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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Initiation - optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    Initiation - optioned  (currently 4192 views)
Don
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Initiation by P.H. Cook (Angry Bear) - Short, Drama, Dark Comedy - A young black man, ready to celebrate his promotion and proposal to his girlfriend, runs into a young white girl on her own mission. 14 pages - pdf.


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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Grandma Bear  -  June 9th, 2020, 7:39pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting this script.  

I'm posting this script in case anyone would like to film it. I'm not really looking for feedback since I have no plans to do any rewrites.  


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LC
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Pia, well, I'll just say this was a real hoot and you had me all the way along for the ride.

**The following does not constitute 'feedback' as such, more audience appreciation.  

I really felt for Nico, and at one point I just wanted to slap Amara. You nailed it on:  1. great entertainment, and 2. the potential black/white issue - being falsely accused etc. Terrific stuff!

I don't think you'll need much luck in getting it picked up. In fact there could well be a bun fight over it.  


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StevenClark
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Libby. Was one of those scripts I just had to keep on reading to find out how it ended. Good stuff. Good luck with it.

Steve


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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Super happy you guys liked it! I do apologize for not being able to return reads or planning a rewrite. I sent this one to two people before posting and made a couple of small adjustments. This one was kind of an exercise for me to work on better characters, dialogue and also scene building tension. I've been told too many times with my features that the characters are 2 dimensional, the dialogue sucks and tension is missing, so that was my aim here.

One of the readers hated Amara, but that was my aim, so I actually think I succeeded there. She's the antag and as such, the more you hate her and want to slap her, the better.    The same reader also hated Nico for being weak, but again, my aim was for him to be a nice guy, so I think I succeeded there too.

Cheers everyone! We'll see if anyone bites.  


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rendevous
Posted: December 14th, 2015, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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I think the idea is you're supposed to hate Amara, that's kinda the point. But she's one of those gits who you can't stop watching, just so you can see what she does next.

I enjoyed this. Kept me guessing and avoided many of the cliches it wandered close to. Good characters well drawn. Would make a sharp short film. Good work.

R


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: December 14th, 2015, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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This reminds me of fun games but with a somewhat happy ending. Can't wait to see this get made.

Gabe
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RichardR
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Pia,

Good job.  Solid little piece.  Where you might explore improvement would be with Nico.  He comes off as a complete fool whose only recourse is to dump her. Why not make this a bit more competitive?  Nice gives as good as he gets.  Making this all one-sided makes it less engaging.  After all, Nico just got a promotion and a raise.  Why make him stupid just because some precocious teenager tries to roust him?  If the advantage goes back and forth, you have a more engaging story.  She can still get her trophy, but it shouldn't be so easy, so coincidental.  One-sided contests are boring by nature.

Best
Richard
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wonkavite
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Ugh - Lib!!  Actually, I was about to hand Initiation over to you for an STS review... but gave it to someone else.  And NOW I see you love it!  Argh!  )

A snazzy Pia script, IMHO...  ))

Cheers,

--Janet (W)
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys. Very happy this short seems to have gone over well. I'm sorry I do not have time to return reads or do a rewrite at the moment.

As mentioned earlier, this was an exercise for me in building scene tension. Throw everything at the protag. I was also trying to work on characters and dialogue since that seems to be some of my biggest issues.

I should be back in the swing of things this spring.  


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LC
Posted: December 18th, 2015, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
Ugh - Lib!!  Actually, I was about to hand Initiation over to you for an STS review... but gave it to someone else.  And NOW I see you love it!  Argh!  )
--Janet (W)

Argh! Indeed, Janet.   I woulda' too, and I would have enjoyed writing it, but I've got enough on my plate at the moment with work and Christmas looming etc., so probably a good thing you didn't tempt me with it.

Below:
Not that this is feedback either,   but I can't help myself...

Re what Richard said, about this being 'one-sided' and that it's less entertaining because of that, I disagree. It's the kind of thing when you're reading it/watching it, you desperately want Nico to be stronger, more assertive, stand up to Amara, snap out of it, man! But it's exactly because he's a wimp and gets dragged along without being able to see a way clear that makes this so entertaining; makes you want to yell at the screen.

Without sounding like a suck-up, I can't think of any change I'd suggest you make to this, Pia. Some rare things just work and they should be left alone. And sometimes, contrary to the rewrite adage, you can mess with things and mess 'em up in the process.


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StevenClark
Posted: December 18th, 2015, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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Just my two cents on this, and I understand you're not into rewriting...  But the ending with the Amara high-fiving and all, and Nicolooking confused at it all. I would have loved to see Amara turn to him in his car, wave the underwear high and give "him" a thumbs up or something. Just to kinda finalize the deal.

Steve


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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 9th, 2016, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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Just wanted to tell you guys that this one has been picked up by this director.  http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1153494/?ref_=rvi_nm

Wanted to thank Janet for putting it up on STS. I was contacted less than 24hrs after it was posted.

I hope this will workout and the film will be finished because this guy looks by far to have the most accomplishments of anyone who's ever produced anything of mine.

Extra feather in my hat was that he complimented my writing and asked if I had other scripts. This means a lot to me. After ten years, I finally feel I have settled on my own style of writing and it's pretty clean and easy/fast to read. For those who remember my early days, you'll understand that this is an accomplishment for me...and, I learnt it all from y'all!!  


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eldave1
Posted: March 9th, 2016, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Super News - congrats!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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StevenClark
Posted: March 9th, 2016, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome news, Pia. Congrats!


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