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I found it well written for the most part. There are some areas where I think changes are needed:
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EXT. CITY PARK, TRAIL - DAY
You have several scene headings that have commas rather than hyphens when you go from the general to the specific location. These should be changed. For example, in the above, you should use a hyphen, rather than a comma between PARK and TRAIL. Several instances of this issue.
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Her cane gently taps on the pavement, on the side of the bench, touches the bike.
I would change this to: She gently taps her cane on the pavement, on the side of the bench, touches the bike.
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Trevor’s fingers squeeze the tire.
This should be: Trevor squeezes the tire with his fingers.
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Rachel’s hand reaches over and feels the frame of the bike,
This should be:
Rachel’s reaches over and feels the frame of the bike
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They part their ways.
You don't need the "their"
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FLASHBACK
RACHEL’S DAD, covered in bandages. He can barely move his mouth. RACHEL’S DAD Promise me Rachel. Promise me you will walk.
You may be missing a scene heading here. e.g., INT: HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
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Unable to move in her bed, Rachel shifts her empty eyes, devastated. She utters moans.
You don't need "in her bed" - you already have her placed here. I don't know what "utters moans" mean - quiet moan?
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RACHEL (V.O.) He asked me to forgive that man who’s rear ended our truck... I still work on this one.
Think it should be the man - not that man and you have a typo (who's).
In terms of the story - I liked it but think it needs a twist. How about making Trevor the son of the man who crashed his car into Rachel and her Dad? Just a thought.
Rachel's reaches over and feels the frame of the bike
I doubt that.
I'm all for criticism.
Except all that stuff that bloke down the road who looks like Father Christmas after a nervous breakdown says about me. I didn't do anything to that lamppost.
Admittedly I did wake up in his rose bushes. And yes, they'll never be the same again. Neither will my left cheek, no, not that one.
But it definitely wasn't me who threw that meat pie at his bathroom window. I would have cooked it first. The fact they had cut off my electricity at the time is mere coincidence.
Throwing frozen meat pies at old men on the toilet isn't my style. I'm more a steak and kidney type. Oh. Wrong board. I thought I was on the erm. Never mind. Anyways...
Referring to the earlier quote, you have to be careful when correcting. Otherwise it looks silly at best. Like my pink shoes.
Not sure if Olga is about. That's something I've never said before. Either way I'll plod on with my thoughts. About the script I mean. You really don't want to know about the other stuff. At least I don't think so.
On second thoughts I won't. Perhaps Olga will let us know she's about. After my opening gambit she may not want my thoughts. Which would be understandable.
If she is standing away from the bike, then it goes without saying that she will need to reach for it.
That would work even better. What wouldn't work IMO is - Rachel's hand feels the bike frame (the original format of the action line). i.e., the hand, rather than Rachel, was initiating hte action.
Referring to the earlier quote, you have to be careful when correcting. Otherwise it looks silly at best. Like my pink shoes.
All due respect, but I think your premise is junk.
So here's my deal. If I am giving someone a free read, I am not providing a warranty on the technical accuracy of my criticism (as a note- in this case, I still believe that this particular suggestion was dead on correct, other than Dustin subsequently made a even better suggestion). I am assuming that those who read comments on scripts accept them within the framework of, regardless of whether they are right or wrong, they are offered in good faith. The author of the script has the ability to accept or reject them. If you really wish for a paradigm where you want those who review to be concerned about "looking silly" - you're going to lose a lot of reviewers.
P.S. pink shoes are fine as long as they match the outfit.
Oh, and all that being said - I definitely over reacted to Rendevous's post.
That's alright. You're not alone in this. Unlike me last night as I searched the woods for my other shoe.
It's a bit of a pity author Olga hasn't joined in. The discussion I mean, I wouldn't expect her to help search the woods. It might be a bit much to ask. Only if she insists. It's a pink leather size 9. Stripey yellow laces, obviously.
Some comments should be in Braille. Read with care
This is a simple tale meant to tug at the reader's heartstrings. You toss in a flashback and a flash forward and the good guy gives back the money. It works as far as it goes, but the dialogue is a bit too on the nose for me. Dad makes his death bed request and she uses that as a reason to strive. It just seems a bit much