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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Run
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  Author    Run  (currently 77 views)
Don
Posted: May 2nd, 2020, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Run by Jefferson Baugh - Short, Action - A Young Woman is pursued on her walk home at night. Hijinx ensue. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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LC
Posted: May 2nd, 2020, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Hi Jefferson, this one caught my eye, there’s a nice fast and flashy vibe to it.

A few observations, and I'll preface by saying the good outweighs the bad.

That rap song – copyright? I listened to a lil bit but I guessed the intention - loud, dominating audio overlay, no dialogue.

Interesting hybrid of the woman v us (the audience) in your writing choices. 'We this and that' etc.

We can't quite make out the three
GUYS inside, but they're yelling at us - it breaks through
etc.
You write: (it?)

...the MUSIC, and the WOMAN takes out her earbud and looks back
briefly at the MEN. Then back to the road, walking ahead
They pull up directly beside her, slowing to a crawl (missing a period)


She doesn't say anything, but they do (what do they say?)

thr street (the) typo

HEADLIGHTS casting her in
stark SILHOUETTE (
reads well, but is that what the high beam of headlights front-on would do?)

.a HAND grabs her
BACKPACK from the backseat window
(so it is a backpack and not a packback, as written at the top of p.1?)

The WOMAN SLIPS out of it like a cat, JUST AS: A PILLAR (again with the 'It' - slips out of his grasp – you omit the object of the phrase a lot)comes between them (was that a brief smile?)! Well, I don't know, was it?
I love the first part of that sentence but I'd personally write a brief struggle/better yet, scuffle... And, why is a PILLAR capped?

You'll likely raise some eyebrows with your aside - (was that a brief smile?)! Are we to see onscreen there that she does crack a smile, cause I'd just write that in.

as the WOMAN SCRAMBLES, nearly DIVING behind the DUMPSTER

Capping locations that way? Unconventional to say the least.
My main criticism however would be the adverb: nearly. Again, what are we seeing? Diving behind the dumpster is more powerful without the qualifier.

The TRUCK GUNS IT. But she doesn't move - it's coming
straight for her - and US! CLOSER. . .CLOSER - -!

^  Some weird punctuation going on there.

.to the LARGE ROCK she's holding.
That'd be 'a large rock... ‘ in the first instance.

Leone style - we PAN DOWN
I'm going to assume with all these camera directions you’re filming this yourself?

violent SHATTERING IT!!
violently

by the chainlink fence (have we seen it before?) If not it's be 'by a chain link fence'
sloppily HITTING IT (slamming into it, perhaps?)

REBOUNDING OFF
Rebounding does the job, no need technically for 'off'

Or. Bottom page 2. ??? Are you actually giving us a choice here of which action/descriptive passage might work better? Not seen that before, except in Run Lola Run, but then that's a deliberate split narrative.

she SETS on
HIM! After a moment, he's done too.

(bit too telling, and a trifle lazy that, but I'll go with it).

weird lamplight (is the lamplight  weird? Or, the look of her face under it, weird?)

As she walks off, the Driver's TWITCHING HAND in the
immediate FOREGROUND, retrieves her backpack and rounds the
corner - (CREDITS OVER).

So, she retrieves the backpack? As written that line's ambiguous.

...
Seems like I'm picking this apart but quite apart from my quibbles this is a terrific three pager, and your style definitely caught my eye. A very straight forward narrative with not too much in the way of surprises other than 'girl-power’ which is substantive enough in this #metoo era.

Nice work. I hope we see more of you.

P.S. Meant to say re your logline - the word: hijinx implies lightweight fun and games to me and the tone of this is more life or death.

P.P.S. Van v truck? You really want to list it as a heavy-duty truck?
Btw, love the title.



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LC  -  May 2nd, 2020, 8:33pm
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