What's up, Steve?

Yeah, I have been banging some shorts out, huh?  This'll probably be the last one for a while.  I'm working on some features I really want to get finished.

I like your comparison of a twisted Robin Hood tale.

I don't know if it's straight suicide, though.  He's just trying to bring attention to something that he feels shouldn't have been taken away.  I guess one could argue he's a cry baby and won't stop until he gets what he wants.  I tried to bring in a little something about him being a martyr, but it just didn't seem to work.

I guess I was a little clumsy in this one, huh.  A couple more hiccups here and there.  This was one that even though I had the story in my head for a LONG time, I wrote it out in a short time and never really looked at it again properly.  I should.

Thanks for your thoughts and honesty, Steve.  I'm glad it worked for the most part.

- Mark

Hey Toby.

The back's doing good.  For the most part, recovered.  I'm back to my regular workout now (minus the sit-ups still), and I still don't trust myself at a full sprint, but the jogging's going good.

I hope your thesis went over well.  (As I hope your short does, too.)

Lol.  I think I'm notorious now for people not liking my titles.  Which is funny, because I love all my titles, and I'll probably never change them.

I had this story in my head for a while now, and I always liked not knowing Kenny that well.  His mystery.  Even though I've tried telling the story from his angle before, I kind of always knew I'd be telling it through somebody else's eyes just so all the details don't have to be there.

I've actually thought about using flashbacks to show Mr. Kenny counting the people get on the bus, but thought it would get in the way of the flow of Jarvis counting the people who walk by.  Seeing somebody count the people going by I thought would enforce Mr. Kenny's actions naturally in their mind.  (Whether they knew of the people walking by in the background or not.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts on this one, Toby.  And I hope you had fun travelling as well.

Hey Mark,

I read this awhile ago, but only got some time to comment recently.

Pg. 1 You should probably note Jarvis’ work clothes in his introduction.

Pg. 8 “Gregory Just blows him off” This seems like a harsher description then what I think you intended.

So I just learned that “busses” is a correct spelling, albeit the lesser used one.

Would disability really be cut off because the government doesn’t agree with the way the money’s being used? This may seem like a small suspension of disbelief problem, but if the parameters of this debate aren’t realistic, the discussion can only have so much impact.

Pg. 9 “He doesn’t have a ten.” Can’t really be shown.
Maybe have the Man say “What’s this for?” before Jarvis walks away. In my head I imagined a longer distance. One that would require shouting.

Pg. 10 Your last line doesn’t have enough ‘finality’ for me. Maybe have the bus doors close and drive off?

The number of character’s introduced up front made me pause a couple of times. Not really a big deal, but Susan and her Daughter weren’t that import to the piece and their appearance could be delayed a bit to ease us into the characters.

I like what you did with Jarvis counting the people throughout the script. I missed it the first time, but I really appreciate stories that have elements that would enrich a second reading or viewing.

Now if the point of this is a feel good, family friendly type story about giving, this pretty much does the trick. If however, this is intended to be more serious and thought provoking, there may be some missed avenues for Gregory and Rosalie’s debate to go down.

For starters, if Kenneth isn’t working and only survives by living at a shelter, then the taxpayers definitely picked up the tab on that hospital visit. As a matter of fact, everyday he spent eating and sleeping at the mission, he was essentially living off the charity of others. You start adding this up and it looks like Kenneth has received about as much charity as he’s given. Does this set his ‘karma meter’ at an even zero? Or is there something intangible about the act of giving that goes beyond just the money.

It seems as though you tried to position Jarvis taking a middle-ground sort of position. He says he’ll only give when he can, for now. But I think it might be more effective if he could find his way to the realization that gifts of one’s time, knowledge, or empathy can be just as powerful as the gift of simple money.

Some may not like the talking head aspect, but it didn’t bother me much. I was interested in the conversation and got past it easily. I really like that you’re taking on serious issues here and It’s nice to see something that stimulates the ‘social awareness’ part of my brain, but in its current form this just scratches the surface for me. On the upside there’s a lot of room for this to grow.

Good luck with it,

Eric

What the hell is this crap?  Where is the sadistic streak?  Where is the misogyny?  The hopelessness?  I do not read your stuff for puppy dogs and rainbows, I can tell you that.

I was going to bust your chops about the number of characters here until I got what you were going for.  You still might consider having them wander up one by one, as a less forgiving reader might read this early mass-introduction as a rookie mistake and sign out at page one.

The story proceeds in an interesting fashion from there, and while the back and forth dialogue between the passengers is interesting, it may run a little long.

Near the end, I think it would be nice if Jarvis were to give the money to a child or teen instead of a random adult.  Looking back, I do not see much for Sarah and her daughter to do.  Why not have Sarah holding a baby, then have your number 10 be some kid with a backpack?  Just a thought, anyway.

Is this drawn from something that you read about?  Something that actually happened?  It really has that sort of a feel to it.  Something everyday and real -- and I point that out as a strength here, not a weakness.

For a piece that is driven primarily by dialogue, at least its heart is in the right place.  While it is probably no surprise that I prefer your darker stuff, it is good to show that you can work with something a bit more palatable to a broader audience.

I would not be surprised at all if this short were to generate some interest from a filmmaker looking for something inexpensive and accessible.  

Hey Eric.

Sorry I'm a little late replying to this one.

Quoted from EWall Would disability really be cut off because the government doesn’t agree with the way the money’s being used? This may seem like a small suspension of disbelief problem, but if the parameters of this debate aren’t realistic, the discussion can only have so much impact

I can't remember where I came across it, but there are instances where it has been cut off when the government found out it was all going to church tithes.

And yeah, I understand what you mean about the 'finality' of the ending.  It's a little bit of a fizzler.  I'm sure there is more room to expand on it, (I agree with you, I just barely scratched the surface), but I wanted to put this out there and hopefully get a quick little film out of it, and if it makes people think and attracts some attention and a budget, I could see expanding this one.)

Thanks again for checking it out.

- Mark

Quoted from bert What the hell is this crap?  Where is the sadistic streak?  Where is the misogyny?  The hopelessness?  I do not read your stuff for puppy dogs and rainbows, I can tell you that.

Oh, it's coming.  A couple more weeks.  :-)  You won't be disappointed.

Quoted from bert Is this drawn from something that you read about?  Something that actually happened?  It really has that sort of a feel to it.  Something everyday and real -- and I point that out as a strength here, not a weakness.

No, it's not based on anything that really happened.  (As far as I know about, anyway.)  I was just riding the bus one day and Kenneth's story just sort of popped into my head.  I sat on it for a year or two, and then in May, after I broke my back and was denied disability, (I was also denied before when I wasn't allowed to work because of heart surgery), Kenneth's story sort of popped into my head again and I wrote this real quick to get it out of my system.

Thanks for checking it out, Bert.  Sorry it doesn't have the darkness of my usual stuff, but like I said, you won't be disappointed in the next couple things to come, if you find the time to check them out.

- Mark