SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 5th, 2020, 5:08pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Writer's Tournament is on!

Submit your WT script to simplyscripts.com/owc

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Tattoo
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Tattoo  (currently 947 views)
Don
Posted: November 14th, 2019, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13850
Posts Per Day
1.95
Tattoo by AJ Lovell - Short, Drama - An abusive racist is transformed for life after a mysterious old Chinese man tattoos his arm. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 7th, 2020, 1:46pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
Kirsten
Posted: November 19th, 2019, 7:15am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
304
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hi AJ,

This is an interesting little story. I liked the tension at the beginning. Those guys were horrible and the banter felt natural.

I was a bit confused at the end.

SPOILER

Did he shoot himself or was it suppose to be somebody else?


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 32
AndyJ
Posted: November 19th, 2019, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.39
Thanks for reading Kirsten.

Yeah it was suicide, that's why we see him take the gun, also because Hitler committed suicide for real.

The newspaper was supposed to be an actual newspaper from 1945, maybe I should add the date


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 32
Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 20th, 2019, 5:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1048
Posts Per Day
1.67
Hi AJ

Read through this and will be putting my notes together throughout the day, so hopefully, have something to post later.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 32
AndyJ
Posted: November 20th, 2019, 7:05am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.39
OK cheers mate


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 32
Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 10:27am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1048
Posts Per Day
1.67
Hi AJ

You are what you ink. A story of just deserts, the bad guy gets his comeuppance - A Neo-Nazi is hit with some kind of wizardry and transformed into a paleo-Nazi -- Hitler -- so the world can see him for who he really is.

Well, he is not really a Neo-Nazi, he seems like a run-of-the-mill racist who wants a swastika tattoo.
You could probably make this more political, especially in the current climate of right-wing nationalism spreading across Europe. It's fine if you don't, obviously, keeping it more social rather than political still has the desired effect.

I did think, why him? why is this drunk singled out to receive this dose of anti-racist wizardry? Is the magical Chinese man targeting others? have we witnessed just one incident in this wizards grand plan? (You could hint at the bigger picture by ending with another racist walking into the tattoo parlour)
Why now? is it a coincidence that he found this tattoo shop or did it appear just for him?

The whens and whys are probably not all that important. I guess I just felt a disconnect from it all.

For me, it may have had more impact if this guy was a Neo-Nazi - one of those who attend the rallies, spreads their hate and anti-Semitic messages online, someone actively trying to implement the ideology of nazism - but anonymously (If you watch the rallies or find these people online, they cover their identity for fear of repercussions from work/family/society - basically they know they are extreme and are too cowardly to show their true colours to those around them.
BUT, here's the point of your story, the magic turns him into Hitler and so he cannot hide his true self anymore - so he goes to work and they fire him, his partner leaves him, his friends desert him, society rejects him... now he has a reason to kill himself

The way you have it at the moment, suicide comes too sudden for me. He's only been Hitler for like a day, and had a few strangers reject him - seems a bit extreme to be like "yup, that's me done", rather than trying harder to shed the appearance or hide... could just be me though.

That is of course unless I am missing a different message that's embedded here. It's possible.

I have run out of time to get into the actual writing side of things... I can come back to that later if you want me to? let me know.

Anyway, good work, keep it up. I hope I have been helpful, you can obviously ignore all of this as the rantings of an idiot if you wish, I won't be offended.

Matt




Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 32
AndyJ
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.39
Thanks for reading and giving your thoughts Matt.

I wasn't really going for any "Message" here, it was just a fun, well maybe that's the wrong word, short story. I thought of it like a short story in the "Twilight Zone" which actually made me think of a few others to add. I thought of something like they are all waiting in "Gods waiting room" and are telling their stories.

The thing with him committing suicide was not about him having had enough of what was happening but more about him becoming Hitler because Hitler committed suicide, He became Hitler so ended his life like Hitler did.

I know the above is how I saw it and maybe that's wrong. I knew exactly why, maybe others will as well... or not


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 32
khamanna
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3523
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hi again, Andy.

Interesting little tale you've got here. I see what you're doing. The ending somehow left me to wanting more. I thnk it's because it's a little out of blue. The shop not being there, and then "hitler is dead". That bit felt a little disjointed, like it had to be attached to the rest of the script a bit better. Too much mystery for a script that wasn't at all about a mystery, I guess. That's why.

I think you need to tighten it too. Maybe get through all the beats you're trying to hit faster. He's a racist. He gets a tattoo. It screws him up, etc. I don't think all the nine pages are needed. Some scenes felt like not needed - him shaving for example. You could get away with it.

His friend - maybe find a way to get rid of this character as he's not playing the part at the end. Might be just me actually. I like only the characters that play out at the end and prove themselves useful. I might be wrong about that.

Anyway, what I want to say here - nice idea. I think you need to work on it some more though.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 32
AndyJ
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.39
Thanks for taking the time khamanna

I did think the bar scene wasn't really needed but I wanted to have a bit of a laugh with Paul thinking Andy looked like Elvis with his black hair. This has just made me realise I forgot to change the Names. I used mine and my mates name for a laugh... oops lol


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 32
StevenClark
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2263
Posts Per Day
0.83
Andy,

Read through this and apologize if I repeat what anyone else has said. You have a lot of grammatical mistakes here. Sentences that should be separated with commas, sentences and dialogue everywhere with no periods. It almost seems as if it were intentional there are so many.

Your action needs some work. Here you have...

FADE.IN
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Two men ANDY, mid 20s cocky, well groomed, smart but casual with light brown Hair and PAUL, mid 20's smart casual with a neatly trimmed beard, both are obviously drunk. They stagger down the road, bottles of beer in hand shouting and singing.

This just reads awkward -- one guy is smart but casual, the other is smart casual, same thing just worded differently. Perhaps you need a different, more efficient approach here.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

ANDY, mid 20s, smart casual and well groomed, stumbles along the road with PAUL, also mid 20s, similar appearance save for a neatly trimmed beard. Bottles of beer in their hands, they sing and shout. Obviously drunk.

Now, that's a little better (not by much), but you can see where I'm going here. It's a little more economical. Not to mention...

Your opening slug is STREET, yet you fail to describe it. You need to do that first, then introduce your two characters.

You'll find a lot of your passages are awkwardly phrased and could use some tightening up. Your story, personally, did not do much for me. Totally get what you were going for here, but for me it kinda fell flat. Just not engaging enough as is.

I agree with Khamanna that it needs more. This guy Andy is a major douche and he gets his comeuppance. It's pretty basic. What's missing are the little details that foreshadow this in the tattoo parlor. Perhaps they see something strange there, something out of the ordinary, like it shouldn't be there at all. Out of place. Something that lets up know there's some bad shit about to go down, and something that might pop up again later in the script. That might help. Good luck with this!

Steve



Revision History (1 edits)
StevenClark  -  November 21st, 2019, 11:18pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 32
Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 4:08am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1048
Posts Per Day
1.67

Quoted from AndyJ
Thanks for reading and giving your thoughts Matt.

I wasn't really going for any "Message" here, it was just a fun, well maybe that's the wrong word, short story. I thought of it like a short story in the "Twilight Zone" which actually made me think of a few others to add. I thought of something like they are all waiting in "Gods waiting room" and are telling their stories.

The thing with him committing suicide was not about him having had enough of what was happening but more about him becoming Hitler because Hitler committed suicide, He became Hitler so ended his life like Hitler did.

I know the above is how I saw it and maybe that's wrong. I knew exactly why, maybe others will as well... or not


Yes, maybe I read too much into it lol. I'm liking the idea of the waiting room revealing the stories, best of luck with that


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 32
AndyJ
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 6:36am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.39
Thanks for the read and feedback Steve.

I've just added a brief description of the street, it's now an English High Street. I've also added all the "periods".

I added a little bit of a "scare" with the old man as he is staring into Andy/Rob's eyes, oh yeah I changed the name as well.

I have another idea where Paul notices all the pictures on the walls have a person missing, then at the end after the blood splatter a photograph falls onto the table showing Paul, but Andy/Rob is missing.

Anyway I'm away for the weekend so I'll do a bit more and upload the new draft probably Monday or Tuesday.
Thanks to all


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 32
AndyJ
Posted: December 3rd, 2019, 10:54am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.39
I made the changes and the new draft is up if anyone would like to have a look

Thanks


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 32
AndyJ
Posted: December 3rd, 2019, 10:54am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.39
I made the changes and the new draft is up if anyone would like to have a look

Thanks


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 32
Grandma Bear
Posted: January 11th, 2020, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6788
Posts Per Day
1.50
Had a few minutes to relax today, so I figured I could be reading something. I have not checked any previous comments, so if I'm repeating anything... oh well.  

I'm nobody, so take my comments with a heap of salt.

I think you don't need to mention the guys' hair or beard even. Cocky, but well groomed says enough. What about Paul? What's his personality like? He's the same age and dressed the same, but what about his personality?

Illuminate or illumination?  I know what you meant. Just pointing out a typo.

Page 2.   "a" sign with a red light

Page 3. Fu Manchu?

Boy, Rob is rather obnoxious isn't he. I hope he gets his in the end.

Page 4.   Paul wears a T-shirt? I thought you described him as well groomed, smart, but casual. Not quite the same picture there. At least not in my mind.

Rob looks nervously at the old man. Not sure that goes with his cocky obnoxious self we've seen so far. Maybe a different description?

Page 5.   Maybe have some expression to go with Rob's dialogue when he first sees the tattoo.

When describing the inside of the pub, I don't think it's necessary to mention a fruit machine or the two old men playing Dominoes or the couple at the bar unless they will play a part in the story. IMHO, you can definitely streamline that paragraph. Maybe just write a few patrons.

Page 6.   I see why you mentioned Rob's hair being light brown at the beginning.

Rob is in the bathroom. Which bathroom? Is he at home or still at the pub?

I like that Rob got what he deserved in the end. Saw it kind of coming though. Perhaps working it so that we don't see the obvious changes into Hitler until the very end so it's more of a surprise?

I also think you could've done more with the tattoo. Maybe have Rob get robbed. Some thug kids stealing his jacket so the tattoo is exposed and he has to suffer because of it?

All in all, I liked it. Some typos and odd phrasing here and there. Streamline it some and put Rob through some harder times so he starts to reflect on himself and what kind of person he is. That way, the ending won't feel so out of left field. He should suffer more first IMHO.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 32
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006