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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Soda Machine - Clubhouse Horror Anthology Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Soda Machine - Clubhouse Horror Anthology  (currently 7644 views)
Don
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Soda Machine by Michael J Kospiah (spesh2k) - Short, Horror - A man's mission to get his dollar back from a soda machine takes a turn for the worse... - pdf, format


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Reel-truth
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey spesh2k

I decided to give this a read, I was in the mood for a good horror short. You blended some comedy into it, which I liked. It give your story a little more spice, giving the setting was taken place in a laundromat.

As for the story.....to be honest, I'm not sure what I think about it.  Midway through I thought I figured out what was going to happen to Johnson.

He was shaking the vending machine at one point...and I'm just thinking....Yep he's getting crushed. But you did a good job of throwing that idea out the window...lol



SPOILERS:
      
       Johnson
Who the fuck brings an axe to a
fucking laundromat?

I laughed at this one. And I noticed you probably added it in while writing... thinking to yourself," The reader will probably pick up on the this...let me just have Johnson say it out loud" And the fact that you had comedy sprinkled through, made that line work for me.

Now as for your ending....like I said, you definitely through the obvious out the window. And you went to a whole different place entirely..lol Which I can appreciate. I like a story taking me in an entirely new direction.

But...u went to a place where men are fucking vending machines...lol I could buy the old crazy man getting down with a vending machine, he's crazy, probably thinks its his wife. But the moment you had Johnson do it....it just didn't quite work for me.

I thought the old man was crazy for talking to the soda machine...but then after he's killed...Johnson talks and listens the soda machine too....How? and why?

Like I said, I was with you all the way until....shit I'll even reach to the extent of Johnson shoving the old man's penis into the machine. But then I would have to buy the fact that he can communicate with it as well...but the moment he dropped his pants...you lost me.

Overall I did like it. You write good. Just that ending man...lol If shock was what you were going for....you nailed it...lol


Reel-truth





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stevemiles
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Michael,

ĎWho the fuck brings an axe to a fucking laundromat?!í Nice.

Twisted. Very twisted -- yet at the same time funny and engaging.  I think itís hard to pull this type of thing off, kind of a fine line but the humour here kept the shock value in check.

I think you mentioned somewhere this was picked up? Canít remember for sure, makes me wonder what the rating for a severed penis would be...  

Typo on p.1 Ď...dead of flickering.í

Anyways, I took it at face value and enjoyed the read, certainly not what I was expecting. I fear Iíll never look at a vending machine the same way again.  

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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LC
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Michael, I like stuff that's out there but am undecided about this.

SPOILERS BELOW:

I really like the set-up, we've all been there - the frustration and injustice of a stupid machine taking our money and the surly uncooperative jerk (no pun intended  ) behind the counter, but this just didn't go the route I thought it might and so I was left a little unsatisfied.   Sorry...couldn't resist another 'unintended' pun - I'll stop now.

One thing that bothered me was 'Johnson' - (apt name btw) being able to seemingly carry on a conversation through all of this after just having his hand lopped off - and not putting the torniquet on until after all of the action. I know it's horror and 'suspension of disbelief' and a horror anthology dictates plenty of blood, but...

There are some nice touches of humour in this, you write well, your characters are easily pictured, dialogue is smooth etc. but when thinking about this filmed I have to wonder if the overall audience consensus might be to groan. Then again, is this planned as a web-series? It might become a cult hit given I presume what might well be your youngish male demographic. I was just hoping for a different kind of 'story' I suppose. And, I suppose it also depends how this story fits in and contrasts with the others.

Speaking of which, I'm really interested in what other variation of scripts comprise this anthology. Will you be posting more?

Libby


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spesh2k
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, thanks for reading.

To answer your question Steven (Miles), I was somehow able to get a producer and director for this "segment" of a collaborative project, a horror anthology called "Root of All Evil" -- it's 10 tales, all revolving around a $1 bill. In the tradition of films like VHS/VHS 2, ABC's of Death... though I like to describe it as "Coffee and Cigarettes" if it were a horror anthology. Low to micro-budget.

In fact, "The Soda Machine" is probably the highest budget segment in the whole anthology.

I have several writers on board and have 6 directors involved -- the goal is to have a different director for each tale. The only tales that connect are the bookends (the opening segment and the end segment).

Still in the process of getting the other "tales" from the other writers I have on board. But the idea of the anthology only came about 3 weeks ago, so the fact that I was able to get producers/directors/writers involved from all over the world was encouraging.

So far, two of the tales are already in pre-production -- The Soda Machine will be filmed in Australia. The other tale in pre-production is "Tooth for a Tooth" which will be shot in England -- I posted that one on here months ago and think it's still here on the boards. Of course, I rewrote that one to fit the theme better, though I didn't have to change much. Production was delayed on "Tooth", partly due to its inclusion intot he anthology.

As for "The Soda Machine", one of the producers works for an FX company that specializes in prosthetics for horror films... we'll see how they bring it to life. No easy task. But I feel good about it.

LC - I may post more, though I'd have to get the other writers' permission. I wrote four of the tales and am helping smooth out some of the others. But on the most part, I got together some of the best writers I know, a lot of them repped by some highly touted agencies and management companies. Very talented writers, indeed.

What made me want to make this a collaborative was the idea of mixing contrasting writing styles, contrasting stories, and contrasting visions from each director.

Not all tales are shock and schlock like this one... this one, I guess, is the "weird" one... kinda going for Cronenberg kinda stuff with this one. But the tales vary in tone and style, only sharing the same theme.

As for comments on "The Soda Machine":

Yeah, I was seeing how far I can take this w/ out being too predictable. At first the story was about a soda machine being haunted by the ghost of a girl that the owner of the laudromat had murdered -- it just felt too predictable and safe.

So, I went the Cronenberg route...

As for Johnson not putting a tourniquet on sooner... him fucking the machine was kind of strange impulse kinda thing... my thinking was that, if a guy is weird enough to fuck a soda machine, then he's weird enough to fuck the machine first and then put a tourniquet over his hand. Also, after the halfway point, this is pretty much told in real time... which makes the final sequence only about 3-4 minutes long. So, after getting your hand chopped off, you gotta think about priorities... sure, getting a tourniquet on that stump would be important, but to find an opportunity to do that, you gotta kill the guy who chopped off your hand first. After that, then tourniquet... but... he's right there next to the machine... wouldn't play well cinematically if he left to put a tourniquet on, then returned to the machine... so he gets his hand back from the machine, then does what the machine wants... then some weird, impulsive thing happens... he fucks the machine. Found the visual to be better if he was fucking this thing with an uncovered, bloody stump where his hand used to be.

Then, I thought about what if Johson's penis got stuck in? But, I thought that would be too predictable at this point, so I kept this ending.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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LC
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Good stuff. Looking forward to reading more if you post them. Btw, I didn't get around to posting feedback at the time, but really enjoyed 'Tooth for a Tooth'.

Good luck with this, look forward to seeing the final product.

P.S. Yep, re the tourniquet, I thought about this shortly after posting. It wouldn't be much fun or much of a 'horror' without all that blood flying around.


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Leegion
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was... disturbing... I can't really say anything else, normally I'm all for a review after reading something, but I might be wrapping my head around this for a while.

There was humour, horror and gore... along with a creepy old Liver-Spot dude pelvic thrusting a soda machine...?

In the words of a wise man:  I'd buy that for a dollar.  In this case, no SODA MACHINE is ever getting my dollar (or British pound) EVER again, lol.

Nice job, Michael.  This was a rather odd tale, one of the strangest I've read in a while.  Dialogue was excellent btw, but I'm never gonna look at a vending machine the same way again.
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spesh2k
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Steven - "I fear Iíll never look at a vending machine the same way again."

Lee - "Dialogue was excellent BTW, but I'm never gonna look at a vending machine the same way again."

Thanks guys. Exactly what I was going for. I tried doing for soda machines what "Requiem for a Dream" did for refrigerators and double-sided dildos.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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spesh2k
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Facebook page BTW. Lots more work to do, including locking down the remainder of the segments and locking down the rest of our directors (I'm heavy into talks with several right now)... but w/ two of the segments in pre production, things are moving along very well, great momentum thus far...

https://www.facebook.com/RootofAllEvilHorrorAnthology?notif_t=page_new_likes


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Leegion
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Looking interesting, Michael.  I quite like things like the Twilight Zone, you know, small stories condensed into a sole presentation, so the Root of All Evil Anthology seems to be something I might check out.

Looking forward to seeing how Pelvic Thrust plays its part in it, lol.
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spesh2k
Posted: September 14th, 2013, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Lee, hopefully it gets people talking. We're aiming (realistically) at VOD/straight to DVD rental... shock may be considered cheap and schlocky, but we need to take chances to ramp up "appeal"... and I think with "The Soda Machine" as well as our other tales, we're on the right track with our target audience... hopefully, it gets people talking.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Guest
Posted: September 15th, 2013, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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It better get people talking.

Glad to see one of the shorts up on here.

This is truly an 'out there' kind of story haha
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SteveUK
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Hey Michael,

I'd say this is more of a surreal comedy with horror elements than a straight horror, and it certainly made me chuckle a few times. You really went all out with the perverted gore - In fact it's the kind of scene I'd expect to find in a Troma or Frank Henenlotter film, so kudos on that!

The only thing that bugged me has already been mentioned by a couple of others - Johnson's reaction to being attacked with an axe.

I don't think he would say "Who the fuck brings an axe to a fucking laundromat?!" right after he's just had his hand chopped off. He'd most likely be rolling round on the floor, screaming in pain. Might be better to have him say this right before the chopping.

In fact, Johnson doesn't seem particularly fazed at all by the fact that he's just been mutilated. He's more bothered about seeing the old man's butt than the fact he's actually bleeding to death. I'd at least have him writhing in agony a little, then maybe using his belt as a tourniquet before making his move for the axe.

You've definitely got a talent for writing. The dialogue was good, as was your perverted creativity. This wasn't at all what I was expecting when I started reading and I have to say I was both pleasantly and disgustedly surprised!
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Toby_E
Posted: September 17th, 2013, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Michael,

You twisted fuck!

Horror is one of my least favourite genres, because I am a such a bad ass that nothing scares me... All kidding aside, there have been the occasional horror which I have enjoyed, but normally I am left unfulfilled by their common nihilistic endings.

However, I loved this short. Why? Well, because dark comedy is one of my favourite genres of films and this, my friend, most definitely had its dark comedy moments! I was really glad that you went down the surreal, over-the-top violence and story route with this horror, as opposed to the classic teenagers running through a wood route which too many horrors seem to rely on.

I knew I was in for a treat from the moment the old dude was caught servicing himself to the appliance magazine, as I gathered that this was going down the fucked up, dark comedy route and prepared myself for an enjoyable read.

For the most part, the dialogue was great. I have, however, listed a few minor gripes that I had:

Page 6- I wasn't a huge of this line spoken by Johnson: "Is this one of them fucking joke shows? If it is, it ainít fucking funny!" It just seemed a little too obvious, you know? I've read scripts/ watched films where characters have said similar "am I being Punk'd?" lines. The rest of the script feels so unique. I'd ditch this line of dialogue for something which fits the rest of the script.

Johnson: "Who the fuck brings an axe to a fucking laundromat?!" This line made me chuckle, but I found Johnson's reaction to the whole event to be a tad too unbelievable. I know you are purposely going for an over-the-top script, but this crossed the line too far, in my opinion. I love this line though, so I'd definitely say keep it. Just maybe have Johnson say it earlier? Like, when the old dude is advancing on him with the axe?

Page 10- I feel that you missed a great opportunity with Johnson's final line of dialogue for a clever pun/ play on words, more related to what actually happened in the laundromat. Because I feel that "I got held up at the laundromat" is too much of an ordinary line for this different, twisted story to end on.

The only other suggestion I would make would be to have Johnson care more about getting his soda. Because he seems to be more annoyed about not having a dollar for the dryer, as opposed to getting a soda, but yet still fucks the machine with the old guy's dick? No way would I do that for a soda I didn't really care about! Or, maybe the machine tells him she will refund his dollar, if he pleasures her, or something like that.

But yeah, solid stuff. One quick question: What was stuck in the vending machine, which Johnson said he could feel? At first, I thought it would be the old guy's penis, and Johnson would pull his hand out in horror. But obviously, that wasn't the case, as the old dude's penis was most definitely still intact.

I am really looking forward to seeing the end product for this anthology. One recommendation I would make, in regards to the actual filming, is for you to ensure that all the directors use the same camera and lenses to film their segments on, as this will allow the shorts to feel like a piece of a bigger anthology, as opposed to a bunch of unrelated shorts. Linked to this, I would also recommend that the directors do not color grade their footage, and instead one person color grades everything, for the same reason.

All the best,

Toby.


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spesh2k
Posted: September 17th, 2013, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey SteveUK, thanks a bunch for reading!


Quoted Text
I'd say this is more of a surreal comedy with horror elements than a straight horror, and it certainly made me chuckle a few times. You really went all out with the perverted gore - In fact it's the kind of scene I'd expect to find in a Troma or Frank Henenlotter film, so kudos on that!


Thanks, man! Love Troma, though I'm still sour that they turned down my application to be an intern back in my college days.


Quoted Text
I don't think he would say "Who the f*** brings an axe to a F**king laundromat?!" right after he's just had his hand chopped off. He'd most likely be rolling round on the floor, screaming in pain. Might be better to have him say this right before the chopping.


I saw a friend of mine get stabbed once (whilee in my car -- long story)... I looked down and saw his calf muscle hanging off and he said "Who the fuck stabs someone in their fucking calf?!"... I realize a severed hand is probably way more painful, though it was pretty disgusting to see in person. As for the script, he was on the floor screaming in pain. Just one line of action followed by the line of dialogue.


Quoted Text
In fact, Johnson doesn't seem particularly fazed at all by the fact that he's just been mutilated. He's more bothered about seeing the old man's butt than the fact he's actually bleeding to death. I'd at least have him writhing in agony a little, then maybe using his belt as a tourniquet before making his move for the axe.


Well, I do have him screaming on the floor in pain -- I think sheer agony is how I describe it. Then Old Man drops his pants... there's a reaction shot followed by "What kinda shit?" He then sees an opportunity to sneak up on Old Man.

As for going for a tourniquet, just didn't feel smooth in terms of a script... it would have been one of those typical moments when the audience is like "Why isn't he killing the guy who chopped off his hand? Why is he spending time putting on a tourniquet whilst the main threat to him is alive and well?" It's a laundromat, a small setting, not many places to hide. Plus his hand is still in the machine as well.

He sees an opportunity to take out the guy who took his hand and might possibly kill him. First things first... end the threat... then fix yourself up. BUT... a weird thing happens. The fucking of the soda machine was a strange impulsive kinda thing.


Quoted Text
You've definitely got a talent for writing. The dialogue was good, as was your perverted creativity. This wasn't at all what I was expecting when I started reading and I have to say I was both pleasantly and disgustedly surprised!


Thanks man, really appreciate it.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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