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I Can See A Hair by Julian Hudson - Short, Comedy - Two friends have a confusing conversation about one of them seeing a hair on his own face. 6 pages - pdf, format
Both of these are free. It will make reading and writing your screenplays a whole lot easier and fix formatting - footers are not necessary btw and with the software your title and author details will be on a separate title page.
In the same vein as Abbott and Costello's 'Who's On First' your story works pretty well.
I got a few chuckles from it and the 'curly' line was a good one.
What I would like to see at the end is Miles reach across the table and pluck that hair off Dave's face, or better still, perhaps the WAITRESS (having overhead this whole long-winded conversation) could do it. That'd be a nice turn around.
Good choice that you made this guys instead of girls too.
Before I get into your story, I need to address formatting issues. First, I suggest you use a title page rather than having your title and copyright info in a header. It just makes it cleaner and more professional. Second, your software uses a non-standard font, spacing, margins, etc. This will get a script tossed without a read. Third, don't number your scenes. That is not our job, but the director and his/her folks. Fourth, your parentheticals are way too long. As written, they should be in the action. Typically, a parenthetical is short, such as:
MARTIN (thick accent) Blah. Blah. Blah.
Fifth, your descriptions are not clear and concise enough to get the feel of the atmosphere. For example: EXT. A BUSY CAFÉ – DAY
General shot of the café, with customers entering and leaving through the front door.
Recommend something along the lines of: EXT. CAFÉ – DAY
Crowded greasy spoon type of place with stereotypical decor, staff, and patrons who come and go with easy familiarity.
Using wording that evokes images from the reader's personal experience gives the scene more of a realistic feel and a connection.
Now, as for the story... I missed the point as the two men seemed to simply expound on the person's hair in an exchange similar to the Abbot and Costello "Who's on first?" routine. What is the conflict and its resolution?
I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions or something I have mentioned is unclear, please don't hesitate post or PM me.
Welcome to the community. Interesting topic and you did good creating conflict. Previous mentions sum it all up and ofcourse, lose the contact info at the bottom of each page, it only serves to slow down the read. Actually, you sandwiched the contact info inbetween a dialog block and page break. Use a CON'T here.
Download that software - I have it on good authority, Trelby is good, and look to the View Portal and Recent Posts - bottom left of the discussion page to see what's current and comment on other scripts. You'll get lots of reviews in return that way and lots of tips re your writing.
Not certain if this reply hits all you guys at same time - have to admit I've found the "reply" function a little confusing. I wanted to reply individually to you, but couldn't see how. Not only am new to writing but to such discussion boards.
Anyway, thanks again for following up on my short as well as the advice and the welcome. I'm re-writing the short incorporating all tips. And I've downloaded Celtx to try out (the short you all read I did manually) - so thanks, LC. I've also changed the ending - will re-post later if anyone is interested - no worries if you'd be over it though.
I'll also be reading and reviewing others' work as I go.
Julian, Look forward to seeing what you do with the changed ending and posting it in Celtx/PDF. When you post it to Don let him know it's a rewrite of your original.
Also if you want to reply to individual's feedback you can click on the button that says 'quote' (top right of their post) and either quote the entire passage, or just a few lines by deleting some of that member's text. It can be a bit tricky at first but you'll get the hang of it.
{quote=LC}your script is very good, blah, blah, blah {/quote}
I used { instead of [ otherwise it would convert it to quotable text.
[quote=LC]Julian, Look forward to seeing what you do with the changed ending and posting it in Celtx/PDF. When you post it to Don let him know it's a rewrite of your original.
Also if you want to reply to individual's feedback you can click on the button that says 'quote' (top right of their post) and either quote the entire passage, or just a few lines by deleting some of that member's text. It can be a bit tricky at first but you'll get the hang of it.
at the end of my text you're quoting, and you've done it. Oh by the way you can EDIT your post by clicking right hand side Modify button - use FULL EDIT most times instead of EASY EDIT or you can get garbled text.
Oops, almost forgot, you can Preview your reply in the full edit version as well to see how your reply will look.
at the end of my text you're quoting, and you've done it. Oh by the way you can EDIT your post by clicking right hand side Modify button - use FULL EDIT most times instead of EASY EDIT or you can get garbled text.
Oops, almost forgot, you can Preview your reply in the full edit version as well to see how your reply will look.
Two small thoughts. I think we only learn one of their names, Dave's, on page two (and in the closing line). If we know one, we should know both, and on a side note, I think it's better if we know neither. (To my ear, "Dave" is also an unfunny name, but that's just me.)
Also, I bumped at the acknowledgements of frustration on page three ("Why is this so difficult?" "You're just confusing things..." etc). I think that if the characters acknowledge they're being ridiculous, it kinda kills the comedy. Certainly it felt like it killed the momentum here.
Two small thoughts. I think we only learn one of their names, Dave's, on page two (and in the closing line). If we know one, we should know both, and on a side note, I think it's better if we know neither. (To my ear, "Dave" is also an unfunny name, but that's just me.)
Also, I bumped at the acknowledgements of frustration on page three ("Why is this so difficult?" "You're just confusing things..." etc). I think that if the characters acknowledge they're being ridiculous, it kinda kills the comedy. Certainly it felt like it killed the momentum here.
Welcome to Simply!
Chris
Hi Chris
Thanks for reading and the tips. I agree with you about the characters saying too much - in this case I "told" rather than "showed". Not sure about having names - but this is food for thought.
Both of these are free. It will make reading and writing your screenplays a whole lot easier and fix formatting - footers are not necessary btw and with the software your title and author details will be on a separate title page.
In the same vein as Abbott and Costello's 'Who's On First' your story works pretty well.
I got a few chuckles from it and the 'curly' line was a good one.
What I would like to see at the end is Miles reach across the table and pluck that hair off Dave's face, or better still, perhaps the WAITRESS (having overhead this whole long-winded conversation) could do it. That'd be a nice turn around.
Good choice that you made this guys instead of girls too.
I wanted to let you know that Celtx doesn't download anything anymore. All you do is sign in, create an account, and everything is now written on site. If you use a smartphone or some other device, they have an app.
If you have a group of people that you want to be in a project, they can all join and you can give them access.
So, no more software downloads, and no worrying if your computer is compatible with the software for Celtx.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I won't cover what everyone else has told you. I've read most of the reviews on here and what they said is 10000000000000% correct. listen to them!!
Oh, I forgot, welcome to the site. I hope you make friends and use the site. It is filled with lots of amazing people and resources. And libby Actually, Libby is super smart and nice and she totally doesn't have a gun pressed to my head right now. I say that of my own free will. Really.
Seriously, she's a great person and my screenplays wouldn't be half as good without her help. She and the rest of the people here are super awesome!
Here goes: Good luck
1. Oh god, another Aussie? We already have one of those, I'm looking at you LIBBY!!!
I included the emoticon this time
2. I see the 2 names, Miles and Dave. You don't have to say Miles' friend, if they are sitting together not fighting, they are probably buddies.
4. It's just like everyone said, an Abott and Costello or 3 stooges, not the band, the guys, er, not the guys in the band, the guys who are the guys, that's not to say that the guys in the band aren't guys, they are guys, but, that they are a different set of guys.
Of course none of that makes sense if you don't know about the band the stooges...
I'm too old. Someone take me out back and shoot me. I'm sure I can be turned into jello. Oh, wait, that won't work...
What am I good for again? Guys? Anyone? It's quiet in here.
Anyways, it was funny and I hope you join Celtx. I'm a member and I have written 4 screenplays with it. It's a good program.
Good luck And I do agree the waitress should just come over and pluck that hair from his face, and then they could argue about how rude she was...
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I wanted to let you know that Celtx doesn't download anything anymore. All you do is sign in, create an account, and everything is now written on site. If you use a smartphone or some other device, they have an app.
If you have a group of people that you want to be in a project, they can all join and you can give them access.
So, no more software downloads, and no worrying if your computer is compatible with the software for Celtx.
Download Trelby, then. Sounds like Celtx is only good for collaborations is that right, Dan, or am I misconstruing? Shawn swears by it, Trelby, I mean, you can work offline with it and I think he also said you can copy and paste from another format directly into it with no hassle and convert to PDF etc. So, maybe get onto downloading that one, Julian.
Thanks for the info Dan, and for your kind words. Hmm, gotta get more bullets for that gun - shooting blanks at the moment. Cheque's in the mail btw.
I wanted to let you know that Celtx doesn't download anything anymore. All you do is sign in, create an account, and everything is now written on site. If you use a smartphone or some other device, they have an app.
If you have a group of people that you want to be in a project, they can all join and you can give them access.
So, no more software downloads, and no worrying if your computer is compatible with the software for Celtx.
I'm gonna read the story now.
Dan
Hi Dan
Thanks for the message - so far I've not any issues with Celtx, thankfully.
I'm gonna respond to both Libby and Julian at the same time.
Celtx doesn't have anything to load. You go to their website, join, and then you can start writing. that's it. You can write from any computer.
Now, they do have apps for smart phones and other devices like that in that they get you to the site so that you can work on your project.
So, it's good. I use it all the time. By keeping all the software on site, that allows everyone to use it, regardless of their computer or operating system. I really like it. and it's free.
So, I hope that makes it clearer for everyone. You go to the site and start writing. You can add people to your group and give them the ability to make notes, adjustments etc.
Libby, you shoot blanks. I'm not even sure what to say.... (think about it)
However, since i don't want you to get real bullets, I will stop here. (psss, guys, she's violent)...
Just kidding Libby. You're a lot of fun. Good sense of humor and good writer and a better person!!
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I liked the short, it was fun. Although, I think some build-up would be good. You jump in quickly and end it rather quickly too. The result imo is that as a stand-alone short this feels kind of empty. Instead of cutting straight into the action, maybe show them arriving/sitting around a bit, show the earlier part of the conversation? Keep us guessing what's going to happen, add momentum to the absurdity of the conversation suddenly going downhill.
Program-wise, if you're into writing on the cloud, it might be worth taking a look at the free version of WriterDuet as well. It seems to be gaining quite a bit of popularity.
I'm also in the Trelby camp. You can write offline with it and the UI is super comfortable. The only downside is that development stopped a few years ago. It's also missing some things that usually always come with the usual free package such as dual dialogue and underlining/bolding or using italics on selected words. In Trelby you can only underline and bold the full line. But yeah, Trelby can do all the useful converting (word/pdf/final draft/celtx/fountain) and it certainly isn't a bad program.
Haven't read all of the previous comments, but I'm sure formatting was brought up (isn't in courier font, etc). I suggest ponying up some cash and getting Final Draft but I hear Celtx and Trelby are fine. And free.
Some may have also mentioned your scene numbers -- you may want to get rid of those unless your producing or directing yourself. Some producers may have you number the scenes eventually, but better just to keep them off.
The dialogue was fun (kind of a play on the who's on first bit) but the conversation doesn't really go anywhere. Now, that may be why the conversation is humorous, but there really is no payoff here. It's just two characters with no distinctive personality traits (they may as well be the same person) jabbering back and forth over a hair that may or may not be on Dave's face (it's never shown, we are told that there is a hair on his face via dialogue).
Though the dialogue/conversation is humorous, the actual writing isn't very strong.
Quoted Text
EXT. A BUSY CAFE – DAY General shot of the café, with customers entering and leaving through the front door.
No need to say "A" BUSY CAFE in the slug, can just be BUSY CAFE. I would do something different with the slug... maybe an actual name of the cafe. Also, some redundancy here... by setting up the scene with a slug line, you already imply that this is a "general shot" of the cafe"... no need to mention general shot.
You should also CAP characters, even bit characters, when intro'd.
EXT. CAFE - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
CUSTOMERS continuously enter and leave, the place hopping.
I would give a brief description of the cafe, just a sentence.
Quoted Text
INT. THE CAFÉ – DAY
MILES, casually dressed, mid 30s with stylish clothing and hairstyle is sitting at a table. DAVE, MILES’ friend, casually dressed, mid 30s with a somewhat messy, un-kept head of hair sits opposite MILES.
WAITRESS hurriedly brings the friends their respective coffee orders, placing them down in front of them before fleeting off.
The two friends appear relaxed and begin to chat, sipping their coffee.
Numerous issues here. First off, the slug line. If we're inside the same cafe that you did an exterior shot of the previous slug, the slug line has to be the same with the only difference being EXT. and INT. You say EXT. A BUSY CAFE and then cut to INT. THE CAFE.
Should be EXT. A BUSY CAFE and INT. A BUSY CAFE.
And there's no need to mention DAY again in the slug again. Just say CONTINUOUS or omit the time of day completely as we assume that it's the same day from EXT. to INT.
You should also give a brief description of the inside of the cafe.
Quoted Text
MILES, casually dressed, mid 30s with stylish clothing and hairstyle is sitting at a table. DAVE, MILES’ friend, casually dressed, mid 30s with a somewhat messy, un-kept head of hair sits opposite MILES.
This is worded poorly. Is Miles dressed casually or stylishly? Stylish casual wear? Also, no need to mention "Dave's friend"... only way for a viewing audience to know that it's Dave's friend is by SEEING IT.
MILES, mid 30s, stylish clothes and hair, sits at a table across from DAVE, mid 30s, his hair messy, clothing wrinkled.
Or something like that. No need to say "is sitting".
Quoted Text
WAITRESS hurriedly brings the friends their respective coffee orders, placing them down in front of them before fleeting off.
I would actually start this scene off with WAITRESS bringing them their coffee, taking US, the audience, to the table along with the coffee.
INT. BUSY CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Every table occupied, a cacophony of scattered conversation, light background music and kitchen noise fills the room.
A MIDDLE-AGED WAITRESS carries two cups of coffee to a --
CORNER BOOTH (this is a mini slug... we're already INT. no need to mention INT. again)
MILES, mid 30s, stylish clothes and hair, sits across from DAVE, mid 30s, his hair messy, clothing wrinkled.
Quoted Text
The two friends appear relaxed and begin to chat, sipping their coffee.
No need to mention that they are friends. We get that they are familiar with each other because they are sitting at the same table. And we find out that they're friends through their banter.
And you don't need to say "begin to chat"... when the dialogue starts, that's when we hear them begin to chat. Besides, this sounds like we're meeting them mid conversation because you start the dialogue with ellipses (...).
I know I mentioned having the WAITRESS take us to the table as she takes the coffee to their table but I would try to get right into the conversation by starting off with a VO in the establishing shot that carries over to the INT. shot.
EXT. BUSY CAFE - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
CUSTOMERS continuously enter and leave, the place hopping.
DAVE (V.O.) …anyway, as I was driving over to meet you I noticed this little hair on my face.
INT. BUSY CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Every table occupied, a cacophony of scattered conversation, kitchen noise and light background music fills the room.
A MIDDLE-AGED WAITRESS drops off two cups of coffee to a --
CORNER BOOTH
DAVE, mid 30s, dressed sloppily, messy hair, points to his cheekbone.
DAVE You see it? I know it’s only little, but I noticed it from the corner of your eye while I was driving. It really bugged me. Still is.
MILES, mid 30s, stylish clothes and hair, observes from across the table, slightly perplexed.
MILES Right…don’t you mean you noticed it from the corner of your eye?
Overall, the strength is clearly the dialogue, but the characters seem to be pretty much the same exact person, no distinctive traits other than one is dressed nice and clean cut, the other sloppy with messy hair. There really is no set-up or payoff, either. Even the conversation itself never reaches a conclusion... doesn't exactly need to end wrapped up in a neat little package, but there should be some kind of punchline here.
Outside of the dialogue, the actual writing really needs work (as I've mentioned). Practice makes perfect, though... keep reading other screenplays and keep learning!
I won't cover what everyone else has told you. I've read most of the reviews on here and what they said is 10000000000000% correct. listen to them!!
Oh, I forgot, welcome to the site. I hope you make friends and use the site. It is filled with lots of amazing people and resources. And libby Actually, Libby is super smart and nice and she totally doesn't have a gun pressed to my head right now. I say that of my own free will. Really.
Seriously, she's a great person and my screenplays wouldn't be half as good without her help. She and the rest of the people here are super awesome!
Here goes: Good luck
1. Oh god, another Aussie? We already have one of those, I'm looking at you LIBBY!!!
I included the emoticon this time
2. I see the 2 names, Miles and Dave. You don't have to say Miles' friend, if they are sitting together not fighting, they are probably buddies.
4. It's just like everyone said, an Abott and Costello or 3 stooges, not the band, the guys, er, not the guys in the band, the guys who are the guys, that's not to say that the guys in the band aren't guys, they are guys, but, that they are a different set of guys.
Of course none of that makes sense if you don't know about the band the stooges...
I'm too old. Someone take me out back and shoot me. I'm sure I can be turned into jello. Oh, wait, that won't work...
What am I good for again? Guys? Anyone? It's quiet in here.
Anyways, it was funny and I hope you join Celtx. I'm a member and I have written 4 screenplays with it. It's a good program.
Good luck And I do agree the waitress should just come over and pluck that hair from his face, and then they could argue about how rude she was...
Dan
Hi Dan
Thanks for the info and tips. That makes sense about referring to the 2 guys as friends. I'm still to re-write my piece. So far, Celtx has been ok.
Good to get such feedback from you and everyone else. I look forward to reading others' work as well.
Download Trelby, then. Sounds like Celtx is only good for collaborations is that right, Dan, or am I misconstruing? Shawn swears by it, Trelby, I mean, you can work offline with it and I think he also said you can copy and paste from another format directly into it with no hassle and convert to PDF etc. So, maybe get onto downloading that one, Julian.
Thanks for the info Dan, and for your kind words. Hmm, gotta get more bullets for that gun - shooting blanks at the moment. Cheque's in the mail btw.
I liked the short, it was fun. Although, I think some build-up would be good. You jump in quickly and end it rather quickly too. The result imo is that as a stand-alone short this feels kind of empty. Instead of cutting straight into the action, maybe show them arriving/sitting around a bit, show the earlier part of the conversation? Keep us guessing what's going to happen, add momentum to the absurdity of the conversation suddenly going downhill.
Program-wise, if you're into writing on the cloud, it might be worth taking a look at the free version of WriterDuet as well. It seems to be gaining quite a bit of popularity.
I'm also in the Trelby camp. You can write offline with it and the UI is super comfortable. The only downside is that development stopped a few years ago. It's also missing some things that usually always come with the usual free package such as dual dialogue and underlining/bolding or using italics on selected words. In Trelby you can only underline and bold the full line. But yeah, Trelby can do all the useful converting (word/pdf/final draft/celtx/fountain) and it certainly isn't a bad program.
Hi DS
Thanks for the feedback and the welcome. Still checking out programs - looking at Trelby now. Good tips about the way I have started and ended - maybe needs re-thinking.
Regarding names, just wanted to make sure I was clear -- we learn both their names in the script, but the viewer only learns one (Dave's), as it's the only one that appears in dialogue.
Regarding names, just wanted to make sure I was clear -- we learn both their names in the script, but the viewer only learns one (Dave's), as it's the only one that appears in dialogue.
You're right, Chris. Thanks for pointing this out.
Haven't read all of the previous comments, but I'm sure formatting was brought up (isn't in courier font, etc). I suggest ponying up some cash and getting Final Draft but I hear Celtx and Trelby are fine. And free.
Some may have also mentioned your scene numbers -- you may want to get rid of those unless your producing or directing yourself. Some producers may have you number the scenes eventually, but better just to keep them off.
The dialogue was fun (kind of a play on the who's on first bit) but the conversation doesn't really go anywhere. Now, that may be why the conversation is humorous, but there really is no payoff here. It's just two characters with no distinctive personality traits (they may as well be the same person) jabbering back and forth over a hair that may or may not be on Dave's face (it's never shown, we are told that there is a hair on his face via dialogue).
Though the dialogue/conversation is humorous, the actual writing isn't very strong.
No need to say "A" BUSY CAFE in the slug, can just be BUSY CAFE. I would do something different with the slug... maybe an actual name of the cafe. Also, some redundancy here... by setting up the scene with a slug line, you already imply that this is a "general shot" of the cafe"... no need to mention general shot.
You should also CAP characters, even bit characters, when intro'd.
EXT. CAFE - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
CUSTOMERS continuously enter and leave, the place hopping.
I would give a brief description of the cafe, just a sentence.
Numerous issues here. First off, the slug line. If we're inside the same cafe that you did an exterior shot of the previous slug, the slug line has to be the same with the only difference being EXT. and INT. You say EXT. A BUSY CAFE and then cut to INT. THE CAFE.
Should be EXT. A BUSY CAFE and INT. A BUSY CAFE.
And there's no need to mention DAY again in the slug again. Just say CONTINUOUS or omit the time of day completely as we assume that it's the same day from EXT. to INT.
You should also give a brief description of the inside of the cafe.
This is worded poorly. Is Miles dressed casually or stylishly? Stylish casual wear? Also, no need to mention "Dave's friend"... only way for a viewing audience to know that it's Dave's friend is by SEEING IT.
MILES, mid 30s, stylish clothes and hair, sits at a table across from DAVE, mid 30s, his hair messy, clothing wrinkled.
Or something like that. No need to say "is sitting".
I would actually start this scene off with WAITRESS bringing them their coffee, taking US, the audience, to the table along with the coffee.
INT. BUSY CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Every table occupied, a cacophony of scattered conversation, light background music and kitchen noise fills the room.
A MIDDLE-AGED WAITRESS carries two cups of coffee to a --
CORNER BOOTH (this is a mini slug... we're already INT. no need to mention INT. again)
MILES, mid 30s, stylish clothes and hair, sits across from DAVE, mid 30s, his hair messy, clothing wrinkled.
No need to mention that they are friends. We get that they are familiar with each other because they are sitting at the same table. And we find out that they're friends through their banter.
And you don't need to say "begin to chat"... when the dialogue starts, that's when we hear them begin to chat. Besides, this sounds like we're meeting them mid conversation because you start the dialogue with ellipses (...).
I know I mentioned having the WAITRESS take us to the table as she takes the coffee to their table but I would try to get right into the conversation by starting off with a VO in the establishing shot that carries over to the INT. shot.
EXT. BUSY CAFE - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
CUSTOMERS continuously enter and leave, the place hopping.
DAVE (V.O.) …anyway, as I was driving over to meet you I noticed this little hair on my face.
INT. BUSY CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Every table occupied, a cacophony of scattered conversation, kitchen noise and light background music fills the room.
A MIDDLE-AGED WAITRESS drops off two cups of coffee to a --
CORNER BOOTH
DAVE, mid 30s, dressed sloppily, messy hair, points to his cheekbone.
DAVE You see it? I know it’s only little, but I noticed it from the corner of your eye while I was driving. It really bugged me. Still is.
MILES, mid 30s, stylish clothes and hair, observes from across the table, slightly perplexed.
MILES Right…don’t you mean you noticed it from the corner of your eye?
Overall, the strength is clearly the dialogue, but the characters seem to be pretty much the same exact person, no distinctive traits other than one is dressed nice and clean cut, the other sloppy with messy hair. There really is no set-up or payoff, either. Even the conversation itself never reaches a conclusion... doesn't exactly need to end wrapped up in a neat little package, but there should be some kind of punchline here.
Outside of the dialogue, the actual writing really needs work (as I've mentioned). Practice makes perfect, though... keep reading other screenplays and keep learning!
-- Michael
Hi Michael
Thanks for the welcome and the detailed help with my piece. You have given me a lot to think about and incorporate into any potential re-write.
I have only ever written memoir (nothing published or finished, except a short piece - only recently began writing as a hobby). But have found myself writing short pieces in the style of how I often think things in my own head i.e. just writing these scenes for fun. Script writing I see is a whole new ball game not only in terms of what should be included in my writing, but how I present it and format it. i.e. I never intended writing scripts per se, just short stories - some of which involved dialogue.
Anyway, will see how I go - I may revert back to only memoir! Or, I may post some more ideas for shorts I have written over the last year.
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