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Huh. A very interesting premise... and you've got a ton of creativity, I'll give you that. The writing is sound, as well. Classy, smooth work.
I'm really not 100% sure what happened at the end, though. Was the voice the Devil/A Demon? If so, why did they let Isaac survive? (And frankly, this is one guy that didn't deserve to.) And if it was God... why did he give Isaac a pass as well? Complete with a symbolic gold "eye of a needle." So - needless to say - I found the ending confusing. But interesting setup nonetheless...
The Lord speaks to us in mysterious ways, or is it moved, or something. Never been my strong point.
I see Reef has been listening to Bono again. It's alright, it's alright. It's. Alright.
Seeing as I usually end up talking about myself in these 'reviews', I should mention I wrote a script with quite a similar theme quite a while ago. Obviously it was spectacularly good. Hmm, I'm glad I got that off my chest.
Quite liked a lot of this, but it's a little one sided. I'd have preferred Mason to have done some more arguing and stating his side of things. I also thought not showing up for the thing with the taps isn't quite strong enough. Fair enough, it shows he's a selfish git, but it's not a mortal sin. They're more to do with actions, rather than inactions.
Feels like you missed a beat with only hearing Mason’s deeds over the intercom. The elevator location seemed a ripe way to explore the different moments in his life visually via different floors and Mason watching from a distance. It’s a curious choice.
Liked the reversal of Mason negotiating his way out, though was he changed? He apologised for his actions but is he a better man for it? Perhaps, I guess he believes in God now.
A couple of these style scripts floating about. Have to admit to not being a fan of the whole divine judgement story but this is the most ‘whole’ of the lot. Well written and engaging. Nice work.
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The plot is somewhat cliche, but I think we all knew we'd see several of these, and by providing a well written, well structured script, the cliche part ain't no big deal.
Whenever I see an 'ly' adverb I ask myself if it is necessary. You should do the same. Here, in my opinion, it isn't. You've chosen an excellent verb in 'glide' and 'slowly' spoils it.
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The elevator starts to rise - a DING as it passes each floor.
'Starts' and 'begins' are rarely OK to use in a screenplay. They slow the read down. The elevator rises - a ding as it passes each floor. Keep the action going.
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His knees buckle and he
slowly slides down to the marble floor.
Likewise with 'up' and 'down', often they are superfluous. If one slides to the floor it is obvious they are going down.
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SPEAKER (V.O.)
You are dead.
He's clearly not precisely dead. I think the 'Speaker' would use a different way to describe this. Like 'passed on' or something.
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The ceiling light fades on - a low dim.
When something fades it diminishes.
Not really feeling the Speaker's dialogue. It needs work.
It got a little better but I don't understand what happened at the end. God is merciful because he allowed him to live? Isn't he the arsehole that caused him to die in the first place?
Another well written one. I enjoyed the opening. The dialogue didn’t seem as strong as the writing, it sounded unnatural; especially ‘God’.
The floor choosing didn’t work for me, why deliberately stick to his 30’s when he was a complete evil bastard? Why not pick a childhood year? People are rarely so one-dimensional. I realise you had little room to manoeuvre here with the limited page length but you could have picked a more balanced spread of life experiences. Even Scrooge had a good side.
I thought you were going to condemn him to hell anyway, which would have been really disappointing but then you perked my interest and suggested this God isn’t quite what he appears to be. Maybe it is a higher power but not the one we or Mason expected. I became excited at this prospect but then you really confused me. Mason declares this isn’t god, that god wouldn’t barter for his life but then offers him a dollar and seems to get his life back. At the very end he then says God exists and he is Merciful??? I’m confused.com.
There’s no evidence Mason has learned his lesson from this experience or means to change his ways. We don’t see him go through a psychic transformation, so to me I was unhappy that such a guy, who doesn’t deserve it, got a second chance. Such a person would soon convince themselves what happened was a dream and revert back to their normal ways.
But you stuck to the constraints of the challenge perfectly; set in an elevator on a shoestring budget. I am surprised how many entries have strayed from this by several miles. Not only that, but it was entertaining and thought provoking despite my reservations. It shows a lot of potential so it is now one of my favourites.
-Mark
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What's that line from the first Robocop? "I'll buy that for a dollar"?
In the concluding scene, the Supreme Lift Being accepts the measly dollar from a rich man in return for mercy -- and the needle. I assume this is the thing that makes Mason a believer. So does Mason go searching, metaphorically, for a camel (or elephant, depending on his religion)? I'm not sure.
In any case, the story is involving enough to make me think about it. In a script, I count that as a success.
Well written, dialogue was pretty good, exposition laid out nicely, not entirely sure whether the whole religious angle was crafted PERFECTLY, but it's likely you wrote it in one setting. Not a bad effort at all, definitely would've liked it more had it been my thing. I'd also replace the last two lines with something a little less cliche -- but something with also designates that he's going to change his life.
This is pretty well written and will get a consider for me. I have similar compliments and complaints to the others. The structures good. I liked the floors representing his ages, but agree more could’ve been done to show him defending himself. I also like the idea of the doors opening onto specific events on his life. But I mainly wanted to note why the end conversion didn’t work for me.
God isn’t a physical entity. He doesn’t need money to pay bills. He never asked Mason to give him money, or give it to the church. He simply asked him to give it away. He saying, “You’ve wasted your entire life on the pursuit of money. You’ve forsaken what’s truly important in favor of riches, now how much would you be willing to part with for a second chance?” And Mason’s response is, “I got a dollar.”
“Deal!”
God doesn’t come across as merciful here. He comes across a dupe. Playing it this way seems to make it a parody of religious charity and mercy rather than an argument for it.
On the other hand, I’m reminded of “A Good Man is Hard to Find”. It’s another religious conversion that I don’t think works on any level, but that the author, Flannery O’Connor, really thought did.
So your script is either broken or a classic. Good luck with the rewrite
"An ornate cab with cherry wood walls, a marble floor and brass hand rails."
That's a gorgeous opening, very inviting, even though it suggests a casket -- this would be very impressive filmed. The dialogue would maintain interest, especially since Mason is able to (and wants to) think his way back to life using a sort of awe-inspired reasoning.
There were some parts, when a smile went over my face. The only stuff is that the ending, the third act, needs a perfect balance with regards to the theme "does god exists?". Will he change now that he knows? Does the script perhaps will be seen as manipulating/advertising belief and faith?
I also think he could travel to one of the earlier stages of his life and don't just move within his thirties. Good presentation, for example breaking off through that heartbeat and flashlight visuals. That made things more interesting from a visual sight. You could get rid of 1-2 minutes, I think, and compress it more.
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The Revelator - OWC - Sold
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