Post-It Pain by Dale Saxton - Short, Horror - Do we have the post it notes remind us? ...Or tell us? 8 pages - pdf, format

Hi Dale,

This was okay. Some writing issues - camera directions, 'WE' that empties that spills down the page.

This went on a few pages too long, after the first digit was removed, the reader/audience understands whats going on. The ear, was unecessary. It didn't make the story clearer or show anything more about the character.

To give this more impact, it needs to be shorter IMO.

Kind Regards,

Eoin

Some interesting ideas, and some interesting techiniques (or experiments, maybe) with format -- some are swing-and-a-miss, but I appreciate the effort and see what you are going for.

Also good is starting right in the middle of the action.  Your sense of "enter late" is perfect.

As much as I like it, I do not quite "get it" either, so I guess I could like it better.  Some of the descriptions are confusing, and Grant is clearly shouting at someone (or something) specific, and I do not quite understand that aspect of the story.

Not sure I recognize the name, but hope your are around.  This is a concept that could work well with a little refinement.

Great idea - terrible execution.

OMG I loved this. Easy to read...artsy...and irony at the end. Cute in a bloody sticky note sort of way! Great job imo.

Dale,
Really liked this!  SPOILER.  When I read the word DEAD at the end I couldn't help but smile.  
Of course, your camera angles and direction should be left to a director.  Just give us the story, please.  The Steelers Wheel song reminded me too much of Resovoir Dogs.  And they say never to use copyrighted music, at least not in this stage of your script.
Needs a little clean up, but otherwise enjoyable.  Quick, to the point.  And it made me WANT to finish it 'cause I just had to know how it ended.  Good job.  
Regards,
Steve

Interesting script - great concept.

the camera angles are annoying, easily fixed with some rewording.

you're onto something here.

top stuff

Michael

I agree with the others that this script could be better written.  I also agree that this was a great story.  A Twilight Zone on acid type of thing.  If you fix the writing, tighten things up, I can see filmmakers wanting to produce this.


Phil

WTF?  What did I just read?  I'm not sure.  Actually, I am sure that I have no clue what this is supposed to be about...and obviously, that's the way you wanted it.

Uhhh...the writing is...well...the writing is terrible, IMO.  Technically, very, very poor.  This reads more like a poem or experimental prose of some kind.  Much of this has no place in a screenplay, and for me, it only detracted more from a WTF story.

It appear many like what they read, though, so kudos on that.  For me, I got nothing out of this and don't appreciate graphic violence for the sake of it, and IMO, that's all we really have here.

Hope you chime in and let us on to what your intents here were.

Not much else to say that hasn't already been said.  Very strange format and needs serious work but the story was great, one of the best I've read here for a while actually.

I liked this one a lot.

Fully, fully behind the Reservoir Dogs joke. The idea that who/whatever is responsible for the notes has pop-culture knowledge and would bother to make a Tarantino reference is quite funny.

Nothing wrong with the formatting, for me. More or less reflects the kinetic pace that would be needed to keep this going in a film. The concrete poetry gag with the flesh peeling off his face ("empties" is the word, I think) also works very well for me. The camera angles definitely aren't helping anything, though.

I think Eoin's right to say that this goes on a little long. What's missing here is the possibility of success. As Eoin notes, we understand the rules very quickly, but Grant doesn't try to diverge from the rules at all...he thinks he can beat the notes at their own game, which I think it's obvious that he can't. What will engage more is if Grant finds some loophole/sees some trick/chooses some tactic that makes us think, hey, the post-it noter won't have thought of that...this might save him!

Anyway, I thought this was great fun.

Hey Dale.

Mixed reactions on your writing technique.  Yeah the camera directions should be ditched and there was some excessive detail but not all that bad.

Now onto the story.  I agree with Heretic that there's no real reason why Grant should even toy with the post-it pad or at least none that I can see.  He can either throw it aside and die or he can hack himself to pieces and die regardless.  What does he have to win?  There needs to be some glimmer of hope for Grant, even if it's just him saving one of his pieces like his ring finger which I think would work.  He gets it right, he keeps the appendage, he doesn't, well...you know.

On a side note, it would have been funny to see a new hangman puzzle in Spanish, sorta like a curve ball to Grant if he's been on a roll.  Just seeing a bunch of dashes with a few accent marks over a few of the spaces...sorry, I'm going off the rails.

A back and forth battle is what I'm getting at basically.  More to it then a guy torturing himself.  Still a great idea but there needs to be two sides as opposed to the post-it pad just having it's way with Grant.  Take care.  Enjoyed it overall.

Johnny

I actually thought this was a pretty unique idea. It reminded me of a short that a good friend of mine starred in called "Cutting Moments" (Troma Films).

You took a lot of chances with formatting, and I kinda liked it. Except for that thing you did on page 4 (what the fuck was that?). Though you should probably begin with a FADE IN or an OPEN ON.

The writing can be stronger for sure, though I didn't think it was nearly as horrible as a few comments here mentioned. Just needs to be tightened up. And you can probably do without the camera directions (unless you plan on shooting this yourself).

And some of the commentary in the description can be taken out. It's cool to add personality to the prose, but the way it's written, you may as well have narrated the story using your own voice.

Also a few typos here (should probably capitalize the "G" in Grant on page 5).

Neat idea. Right up my alley. I can see this EASILY being filmed.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k I can see this EASILY being filmed.

I completely disagree.  IMO, what makes this unique or cool, if anything, is the violence on display. How could this be easily filmed with no budget and no FX?  OK, the finger and ear could be done by just not showing much, but the finale with the shower death?  No way...no way.

This one was too original I am no a genius so I don't get it.  I felt that main character  had a schizophrenia or seizure

i could easily see this in an anthology such as "the ABCs of death" but, as it stands alone, it's a really weak story. also, i think it needs a bit of tweaking before being accepted as a proper screenplay.

Quoted Text I completely disagree.  IMO, what makes this unique or cool, if anything, is the violence on display. How could this be easily filmed with no budget and no FX?  OK, the finger and ear could be done by just not showing much, but the finale with the shower death?  No way...no way.

Who said anything about not having a budget or FX? Most films have some kind of budget to work from, don't they? It's not like if a director were to buy the script off this guy, he'd shoot the thing with a camcorder. But, I see what you mean.

What I really meant to say was that I can see someone easily showing interest in the script (if it is cleaned up a bit). But I also think that it wouldn't be too difficult to film.

Prosthetics aren't too expensive (the ear and the finger). And my director buddy has an awesome/cheap recipe for fake blood. He still has gallons leftover from the horror feature he did.

The shower scene could be tricky, but it can be done. If the film were low budget, it would of course force the director to be more creative with his methods (certain camera tricks as opposed to computer FX). But with today's technology and their affordability these days, it's not too far of a reach.

Hi everyone,

Appreciate all the comments on my screenplay. It's nice to see a divide in opinions and also that people sorta get what I was trying to do.

It was frustrating not having people elaborate on execution issues, but I'm completely on board with heretic's suggestion of a chance of success.

This is the first draft so it is a little rough around the edges, I just wanted to hear some other views on it.

I am hopefully going to be shooting this one myself. Unless I get a sweet offer haha.

It seemed some people got the res dogs joke and it breezed past others or didn't hit the spot.

I guess it is just violence for violence sake. I just thought it was funny writing about an evil post it note making a guy kill himself haha.

Thanks,

Dale

Um... Certainly different! Not really my thing. But a clever idea all the same.

This was a very interesting and entertaining script.  The formatting was not hard to handle.  I thought this was very cool.

Like others mentioned you can ditch the camera directions.  But overall this is pretty good.  Remember you won't please everyone.  People will hate anything good or bad.  

There is no such thing as perfection either.  So embrace the good criticism and ignore the bad one.  Keep writing and keep your head held high.  You will only get stronger has a writer until right situation is ready for you.

IF YOU FIND A PATH WITH NO OBSTACLES, IT PROBABLY DOESN'T LEAD ANYWHERE.

FRANK A. CLARK

Quoted from EliteOutlaw So embrace the good criticism and ignore the bad one.

Completely disagree with this advice.

The best feedback you'll ever get may very well be the most negative feedback you get.

It's up to each and every individual writer to listen to what they choose in terms of feedback, but ignoring all that isn't positive is quite foolish.

What exactly is 'good' or 'bad' criticism? Criticism itself is about balancing the merits and/or failing of a piece of work. Ignore the negative and you work in ignorance.

Good criticism is basically pointing out what is wrong and offering suggestions on how to fix it to make it better.

Bad criticism is saying it sucks but don't point out nothing or offer any suggestion on how make the piece better.

Example of good:  Nice story, very interesting, but watch typos and things could be tighten up a bit to help it flow even better.

Example of bad:  I think this is terrible.  I am lost on what is going on.  This sucked.

How did it suck?  Why is it terrible in your opinion?  And how can it be improved?

Its a damn shame I have to really write this out. lol

When you review someone work remember they are not you.  Everyone takes things differently.  Point out the good then teach them what went wrong.  We all have to go through it.

I understand that the world is harsh but a lot of good talent has been destroyed by people that don't have a filter on their mouth.

To tell a man not to take someone advice is nuts.  I want this writer to succeed.  Hell I want all to succeed but cutting down a fellow writer without offering he or she any real direction is foolish.  

Don't just read someone work.  Try to understand their work.  If you don't understand it ask them questions.  If you just give your opinions with nothing behind it that is empty criticism.  Point blank period.

Hey.  I actually like this.  You've got some very nice turns of phrases here (such as, "salutes a glint and "The carver SCREAMS. So does Grant.") I'm also a fan of e...m....p....t....ies - although that's definitely NOT proper screenwriting structure.

I'll agree with other posters - the format needs to be cleaned up on this.  Make sure you're capping sound effects, get rid of passive verbs and camera directions.  Sentences could be tightened up a little, too.  For instance: after the ear chopping, one sentence could be shortened to - He fashions a kind of white turban out of it.  A dark patch grows on the left side.

That aside, I definitely could see this working well as a produced short, and being attractive to a director.  And despite the copious blood, I didn't see any of it as gratuitous.  It was appropriate to the story and plot.

Kudos and cheers -

J (Wonka)

**BTW - not to blow my own horn at all, but it sorta reminda me a *little* of my killer Smiley Face Button short (Stuck on You.)  Same sort of surreal idea - same color, too!  But very different hook.  And nicely done!  

Hi,

It was interesting to read but in the end it seems to me like an ending to some bigger story. I didn't understand why they were playing this game and what beef the hangman had against the guy. I think this needs to be shown/explained.
Also, you say it's a game and it doesn't look like a game - it's just butchering someone to death in the artistic way. Or something.

But I liked the way you spelled "empties" and some of the other stuff you try here. Don't know what I'll see on screen - I suppose letters but that was fun to read.

So, as a fellow writer, I didn't really like this one. The formatting was off, although it was surprisingly easy to read. As a reader, this was entertaining.

Your biggest problem is your formatting, especially your unfilmable action lines. The story is good. It draws you in and makes you want to read on.

I don't really know what you were trying to get out of this script. There's no reveal or plot twist at the end of the script and it's really just  a story about some guy buterching himself. Is he schizo? Are the voices real? Is he being forced somehow?

I also really didn't see an aparent theme, which is fine, but considering it's a short horror, I was expecting a bigger payoff at the end.

Overall, as already mentioned, good idea, but exectued somewhat poorly (mostly formatting).

I wanted to have a little fun with the formatting to engage the reader more, being that my friends tend to be the first to read these.

I pushed for a more engaging writing style, so it would be an easier read.

I've written more traditionally in the past and a certain essence seems to be lost in the flow of the story.

Glad to see people enjoying the read, so it seems my experiment worked out?

I was just wondering if re unfilmables would be pointed out?

Thanks

Dale

So, downloaded this earlier and read it.  Really enjoyed.  Iffy on the format and how you presented some of the ideas, and I think this could be even shorter and tightened up.

Nothing new I've said here, since everyone else has pretty much covered.  Good luck!

-- Curt

This was...interesting.  

The formatting was completely wrong but I don't think it needed to be right.

Wasting all the lines with "empties" doesn't really matter in a short that you're planning on filming, but purists will see that as a gross waste of valuable space.  In the end it was definitely unique, but not in a good way.

The passive writing, "He is sweating and shaking.", reads better as, "He sweats and shakes."  Or better yet, "Sweat drips down his face.  His body trembles."  It would still only take one line and it has a little more flavor.

Ultimately this is a script about a guy being tormented by a post it note until he slips and hangs himself.  Maybe there's more to it than that but I'm not one to look too deeply into torture porn.

Welcome to the boards Dale.  Thanks for posting this and joining in the conversation.  You'll find an amazing group of characters on here with opinions as varied as flavors of dog shit.  Not that I've eaten dog shit, but...I'm just sayin'.

Jordan

Well, with so many people saying that this was interesting, how could I not take a peek to see what it was all about?

Dale, before I go much further, you should probably know that I am absolutely useless when it comes to horror, so some of the opinion that I bring may not be particularly valid. What I will say is as far as original ideas go, I kinda liked it. It was a neat little story, which definitely has some potential. There's something 'odd' about it, which is a major draw-card for me. Good to see other writers thinking out the box.

For me, however, it got incredibly tired and somewhat derivative after a while. It all just felt a little too long to build enough tension. Rather than a fast, action-packed story full of suspense, it sort of falls on its face after a while. Perhaps it's just me, but I felt that something new had to be brought to each post-it note. That would allow for a greater increase in tension, IMHO.

The writing issues have already been addressed. I wouldn't want to beat a dead horse, so I guess I'll leave it at that.

Welcome to the boards, Dale. If you would like me to elaborate on anything I have said, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Cheers,

Dan

https://vimeo.com/m/87981167

Password: Finger

Just to revive this thread a little. I ended up shooting this screenplay originally posted here!

Please don't share this externally as I'm hoping to send it to some festivals.

Thought it'd be nice to share with you guys for the criticism you helped with

Enjoy and lemme know what you think!

-Dale

^^
Great job.

SPOILERS:

I think it's a bit long. You could cut like 4 min of it easy and not lose much. I understand that you use some of the time to build suspense and add atmosphere but after a while it feels like I'm watching the same old thing and not much is happening. It gets a bit dull.

It's nicely directed. Good job on that. I think you could lose the shot in the hallway where we see him through the doorway looking at his hand. That seemed a bit badly acted and didn't come of as real to me. I like the shot itself, through the doorway, that was good. But the motion of him lifting his arm and looking at it come of as bit fake and badly acted.

The end scene with the hand coming out of the tub was OK. The scene written in the script you posted here is difficult to film, so it's understandable why you changed it. I think you could have used some flashing light and some sort of cut when he got into the tub, because as it is it looks a bit fake, him splashing around. It's difficult to make it look real, especially with the budget you must have worked it, so IMO best not show it at all, just hit at it. Maybe a shot of the hand pulling him down - goes into the tub - half a second of him splashing - a shot from above of him lifting his head out of the bloody water, screaming... and cut. Something like that would be more effective IMO.

Finger FX was great.

All in all, a really great effort. Good job man.  

Yeah as said, a little long... Wimped out on showing the ear I feel. I also don't think there was any need for the dialogue. The dialogue ruined it for me a little.

For me the story was about some guy that has just killed his wife, her body is in the bath.. and now he's on a psycho mission to punish himself, which an only end in his own death. The amount of harm he first does to himself shows the level of his guilt in a very visual way.

I liked the camera work and acting was good. I can see this doing well at festivals... it will certainly make an impact. Good luck with it.

One thing I did want to know about is the length. I'll be making my own short soon and we will be placing it into festivals... I thought there was a 10-minute limit at some of them?

Thanks for the feedback guys!

All your points are valid! I do like the length, I wanted to slow things down I allow the audience to breath and think ahead. I've watched it with a few audiences and the slow pace let's peoples imaginations run a little further. That's just my opinion

The other points are spot on, especially about the bath in the last scene. It came down to budget and time constraints as the whole scene was actually shot at night. We didn't have the time to get the shots :/ which is a shame. It's impact is lost a fair bit. But hey, move on to the next film!

We've had great feedback so far and I really do hope it makes an impact at festivals!
Regarding length, the common rule is up to 15 minutes including credits.

We spent about £1250-£1500 on this and shot it in 2 days, it was a great experience.

Dale

Great job man. Read the script, seen the short. You did a good job in switching some key things around from the script to the film. Which I thought only helped in making it that much better. The song you chose to go with in the film is a better fit  than, “Stuck in the middle with you”. It was nice Tarentino reference. Kinda’ synonymous with Dogs, But your new song, word for word was much more creepier.

The acting was good. Actually even more then good. The chopping of the finger looked great. The overall look of it is what surprised me. Shot selection and cinematography were all done very well. It could have been cut down a few minutes.  But still good as it is.

The ending was better filmed than in the script. I liked the idea of it being a ghost,(his girlfriend). The only thing that through me off was…why did he say..” That’s not right” after he realized it was gonna’ spell death. I mean if he’s willing participating in this morbid game with a dead ghost, he must feel a tremendous sense of guilt. Guilt deriving from, him killing his girlfriend.  Basically, he knows he deserves this. Then why is he saying “ That’s not right” as if he feels he doesn’t deserve this. It’s only one line. But that one line actually speaks volumes

But overall I really enjoyed it. Cool a little story. Better than most bullshit I catch myself skipping through on netflix.

--Marcello

Thanks Marcello, very kind words and lovely compliments!

All the dialogue in the final scene was improvised except, "that's not right.".

I originally wrote as a second guess of himself. He doesn't realise what is actually going on until that moment.

It was meant to be a kind of realisation moment. During the edit the way it panned definitely doesn't show him in a hit of realisation... But I enjoyed the performance so I kept it all in as this moment of madness haha.

I'm really really glad you enjoyed it. Really great to here

-Dale

Hey Dale,

I really dug this script. Tongue-in-cheek horror isn't exactly the easiest thing to write, but you really succeeded here. The character is rather dimensionless, but that's okay because the post-it notes are really the star.

I actually read this one twice to get a fully formed opinion. Upon first reading, I thought the character maybe said too much throughout (he's by himself, after all), but after the second read, I think you nailed it. I personally have talked to myself under stress or when I'm upset, so I imagine anyone else would do the same, especially when removing appendages from their body.

I haven't watched the film yet, but I'm looking forward to it and will get back to you when I do.

Keep up the great work! I see this becoming one of my favorites from the site.

Chris