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i could easily see this in an anthology such as "the ABCs of death" but, as it stands alone, it's a really weak story. also, i think it needs a bit of tweaking before being accepted as a proper screenplay.
I completely disagree. IMO, what makes this unique or cool, if anything, is the violence on display. How could this be easily filmed with no budget and no FX? OK, the finger and ear could be done by just not showing much, but the finale with the shower death? No way...no way.
Who said anything about not having a budget or FX? Most films have some kind of budget to work from, don't they? It's not like if a director were to buy the script off this guy, he'd shoot the thing with a camcorder. But, I see what you mean.
What I really meant to say was that I can see someone easily showing interest in the script (if it is cleaned up a bit). But I also think that it wouldn't be too difficult to film.
Prosthetics aren't too expensive (the ear and the finger). And my director buddy has an awesome/cheap recipe for fake blood. He still has gallons leftover from the horror feature he did.
The shower scene could be tricky, but it can be done. If the film were low budget, it would of course force the director to be more creative with his methods (certain camera tricks as opposed to computer FX). But with today's technology and their affordability these days, it's not too far of a reach.
This was a very interesting and entertaining script. The formatting was not hard to handle. I thought this was very cool.
Like others mentioned you can ditch the camera directions. But overall this is pretty good. Remember you won't please everyone. People will hate anything good or bad.
There is no such thing as perfection either. So embrace the good criticism and ignore the bad one. Keep writing and keep your head held high. You will only get stronger has a writer until right situation is ready for you.
IF YOU FIND A PATH WITH NO OBSTACLES, IT PROBABLY DOESN'T LEAD ANYWHERE.
What exactly is 'good' or 'bad' criticism? Criticism itself is about balancing the merits and/or failing of a piece of work. Ignore the negative and you work in ignorance.
When you review someone work remember they are not you. Everyone takes things differently. Point out the good then teach them what went wrong. We all have to go through it.
I understand that the world is harsh but a lot of good talent has been destroyed by people that don't have a filter on their mouth.
To tell a man not to take someone advice is nuts. I want this writer to succeed. Hell I want all to succeed but cutting down a fellow writer without offering he or she any real direction is foolish.
Don't just read someone work. Try to understand their work. If you don't understand it ask them questions. If you just give your opinions with nothing behind it that is empty criticism. Point blank period.
Hey. I actually like this. You've got some very nice turns of phrases here (such as, "salutes a glint and "The carver SCREAMS. So does Grant.") I'm also a fan of e...m....p....t....ies - although that's definitely NOT proper screenwriting structure.
I'll agree with other posters - the format needs to be cleaned up on this. Make sure you're capping sound effects, get rid of passive verbs and camera directions. Sentences could be tightened up a little, too. For instance: after the ear chopping, one sentence could be shortened to - He fashions a kind of white turban out of it. A dark patch grows on the left side.
That aside, I definitely could see this working well as a produced short, and being attractive to a director. And despite the copious blood, I didn't see any of it as gratuitous. It was appropriate to the story and plot.
Kudos and cheers -
J (Wonka)
**BTW - not to blow my own horn at all, but it sorta reminda me a *little* of my killer Smiley Face Button short (Stuck on You.) Same sort of surreal idea - same color, too! But very different hook. And nicely done!
It was interesting to read but in the end it seems to me like an ending to some bigger story. I didn't understand why they were playing this game and what beef the hangman had against the guy. I think this needs to be shown/explained. Also, you say it's a game and it doesn't look like a game - it's just butchering someone to death in the artistic way. Or something.
But I liked the way you spelled "empties" and some of the other stuff you try here. Don't know what I'll see on screen - I suppose letters but that was fun to read.
So, as a fellow writer, I didn't really like this one. The formatting was off, although it was surprisingly easy to read. As a reader, this was entertaining.
Your biggest problem is your formatting, especially your unfilmable action lines. The story is good. It draws you in and makes you want to read on.
I don't really know what you were trying to get out of this script. There's no reveal or plot twist at the end of the script and it's really just a story about some guy buterching himself. Is he schizo? Are the voices real? Is he being forced somehow?
I also really didn't see an aparent theme, which is fine, but considering it's a short horror, I was expecting a bigger payoff at the end.
Overall, as already mentioned, good idea, but exectued somewhat poorly (mostly formatting).
So, downloaded this earlier and read it. Really enjoyed. Iffy on the format and how you presented some of the ideas, and I think this could be even shorter and tightened up.
Nothing new I've said here, since everyone else has pretty much covered. Good luck!
-- Curt
"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."
The formatting was completely wrong but I don't think it needed to be right.
Wasting all the lines with "empties" doesn't really matter in a short that you're planning on filming, but purists will see that as a gross waste of valuable space. In the end it was definitely unique, but not in a good way.
The passive writing, "He is sweating and shaking.", reads better as, "He sweats and shakes." Or better yet, "Sweat drips down his face. His body trembles." It would still only take one line and it has a little more flavor.
Ultimately this is a script about a guy being tormented by a post it note until he slips and hangs himself. Maybe there's more to it than that but I'm not one to look too deeply into torture porn.
Welcome to the boards Dale. Thanks for posting this and joining in the conversation. You'll find an amazing group of characters on here with opinions as varied as flavors of dog shit. Not that I've eaten dog shit, but...I'm just sayin'.
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