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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Sci Fi - January 07 One Week Challenge  ›  Popheads
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Don
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Popheads by Henry Higgins - Short, Sci Fi  - A group of teens hang out in their apartment experimenting with Popco, a galactic illegalized drug. Meanwhile, a dangerous situation brews between two Popco dealers and a potential buyer as accusations and guns start flying around. The story soon builds to a tense and thrilling climax.  15 pages - pdf, format


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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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First things first, I laughed at the title. Nice pun you got there.

Second, I've never seen so many f-words in a 15 page script. There was one practically in each line.

Third, I wasn't really able to comprehend what was going on at some parts, but that usually happens when I'm reading a script. I usually understand things better when I'm able to see it acted out. (sort of like Romeo and Juliet)

Lastly, I may have missed something, but what was with the yelling? Is that just the usual yelling you hear every time you walk into those types of apartments? Where there is always one room with a couple or a family who won't stop screaming at each other?

Sorry I wasn't able to understand some parts that happened in this script, but my eyes are tired and I myself am a little tired also.

Sean


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mcornetto
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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A Pulp fan, eh? Go?

Good title.

I thought the first part was fun, it built up well, but I was a bit let down by the second part.  Probably because I found the script a bit cliche storywise - I've seen this before.

Also, your actions were beyond the capability of presentation on the screen.

You are a good writer though. Keep at it.
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Mr.Z
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one, it's got some kind of Tarantinesque feel... everyone pointing guns at everyone, an over dose, different stories that intersect...

It could use a little more of sci-fi; despite the sci-fi-ish title cards, the story felt "from this world". You've got just a new kind of drug as an extraneous element. Nevertheless I'd say you nailed the theme and genre, and you made it without the "illogical" angles/situations that the comedy genre allows the writer to get away with.

There's a plot in here and it flows quite well, although I would say that these story begged for some kind of twist or punch line at the end, which wasn't there.

All in all, pretty solid entry. One of the best ones.


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James McClung
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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This, ironically, seems to be the first entry I've read that has more to do with popcorn than with sci-fi. With the exception of the pulse guns and the holograms, there wasn't much sci-fi at all. I think you could've beefed it up a little bit. Still, the story, for the most part, is quite original. I have to say the O.D. followed by the needle through the chest was too similar to Pulp Fiction. Derivitive isn't the word. I'd say taken or, if you'd prefer, borrowed. I haven't seen any other movie with such a scene. Nevertheless, your use of the popcorn theme was innovative. Good job! Finally, I think the story could have been structured better. Although they overlapped each other, the popheads and the dealers feel like two separate stories. I think they would've complimented each other better if they were spliced together rather than separate.

In any case, a very original take on the popcorn theme and relatively well written. Not bad.


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spencerforhire
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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I have to agree with McClung. You story does not have much sci-fi other than the cards at the beginning. By the way, their should only be one card adn not tow. The cards were over used. The dialogue was... well not very good. It didn't smack of real dialogue that drug dealers or users would use. Some was stilted and very old. Your descriptions were way overwritten. Remember that the producer of a film will want some creative license to twist you stroy into his or her vision... so let them take the reins fo this aspect. Only give us the bare necessities of the showing and not over telling of the story. And whne you write dialogue, close your eyes and visualize your characer. What state are they in. Distressed, or happy? Then you will know what they would say and how they would respond. Until you let the character dig into you mind you won't be able to really write the correct dialogue. For a one week exercise is was just ok. Keep writing -- each story gets better and better. I know my stories do . It's a process.

Spencer


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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

You had two plots going on in this, which normally can work well, but I felt that it did not in this case.  You introduced a lot of characters in the first scene only to have them dissapear after a line or two.  The second scene you introduced the characters, but they were hard to differentiate, making an extremely confusing scene.

And then when you pulled the two together you got a qucik little break and then the first scenes plot was over and then the second scene went on unaffected, and then ended itself.

I think you should pick one storyline and stick with it, or make it so that the two involve eachother more.


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Steve-Dave
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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This one worked and didn't work for me. You might as well just have called this Reservoir Fiction. Which is weird, because I thought this started off really good, but as it went it just got more and more less interesting and more copy catting. And it didn't have much sci fi in it. But some parts had me laughing, whether or not they were intentional or not I don't know. But them debating if he's a cop I thought was pretty funny, and this chunk of dialogue from Marq: "Donít be a fuckiní pussy
Pasquale. Chew it and eat it. Fuckiní tastes just like popcorn, like mom used to make it, huh?" Just had me cracking up for some reason. But yeah, you are a good writer when you're not taking scenes from Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs.


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greg
Posted: January 26th, 2007, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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Dude, I'm sorry.  Maybe it's because I'm not a Tarantino fan(cause everyone here is saying it's Tarantino-esque) but I didn't know what the heck was going on here.  I mean it seemed to me that all of the characters had no personality but had the same speech patterns, and then I just felt the flow of the story dragged after page 4 or so.

Sorry.  Not my bucket of daisies.


Be excellent to each other
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tomson
Posted: January 27th, 2007, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty well written.

Some elements of sci-fi besides it being set in the future and a different use of popcorn.
Good job on that.

The story itself didn't grab me, but that's just a personal taste thing. Some people thought mine was like a fairy tale. Different stories appeal to different people.

It started out pretty good, but the second half left me cold. Perhaps there were too many characters in this short amount of time to really get to know and care for any of them.

Not a bad entry though.

Pia
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Helio
Posted: January 27th, 2007, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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--------( bad words here!)

I'm not sure about it. I swear I know I have read or watched something like that somewhere! Maybe I'm high! Maybe it was the popcorn I'm chewing right now. Well written...hmmm, yes it was, but...Lot of characters names into a little short...So I never was so tough about a script here I'm now, but it won't be the first time...I have to read it again. Sorry!
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Parker
Posted: January 28th, 2007, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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Well, this certainly wasn't everyones cup of tea. Though, I don't like tea so I'm not sure what to say. From this OWC I learned that using too many characters in one story, which also had two stories into one, in a short, is not such a good idea. Thanks for everyone who gave this one a read. I'll hopefully finish off reading the others now.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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Steve-Dave
Posted: January 28th, 2007, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was you Parkster. I just didn't commit to guessing you because of the pulp fictin and reservoir dogs referrences, but everything else had the same kinda tone as Gravy Peoples.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Parker
Posted: January 28th, 2007, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Ha, thanks man, big fan of Quentin but tried not to make it that obvious in one script. But yeah, when writing this, I did feel kinda the same when writing Gravy People.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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