The Relevator by David Lambertson (eldave1) writing as  - Short, Drama - When a man who has valued money over everything else is trapped in an elevator, he is confronted by a mysterious and spiritual force that requires him to defend his choices. 10 pages - pdf format

Not bad.

It was an easy read.  I enjoyed it.  I think there were one or 2 little errors that caused some very minor what's going on, but, overall, pretty solid.  I would have preferred to understand the ending better.

7.5/10

I read it and I got it, even though the "eye of a needle" actually means something else.  Didn't really see any mistakes in the writing and it flowed pretty well.  Good job.  Or is it good JOB?  Ha.

I really like the premise, turning the elevator into a big ol' metaphore is brilliant usage of the topic imo.

Strong writing that's easy to read. Descriptions of Mason and the elevator made it very easy to picture the wall streetish-ness. The death scene felt very cinematic and I really enjoyed the smaller details of the story, too. The guns going off, lights stopping at his age/above it/the lack of a zero/the needle. Props for thinking the short through properly.

I had a few issues with the story.

- I didn't find the reasons for Mason to chose the floors he did, particularly 30, developed enough. I can see why he couldn't come to remember the other two events instantly in those years, but 30 is clearly a rough year and it doesn't make so much sense to be his first pick. If he really was being judged, wouldn't he be more likely to show the best years of his life to give a reason for him to stay alive? Some of that wall street manipulation.

- Mason's character turned a 360 in confidence -- and even adapted God's speech pattern during the confrontation that it just felt out of place.

I'm also 50/50 on the two ending lines. It's too in my face. I just don't think it needs to be spelled out so blatantly, minimizes the effect, for me at least.

Overall, I think the short is well written, well thought through and clever. A strong result for a week. On the other side, the last 3 pages brought the full short down for me and I also think you should look into the reasoning for him to press those buttons.

Hope this helped, writer. Gl.

I really liked this one. That's a very good job. You kept me interested throughout.

All of it is very good. It's an easy read with the beginning middle and end. Great ending by the way. And it reads very smoothly.

Couple of typoes - must instead of most and "the floor" instead of "floor" - you'll catch them yourself.

And it adheres to all the requirements. A very low budget too. Congrats to you on a great script!

Ooh, get you with your positive comments. Fair enough, I liked it as well. Don't really know what else to say because of a lack of education.

Such a breath of fresh air. Great story telling, amazingly creative, emotional provoking. Considering it was done in a week, I give it 10 of 10.

David

Read like a cross between Wall Street and Scrooged. I liked it. Other than the typos, not much really to say other than good one.

Good writing on this, everything looks tip-top on the page. It made the story very accessible.

The choice to use the speaker to communicate Mason's deeds was a good one. Most would probably want a visual display, but the speaker makes it creepier and puts the focus on Mason.

I thought Mason could be more fleshed out. The suit, watch, briefcase were nice touches (I liked poster boy Wall Street line), but maybe a couple relatable acts at the start would help the end pay off better.

What I liked:

- Very well written! That's 2 in a row smooth-as-fine-lager scripts I've read. I'm feeling optimistic about this challenge!
- creative, clever, A Christmas Carol in an elevator
- it's not common in OWC's for people to explore character, but the last two I've read are trying. This one makes a good effort at it and it's hard to do in a short.

suggestions to improve

- the soulless banker who drinks too much, beats his wife, causes innocent people to lose their fortune and commit suicide...it's a little over the top with the cliches. And I'm generally ok with cliches. Bu maybe you need to do that in a short story like this.
- I like the idea of a trick test at the end...very twilight zone-ish. But I think the trick needs to be changed. Not sure what.
- I'm not too keen on the Jesus talking stuff. I don't know why but I prefer it be an angel like It's a Wonderful Life, or even a ghost like Scrooge meets.

film potential:

Yes, especially in the Christian crowd.

This story sparked my imagination.   Great job.  Entertaining from start to finish.

Good script that ready really well and definitely flowed well.

Loved the Scrooge type 3 visits, BUT... in this version Mason is chosing the years, why does he not just pick a year when he wasn't a little sh*t? Say when he was three

Twist worked well, but think it would work better if it ends slightly earlier... when the doors open to reveal the paramedics.

Cracking!

Anthony

The Lord speaks to us in mysterious ways, or is it moved, or something. Never been my strong point.

I feel we will see a few scripts using the rising and falling nature of a lift as a metaphor, and why not. It suits.

What I liked was that it was clear. What slightly bothered me is that I felt I have read, seen ,this type of thing many times before. Ok, not in a lift, but you get the idea. What's the same but different element?

I liked the merciful ending, but as said I kind of guessed this it would be where it ended up. I suppose it didn't have to, it could have just been a judgement day matter, but the choosing three, in fact just allowing a choice did suggest this.

What to suggest. Difficult to say but perhaps the man could be more subtle rather than an obvious arsehole and perhaps he is given a challenge in order to change his fate. All we see so far is the bad past.

All the best

Hi writer,

An ornate cab with cherry wood walls, a marble floor and brass hand rails.

Nice description. I really dig what you’re going for here, and this is a very thought provoking piece to me. Too many aspects to go into, but I get the gist of what you were going for, or at least, how I interpret it.

Mason, the ‘Freemason’, adept of Tubal Cain, is now presented a chance to smooth the rough ashlar of his existence to something more divine. He has a belief system in place, but it’s about to change, or go through some type of metamorphosis.

I want to say the offering of useless fiat, or purchasing of indulgence (his penitence) with paper is something the Roman Catholic Empire used to do; this is how the Reformation began in the first place and should only proceed here if there’s some other form of omnipotence involved, maybe this 'God' is just another egregore, or collective consciousness of evil that resides within this Wall Street tomb.

What omnipotent being would accept this as an offering, a false God, or prophet perhaps? I think Mason caught on to this; however… his savior did not (or perhaps did; now Mason is lost in the clutches of something less divine).  Perhaps Mason should offer up something more tangible, like his silk shirt. By him removing this status quo, a symbol of his wealth, he would be in a better position to accept the Robe of Glory that is being offered to him. But if this God could not deliver, then Mason could turn his back on him, because in the end, what was given unto Mason might also be considered insignificant.

All opinion of course, and this delivered an eloquent and thought provoking interpretation of it.

This one is fine as far as it goes.  I would prefer Mason to protest with his good deeds.  He beat his wife but he gave her diamonds.  He wasn't at the funeral but he sent flowers.  He would be a man who would negotiate and bargain.  And I'm not sold by his conversion at the end.  He didn't really talk with god, it was just his brain  running on reduced oxygen.  Why would he change?  Why would he suddenly believe in mercy?  That's me.  Sudden conversions always test me.

Best
Richard

*Spoilers*

Huh.  A very interesting premise... and you've got a ton of creativity, I'll give you that.  The writing is sound, as well.  Classy, smooth work.

I'm really not 100% sure what happened at the end, though.  Was the voice the Devil/A Demon?  If so, why did they let Isaac survive?  (And frankly, this is one guy that didn't deserve to.)  And if it was God... why did he give Isaac a pass as well?  Complete with a symbolic gold "eye of a needle."  So - needless to say - I found the ending confusing.  But interesting setup nonetheless...

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The Lord speaks to us in mysterious ways, or is it moved, or something. Never been my strong point.

I see Reef has been listening to Bono again. It's alright, it's alright. It's. Alright.

Seeing as I usually end up talking about myself in these 'reviews', I should mention I wrote a script with quite a similar theme quite a while ago. Obviously it was spectacularly good. Hmm, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Quite liked a lot of this, but it's a little one sided. I'd have preferred Mason to have done some more arguing and stating his side of things. I also thought not showing up for the thing with the taps isn't quite strong enough. Fair enough, it shows he's a selfish git, but it's not a mortal sin. They're more to do with actions, rather than inactions.

Fitted the criteria though, and was well done.

R

Feels like you missed a beat with only hearing Mason’s deeds over the intercom.  The elevator location seemed a ripe way to explore the different moments in his life visually via different floors and Mason watching from a distance.  It’s a curious choice.

Liked the reversal of Mason negotiating his way out, though was he changed?  He apologised for his actions but is he a better man for it?  Perhaps, I guess he believes in God now.

A couple of these style scripts floating about.  Have to admit to not being a fan of the whole divine judgement story but this is the most ‘whole’ of the lot.  Well written and engaging.  Nice work.

Well written.  Easy to read.  No major complaints.

The plot is somewhat cliche, but I think we all knew we'd see several of these, and by providing a well written, well structured script, the cliche part ain't no big deal.

Good job.

Code The doors slowly glide open.

Whenever I see an 'ly' adverb I ask myself if it is necessary. You should do the same. Here, in my opinion, it isn't. You've chosen an excellent verb in 'glide' and 'slowly' spoils it.

Code The elevator starts to rise - a DING as it passes each floor.

'Starts' and 'begins' are rarely OK to use in a screenplay. They slow the read down. The elevator rises - a ding as it passes each floor. Keep the action going.

Code His knees buckle and he slowly slides down to the marble floor.

Likewise with 'up' and 'down', often they are superfluous. If one slides to the floor it is obvious they are going down.

Code SPEAKER (V.O.) You are dead.

He's clearly not precisely dead. I think the 'Speaker' would use a different way to describe this. Like 'passed on' or something.

Code The ceiling light fades on - a low dim.

When something fades it diminishes.

Not really feeling the Speaker's dialogue. It needs work.

It got a little better but I don't understand what happened at the end. God is merciful because he allowed him to live? Isn't he the arsehole that caused him to die in the first place?

This one isn't for me. 5 out of 10.

Another well written one. I enjoyed the opening. The dialogue didn’t seem as strong as the writing, it sounded unnatural; especially ‘God’.

The floor choosing didn’t work for me, why deliberately stick to his 30’s when he was a complete evil bastard? Why not pick a childhood year? People are rarely so one-dimensional. I realise you had little room to manoeuvre here with the limited page length but you could have picked a more balanced spread of life experiences. Even Scrooge had a good side.

I thought you were going to condemn him to hell anyway, which would have been really disappointing but then you perked my interest and suggested this God isn’t quite what he appears to be. Maybe it is a higher power but not the one we or Mason expected. I became excited at this prospect but then you really confused me. Mason declares this isn’t god, that god wouldn’t barter for his life but then offers him a dollar and seems to get his life back. At the very end he then says God exists and he is Merciful??? I’m confused.com.

There’s no evidence Mason has learned his lesson from this experience or means to change his ways. We don’t see him go through a psychic transformation, so to me I was unhappy that such a guy, who doesn’t deserve it, got a second chance.  Such a person would soon convince themselves what happened was a dream and revert back to their normal ways.

But you stuck to the constraints of the challenge perfectly; set in an elevator on a shoestring budget. I am surprised how many entries have strayed from this by several miles. Not only that, but it was entertaining and thought provoking despite my reservations. It shows a lot of potential so it is now one of my favourites.

-Mark

What's that line from the first Robocop? "I'll buy that for a dollar"?

In the concluding scene,  the Supreme Lift Being accepts the measly dollar from a rich man in return for mercy  -- and the needle. I assume this is the thing that makes Mason a believer. So does Mason go searching, metaphorically, for a camel  (or elephant, depending on his religion)? I'm not sure.

In any case, the story is involving enough to make me think about it. In a script, I count that as a success.

Well written, dialogue was pretty good, exposition laid out nicely, not entirely sure whether the whole religious angle was crafted PERFECTLY, but it's likely you wrote it in one setting. Not a bad effort at all, definitely would've liked it more had it been my thing. I'd also replace the last two lines with something a little less cliche -- but something with also designates that he's going to change his life.

Love the title page as I'm a fan of a title page that sticks out. Call me crazy but I fuckin love it.

Great title and logline.

Good on you for starting out with something happening

Loving this...reminds me a little of a short with a refrigerator talking to the owner

Great dialogue in this piece IMO

Oh wow I love this one...one of my favorites for sure! GREAT job writer!

This is pretty well written and will get a consider for me. I have similar compliments and complaints to the others. The structures good. I liked the floors representing his ages, but agree more could’ve been done to show him defending himself. I also like the idea of the doors opening onto specific events on his life. But I mainly wanted to note why the end conversion didn’t work for me.

God isn’t a physical entity. He doesn’t need money to pay bills. He never asked Mason to give him money, or give it to the church. He simply asked him to give it away. He saying, “You’ve wasted your entire life on the pursuit of money. You’ve forsaken what’s truly important in favor of riches, now how much would you be willing to part with for a second chance?” And Mason’s response is, “I got a dollar.”

“Deal!”

God doesn’t come across as merciful here. He comes across a dupe. Playing it this way seems to make it a parody of religious charity and mercy rather than an argument for it.

On the other hand, I’m reminded of “A Good Man is Hard to Find”. It’s another religious conversion that I don’t think works on any level, but that the author, Flannery O’Connor, really thought did.

So your script is either broken or a classic. Good luck with the rewrite

SPOILERS

"An ornate cab with cherry wood walls, a marble floor and
brass hand rails."

That's a gorgeous opening, very inviting, even though it suggests a casket -- this would be very impressive filmed.   The dialogue would maintain interest, especially since Mason is able to (and wants to) think his way back to life using a sort of awe-inspired reasoning.

This ought to be filmed.

The Relevator

There were some parts, when a smile went over my face. The only stuff is that the ending, the third act, needs a perfect balance with regards to the theme "does god exists?".
Will he change now that he knows? Does the script perhaps will be seen as manipulating/advertising belief and faith?

I also think he could travel to one of the earlier stages of his life and don't just move within his thirties. Good presentation, for example breaking off through that heartbeat and flashlight visuals. That made things more interesting from a visual sight. You could get rid of 1-2 minutes, I think, and compress it more.

I partnered with a Danish film student on an adaptation of this. Due for release on December 1. Here is the trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rz9GPVvldI8&feature=youtu.be

Dave,

Congratulations.

I checked out the trailer. Looks like a nice production. Keep us posted on the release.

All the best,
Marty

Thanks

Congrats! It looks very well done!

Thanks

Congrats, Dave! That looks awesome! Student films can be hit or miss, but this one looks like a hit!  

Looks really good..

I LOVE the shot from above. Was this shot in a real elevator??

Quoted from Grandma Bear Congrats, Dave! That looks awesome! Student films can be hit or miss, but this one looks like a hit!

Thanks - I'll see the whole thing soon (already have seen a lot of set pictures). But early on the student seems to really know what she is doing.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Looks really good.. I LOVE the shot from above. Was this shot in a real elevator??

Yes. In the original script, everything had to take place in an elevator (it was an OWC entry). I re-wrote it with her. Now several scenes now take place outside the elevator.

We are considering this a new script - co-written and I retain all rights to the original script.

Quoted from eldave1 I partnered with a Danish film student on an adaptation of this. Due for release on December 1. Here is the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rz9GPVvldI8&feature=youtu.be

Looks epic. She looks like a great director. I also noticed a sign in the elevator to the left of the door that looks like it says, Lambertson.

Very, very cool. I'm looking forward to seeing this.

Interesting. I'm curious to see why so many characters are involved. Or maybe it's just a trailer shot like that.
I remember the script, one of my favorites for the challenge. Good luck to you with it, Dave.

And when you say you partnered - does it mean you take part in the filming process somehow?

Quoted from DustinBowcot Looks epic. She looks like a great director. I also noticed a sign in the elevator to the left of the door that looks like it says, Lambertson. Very, very cool. I'm looking forward to seeing this.

Thanks mate. Yeah - the Lambertson sign was something she threw in

Quoted from khamanna Interesting. I'm curious to see why so many characters are involved. Or maybe it's just a trailer shot like that. I remember the script, one of my favorites for the challenge. Good luck to you with it, Dave. And when you say you partnered - does it mean you take part in the filming process somehow?

Thanks!  Many changes from the original.  I took her on as a co-writer.

Just and update.

Well, this film has been completed. I have seen the completed version.  

Can't post it as the producer has requested low visibility as she as going the festival route wit it and I agreed to honor her request. Hopefully, I'll be able to share the link in the near future and my thoughts on it as well as it taught me a lot about the process.

Awesome, Dave! Good luck on the circuit.

Thanks, Steve.

Quoted from eldave1 Just and update. Well, this film has been completed. I have seen the completed version.   Can't post it as the producer has requested low visibility as she as going the festival route wit it and I agreed to honor her request. Hopefully, I'll be able to share the link in the near future and my thoughts on it as well as it taught me a lot about the process.

See it in about a year's time then. Well done, mate. Having a quality film made makes a lot of difference in terms of exposure. Hope it does well at the festivals. Good luck.

Quoted from DustinBowcot See it in about a year's time then. Well done, mate. Having a quality film made makes a lot of difference in terms of exposure. Hope it does well at the festivals. Good luck.

Thanks, mate. Appreciate it.

I can't wait to see this. Our own Eldave.

Congratulations Dave!  


In the trailer, they call it The Revelator...

Like to see Begining of The End and The End filmed as well.

Thanks

Awesome Dave!

Just watched the trailer, it looks top notch.

Look forward to seeing it.

Quoted from Warren Awesome Dave! Just watched the trailer, it looks top notch. Look forward to seeing it.

Thanks, friend.

Congrats, Dave! The trailer looks great. I liked the script too, just read it now.

Quoted from MarkItZero Congrats, Dave! The trailer looks great. I liked the script too, just read it now.

Thanks, James - appreciate it

Sold.

Oh no! Now you don't own it anymore. I always feel a little sad when I sell the rights to a story... then I remember, I can just write another one.

Well done, mate.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Oh no! Now you don't own it anymore. I always feel a little sad when I sell the rights to a story... then I remember, I can just write another one. Well done, mate.

Thanks,  mate. Always am conflicted when I sell. There goes my baby!

Congrats, Dave. So is that x 2?

No the first one I granted free used for. I sold it out right this time

Quoted from eldave1 No the first one I granted free used for. I sold it out right this time

Excellent!

Dave, just out of interest, is the script title Relevator or Revelator? As in revelation?
It's listed as both you know...

Big hearty congratulatory pat on the back btw.

Quoted from LC Dave, just out of interest, is the script title Relevator or Revelator? As in revelation? It's listed as both you know... Big hearty congratulatory pat on the back btw.

The latter.  Revelator.  Thanks!

Aha! Thought so. I hope the new guy/gal (owner) knows. There are two titles on the script - file name/script name. Anyway, fixed it here. You might not be bothered cause either way, success!

Congrats, Dave!

Quoted from Grandma Bear Congrats, Dave!

thanks - appreciate it

Congratulations, Dave. It was a memorable OWC. Let us know when it's produced!

Quoted from JEStaats Congratulations, Dave. It was a memorable OWC. Let us know when it's produced!

Thanks.  Will do

Hey, congrats, Dave! Looking forward to watching it.

Quoted from khamanna Hey, congrats, Dave! Looking forward to watching it.

Thanks!

Hey Dave, congrats on the sell!

Just saw the trailer of the Danish film student and it looks great.

Looking forward to see both films.

Quoted from Philostrate Hey Dave, congrats on the sell! Just saw the trailer of the Danish film student and it looks great. Looking forward to see both films.

Thanks,  buddy

I remember this script, one of my favs from this particular challenge. Well done on getting it produced and I liked the trailer!

Well done, Dave   Hoping many more follow in it's wake