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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Silence, Eventually - Filmed -  In Post Production
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  Author    Silence, Eventually - Filmed -  In Post Production  (currently 4339 views)
AlsoBen
Posted: August 30th, 2016, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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I didn't read other reviews so I apologise for doubling up on anything!

Firstly, is Roz a cross-dresser or a transwoman?  A cross-dresser, in the context of a gay club, would be a drag queen and are referred to as "he" generally. But you've called Roz "she" in the text which leads me to believe she's a transwoman. PS, just an aside - trans people don't like being mixed up with cross-dressers, if that is actually what's happened here.

There's like, 99.99% of good dialogue here with everything working fine. There's one or two lines that don't work:
"I just got finished pretending I wasdead with two corpses lying on top of me. So, no, I'm not okay" is generally an unexpected way for someone to react after that trauma, but I understand you need to establish what just happened. You could easily fix this just by changing Kyle's implied tone to quiet shock when he says that line, rather than frustration.

So, I like this fresh take on the "first date" in a traumatic event. It made me want to see more of the pair, even though the length works fine. Scene with the sprinkler is nice. The recurring "newborn diaper" motif is interesting for the reader and director to interpret.

I'm assuming this was inspired by the Orlando shooting?


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Dustin
Posted: August 30th, 2016, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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I know a few gay people and even if they don't cross dress they can be referred to as 'she'. I've always assumed it depended on whether they were givers or takers... I also assumed that it depended on who was saying it, as I don't think all givers are always givers and all takers always takers. It would be better if somebody who was actually gay could pipe in - uhm, probably a poor choice of words.


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AlsoBen
Posted: August 30th, 2016, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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I'm "actually gay" :p and the above is my genuine understanding. I meant no ill-will to the writer, and within  the community you'll get different answers anyway.

EDIT: Dustin, I just read your comment properly, I've never in my life met a gay man who prefers "she", especially not based on whether they are "givers or takers" (whatever that means). I'm actually pretty sure your gay friends are fucking with you.



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AlsoBen  -  August 30th, 2016, 5:31pm
dustin
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eldave1
Posted: August 30th, 2016, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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I'm actually pretty sure your gay friends are fucking with you.
[quote][/quote]

Sorry - this just struck me as a hilarious line - I'm stealing it for a script.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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StevenClark
Posted: August 30th, 2016, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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AlsoBen,

Thanks for the comments. Some good points you made. I'll look into the dialogue one cuz Dave mentioned something about it, and your idea may be a good way to tone it down without actually changing it.

Re: Roz. Roz is based in a real person I knew. Roz was a guy, dressed like a woman for the most part, and wanted to be referred to as she, her, etc. I'm not too up on all terms or titles, which is why I chose cross-dresser and referred to Roz as she in the script mainly out of respect.

Thanks for reading!

Steve


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Warren
Posted: August 30th, 2016, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure why the Roz thing is causing so much confusion.

If the person named is a cross-dresser going by a female name (Roz) and is being called “she”, it seems obvious that he would be a man dressed as a woman. And for filming purposes whether the person is actually transgender is not going to come into play.


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AlsoBen
Posted: August 31st, 2016, 2:58am Report to Moderator
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Okay, I'm not going to derail this thread much more...


Quoted from Stevediablo
I know a lot of gay guys that like to call each other "her/she/ I'm that bitch"

But that certainly doesn't make "she" a preferred pronoun in the sense that female is their preferred gender. "It's all for show", as you said. And it's certainly not widespread.


Quoted from StevenClark
Re: Roz. Roz is based in a real person I knew. Roz was a guy, dressed like a woman for the most part, and wanted to be referred to as she, her, etc. I'm not too up on all terms or titles, which is why I chose cross-dresser and referred to Roz as she in the script mainly out of respect.


Steven, that makes Roz (and your friend, maybe?) a transwoman, not a crossdresser - still not a big deal, just clarifying for you

I'm glad I could help, re: the dialogue.



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Dustin
Posted: August 31st, 2016, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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My uncle is also gay, but he doesn't do that. He's been with his partner for 30 odd years. I think it's more for the people on the dance scene, like a fashion thing. Many will put on effeminate voices and dress in hot pants and the like.


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Athenian
Posted: September 1st, 2016, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

Some excellent work here. I loved the idea of this closeted young man being unable to talk to his own parents about the horrors he just experienced. A kid of this age unable to share such a trauma with his family (due to the fact that he hasn't come out to them yet), well, that's just heart-wrenching. And the whole Kyle and Sam thing is touching and rendered beautifully, with subtlety and skill.

The ending is also great - I guess, Warren deserves some credit for that too. Here's the thing, though: I think Kyle's parents appeared to be too calm for the occasion. If they had actually suspected that he might have been among the victims, wouldn't they have tried to contact him on his cell phone, for starters? And if that hadn't been possible, wouldn't they have looked for him or called the police? So, for plausibility's sake, here are two little suggestions: a) Kyle couldn't be contacted because he had lost his cell phone during the shooting. b) His mother found the flyer, but didn't say anything to the father being worried about his reaction to Kyle's homosexuality. That would explain the seeming calmness in the house when Kyle returned: his mother needed to act "normally" (which would add even more drama).

Again, great work with this. Definitely one of your best.

Manolis
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StevenClark
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Manolis,

Thanks for the read, bud. Noticed you have something new up, too. I'll be checking that out when I can.

Glad you liked this. One thing your comments made me realize is how Sam's situation, which seems almost an afterthought , mirrors Kyle's. Sam has no family to speak of, yet here's Kyle with a family yet unable to tell them.

I thought of what you mentioned about Kyle's father not seeming to be appropriately furious/upset -- I'm not sure how important that is at this point, only because they think he was there. They're not certain. Mom seems to know better, and we get a good sense of her feelings, the Father a bit less so. And I think that's okay. It only mirrors Orlando, it's not necessarily exactly what happened there. Maybe I'm rationalizing. But it didn't seem to me to be that big a deal. Yet.

Steve


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irish eyes
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Finally got to read it... great writing as usual bro.

Nice interaction between Kyle and Sam and how you mirrored that with his Mom at the end.
I think  the father finding the flyer at the end was enough along with the mom's embrace. I think it was more powerful ending than one big happy hugfest...
Actions speak louder than words and you write some great action scenes.

Great work, hopefully it'll get picked up.


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Dustin
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Some great writing led me seamlessly through the script. Not my type of thing, but it's a nice romantic tale that will appeal to the LBGT filmmakers out there. Topical. Current. Reads like a winner to me. Good luck.


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StevenClark
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

Thanks for reading, buddy. Appreciated as always and I'm happy that this worked for you.

Dustin,

Thanks for going through this for me. Appreciate  the comments and compliments. Thank you.


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wonkavite
Posted: September 5th, 2016, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlsoBen

Steven, that makes Roz (and your friend, maybe?) a transwoman, not a crossdresser - still not a big deal, just clarifying for you



Actually, I felt I have to chime in here.  It really depends on the personal preference.

There was a really, really sweet and kind cross dresser I once knew - an older "woman" named Mary.  She wasn't trans, but very much preferred going by the female pronoun.

She also gave *great* back rubs, FWIW!!  
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FrankH
Posted: September 5th, 2016, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

Didn't scan previous reviews, so I might be doubling up on stuff.

A nice short. Writing was easy on the eyes. Visual.

Minor stuff:
* I assume Roz is a man dressed in woman's clothes, but "he" is referred to as "she". One instance Roz rolls "his" shirt up.
Not that this matter too much if filmed.
* P5: Sam regrets this as soon as he says it -- telling us, how does he regret it?

Good work and good luck.

Frank


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