Thank you for the read Marcela,

I'm glad you liked it.  The notes help.  I'm starting to like the title "Nothing for Christmas".

Quoted from Marcela She’s just a child for god sakes. Should be - for God's sake.

Plenty of people say for god sakes. God doesn't need to be in uppercase unless it starts a sentence. I'm an atheist. Gods do not exist. An atheist placing the 'g' in uppercase (unless it starts a sentence) is indirectly admitting the existence of such a thing.

I'm going to check out your script the same way I always do. I'm only interested in the quality of the writing. Disregard as you please and take my single opinion for what it's worth. I cannot speak for anyone else.

Code 1) Christmas Eve as shoppers scurry around making last minute shopping choices.

Your first line of action is a tell. You're telling me, not showing me. Show me that it is Christmas Eve. How do we know the shoppers are making last minute shopping choices?

Code People on the street corner playing a Christmas tune.

People? Just people? Aren't they a BAND, or CAROL SINGERS. How are they playing this Christmas tune? Which tune is it?

Code Salvation Army volunteers ring their bells in hopes of last minute donations during the holiday spirit

They ring their bells? How many are there? In my country they form bands (often brass) and play carols. I've never seen one dinging a bell, aside from in old US Christmas movies. The last part of the sentence 'during the holiday spirit' not only doesn't make proper sense and is missing a full stop, but is also unnecessary as by now the viewer should be fully aware it is Christmas time.

Code EXT. SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF A FOOD-BANK NEXT TO A BANK - DAY

EXT. FOOD BANK - DAY

If it is really important that it's next to a bank, then place that in the action.

Code People walk along the sidewalk bundle up as a bitter wind picks up.

The same people that were playing the unknown Christmas tune? What do you mean by 'bundle up'? Do they all squeeze up against each other?

Code A family stands in front of the food bank. Alison, fidgets with her DAUGHTERS dated scarf in an effort to keep her warm in the bitter wind.

Alison should be in uppercase like her Daughter. It should also be DAUGHTER'S dated scarf. Both Alison and her Daughter need an age and a description.

What is dated about the scarf? Is it simply an antique? You mentioned the bitter wind in the last action block and now here it is again.

Code ALISON You have to keep this pulled up, it’s cold out, sweetie. I don’t want you getting sick. SALLY But it stinks mommy. ALISON Sorry sweetie, this is all we have.

OTN dialogue. The fact that the mother pulls the scarf tighter shows all of the first bit of dialogue visually. The kid will know why her mom is pulling it up and so will the mom. So the dialogue is merely a weak effort to impart the viewer how poor this family are. It's unnecessary as the visuals and what they do and say will give this away subtly. The second line of dialogue is fine if the first isn't there.

The third line of dialogue is also completely unnecessary and OTN. Obviously it's all they have, they're standing outside a food bank looking poor. It goes without saying. Show, don't tell.

Code The Father, FRANK (50s), stares down to the ground, his hand rubs his face as if he hasn’t slept in days.

This needs to be handled better. You mentioned a family a few lines ago, but only described two of them before the dialogue started. You should find some way to intro the whole family at once. It's very messy and slightly confusing at the moment.

Where else is the ground if not down? What else could you rub your face with if not your hand? If you write that somebody rubs their face, it goes without saying that they have used their hand to do it. If he rubs it with a wet wipe then that would take mentioning. I think you should also describe he looking like he hasn't slept in days, rather than telling us through some indirect action.

Code Few steps from the Father is a little boy, ROGER (10). The Little boy has a toy in hand. The toy has seen better days and appears quite used and fragile.

A few steps from the Father...

Next to Frank, ROGER (10), clutches a superhero figurine. One
of the arms is missing and the legs look like they have been
chewed by a dog.

Code BETTY a Food Bank worker steps out onto the sidewalk carrying a small bag of groceries.

Firs of all, I'll put in the missing commas.

BETTY, a Food Bank worker, steps out onto the sidewalk, carrying
a small bag of groceries.

How do we know she's a food bank worker?

[b]A door to the food bank creaks open and BETTY (56), not dressed for
the cold, shivers as she hands a bag of groceries to Frank.

Code JIM (20s) tall and slender with black shoulder length hair. Black faded and cracked nail polish on his finger nails. Wears a dark ski mask and a long coat to cover up a weapon, runs into Frank as he takes hold of the bag spilling the contents across the sidewalk. Jim loses his balance a bit and bumps Roger, the toy falls out of Roger’s hand and crashes onto the sidewalk.

Ouch. There are many that will tell you to keep it to only one or two lines of action... which isn't exactly the correct information. You write by camera shot. Each shot usually only takes one sentence, which in turn usually only takes a couple of lines.

There's a lot wrong in the above. Fragmented and poorly constructed sentences. Writing like this is nowhere near good enough for competitions or anything like that, so don't waste your cash just yet. As a hobby then you can do what you like and I hope that you have a lot of fun while writing. Still some way to go before you're at a pro standard, but if you work hard then you may get there... if you want to. Some claim not to want to, or perhaps just don't fully realise their own motivations.

If the writing isn't up to par then I don't get to the story, but don't take that to heart, there are plenty of pro novelists that I can't read either. Tom Clancy bores the hell out of me, and I was once locked in a cell with The Hunt for Red October as my only reading material for a week. I read the thing almost three times. I still class that as one of the most horrifying experiences of my life... almost as bad as not having anything to read at all.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Plenty of people say for god sakes. God doesn't need to be in uppercase unless it starts a sentence. I'm an atheist. Gods do not exist. An atheist placing the 'g' in uppercase (unless it starts a sentence) is indirectly admitting the existence of such a thing.

Capitalizing God as a rule the English language is not good advice. It doesn't need to be even though different religious groups may tell you otherwise. However, in the above, I agree that the possessive suggestion of "God's sake" should probably be capitalized just the same as if you had changed it to "for Dustin's sake." I view God as being an entity.

Either way, I doubt it's a glaring error and certainly nothing on par with some of the massive errors that come through here daily.

Tony

I doubt anyone interested in producing or directing is gonna care about spelling issues, especially trivial things such as should God be capitalised.

Quoted from JackJ I doubt anyone interested in producing or directing is gonna care about spelling issues...

Yeah, just like when I hire a carpenter, I don't expect them to be able to saw straight.

Thank you Dustin for taking the time,  All of this really helps.

Even if I'm only going to produce this script myself, I still want it the best possible with the least amount of mistakes.  I know I read somewhere that the writer didn't care because they were directing the script themselves.  That's all fine and dandy, but you still need to get actors.  Those actors have to read the script and you normally do a reading out loud several times.  If the script is riddled with basic errors, there's not a lot of hope for the final product.  

I would rather have people be honest and point out mistakes or say if they 'like' or 'didn't like' then tell me "Good job, your really good".  Then next thing you know I'm on American Idol singing away because my mom and family said I was really good only to find out that they were being nice.

Well of to the rewrites and corrections.

Thanks again.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Yeah, just like when I hire a carpenter, I don't expect them to be able to saw straight.

I'm not going to see grammar mistakes on screen, Dustin. If the story is good enough, grammar goes out of the window.

Quoted from JackJ I'm not going to see grammar mistakes on screen, Dustin. If the story is good enough, grammar goes out of the window.

What hope for the engine if the bodywork is shoddy?

Hypothetically - You enjoyed a script, read start to finish, found it entertaining, but there are a couple of grammar issues.

Versus

An incredibly well spelt (spelled) script, but found it bland - what script would you choose to recommend?

Quoted from DustinBowcot What hope for the engine if the bodywork is shoddy?

Spec scripts are designs destined to be repaired. In order to make the engine, you need a producer to provide the parts. In order to do that, admittedly, you need to provide a well written script...

However -- even if a script is immaculately spelt, changes are bound to happen, it's unlikely the screenplay is gonna pan out exactly as the writer visualized it. Therefore, a lot of what the writer wrote won't even make it on screen, that includes the bad grammar or the exceptionally well written grammar.

What counts is story, content. If it engages the reader long enough for them to finish, the likelihood of that story becoming a cog in the machine grows regardless of how many grammar issues it may have had.  

Quoted from JackJ In order to do that, admittedly, you need to provide a well written script.

Yeah, precisely.

Quoted from CJ Walley Indeed. However the key factor there is engagement. Some readers blue-screen the second they hit an error and become disengaged. I know of people who lose their shit over bold sluglines.

I don't know of any, as a matter of fact, most people seem to like them and why not? It clearly provides a visual indicator of when a scene changes and helps the reader pick it out. I likes em lots times.

Quoted from Cj_Walley I know from my own experience that typos and grammar don't matter as much as many writers think.

I hope I never experience this.

Quoted from Cj_Walley The fact is, many people, foolishly or not, attach good technical writing skills with good story crafting skills.

I disagree with "foolishly." I would say accurately. You are selling yourself as a writer with your writing. You are the product. Packages matter. Speaking of packages, have you read my Cock Man short?

Quoted from JackJ An incredibly well spelt (spelled) script, but found it bland - what script would you choose to recommend?

I would recommend the "not bland one" with polished spelling/grammar. Remember, everyone has great ideas (or thinks they do) for movies. Gotta give em the complete package. Speaking of packages, have you read my Cock Man short?

Quoted from JackJ I'm not going to see grammar mistakes on screen, Dustin. If the story is good enough, grammar goes out of the window.

Uhhh, okay then. Is that the "JackJ" rule?

Thank you CJ for the pitch quotes about grammar.

Grammar is always a touchy subject, sadly it's mostly do to laziness and lack of effort.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when I see people use short forms on forums instead of typing out the whole word, especially in writer's forums.  I don't mean, lol at the end, I mean typing in a forum post as if they were on an old style phone in which you had to scroll through each letter.  You're a writer for God sake, write!  Wait, is that with a capital 'G' or a small 'g', oh screw it, GOD SAKE!  I win!

So thanks all that have read, I'm working on a newer version that has the corrections as well as some story improvements (I hope).  I think I will call the story "Nothing for Christmas".

I wonder, do I submit a new story with a different title or just submit again and ask to change the name?

Quoted from CJ Walley Do you actually have anything to bring to the discussion?

If you incorrectly quote me then it appears not. Typical emotional response/tactic on full display. I hope no one buys it.

You should be proud of yourself. Good job.