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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Pink Cherios
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  Author    Pink Cherios  (currently 45 views)
Don
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pink Cherios by Rhys Hicks - Short, Comedy - Desperate for her own coming of age summer, Renada spreads her wings and nosedives into adulthood.  15 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Yuvraj
Posted: Today, 5:56am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


COUP DE GRACE

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Hi, Hicks,

It is really tough to write something that makes people laugh, so kudos for that. Performing live comedy is already tough and to ink it down on paper -- man that's a mammoth job.

Really liked the concept and your writing, it is very lucid and innovative. The conversation between the parents and Hudson was a fun to read. Solid dialogs.

Keep up the laughs.

Good luck.


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ajr
Posted: Today, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey Rhys,

I read this a couple of days ago, wanted to see if you were around and actively commenting -

But since Yuvraj was kind enough to give you feedback, I thought I'd echo his sentiments. This is well-written, and the characters are vivid. They each have a distinct voice, which is tough to do in general, never mind in a short film where you try to convey a beginning, middle and end in compressed form.

My favorite part of this is when Renada goes on the interview at the law office and when she's asked why she wants the job, she makes it about herself and says "simple - it's my dream", and then the next shot is her in a paper hat working a fast food counter. Very Amy Heckerling / FAST TIMES in a modern setting. I liked it.

You're a good writer, and you'll get more reads if you jump in and become an active member of the site.

Oh and if this is how it is raising teenagers, I'm glad I never had kids -

Good luck with this -

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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