Yard Sale by Zack Akers - Short, Comedy - Some people just don't understand yard sales… 3 pages

Production: micro-budget, two actors - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for getting this one up so fast, Don. You rock!

Figured I'd try my hand at a straight-up comedy. This is just a stupid idea that hit me one day while I was at a yard sale. Hope you all find it as amusing as I do.

Oh, and somehow I managed to submit the wrong draft. I'm really dumb, apparently. Lol. I've submitted an updated draft that cleans up the typos and grammar issues.

Zack, you are a great suspense/horror/zombie writer. Respect on giving a comedy a bash, but no.    

Quoted from BarryJohn Zack, you are a great suspense/horror/zombie writer. Respect on giving a comedy a bash, but no.

Appreciate you giving it a shot, Barry. Comedy is very subjective. What didn't work for you?

Didn't land for me, mate.  The core premise is very workable - one man's yard sale taken over by another - but the humor wasn't quite for me.   Others may differ.

Fair enough. Figured it couldn't hurt to take a swing at a comedy skit.

Appreciate you giving it a go.

Is it the gross-out humor that puts you off?

Quoted from Zack Fair enough. Figured it couldn't hurt to take a swing at a comedy skit. Appreciate you giving it a go.

Always good to play around with different genres - keep at it.

So when you describe Ted, shouldn't 'a tan man' be 'a tanned man?'

My advice to you is watch various comedy skits/sketches, from present day comedy to the early Saturday Night Live/Mad Tv stuff, just to give you some ideas and get some inspiration, you might suddenly have that 'Lightbulb moment' whatever it is, write it down, even if you don't think it'll work, i'll repeat WRITE IT DOWN, you never know it might come in handy later on. I'm not a writer or anything by the way, I just do scripts for fun, but I think this will help you.

Maybe after he's hit in the face with the pants, a van could pull up and two men in white step out and restrain Greg who is actually a mental patient? Just gives the story a little more meaning behind it.

Anyway, keep going and well done.

Quoted from eldave1 Always good to play around with different genres - keep at it.

I will. Thanks again.

Greg obviously got the wrong end of the stick and thought Yard Sale meant BYO trash or treasure.
Eww.

Yeah, Zack. It was comedic... just not laughable - funny.

Quoted from AlexanderLR Maybe after he's hit in the face with the pants, a van could pull up and two men in white step out and restrain Greg who is actually a mental patient? Just gives the story a little more meaning behind it.

I like this idea! Thanks for reading, Alexander. And thanks for the advice!

Quoted from LC Greg obviously got the wrong end of the stick and thought Yard Sale meant BYO trash or treasure. Eww.

Thanks for reading my dumb little skit, Libby.  

Happy to help

Hey Zack,

This didn't quite work for me, but it's not far off.  Add some irony and see what happens.
Libby's comment reminded me of the proverb, one man's trash is another man's treasure.
I like the idea of some kook hijacking the yard sale.
(Somewhere in this concoction, I see a Mr. Bean character.)

Add a third person, who is willing to buy the soiled underwear. Maybe it's the only transaction that day. Not sure if that makes it funny, but it will complete the proverb.

Good luck.

Quoted from Abe from LA Hey Zack, This didn't quite work for me, but it's not far off.  Add some irony and see what happens. Libby's comment reminded me of the proverb, one man's trash is another man's treasure. I like the idea of some kook hijacking the yard sale. (Somewhere in this concoction, I see a Mr. Bean character.) Add a third person, who is willing to buy the soiled underwear. Maybe it's the only transaction that day. Not sure if that makes it funny, but it will complete the proverb. Good luck.

What's up, Abe? Happy to see you still kicking around here on SS.

Lots of good ideas you've thrown my way. May use some of them for the rewrite. Thanks for reading.

Updated draft up! Thanks, Don. Just cleaned up the writing a bit.

Tweaking the ending just a tad would've made this such a hit for me! I'm not a comedy writer in the slightest, so props to you for even giving it a go!

I think the ending just feels lackluster. Like getting hit in the face with the soiled underwear is funny as hell, but I think expanding upon that and maybe even finishing out that last page with more can add to the disarray!

"A man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wakes up with a stinky finger."-- Alfred Hitchcock

I know comedy is subjective, I must be the worst reader or something, but this mess had me rollin’. I can see that. I definitely think you are on to something. I know-- can almost taste it-- I see the situation taking form. Then you  hammer it home with a  "payoff/punchline"-- albeit a perpetually weak one. And  I'm on the floor again.

(Sing along, everybody!)

"On the floor again. Just can't wait to be on the floor again-- La, la-- la, la, la-- laaa--

It's not everyone’s cup of tea, coke, or brew.   My one substantive comment is this... the Farrelly brothers notwithstanding, I think the main problem here is that  something gross or over-the-top doesn't necessarily mean humor.  Given it more of an ironic twist/punchline should do the trick.

Methinks  you're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, Zack.  Something like this -- you either love it - or hate it. It's tough to find a happy medium.  I know some writers would probably go all in with the grossness to really appeal to the people who can appreciate this humor instead of trying not to repel people who wouldn't watch this show anyway. Make sense?

Even though it may not seem like it, it’s always entertaining to read your work.  Thank ya kindly for the laughs.-A

Quoted from Sarah Tweaking the ending just a tad would've made this such a hit for me! I'm not a comedy writer in the slightest, so props to you for even giving it a go! I think the ending just feels lackluster. Like getting hit in the face with the soiled underwear is funny as hell, but I think expanding upon that and maybe even finishing out that last page with more can add to the disarray!

Thanks for the read and the great suggestion. And welcome to SimplyScripts! Hope to see you around more.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal "A man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wakes up with a stinky finger."-- Alfred Hitchcock I know comedy is subjective, I must be the worst reader or something, but this mess had me rollin’. I can see that. I definitely think you are on to something. I know-- can almost taste it-- I see the situation taking form. Then you  hammer it home with a  "payoff/punchline"-- albeit a perpetually weak one. And  I'm on the floor again. (Sing along, everybody!) "On the floor again. Just can't wait to be on the floor again-- La, la-- la, la, la-- laaa-- It's not everyone’s cup of tea, coke, or brew.   My one substantive comment is this... the Farrelly brothers notwithstanding, I think the main problem here is that  something gross or over-the-top doesn't necessarily mean humor.  Given it more of an ironic twist/punchline should do the trick. Methinks  you're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, Zack.  Something like this -- you either love it - or hate it. It's tough to find a happy medium.  I know some writers would probably go all in with the grossness to really appeal to the people who can appreciate this humor instead of trying not to repel people who wouldn't watch this show anyway. Make sense? Even though it may not seem like it, it’s always entertaining to read your work.  Thank ya kindly for the laughs.-A

Thanks for reading, Andrea. Happy you found it funny as well. Comedy is a tough genre to write, because comedy is so subjective. But if even one person finds it funny, then I feel like I've succeeded. I'm definitely not done with this script. Gonna sit on it and think a bit more before I take another crack at it.

Thanks again for the kind words. It's really nice knowing that someone out there consistently enjoys my work. Means I've got to be doing something right.