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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Face in the Crowd Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Face in the Crowd  (currently 3808 views)
Don
Posted: June 22nd, 2014, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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A Face in the Crowd by Anthony Cawood - Short, Thriller - A man who works with secrets discovers a dark shadow is dogging his every step. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Don  -  March 13th, 2017, 12:16pm
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TonyDionisio
Posted: June 22nd, 2014, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ant,

I'm kinda confused. The Staring Man has powers to watch a watcher? He also has powers to pull people into his own reality? But to what reason? I can see the creepiness to the message.

Page 1,
Derin's first intro should be all CAPS.
The images are on the computer monitor, correct? You should clarify and not in the scene itself.

Page 2,
I don't care for the description "dressed smartly" Hard to visual smart clothes. Not to be sarcastic but is there a "dressed dumbly"  too?

Page 8,
I think you are missing a comma before mate in a dialog.

Is Darin dead?

Gl,

Tony
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 23rd, 2014, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Hi Tony

Many thanks for the read, appreciated.

Staring Man is intentionally enigmatic and left without an explanation, the short is meant to be a social commentary, mixed with a horror element, on Snowden
/Wikileaks and the prevalance of cameras and hidden observation in today's society. Kinda those spied upon turning the tables.

Derin in CAPS - schoolboy, not sure how I let that slip through.
'Dressed smartly' had always assumed this was a universal saying, clearly it's UK specific. It means to dress conservatively, normally implies suit and tie... but no, no dressed dumbly as far as I know
Comma, thanks good spot.

Derin's fate, well he might be, he might just be stuck in the twilight zone, again enigmatic on purpose.

Thanks again

Anthony





Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Athenian
Posted: June 23rd, 2014, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony,

This is interesting and has a Black Mirror feel to it. The truth is, I'd prefer the Staring Man to have been only in Derin's mind, as a result of his obsession with him (the only "unmatched" person in the crowd). Also, what if Derin also felt guilty for his involvement in this Big Brother thing and feared the consequences of his potential uncovering? That probably could explain his paranoia and strengthen the psychological element of the story.

Another well-written short from you. Thanks for sharing.

Manolis




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Dark Shape
Posted: June 23rd, 2014, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thought this was quite clever. Enjoyed the ambiguity and it essentially being a circle.

That said, I feel like the script's voice is a little too detached -- you could milk the creep factor of the Staring Man a tiny bit more. Also felt the dialogue was a bit basic but that's hardly a major issue. This is far more about what we see than what we hear.
Also...

"Jeez, you made me jump." -  Wouldn't Jaedon have seen him jump? I think it'd be a little more natural just for Derin to let out a "jeez" by itself.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 23rd, 2014, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Manolis/Dark

Many thanks for the reads, really appreciated.

Manolis - Black Mirror hadn't occured to me, but think there's an element of it in there somewhere. Did originally think about a dream aspect to it, but that sort of filtered itself out, and now I think it works well at a visual level. Do like the idea of amping up his paranoia though so will have a look at weaving some more of that in.

Dark - You're right about the dialogue, I've tried to keep it very minimal and rely on the visual aspects. 'Jeez' bit hmm not sure will have a ponder on that.

Glad you both liked the short.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 24th, 2014, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony

Interesting idea here with surrealistic overtones...rather unsettling too. However, at eight pages it feels like the incubation of a concept, a set up but nothing more…intriguing nonetheless though.

It descended into cliché at times in terms of the interactions (or non-interactions) Derin has with the Watching Man. I mean, how many times have we seen the reflection-in-the-mirror-only-to-turn-around-to-nobody scene or the tapping-on-the-shoulder-of-supposed-person-you-are-looking-for-only-to-reveal-its-somebody-else scene? I’ll answer that, way too many times.

I liked how Watching Man stares out from the TV, it’s weird and unnerving but I wonder can you come up with more original ways to convey his ghostly presence around Derin while leaving the interpretation open whether the latter is actually losing his mind or not.

DERIN
What? Oh, sorry, I was sure you
were someone else.

- This line typifies what I’m talking about, If you done a script search using this line, google would probably breakdown with the amount of results yielded!

I like the man just appearing at the end and essentially swapping places with Derin, inexplicable but chilling regardless.

I wonder what you are trying to say here, if anything? Is it a criticism of the increasing nanny state mentality of the developed world, the invasion of privacy/intrusiveness of governmental organisations and the diminishing effect it has on civil liberties. Is this a wishful scenario whereby the watcher becomes the watched, gets thrown into the front-line, away from the insular comforts of their cushy offices? In other words, a taste of their own medicine

I would be interested to hear your intentions.

Col.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 24th, 2014, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Col and any thanks for the read.

Weird, unsettling, chilling and unnerving were definitely what I was going for so glad they all came through.

I'm not happy with the reflection in the mirror either, thanks for confirming my gut feel - will look to revise this and other ways for how his presence is seen/felt.

'Someone else' line, fair shout, I will re-look at.

What I am trying to say is, well a number of things
1) We are watched, observed or filmed constantly in western society.
2) Some of that is by those who are there to protect us, but the lines have become blurred.
3) The social conscience shown by Wikileaks, Snowden etc is facilitated (to a degree) by the very technology that creates the issues in the first place.
4) That social conscience, via FB, Twitter etc is starting to be used against those observing/protecting us.
5) So on a metaphorical level Staring Man may win eventually.

That's what I was going for anyway, how much is there in a relatively short short I'm not sure but hopefully some of all the above is visible.

Thanks again for the great comments and questions.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 25th, 2014, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood


What I am trying to say is, well a number of things
1) We are watched, observed or filmed constantly in western society.
2) Some of that is by those who are there to protect us, but the lines have become blurred.
3) The social conscience shown by Wikileaks, Snowden etc is facilitated (to a degree) by the very technology that creates the issues in the first place.
4) That social conscience, via FB, Twitter etc is starting to be used against those observing/protecting us.
5) So on a metaphorical level Staring Man may win eventually.

Anthony


- Cool, that's all relevant and important stuff to tackle, very interesting too, although I'm not so sure on point 4 and 5. I'd like to think so too but with social media I feel the “watchers” have been given another viable tool to monitor us, they are using it as oppose to us using it against them.

Although, on the other hand, global communication among the common rabble, the "prole" if you will, is more prevalent than ever and is set to increase which has its positives and negatives.

Alternative opinions, point of views and ideas get exchanged and you'd like to think we are more enlightened as to what’s going on around us in a general sense but I dunno, every time we seem to be making progress in the right direction, increasing transparency, etc, something happens to knock us back and its often self inflicted whether its reluctance, fear or willful ignorance...Anyway, interesting work.

Col.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 26th, 2014, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Col

And I'm an optimist, so I hope 4 and 5 become more of a reality... though I accepth they may not ;-(

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 31st, 2014, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all for your feedback on Face in the Crowd.

I included much of it in a new draft... that has just been announced as taking 3rd Place in Reel Writers Screenwriting contest.

http://www.reelwriterscontest.com/winners.html

The help and support of the writers on SS is really appreciated.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Don
Posted: August 31st, 2014, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Thanks to all for your feedback on Face in the Crowd.

I included much of it in a new draft... that has just been announced as taking 3rd Place in Reel Writers Screenwriting contest.

http://www.reelwriterscontest.com/winners.html

The help and support of the writers on SS is really appreciated.


W00t!


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
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Colkurtz8
Posted: August 31st, 2014, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Congratulations, Anthony!


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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 31st, 2014, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Grats Ant!

Great to heat indeed.

Tony
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DS
Posted: August 31st, 2014, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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That's great. Congratulations!

- DS
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