Liked the writing, the pace, the way it appeared to be put together etc; though it well written TBH - just wondering where you go with something like this? Are you saying that there is a logic to it or that it really doesn't make all add up? That's kind of like a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces don't add up to a complete picture.

Thanks.

There is a logic to it.

The pieces can add up. Different people see different things and come to differing conclusions. I wanted to write something that didn't hit you over the head with the plot every few seconds. There's a bit too much of that about these days.

It's ambiguous in parts but I still think it can add up. There's nothing much extra in there, apart from maybe a squirrel. It has a clear ending. It's just not clear who did what. I like that.

I was just trying to write something I hadn't seen and might be good.

R

Quoted from rendevous I'm still spaced out by your avatar of Billy Zen, I mean Zane. A shame the nirvana stuff didn't save his career. Alas, he's up there with Christian Slater and Val Kilmer. In stuff that goes straight to DVD and then promptly straight into the bargain bin.

I love me some Zane, I must admit. He fires on all cylinders when his ego is front and center, Titanic and Demon Knight are the first that come to mind. Hell, I even got 2 Twitter replies back from him and all I had to do was tell him I enjoyed his role in Demon Knight. Lame, I know.

Quoted from rendevous Thanks very much for the review. It all sounds about right. Although late evening might be a better time to read. I may try and expand the thing again some time. With some luck it may work. Or maybe it should be with some work it may get lucky.

Between my multiple jobs, the early morning is about the only time I get. If reviewed at night, my words would probably be punctuated by a little bit of Scotch and I can't be faulted for the type of review that comes out of me then haha.

I do look forward to your next offering, though!

Hi Ren,

It was a good read in my opinion.
I'm all about leaving a question or a mystery to the end of a story. That's what gets people talking, I could name numerous films that have done so, but this will only bore you.

Could you clear this up for me? Is Samantha the daughter or the sister? I'm sure the script didn't mention her being related?

Regards

Lee

The peace line

I had a few minutes at work to read today so I figured I better start repaying some debt here.

I don't remember if I've read this one before. Something seemed familiar, but I can't remember. I read a lot so that has no meaning as far as the quality of your script goes.

The really good thing with your script is that it kept me turning the pages, or more accurately scrolling to the next pages. You created mystery and intrigue. Well done on that. The writing was fine. It was an easy breezy read.

Story wise it left me a bit confused. As I understood the story, Caroline is either Samantha's mother or older sister or someone other really really close. Samantha has cancer and the bills are stacking up. Maybe this meant to that she can't pay for her treatments? And if she can't, she will die. Caroline then offers her own life to help save Samantha. I wasn't real clear on exactly how. Life insurance? That was my thought at least. What kept me intrigued, but also confused me in the end was Joseph and his people. I didn't quite get why they were following in the van with surveillance equipment and why Joseph had to drag Caroline into the woods and then shove her out and then the facial masks. I wished some of these things would've been made a little more clear, but other than that, I think you did a great job. Maybe you should write action/thrillers?  

Pia  

I read some of the comments, but not all of them, so excuse me if I've repeated others.

I thought it was going to be about Caroline getting back to those who put Samantha in the hospital in the first place... but that's not what happened.

It was written well, but there weren't a lot of answers. I agree that it could be a great opening to a feature.

Since it revolves around Samantha, I assumed we'd see more of her.

At least in the states, the patients don't receive the bills until after treatment. I don't know why Samantha had them near the bed, unless Caroline brought them. But why would she worry her daughter more than she needs to?

It seems to me that you don't know what your story is really about. Your logline doesn't suit this script properly, either.

Thanks to all for the reads and comments.

Quoted from ABennettWriter It seems to me that you don't know what your story is really about. Your logline doesn't suit this script properly, either.

That's a bit strong, isn't it? Do I owe you money or something?

I think I do know what my story's about - seven pages or so. And, I've said in the past, it can be viewed many ways, depending on the reader's point of view.

As an example you assume the invoices are medical bills and they are hers. But the script doesn't say that. It just says they are invoices. And they could have been there for some time.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Since it revolves around Samantha, I assumed we'd see more of her.

You've also assumed it revolves around Samantha. Sorry, that sounds like a smartarse comment. Not my intention. But the point I was making is - it isn't necessarily so. There could be other reasons.

I could give a rundown of who's connected to who and how. And what exactly is happening. But that's not the idea. Each brings their own ideas and interpretations to it.

R

Lee

Thanks for the kind comments. Obviously you're a man of wise and fine taste.

You're right - it doesn't mention if they're related. I could state if they are or not. Or she could be a cousin, or niece. Or ex lover. But stating would take the mystery out of it. Think of it this way - if you knew for sure, would it make it a better story, or a worse one?

Angry Bear

You may have read it before. It was up quite some time ago for a while.

Thanks for the comments on the writing. I do like to think it is one of my better efforts.

All valid theories you have there. There's also the business of these people on the VO watching Joseph. Who the hell are they?

Maybe I should write action thrillers. God knows I've tried. Well, it's easy enough starting them.

Now, back to having another go at finishing Liberties.

Tailbest

I probably should have answered when you wrote but I couldn't think of much of substance to add. Instead I'll have a look to see how Dorff and his bluetip are and what you've done to the poor lad this time.

R

You seem like a dick.

Quoted from ABennettWriter You seem like a dick.

Oh dear. Mum, is that you?

Ren

The writing is solid from a technical perspective so I won’t dwell on that.

However I am curious about the story and you’re intentions with it.

My interpretation is that Samantha is the daughter of Caroline but not Paul. Considering the age gap between the latter two, maybe Samantha is Caroline’s daughter from a previous marriage. It looks like they are wealthy but perhaps it’s all Paul’s money and he isn’t willing to pay for the necessary treatment for Samantha since she is not his kid.

Out of desperation, Caroline sets up a meeting with Joseph and co. (an assassin corp. that’s known to authorities it seems!) orders a hit on her and Paul (to deflect any suspicion off her I imagine) so that Samantha will be bequeathed the inheritance to pay for her own treatment or whatever she needs done to get better.

I could, and probably am, way off here but interested to hear your explanation.

Regards

Col.

Col,

Sorry for taking so long to respond. I wrote one and thought I posted it. It's just as well I'm not a doctor or nuclear technician.

As I've said to a few others I'm none too keen on tying this down to one clear and simple explanation. There's certain facts that can't be denied, even by the likes of me being as obtuse and obscure as I can.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 maybe Samantha is Caroline’s daughter from a previous marriage.

Now, there's an idea. They visit her in hospital and offer help. They have to be close, or related. Or both. So they're not just neighbours or those friends who wave at each other in the street. But I'm still fond of the idea that we're never sure. The same goes for the rest of the story. I'm fond of the idea that after reading it you're left wondering and puzzling as to what and why.

When I first wrote this I wanted to write something that could be viewed numerous ways. I realise my responses may annoy some. However, I also think my idea and script are good, so I'm sticking to my guns.

One day, if I have more money than sense (it's been said to me this shouldn't be too difficult to achieve) I'll make this, or get someone with skill to do so.

I hope that helps Col, although reading it back, it probably hasn't.

R

You don't need money to make a short film. You just need the drive.

Like-minded people that already have equipment can be sought out. The negative production costs of the short film we just produced was £500. Usually the editing alone would come in at a few grand. We also shot in a nightclub with over twenty extras. Actors I chauffeured myself and we home-cooked them food.

You'll really be surprised what you can pull off if you've got the drive to do it.

Quoted from Dustin   You just need the drive.

But my house doesn't have one. Next door's does. Do you think I could borrow it? If only they'd talk to me. They keep telling me to get off their lawn. I did mention 'All property is theft.' Then they started throwing sticks and stones. I thought this is my moment to tell them that they may hurt my bones. The fuckers finished me off by beating me and calling me a wanker.

Quoted from Dustin The negative production costs of the short film we just produced was £500.

500 quid? I have not 500 pence. I thought you said you don't need money. I don't even have a drive. Did I mention the neighbours. Oh, yeah. I've already done that bit.

Quoted from Dustin You'll really be surprised what you can pull off if you've got the drive to do it.

Hang on, I've done this bit.

Seriously, you have a point. I doubt my cooking would inspire an actor good enough for an advert, never mind a short film. And my driving skills and sense of direction are not too sharp either. And no darling, I'm not asking the strange man in the long coat for directions.

It can be done. At this stage I think I'd rather leave it to someone who's done stuff and got the contacts and crew and the money. Maybe things will change. Maybe the neighbours will lighten up. I'll start by staying off their lawn. For a while.

R

That's fine, you're taking the David Lynch vow of silence.

Interesting approach actually, leaving so open like that.

Maybe there is a feature based on this somewhere in your (creative) pipeline...