Good premise - I liked it.

But I have no idea why he decided to do today. The voices (or is it just one voice?) got really active maybe? That's my main question.

I didn't care when Sandra started to swear. She doesn't sound like someone that will. Their dialog was not very smooth for me. And they essentially talked about nothing. I wish the Voice told him something interesting. Maybe something about his past. Why is he crazy? Did something happen to him in the past that made him go bonkers? In real life he would be crazy just because he happened to be this way - but for a movie we could have an interesting reason. And connect it with what happens in the car.
You could make it really interesting I think.

When voice said "she will die too" - that was funny. Don't think you want funny in this one. Good job.

Nice until he threatens to drive into traffic to kill them both.
Thought the Voice Over at the end was too simple a way out.
Liked it. Just saw a few problems.

It was different, more to the spirit of the OWC.  She was trapped.  

It was pretty well written, albeit too much description, especially with the neon light and other sections like that one.

I'd like to know more about why did he have to die today.  He's had voices for who knows how long, why today?  

It was a decent first draft, but, expanded and better planned between everyone would make this much better.

7/10.

Dan

I was wondering why the voice was telling Gerald that he had to die, and why now?

The writing was good and the overall concept was decent.  I really enjoyed this, the best I've read so far.

A great read and it flowed really well.

Great character interaction between Gerald and Sandra... I guess the bigger picture is why he had to kill himself with the demon voice in his head.

Maybe he was on meds?
Maybe he did a hit and run?

I'm sure this is one you could rewrite to answer some loopholes, but overall one of the better entries.

Some notes

The voice over demon didn't work for me.  It might be better if you hint that maybe there aren't voices, that it's something else.  A bit of mystery goes a long way.

the idea is solid.  He can't do himself, so he figures out a way to have it done to him.  

Best
Richard

Some notes.

The demon VO didn't work for me.  You might get more mileage by having the audience wonder if he actually hears voices of it's merely part of his argument to get himself killed.  Otherwise, a solid idea.

Best
Richard

Not bad.  Not bad at all.

It's overwritten in many places and as written, I'm not sure it would really work onscreen the way you want it to, but it definitely has the challenge in spirit, is decently written, and has a story that, although a little flawed, works and keeps me engaged.

I don't buy that Gerald is going to kill them both in a head on collision, nor do I buy that Sandra is going to kill herself...or that she would even come up with that.

Overall, it's a success.  Grade B-.

Good job.

Quite liked that.

In particular I liked the loop with the next rider being caught, doing the deed and then being caught up in the situation.

As with any script you will tweak this after but the basis is sound.

I could almost picture the voice appearing alongside him, then alongside her - that only we could we see.

I would also think the demonic voice would be less offensive, and more persuasive.

Consider

Warning: Stream of Consciousness notes to follow…

Ooooh, you already got me with the first line: No moon. Dark as death.  Nice!

Wow – I’m loving the writing.  Whoever this is, is a pro.

Like a child not wanting to see the Doctor’s needle.  Awesome.  Rich visuals.  NOT overwritten, but wonderfully descriptive.

Page two: one extra space in front of  “his brow” – but I’m sure someone’s already mentioned that.

Page two: dressed for hunting men.  Dammit, anonymous writer – you’re awesome!

Page three: do you know where you’re going?  Yes.  Oooo, the subtext in this is delicious.  (Did I happen to just get in a good mood today? Nah – it’s the writing, too.)

Page 4: We can do it here.  Ominous.  And a great (obvious) misunderstanding from Sandra.

Page 7: Great twist with Sandra’s response (don’t know that I would’ve thought of that – either in a story, or IRL.)

Hmmm – I do think I’ll start to love the ending once it absorbs.  Though – I think the Demon Voice needs one last snarky line before we get to the radio report.

Stellar job!  This, and one other OWC submission so far are huge yeses in my book…

Well done.

A rec.

Writer,

Pretty good. I like the suicidal driver aspect of it and the tension it creates. This was a wee bit overwritten in some places, but not too badly. I think I like the exchange of the gun to the passenger -- it works, although at first I was thinking it a bit abrupt. I keep seeing, and not just you, doors locking. Maybe once we'll see the passenger looking outside and notice how fast they're going and not even dare to jump. Sorry, had to vent. And I just got on another writer for ending his/her script with a newspaper headline -- but here, over the radio, it works. Anyway, good job! A consider.

Steve

It was an interesting scenario you set-up here. And fairly unpredictable as well. Just when I thought I knew what the characters were up to you threw me a curveball. The downside is that some of those curveballs came at the expense of logic.

First, I never saw Sandra being able to shoot him in the back of the head for the simple reason that it would look like murder to anyone arriving on the scene. I imagine this happened because of the challenge criteria, but there are better ways to commit suicide by self defense than what Gerald proposes. I also didn't see the logic of Sandra threatening to kill herself to stop Gerald. Gerald had already indicated he was willing to kill her. The whole situation just escalated way too quickly, and is really only saved because none of the characters actually do the absurd things they're threatening. So maybe it's all just bluster, but it still needs some smoothing over at least.

Okay, so Gerald finally found someone to this. It actually works better off screen though cause it allows me to imagine any number of characters he may have picked up who’d be willing to do this.

So this was a pretty good depiction of a mentally unstable guy trying not to do horrible things. I think it needed a little more of a twist at the end. He finally found someone to do it, but that's a matter of trial and error. He was bound to find someone sooner or later. In the meantime, it would've been nice to know exactly what Gerald was attempting to not do. I mean, I can guess, but should I have to?

Best so far for me (so far...). Would have pushed me further if the 'Demonic Voice' was just a pathetic Gerald voice and if the story ended without the radio broadcast. Keep me guessing as to what happens with the next fare. Nice work.

He Drives Them Crazy! Bum BUM Bum! Like no one else! Bum BUM Bum!

Pretty solid thriller, and dare I say, better than what I tried to do.

I don't feel it was overwritten or that the VO was corny.

Recommended A+