Thanks Angry Bear for taking the time to read it and also the feedback, always appreciated.

Hey Andy,

Thought that was pretty good. Dialogue sounded real to me. Rob certainly got his comeuppance. One thing to consider is tightening up the descriptions going forward. Aim for efficient and visual.

Quoted Text EXT. HIGH STREET - NIGHT A typical English high street with shops either side, most have metal shutters covering the windows. A few bulging litter bins are dotted along the pavement.

One thing you can do is avoid repeating "high street" in the descriptions because it's already in the scene heading. But if you really wanted to cut it down:

Quoted Text EXT. ENGLISH HIGH STREET - NIGHT Shuttered shops. Litter bins dot the sidewalk.

There's lots of places where you could probably lose a word or two and still present the same basic visual.

Like on page 3... "The shop is dimly lit, there are pictures on the walls of people with their tattoos."

Could be: "Dimly lit. Pictures of tattooed customers line the walls."

And there's a lot of "Rob is sitting on the bed", "Paul is sitting at the bar", stuff like that. It can just be "Rob sits on the bed". "Paul slouches against the bar". Make it active, present tense.

Okay, enough nitpicking there.

In terms of the story, I very much liked it up until the last scene. As Pia said, maybe put him through the ringer a bit more. He's completely freaking out, his friend just laughs at him, won't help. Maybe he runs into the young Asian couple from earlier and they're the only one's who at least show any concern. I think it has to be more he's driven to a last resort, if that makes sense.

Nice job overall.

Thanks MarkItZero, I get what you are saying and thanks for the input.
I've written an alternate ending where he goes into the shop, the table is there but there is a mirror and a note written in German. He reads it outloud in German with English subtitiles.

Note Reads: You are what you ink... Thanks to Mathew

He leans over the mirror and sees himself fully as Hitler and shouts "Noooooo" in German with subtitles.

Andy

I didn't particularly care for the opening scene. Just two drunk guys being obnoxious racists, seemed too easy and familiar, seen it a thousand times before.

I like how the bet goading switches with Rob calling Paul's bluff before the latter doubles down, refusing to be shown up as a coward. It's probably how most people end up getting stupid tattoos at a stupid o clock. (Although, having read on, it's only Rob who actually gets a tattoo)

ROB
Fuck me it's Few Manchu.

- Should be Fu Manchu...or is it an intentional mispronunciation?

Again, the broad racial slurs and mimicry of east Asian's speaking English just feels too obvious and played out.

ROB (O.S) (CONT'D)
Oh no the rights are off and it dark,
me no rike... Come on chinky
bollocks.

- Jesus Christ, from a guy unwilling to getting a tattoo, to now openly berating his imminent tattooist, he's really got balls...or just stupid...or just very drunk. Either way, not a good approach, mate. This Old Man possess sharp objects, best be nice!

ROB
Do me a swastika there.

- Haha, well, he certainly has set his stall out with neon lights, hasn't he? Not much else to say about where this bloke is coming from.

"A white film flashes across the old
mans eyes which makes Rob break from the stare."

- What do you mean by a "white film flashes"?

I was expecting the Old Man to just intentionally mess up his tattoo as revenge for Rob's behaviour but it seems something more creepy is going on with his changing hair colour. I'm at page 6 now and genuinely curious to see where it goes. Good job.

Haha, I had an inkling he was going full Fuhrer. However, you should open that scene while taking the audience into account. I mean, the prose suggests that we can see Rob in full walking down the street as you describe his clothes. This means we will see his Hitler transformation before the people start reacting to him. I think it would be more cinematic/dramatic if you obscure his face (like showing him from behind only), then the insults from passing people begin, then Rob looks in a shop window. This way, we learn what's going on at the exact moment he does.

Panicked he starts pulling the door, becoming more frantic
as he can't open it. Tired and beat he turns and slowly
lowers himself to the floor. He sits with his back to the
door causing it to open inwards.

- Ha, I liked this.

Hmm, the ending is a bit left of field and not in a good way. I appreciate you want to end on a (literal) bang but it feels a bit too heavy for an otherwise humorous piece. I'd think about keeping it light, a more mocking, satirical tone, poking fun at Rob and the absurdity of the situation he's in and in turn, the ridiculousness of his racist worldview.

Also, my biggest criticism, as evinced in my earlier notes, is that there is not much to contend with in regards the Rob character. He's just a blatant racist...and that's it. Of course we want to see him get his comeuppance which you duly serve but here is no dimension or nuance to his character which makes him less interesting and serving of said comeuppance less satisfying. Again, it just feels too easy, cheap.

Otherwise, the writing is fairly solid technically and your central premise is amusing.

Col.  

Thanks for the read and feedback Col.

I actually changed the ending and thought I had uploaded the revised version, Obviously not.

Yeah I messed up Fu Manchu.

I've just uploaded the revised version. I changed "white film" to "white membrane"

Quoted from AndyJ I actually changed the ending and thought I had uploaded the revised version, Obviously not. I've just uploaded the revised version. I changed "white film" to "white membrane"

Yeah, I just opened the script and its the same. No change to the ending or "white film". What changes did you make to the ending?

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Yeah, I just opened the script and its the same. No change to the ending or "white film". What changes did you make to the ending?

The new ending has him walking in the room, this time there is a mirror and a note in German on the table. He reads the note out loud in German (subtitled) then he see himself in the mirror as a full on Hitler. He screams out "Noooooo" in German (subtitled). FADE OUT

The note reads "You are what you ink"

Quoted from AndyJ The new ending has him walking in the room, this time there is a mirror and a note in German on the table. He reads the note out loud in German (subtitled) then he see himself in the mirror as a full on Hitler. He screams out "Noooooo" in German (subtitled). FADE OUT The note reads "You are what you ink"

Haha, sorry to make you explain your ending like that but you did a good job. That certainly sounds altogether lighter which I think will behoove the script overall. Nice punchline too.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Haha, sorry to make you explain your ending like that but you did a good job. That certainly sounds altogether lighter which I think will behoove the script overall. Nice punchline too.

I have to thank Mathew Taylor for the punch line.

I'm going to upload again, maybe I started before then got distracted and never actually hit the "Submit" button lol

Quoted from AndyJ I'm going to upload again, maybe I started before then got distracted and never actually hit the "Submit" button lol

I'd recommend using a cloud (e.g. Dropbox) when uploading your scripts here. Then you can make as many changes as you want, when you want, without having to bother Don (owner of this site). Saves time and effort for all involved. Just a suggestion.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I'd recommend using a cloud (e.g. Dropbox) when uploading your scripts here. Then you can make as many changes as you want, when you want, without having to bother Don (owner of this site). Saves time and effort for all involved. Just a suggestion.

Do you mean just add a link here or use the URL when submitting?

Andy, you can post the link with updated draft here in this thread if you wish.

Quoted from AndyJ Do you mean just add a link here or use the URL when submitting?

Yeah, for future submissions of new work, use the URL when submitting.

Also, as Libby said, in regards this script, you can just post the link here.

OK thanks LC.

Here is the link to the revised copy

Hey Andy, that comes up as a Request Access file for me and if opened in a new tab requires Google sign in.

I'm no expert on file sharing but I think on Google Drive docs, you might have to tick  'public on the web' so the file can be accessed.