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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Blank Bullet
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Don
Posted: June 14th, 2020, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blank Bullet by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Action - Sometimes a blank bullet can do more damage than a live bullet. A mass murderer is about to find this out.. The hard way!  12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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BarryJohn
Posted: June 18th, 2020, 2:11am Report to Moderator
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Hi All

We told not to "DIRECT" in script writing.. In this one I saw no other means to indicate / give a visual to a scene. [NO SOUND - TOTAL SILENCE] You'll see what I mean in the read.  

Should I remove this?    


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories.. You want to hear one?

I live in the most beautiful country of South Africa. I'm a self employed electronics security technician. I'm four years into script writing ~ trying to make it in this ever competitive  industry.  
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 19th, 2020, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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All right Barry,

Your writing has definitely got clean. It is now easier to understand and grasp what's going on, but still needs some more work.

As for the story, it is pretty nice. Not to mention you tried to play with the emotional side of characters, which is good.


Quoted Text

DAVID
YES! They the ones that killed your family. One or more of the around one million U.S Soldiers. Fuck, why not bomb the American embassy here in Iran?
  

This dialog is pretty harsh. Maybe you were going with it in that way.

The ending could have been a bit longer, filled with some more action. But nonetheless, I think you wanted it to calm and kinda preachy, given the fact that the man shoots himself outta guilt.

Anyway, a nice story with improved writing.

Good luck.  



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BarryJohn
Posted: June 19th, 2020, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Yuvraj

Thanks for the read.. and nice comment on my story.

Strange you say the ending should have gone on longer.. It did actually in my first write. But it seemed to OVER-KILL the point I was driving to - Emotionally destroy Arash.

Again, than you for your input.


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories.. You want to hear one?

I live in the most beautiful country of South Africa. I'm a self employed electronics security technician. I'm four years into script writing ~ trying to make it in this ever competitive  industry.  
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 23rd, 2020, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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COUP DE GRACE

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Quoted from BarryJohn
Thanks for the read.. and nice comment on my story.


No problem.


Quoted from BarryJohn
Strange you say the ending should have gone on longer... It did actually in my first write. But it seemed to OVER-KILL the point I was driving to - Emotionally destroy Arash.


By longer ending, I meant that since your script is under the banner of action/adventure board, I expected to see some gunfight or chase sequence or hand to hand combat or something along those lines.

Something that is an adrenaline boost. That's all.




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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 23rd, 2020, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BarryJohn
Hi All

We told not to "DIRECT" in script writing.. In this one I saw no other means to indicate / give a visual to a scene. [NO SOUND - TOTAL SILENCE] You'll see what I mean in the read.  
Should I remove this?    


I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with how you did it here... as long as it's clear.  Personally, I would just imply it in the narrative/action or indicate it via a mini slug or a combination of the two.  Just my thoughts.

Food for thought. Some oldies but goodies.  

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1258158905/

Here... not so much the question but his response.

https://johnaugust.com/2008/writing-silent-scenes


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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BarryJohn
Posted: June 25th, 2020, 3:24am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Ghostwriters.

Thank you for advise and link.. Was kind of you to take the trouble.

I learnt something new - MOS!


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories.. You want to hear one?

I live in the most beautiful country of South Africa. I'm a self employed electronics security technician. I'm four years into script writing ~ trying to make it in this ever competitive  industry.  
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