No Time For Love by John Stone - Drama - A love story, eclipsed by the stark realities of conflict, highlights the delicate nature of peace, fraught with war.

Beatsheet

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Wow John!  Not sure which adjective describes this most: troubling, touching or more importantly so relevant to this moment in time. I’m not Jewish so I had to Google “kibbutz” to get the exact meaning but that just created a deeper meaning to the story. This is well written and again, so very timely. Only a couple nits: their falling madly in love seems a bit rushed but then again you have only 24 pages to get there and who am I to question love at first sight anyway?  Also, do a quick re-read, there are a few minor typos that you’ll catch, but easily corrected. Overall, I love the story, even though the ending is tragic. I fear far too many have experienced this in their real world of late. Thanks for sharing this. Excellent writing on display.

This was touching and relevant. I have a few high school friends who volunteered to work on a kibbutz. One of them went on to join the army. I have worked with a couple of Israeli engineers so I'm fairly knowledgeable about life in Israel and the culture.

You nailed it.

I caught one of the typos. It's on page 13 where Aki is introduced.

Thanks guys.

I like the new ending. It was definitely worth the extra work. For a moment, I had some hope for Josh.

So i'm still not seeing an update of this screenplay. Stuck on 41 pages instead of the correct page count. All device is the same. If anyone is eeing the full 53 page count please let me know. Thanks.

John, I'm seeing the full 53 pages.

Oh well. That’s good. My devices only show 41 still. Must be my cookies. Seems to happen every time I update a script. Thanks Libby for looking.

I enjoyed all 53 pages and the beatsheet.

I had a similar site update problem when I submitted a short and it was posted after Christmas. I didn’t see it posted until that Thursday. That’s when I pressed F5 and flushed the cache on my browser. I was delighted to find that it had been posted and that you and Kathy had already commented on it (thank you).

I like this version better. I think that moving the ending to the end is an improvement.  It was better when I didn’t learn what was going to happen to Josh at the very beginning. I also like it that instead of being unemployed, he becomes unemployed along with other issues, and we get to see why he’s at a loose end instead of just taking his word for it.

It’s fun watching the process of growing a project.

Thank you Don. Pleased this one has been updated.

I took a look at the Beat sheet. The last paragraph didn't read right. For one thing, there is no mention in the script that he hides. He escapes, sees the destruction and is rescued as he collapses.

I would re-word what follows the words "gruesome realities of war." with: He is rescued by IDF medics and rushed to a hospital. In spite of the efforts of the hospital staff, it is too little, too late. Josh's journey...

It's the only contribution I could come up with.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I took a look at the Beat sheet. The last paragraph didn't read right. For one thing, there is no mention in the script that he hides. He escapes, sees the destruction and is rescued as he collapses. I would re-word what follows the words "gruesome realities of war." with: He is rescued by IDF medics and rushed to a hospital. In spite of the efforts of the hospital staff, it is too little, too late. Josh's journey... It's the only contribution I could come up with.

Hey Michael I need to update the beat sheet since I have been working with an alterante ending. Thanks for picking this up. I overlooked the beat sheet when doing so. I will post updates to both script and beat sheet in the near future as I feel there is a bigger story here.

Dear John,
Just finished reading your full SP. IMHO  the various plots points could be more abrasive within the Act(s) structure. I'm aware of the "start late  - finish early" scene dynamic but would like a tad foreshadowing of the brother's addiction.
Maybe a distress call "I've overdone it mate" as the blunt intro is a both jarring and not inviting me to invest. This point could be curtly shown : he's from dodgy stock!
The turnaround is the volunteering streak with need to make good.
Despite purple hair admonishing him "This isn't the place for love" Josh is soon in the mixed showers and all the girl intros reads a bit like his wish list!
As Don said the other day "Cut and pace as opposed to cut & paste!"
Now faced with serious adversity and the chance to prove himself (recent history or otherwise) they almost all end up dead. So as a reader I feel cheated.
It was all for nothing then - which if that's the point of the circle is quite clever but ultimately unsatisfying.
All best JtF

Thanks for that JTF. Points taken. Just to let you know there is an alternate ending which I haven’t uploaded yet where there is a case of mistaken identity with Jerry. Josh and Dahlia live happily ever after.