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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Initiation - optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    Initiation - optioned  (currently 4709 views)
Don
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Initiation by P.H. Cook (Angry Bear) - Short, Drama, Dark Comedy - A young black man, ready to celebrate his promotion and proposal to his girlfriend, runs into a young white girl on her own mission. 14 pages - pdf.


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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Grandma Bear  -  June 9th, 2020, 8:39pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting this script.  

I'm posting this script in case anyone would like to film it. I'm not really looking for feedback since I have no plans to do any rewrites.  


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LC
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Pia, well, I'll just say this was a real hoot and you had me all the way along for the ride.

**The following does not constitute 'feedback' as such, more audience appreciation.  

I really felt for Nico, and at one point I just wanted to slap Amara. You nailed it on:  1. great entertainment, and 2. the potential black/white issue - being falsely accused etc. Terrific stuff!

I don't think you'll need much luck in getting it picked up. In fact there could well be a bun fight over it.  


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SteveClark
Posted: December 13th, 2015, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Libby. Was one of those scripts I just had to keep on reading to find out how it ended. Good stuff. Good luck with it.

Steve


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Grandma Bear
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Super happy you guys liked it! I do apologize for not being able to return reads or planning a rewrite. I sent this one to two people before posting and made a couple of small adjustments. This one was kind of an exercise for me to work on better characters, dialogue and also scene building tension. I've been told too many times with my features that the characters are 2 dimensional, the dialogue sucks and tension is missing, so that was my aim here.

One of the readers hated Amara, but that was my aim, so I actually think I succeeded there. She's the antag and as such, the more you hate her and want to slap her, the better.    The same reader also hated Nico for being weak, but again, my aim was for him to be a nice guy, so I think I succeeded there too.

Cheers everyone! We'll see if anyone bites.  


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rendevous
Posted: December 14th, 2015, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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I think the idea is you're supposed to hate Amara, that's kinda the point. But she's one of those gits who you can't stop watching, just so you can see what she does next.

I enjoyed this. Kept me guessing and avoided many of the cliches it wandered close to. Good characters well drawn. Would make a sharp short film. Good work.

R


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: December 14th, 2015, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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This reminds me of fun games but with a somewhat happy ending. Can't wait to see this get made.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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RichardR
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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Pia,

Good job.  Solid little piece.  Where you might explore improvement would be with Nico.  He comes off as a complete fool whose only recourse is to dump her. Why not make this a bit more competitive?  Nice gives as good as he gets.  Making this all one-sided makes it less engaging.  After all, Nico just got a promotion and a raise.  Why make him stupid just because some precocious teenager tries to roust him?  If the advantage goes back and forth, you have a more engaging story.  She can still get her trophy, but it shouldn't be so easy, so coincidental.  One-sided contests are boring by nature.

Best
Richard
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wonkavite
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Ugh - Lib!!  Actually, I was about to hand Initiation over to you for an STS review... but gave it to someone else.  And NOW I see you love it!  Argh!  )

A snazzy Pia script, IMHO...  ))

Cheers,

--Janet (W)
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys. Very happy this short seems to have gone over well. I'm sorry I do not have time to return reads or do a rewrite at the moment.

As mentioned earlier, this was an exercise for me in building scene tension. Throw everything at the protag. I was also trying to work on characters and dialogue since that seems to be some of my biggest issues.

I should be back in the swing of things this spring.  


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LC
Posted: December 18th, 2015, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from wonkavite
Ugh - Lib!!  Actually, I was about to hand Initiation over to you for an STS review... but gave it to someone else.  And NOW I see you love it!  Argh!  )
--Janet (W)

Argh! Indeed, Janet.   I woulda' too, and I would have enjoyed writing it, but I've got enough on my plate at the moment with work and Christmas looming etc., so probably a good thing you didn't tempt me with it.

Below:
Not that this is feedback either,   but I can't help myself...

Re what Richard said, about this being 'one-sided' and that it's less entertaining because of that, I disagree. It's the kind of thing when you're reading it/watching it, you desperately want Nico to be stronger, more assertive, stand up to Amara, snap out of it, man! But it's exactly because he's a wimp and gets dragged along without being able to see a way clear that makes this so entertaining; makes you want to yell at the screen.

Without sounding like a suck-up, I can't think of any change I'd suggest you make to this, Pia. Some rare things just work and they should be left alone. And sometimes, contrary to the rewrite adage, you can mess with things and mess 'em up in the process.


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SteveClark
Posted: December 18th, 2015, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Just my two cents on this, and I understand you're not into rewriting...  But the ending with the Amara high-fiving and all, and Nicolooking confused at it all. I would have loved to see Amara turn to him in his car, wave the underwear high and give "him" a thumbs up or something. Just to kinda finalize the deal.

Steve


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Grandma Bear
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Just wanted to tell you guys that this one has been picked up by this director.  http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1153494/?ref_=rvi_nm

Wanted to thank Janet for putting it up on STS. I was contacted less than 24hrs after it was posted.

I hope this will workout and the film will be finished because this guy looks by far to have the most accomplishments of anyone who's ever produced anything of mine.

Extra feather in my hat was that he complimented my writing and asked if I had other scripts. This means a lot to me. After ten years, I finally feel I have settled on my own style of writing and it's pretty clean and easy/fast to read. For those who remember my early days, you'll understand that this is an accomplishment for me...and, I learnt it all from y'all!!  


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eldave1
Posted: March 9th, 2016, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Super News - congrats!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SteveClark
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Awesome news, Pia. Congrats!


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JoshuaS
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I read this earlier on STS. Good stuff all around.

Congratulations!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 9th, 2016, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Pia, thoroughly well deserved!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
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Yeeha! Can't wait to see this.

Congrats with all that good news, Pia.


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wonkavite
Posted: March 9th, 2016, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Pia -

Great news - and very well deserved!  Initiation's going to be a terrific short film - sure to clobber all the festivals!  )) (Plus, thanks for giving the nod to STS and SS in general.)  Though - of course - the honor belongs to you. )

--J (W)
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James McClung
Posted: March 10th, 2016, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

Congrats on getting picked up, first of all. Congrats on your success in general, really. You've got a lot of wins under your belt at this point. Very happy for you.

I know you weren't looking for feedback, but I did read the script, so I'll give you a rapid-fire response to the areas you were looking to improve upon in this exercise.

Characters - Not bad. Amara is the better of the two, for sure, for reasons which have already been stated. The promotion and the ring were a little easy but perfectly effective, not to mention tried-and-true devices for establishing sympathy for Nico. He seemed like a pretty regular dude, so why not?

That said, very cliche. Red roses, red wine and chocolates have been done to death. You even made him a marketing director, which is like every male protagonist in every comedy-of-errors ever (Hollywood loves the title because they can use it as an excuse to insert product placement).

The only things that weren't cliche about Nico were that he was black, which I appreciate for the fact that you actually incorporated it into the plot. And the condoms, I guess. Weird. I do so rarely see characters shop for condoms in films.

Dialogue - Fine. Nothing special, but not bad. I guess if I'm not thinking about it, it's working on some level.

Tension - Excellent. I suppose you could've taken it further, but then you could've easily taken it too far. The only thing I would've added is Amara actually trying or at least pretending to scream. Then Nico would *really* have no choice but to do what she says. Still, it's no small threat that Amara introduces. I just felt Nico could've made one last ditch effort to shut her down, especially since what she wants also puts him in a risky situation.

Anyway, good job, and congrats again.


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Grandma Bear
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James,

good to see you around here again. You've been missed!

Thanks for the kudos. Weird how that works. Right when I plan to move on to short fiction, all these options are happening!

I wrote this one when there was a LOT of police brutality against blacks in the news. Then, I was watching American Graffiti and there is that scene where the guy in the yellow hot rod has to drive someone's little sister around and that's how it all came about. What if? Kind of thing. I can definitely see how a black man might be nervous in Nico's situation.

I hear what you're saying about the script, but I was pretty happy with it as is. It was just something fun to write, nothing I wanted to spend any precious rewrite time on. Still appreciate you reading of course. The guy who's making the film didn't ask for any changes either, so I think it works for what it is.

Cheers James. Thank you and please stick around.  


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alffy
Posted: March 12th, 2016, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Pia, congratulations.

I gave this a read and I'll keep it brief as I'm aware you're happy with this and as it's already been picked up there would be little point changing anything now, besides which, I didn't find anything wrong with it anyway lol

Straight forward set up and then 'bam' Amara springs in and suddenly I'm feeling anxious about Nico and the situation he is now in.  It got me thinking how easy it would actually be for this to really happen.  I wondered how I would react to this.

I did think the police officer was easily swayed away from taking it further simply because Amara confessed to being Nico's sister.  There was still an opened wine bottle, condoms in the car and lube everywhere lol

still good though and some good, uncomfortable, tension.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Grandma Bear
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This script had a bidding war going on. Then, the winner couldn't get the 30K funding he needed... It went back to the second producer who couldn't find an actress to play Amara. It then went to the third director/producer in London who shot it, but in post decided it didn't work. So, this script is now back on the market.  


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Warren
Posted: December 7th, 2017, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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That sucks. Same thing happened with my short A Day to Remember. Not the bidding war part, but the fact that is was filmed and then died in post. Seems like such a waste to go to all that effort then can it. Oh well, thats the way it goes I guess.

Hopefully yours gets snapped up again soon.

All the best.


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Dustin
Posted: December 8th, 2017, 3:51am Report to Moderator
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I'd be over the moon with a 30K budget on a short. I know there are people out there attempting features for less.

Sorry to hear this has happened to what sounds like an excellent project. Does Don have an area for scripts out of option so they can get a chance on the home page again?

Either way, I hope the renewed interest in this thread brings this script a quality producer. Good luck, Pia.


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Grandma Bear
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Thanks guys!

Yes, very frustrating when things like this happen and especially when everything was good until late in post. I think they messed up majorly somewhere on the sound work.

Yes, 30K for a short is a lot, but there are a lot of people with money out there that want to try their hand at directing. This guy wanted a REALLY GREAT actress to play the part. He felt that was vital to the film's success.  I've seen other scripts from SS filmed with those kinds of budgets. They are usually VERY good. Which is great, but hard for amateurs like myself to match.

Two Psychos also had a bidding war going on. It's been two years now and I'm still waiting to see the film...

Don't know if there is a way to un-optioned a script's status here. Have to ask Don.


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Shakey
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That was... really good.
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Colkurtz8
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Pia

This was a fun read and moved along nicely. I really felt the frustration/horror of Nico when Amara first jumps into the car and won't get out, threatening rape and scandal. Unfortunately, its rather topical given the events of the past few months. A fantastic premise for a script though

I could see when the cop pulled them over that she would bail him out, since there was no other way it could really go. On that point, the cop was very blase about the scene that greets him. Before Amara comes to the rescue, it looks damning, nay criminal, especially since she is handcuffed. Lots of explaining to be done here, methinks. Yet, the cop saunters back to his car to run a check on Nico's licence. Would he do this after what he's seen? Easy to restructure it anyway and not lose anything while maintaining a degree of realism.

So then the big question was why? Why is Amara doing this? In that regard, the ending, or punchline, felt a little underwhelming, perhaps because I anticipated it as soon as she asked for his undergarment. Other than that though, I did really enjoy this.

I see from above that you nearly got this produced, sorry to hear it fell through, a familiar story for some of us here. I am curious about the 30k budget since this looks like it could be filmed for a fraction of that. Has the script changed much since then. Was there a car chase or explosion omitted from the draft I read?

Col.


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Grandma Bear
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Hey Col! Long time no see! Hope you're doing great!  

Thanks for giving this one a read. I agree with your issues about the cop. I'm not planning to rewrite it however. I'm tired of this thing by now, lol. It was something I wrote in one sitting, if I remember correctly. It just flowed. It felt topical at the time and still does, imo.

The script posted here is the script that was going to be used.

The 30K budget was due to the filmmakers wanting a known and capable actress to play the girl. In such tight quarters of filming, great acting would be crucial. It had more to do about that than locations and such. Nothing might happen with it now though, although Dena and I have toyed with the idea of shooting it ourselves. We'll see.  

Thanks again for taking a look.  


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Don
Posted: February 2nd, 2018, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Optioned, again.


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SteveClark
Posted: February 2nd, 2018, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Pia. Again.


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JEStaats
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I'm glad it was still posted - it was a great read. Congratulations!
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Grandma Bear
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Thanks! I liked this one myself and it had a bidding war going on early on. Since then, several filmmakers have intended to make it, but their budgets have always been too large due to it really needs great actors to pull it off. Especially the girl. It recently came back to me after what, two years or so. Don was nice enough to put it on the home page again...voila!  We'll see how it'll turnout this time.  


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eldave1
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Very cool - congrats


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
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Congrats.


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Dustin
Posted: February 3rd, 2018, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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Good luck.


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Grandma Bear
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Thanks guys!

Here's an idea if Don sees it. How about having a like button we can click on, like FB? That way we can acknowledge someones comments without bumping the thread to the top of the portal.  


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Pale Yellow
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Would love a LIKE button. And can't wait to see where this goes for you!
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Stumpzian
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Pia,
So glad this was picked up, not only because it deserves to be -- and I'd love to see it -- but because this meant the script was reposted and I got to read it for the first time.
Very well done. I kept putting myself in Nico's place, wondering "What would I do?" I think I would have left the car right away and called the cops. But I'm not sure I would have had the presence of mind to think of that.
Anyway, props to you.

Henry

P.S. The condom-shopping scene reminds of a story I'll tell on myself. Many years ago, I went to the drug store to buy condoms. My young son asked, "Where you going, Daddy?"
"The drug store."
"Can I go?"
"Ahhh... not this time
"Well, will you buy me a Superman comic book?"
So I found myself at the checkout counter with a box of condoms and a Superman comic book. Needless to say, I didn't make eye contact with anyone.



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Grandma Bear
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Thanks for reading Henry. Glad you liked it. A lot of people did. One of the few scripts I've written that wasn't all murder and mayhem, lol.

Funny about your story there! I think we've all been there.  


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Grandma Bear
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I know. Again...

This filmmaker feels that this is too timely not to film.

Let's hope something comes of it.  


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LC
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Terrific, Pia! I noticed the review on the blog page.

Deffo a favourite of mine. Very clever. I hope the filmmakers do justice to the script.  No pun intended.


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spesh2k
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Fuck yeah! It's a powerful script! And, unfortunately, all too familiar and frightening. This NEEDS to get made.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from LC
Terrific, Pia! I noticed the review on the blog page.

I actually did not notice that until you mentioned it. I check the home page first thing every morning, but did not see it then. It's possible that's how he found it. Like I've always said, the SS home page is the premier real estate for script exposure.



Quoted from spesh2k
Fuck yeah! It's a powerful script! And, unfortunately, all too familiar and frightening. This NEEDS to get made.

Very possible your review helped draw attention to it.  


.
SS, is still free...
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Philostrate
Posted: July 29th, 2020, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Great news, Pia, congrats!


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