories but that narrative device is as common as storytelling itself and we’ve seen this type of thing a million times before. This doesn’t bring anything new to the table and is drawn too cut and dried to pack and punch.

Well done on getting it produced.

Col.