Mark,

Just got back from vaca so I popped this one open.

Nice little tale here. Nothing wrong technically, at least from my untrained eye.

When Jarvis hands the tenth man the money, I don't think you need "he doesn't have a ten."  Just my opinion there.

Kinda felt bad for Kenneth. No real reason to know why he gave money away. I guess we got that answer from Jarvis. And when there's nothing left to feel good about, well then I guess you just...

I always try to look for some meaning in these shorts, something's that lays beneath, but I couldn't really find it. It made me think of Ghandi. I know he went on a hunger strike or two. But as far as I can see just a light, kind story that I totally wasn't expecting. At least not from the writer of Thistles, that is.

Very enjoyable.

Steve

Hey Mark.  (Crap, another Mark on the boards.  The other Mark (Moore) and I will have your nickname ready as soon as we get to know you a little more.  :-)

I appreciate you checking the story out.  Glad you liked it.  And I'm especially glad you focused on the morality of what he was doing was right or wrong.  I'm of the opinion that he had money taken out of his checks when he was working for social security, so it's his money to do what he wants with when he receives it in his later years.  But, I can understand where the other side of the argument is coming from, too.  Had Kenneth not worked all his life when he could, I just might join the other side.

As for him being so emaciated he wouldn't have been able to walk, I just wanted to show how strong he was mentally.  It was only briefly touched upon in the script, but Mr. Kenny did leave the hospital against doctor's orders.

Thanks again for taking the read and letting me know your thoughts, Mark.

I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark

What's up, Johnny?

I love little town stories.  That's probably why I'm such a huge fan of Billy Bob Thornton.  (I just got his biography.  I can't wait to start reading.)  I'd love to listen to some of your friend's tales some time.

Hmm.  I'm a little confused as to how you kept picturing Kenneth much younger.  I guess my description of him nearly being on his deathbed really didn't come through.  I'll have to take a look at that.  And Jarvis is really young, anyway, a little older than a teenager, so I'm glad that came through.  I wanted to show that there is good in the younger generations, no matter how much bad-talk they receive.

Interesting idea to hold back the info of how Kenneth is dealing out the money.  It could be fun to play with.  I went for the straight-forward-tell-it-like-it-is approach just to get to the heart of the story faster.  Especially in a piece where I knew I was going to tell and not show, I wanted to cut straight to the chase.  But what you brought up would be interesting to analyze.

And I was very concerned about being on the nose with this story.  I knew at least some of it would come off like that because the whole story's exposition, but I'm hoping there's a lot of other people out there like me, who love to listen to people tell a story verbally.

Thanks again for taking a look, John.  Can't wait to crack open yours.

- Mark

Hey Steve.

Welcome back.  Hope you had a relaxing time.  D'you go anywhere fun?

Quoted from Steve When Jarvis hands the tenth man the money, I don't think you need "he doesn't have a ten."  Just my opinion there.

You're right.  It is extraneous.  I just wanted to drive home the point that Jarvis was especially looking for a ten in his wallet, to keep in sync with Mr. Kenny.

Quoted from Steve I always try to look for some meaning in these shorts, something's that lays beneath, but I couldn't really find it.

Actually, I think you summed up the meaning of the story pretty well:

Quoted from Steve Kinda felt bad for Kenneth. No real reason to know why he gave money away. I guess we got that answer from Jarvis. And when there's nothing left to feel good about, well then I guess you just...

It might be hard to see, but that sounds pretty meaningful in my eyes.

Quoted from Steve as far as I can see just a light, kind story that I totally wasn't expecting. At least not from the writer of Thistles, that is.

Ha.  Enjoy it now.  I'm not always this calm.  :-)

Thanks for taking a read, Steve.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hmm.  I'm a little confused as to how you kept picturing Kenneth much younger.  I guess my description of him nearly being on his deathbed really didn't come through.  I'll have to take a look at that.

No dude, your good.  That's on my end 100%, you made it clear regarding the age.

Yeah, I can dig it.  The dialogue is the right approach for what you're going for.  I guess if there was too much tug of war going on, it would for sure take away from the read.

Hey Mark, always a pleasure to read your work...

A nice read and a heart warming story...or is it?  I was torn as to the real message hear, is it about a good person who enjoys helping others or about how easily people can be swayed into doing things they wouldn't normally do?

Anywho, it was a real nice story and well written, as always.

Hey Mark

Always glad to have a read of yours.

I haven't looked at 'any' previous comments so that I was 'clean', so here goes.

Plus' and minus'

A nice intriguing story, with a sense of debate thrown in. Should be cheap to film.

One of my principle issues is that who's story is it? If it's Kenny then either he needs to be in it more or less, but not part IMO.

If its Gregory's we could do with a tad more connection. If Jaris then we need to follow him for longer have a sense of a missing direction he feel he needs to have etc

I almost feel it could be his - Jarvis - story more than anybody else's.

The story has a sense of talking heads telling or explaining a story that we don't see much of. That's understandable especially if you are keeping the budget down, but it is worth remembering to stress as much of the visual as possible, show the character changes etc to break this up.

As to Kenny starving I wasn't quite sold on this, but i'm not wholly sure why.  He wants to give, if somewhat random, but now that this has been stopped, he wants to kill himself. One interesting thing would have been if he started to beg. How would those who objected now take this reversal? Which did they prefer? Which is healthier etc?

On balance I have preferred other work of yours but as ever it is an interesting read.

Cheers

Bill

Hey Anthony.

Quoted from Alffy A nice read and a heart warming story...or is it?  I was torn as to the real message hear, is it about a good person who enjoys helping others or about how easily people can be swayed into doing things they wouldn't normally do?

I'll only tell you after you give ten dollars to a random stranger.

:-)  Just kidding.  If I actually did that around the town I live in, I'd just be enabling someone.

It is about all three and even more things.  It's about a good person who helps others.  It's about if a person could do something they wouldn't normally do.  And, like I said, what if that person receiving the money uses it for something negative?  I was hoping to make it clear that Mr. Kenny gave it to people who were even drunk on the bus.  It makes him a hero to the drunkards and druggies as well.

Does that still make him a hero?

That's why, even though I know my heart would be in the right place, I wouldn't give a random stranger ten dollars.  It's probably why a lot of people don't.

It's a touchy subject.  It also delves into the addiction of giving.  (Probably not much different from the addiction of plastic surgery.)  How much is too much?

Thank you for having a read of it, Anthony.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- Mark

Hey Bill.

Quoted from reef A nice intriguing story, with a sense of debate thrown in. Should be cheap to film.

I've had Kenneth's story in my head for quite some time now, and wanted to show it instead of tell it.  But I think showing his actions would only fit a music video.  There'd be WAY too many cuts and time lapses to get the gist of what he was doing, at least in a short film.  Telling it would not only be easier and cheap to film, but probably the best way to get his actions across in only one scene, without losing much of the power.

Plus, I'm now able to bring in the DEBATE.  If I only showed Mr. Kenny's actions, I'd feel like I was shoving goodness and kindness down people's throats without what negatives it entails, because the main character is only showing one side of the story.

Quoted from Reef One of my principle issues is that who's story is it? If it's Kenny then either he needs to be in it more or less, but not part IMO. If its Gregory's we could do with a tad more connection. If Jaris then we need to follow him for longer have a sense of a missing direction he feel he needs to have etc

But, not going the route of having a main focused character, I can tell the story from several different perspectives, rather than just one or two.

It'll take away from people liking the hero, but there's not a clear-cut hero here.  Just regular people trying to figure out what's good or bad, and realizing there might not be an answer.

Quoted from reef One interesting thing would have been if he started to beg. How would those who objected now take this reversal? Which did they prefer? Which is healthier etc?

That is a brilliant suggestion, and I'm a little pissed I didn't come up with it and explore it.  I definitely will, because I think that'll add a layer that's missing to the overall enjoyment to this kind of tale.

Quoted from reef On balance I have preferred other work of yours but as ever it is an interesting read.

I agree with you here.  But like I said, I had the story in my head for quite a while now, and I wanted to explore and see where it took me.  You definitely gave me something to come back to this story again.

- Mark

How's it goin', Mark?

As a Mark Lyons fan, I had to check this one out.

Opening this one up, I noticed after Kenneth's scene that you intro'ed quite a few people off the bat.  I did have to check back to see who was who but only a few times.  I suggest that you delay Sarah's intro for a bit (Sarah and Susan got mixed up in this as well).  You have a bit of dialogue from Sarah then nothing until page five.  "Susan(or Sarah) listens closely"- that's where I'd intro her.

I know that technically, when a character is seen on screen, you intro them but I think that this could work as well.  That's just me.

This was geared a lot toward dialogue but the subtle lines of action kept this read dynamic and fluid so kudos for that.

So after reading the story, I did like the simple tale and the back and forth debate between Gregory and Rosalie but something did feel like it was missing.  I think it may be that in spite of Kenneth's story and the tension surrounding it, I kept looking back a Jarvis for some reason.  He doesn't know Kenneth but it seems after he learned of his story and him giving away ten dollar bills for no reason, he decided to pick up the torch.

You included the inkling of this with his "seven" remark but I would have liked to have seen it started a bit sooner.  Perhaps him whispering or mouthing inaudible words as people pass during Gregory and Rosalie argument.  To me, Jarvis already made his decision as he put on his headphones and started counting the passing pedestrians so I would add a few glances at him as the story progresses.

Well I've rambled on enough.  I liked the story and it was fun to read.  A lot of sound and fury as Jarvis simply counts, haha.  Take care.

Johnny

A few notes as I go:

• Pg. 1 SARAH BAILEY turns into "Susan" on page 2.
  

You did a good job of getting your point across without sounding too preachy.  

The voices sounded too similar and unnatural at times but overall it was well done.

The name Jarvis sounds a little off for a 20 year old guy.

Conclusion:  A nice story about people and their opinion of what's "right".

Jordan

Hey Mark,

You've really been cracking out these shorts recently.

This one "does exactly what it says on the tin" as the saying goes but there is a nice message embedded at the end with Jarvis willing handing out his own good will. Also a good debate about whether Kenneth was right to be handing out the money - kinda like a twisted Robin Hood story, he was given money by the filthy rich (Yes - the damn government! ) and gave it back to the people.

We don't learn much about Kenneth himself and why he strives to help others, but I believe he was a lonely man and doing this good deed not only gave him enjoyment but also helped with his said loneliness, hence being around people on the bus. When this is taken away from him, he decides to commit suicide by starving himself - not sure if I agree with his tactics or whether I find it believable but still a nice story on the goodness of people.

I guess my problem with this one was the way it unfolded, in which I mean we're told the story rather than seeing it which results in two talking heads and a lot of dialogue (which I thought was being separated by superfluous action until the end) and that for me made this quite a tame story I'm afraid.

I was also surprised that the writing was a little clumsy in places, especially having read some of your previous work. Was there supposed to be a Susan at the bus stop? I think that should have been Sarah but was she and her daughter necessary?

A nice tale but it was rather bland. On the bright side, this should be easy to produce.

Best of luck with it.

Steve

Mark,

How's it going, man? How's the back? All recovered now, I hope?

I've had a busy few weeks, with travelling, trying to complete my Masters thesis as well as producing my short and so, unfortunately, I haven't been able to read any of the previous comments... So I apologise if my review is merely identical to what others have written!

First off, I saw this floating around in the portal for a little while, but only decided to read it when I knew it had been penned by you, because I was not a fan of the title. I know the title sums up Kenneth perfectly, but there wasn't something about it that I wasn't a huge fan of... sorry for being vague!

Ok, so onto the script itself. I really enjoyed this. What I love about your writing style is that you weave these great stories from 'everyday' kind of guys/ events. What I loved about this one was how you created the air of mystery from the set-off; I wanted to continue reading to find out who Kenneth was.

One thing I might suggest is that when Gregory is telling Jarvis the story of Kenneth, maybe intersperse this with some visuals of the events he is talking about? Screenwriting is a visual medium, and I think it might make this more appealing to a future director; as he won't simple be placing his camera in front of a bus stop and filming people talk for nine pages. Might be cool to have Gregory and Rosalie debating Kenneth's actions whilst we see him carrying them out?

I liked how you concluded this one as well. As soon as Jarvis said "seven", I knew where this was going and smiled to myself. Nice little message about how good deeds can influence further good (well, that's how I read it, anyway).

I did spot one typo whilst reading:

Page 2- "A couple people wait..." should that be "a couple of"?

Great stuff as always, man.

Hope you're physically well.

Toby.

Hey John.

Sorry it took a couple days to get back to you.

It's tough to open a script with a group of people, and even harder for the reader to get a clear picture of who's who right off the bat.  The only thing I can hope for, especially in a short, is that by the end, the characters stand apart from each other.

Thanks for the compliments.  I know there's very little action, but I thought there was enough that it got the story across.  Not only would filming Kenny on the bus doing this over and over be painstaking, but it might also be a bit boring to watch.

Thanks for taking the time to read, Johnny.

- Mark

Hey Jordan.

Thanks for checking the story out.

Wow.  Good catch on the 'Sarah' and 'Susan' thing.  I honestly can't think for one moment why I would've introduced her as Sarah.  She was Susan ever since square one when I sat down and wrote this.  Even in my hand-written notes.  Lol.  I'm honestly at a loss for words.

Thanks for your thoughts on it.  I know it has its blemishes.  Hopefully I'll be able to iron things over and make it pop a little more.

- Mark