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Silence Circle by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Drama - Megha, an independent social worker, while conducting a therapy session learns the reason behind the absence of one of her clients. 12 pages - pdf format
The gist of this story came to my mind in the middle of the night and I couldn't resist but to write it right away. So I started writing it at around two in the night and completed the rough draft in about an hour.
The script was a little hard to follow, partially because of some of the writing, though I've seen that you're improving bit by bit... keep up the good work!
But, including typos and somewhat awkward, stilted dialogue, the writing overall can still be polished more.
Quoted Text
INT. MEGHA'S HOUSE - ATTIC - DAY
The place is clean except for some boxes and old furniture. Sunlight makes its way through a small window.
Six chairs, arranged in a perfect circle at the center.
Five people occupy the chairs. They are:
-MEGHA(50s), plump, grey hair. Notepad on her lap. -SIMI(30s), beautiful, black hair with strips of grey. -TONY(40s), muscular, tall, heavy beard. -DAANI(20s), scrawny, walker haircut. -ANITA(70s), nearly bald, specs.
Sitting with their heads low. Posture of defeat.
MEGHA What about him? He ain't gonna come today?
This can be cleaned up to make the read faster (and this is just one example).
INT. MEGHA'S ATTIC - DAY
At the center of the barren room, MEGHA (age/description) crosses off names on a notepad as she looks around at support group members gathered in a circle...
Her eyes stop at an empty seat. The only name not crossed out on her notepad -- Praveen.
MEGHA Anyone know where Praveen is?
The group members exchange clueless glances.
Megha shrugs.
MEGHA Okay, guess we'll continue without him.
She looks to SIMI (age/description).
I'd just mention their names and descriptions as our focus gets to them -- to keep things moving along faster. This should move at the pace of a film and when you take the time and write 5 lines describing everyone at once, it stops the pace of the read. And it makes it more difficult for us to remember the characters.
Also, I think it'd sound more natural to have her say, "Praveen" from the start. I know you're trying to set up some mystery here, but it really serves no purpose. There already is mystery with Praveen not being there.
As for the story itself, the cutaway scenes to SIMI's story (with her son in foster care) and DHANI's story (being mugged while buying drugs) and ANITA (with her brother) seem a little pointless other than to tell us this is a drug support meeting. Their stories offer nothing to the bigger story. The twist at the end with Tony having killed Praveen would have a stronger payoff if, in each individual story, Praveen would have some involvement. I do like the idea of a drug dealer going to a support group to prey on recovering junkies in order to make money. But I think he should be in each of their stories, thus creating a stronger payoff at the end.
The visual of Tony ending it at the end of the meeting is jarring and effective, but it feels a little out of nowhere. What if he showed up to the meeting high? What if he did drugs to deal with the guilt of killing Praveen? I get that he's saying that what he did was a good thing and that he saved all the people at the meeting... but that maybe needs to be worked on a little bit, too. What if he thought he was doing a good thing but he still feels guilt for what he did? And he can't deal with the guilt, so he kills himself?
Also, just to throw this in, how that situation with Praveen and Tony escalated doesn't make much sense. Praveen just, out of the blue, pulls out a gun and threatens Tony, but there is no build-up to that. Their conversation doesn't sound hostile at all. And why would Praveen pull a gun on him like that? It makes no sense. I suggest having Tony find about Praveen selling drugs to the group members -- maybe he even follows Praveen and we see him dealing drugs to Dhani, or something like that, to connect each vignette better. Threatening Praveen with violence, Praveen then feels threatened and draws a gun... they fight over the gun and Tony ends up killing him. Just something to think about, not saying it has to be exactly like that, but it's an alternative that makes more sense.
Anyway, I see that you wrote this quickly, so you have a decent jumping off point. I still do think the writing can be drastically improved... and the dialogue. I understand that English might be a 2nd language, but it's just hard to follow when they're not speaking to each other in English correctly, not even slang. It's just incorrect and makes it sound like typos in the dialogue or just overall unnatural.
Best of luck with this! And, again, good effort. Keep learning, you're getting better!
First up, you got my name wrong brother. I am Yuvraj.
The script was a little hard to follow, partially because of some of the writing, though I've seen that you're improving bit by bit... keep up the good work!
Sorry as the script was a little hard for you to follow.
I'd just mention their names and descriptions as our focus gets to them -- to keep things moving along faster. This should move at the pace of a film and when you take the time and write 5 lines describing everyone at once, it stops the pace of the read. And it makes it more difficult for us to remember the characters.
I have talked with some personages related with the introduction of the characters, the way I did them in this script. It was fine and the advantage with this way of introduction is that you are introduced with the characters/their descriptions beforehand and then you can read the story without been stopped by the character description (even if it is brief). But it is fine if you are not comfortable with it.
Also, I think it'd sound more natural to have her say, "Praveen" from the start. I know you're trying to set up some mystery here, but it really serves no purpose. There already is mystery with Praveen not being there.
I didn't write the name Praveen right away since I wanted to give the essence of familiarity among the characters. By the way the address-al of Megha was clear since there was only one empty chair.
As for the story itself, the cutaway scenes to SIMI's story (with her son in foster care) and DHANI's story (being mugged while buying drugs) and ANITA (with her brother) seem a little pointless other than to tell us this is a drug support meeting. Their stories offer nothing to the bigger story. The twist at the end with Tony having killed Praveen would have a stronger payoff if, in each individual story, Praveen would have some involvement. I do like the idea of a drug dealer going to a support group to prey on recovering junkies in order to make money. But I think he should be in each of their stories, thus creating a stronger payoff at the end.
The way you wanted the involvement of Praveen in each individual story has got a point but that is not how I conceived the story. The story isn't blatantly trying to address the murder of Praveen but rather the connection the characters share among themselves. The connection of sorrow and hopelessness. It gives them a reason to empathize at the end and to understand the turmoil.
The visual of Tony ending it at the end of the meeting is jarring and effective, but it feels a little out of nowhere. What if he showed up to the meeting high? What if he did drugs to deal with the guilt of killing Praveen? I get that he's saying that what he did was a good thing and that he saved all the people at the meeting... but that maybe needs to be worked on a little bit, too. What if he thought he was doing a good thing but he still feels guilt for what he did? And he can't deal with the guilt, so he kills himself?
Tony knows (even been sober) that by accidentally killing Praveen he may have done right but deep down it is the guilt of killing someone he knew and not rightfully so that makes him take the extreme step.
Also, just to throw this in, how that situation with Praveen and Tony escalated doesn't make much sense. Praveen just, out of the blue, pulls out a gun and threatens Tony, but there is no build-up to that. Their conversation doesn't sound hostile at all. And why would Praveen pull a gun on him like that? It makes no sense. I suggest having Tony find about Praveen selling drugs to the group members -- maybe he even follows Praveen and we see him dealing drugs to Dhani, or something like that, to connect each vignette better. Threatening Praveen with violence, Praveen then feels threatened and draws a gun... they fight over the gun and Tony ends up killing him. Just something to think about, not saying it has to be exactly like that, but it's an alternative that makes more sense.
The point of conversation between Praveen and Tony is not hostility but the feat of rage within Tony that makes him kill Praveen. It is the uncontrollable anger which gets triggered within Tony when Praveen unexpectedly hits him with the gun. If he had not done that, Praveen may have been alive.
Anyway, I see that you wrote this quickly, so you have a decent jumping off point. I still do think the writing can be drastically improved... and the dialogue. I understand that English might be a 2nd language, but it's just hard to follow when they're not speaking to each other in English correctly, not even slang. It's just incorrect and makes it sound like typos in the dialogue or just overall unnatural.
For the dialogs, I purposefully kept them stilted. It is kinda my personal choice that I prefer stilted dialogs since they give the hints of trouble going on the character's mind. It is not that English is my second language(which is not) but I like dialogs that way.
Thank you for reading the script. You rock, Michael.
I have talked with some personages related with the introduction of the characters, the way I did them in this script. It was fine and the advantage with this way of introduction is that you are introduced with the characters/their descriptions beforehand and then you can read the story without been stopped by the character description (even if it is brief). But it is fine if you are not comfortable with it.
It's not moving at the pace of a film the way you have it -- the second we feel like we're reading, that's when you've failed as a writer. You should be SEEING it as we read. You should write it as the camera lets us see it. I felt like I was reading a table of contents at the beginning of a book. I completely forgot what you're characters looked like and how old they were by the time we got back to them. Not saying you're completely wrong, but when you start off a film with a list of characters, it's like watching the opening of a movie and hitting pause. And then just staring at the screen while it's paused. It's not effective writing. This is a visual medium that we need to visualize as it's moving. You completely stop the script so we can meet all these characters at once just to forget what they look like when they finally have something to do in the script. You're going to have to describe your characters anyway, describe them while the focus is on them. This is not a play where you write down the cast of characters on the opening page. It's not a matter of style, it's a matter of making the read easier. YOU NEED. TO IMPROVE. YOUR WRITING. You're never going to improve if you don't take advice or listen to feedback. What's the point of asking for feedback if you're only looking for praise? Sure, praise is nice. But if you're ever going to improve, you should at least listen to what people, who took the time out to read your script, are saying. The way you have it written makes the read a chore. And if it's a chore for a reader, it sure as hell is going to be a chore for a producer or filmmaker who's given dozens of scripts a day. All they have to do is read the first paragraph of your script and it gets tossed to the side. Only reason I took the time to read it is because you've taken the time out to read other people's scripts on the site and comment. Otherwise, I could've read a better written script in half the time.
Quoted Text
The way you wanted the involvement of Praveen in each individual story has got a point but that is not how I conceived the story. The story isn't blatantly trying to address the murder of Praveen but rather the connection the characters share among themselves. The connection of sorrow and hopelessness. It gives them a reason to empathize at the end and to understand the turmoil.
I get that, but it's not a cohesive story. You spend so little time on each story, it's not enough to care. And I've been to drug support meetings... you don't talk for 2 minutes and have the group leaders say, "There, there, you'll get through it... next?" We can already sense the turmoil just by the fact that we're at the meeting in the first place. These characters and their stories have no impact on the overall story as is. There's a way to make their stories matter, show their struggle AND serve the bigger overall story. And you don't do that here. It does nothing for your story or how we feel about your characters. It's boring and there's nothing unique about their situations... I've seen this a million times, their depictions are cliches, both in movies and in real life.
Outside of that, the way you have it, it's just a mess structurally. It's not effective storytelling. And there is no connection between their individual stories. You can be much more creative than just throwing a bunch of different stories into a short script. There's more effective ways to show us their individual struggles and have us have sympathy for them while focusing on the bigger picture. As of now, it's a bunch of puzzle pieces that don't quite fit into the same puzzle.
Think of it like cooking. If you just throw a bunch of ingredients into your pot that don't compliment each other, the overall meal you're cooking is going to taste like shit. I love peanut butter. And I love salmon. That doesn't mean a peanut butter and salmon sandwich is going to taste good.
Quoted Text
The point of conversation between Praveen and Tony is not hostility but the feat of rage within Tony that makes him kill Praveen. It is the uncontrollable anger which gets triggered within Tony when Praveen unexpectedly hits him with the gun. If he had not done that, Praveen may have been alive.
It's very awkwardly written and not believable at all, sorry. They're not having a very hostile conversation and Praveen just pulls out a gun? Nah, bro. Read your dialogue out loud, man. Act out the situation as if it were happening. It sounds like something out of "The Room". It makes no sense.
Quoted Text
For the dialogs, I purposefully kept them stilted. It is kinda my personal choice that I prefer stilted dialogs since they give the hints of trouble going on the character's mind. It is not that English is my second language(which is not) but I like dialogs that way.
I mean stilted as in doesn't sound natural or even realistic, not even realistic for characters under duress. Nobody talks like that in any mood, no matter where their head's are at. You're just using words wrong... you're using past tense in dialogue when it should be present tense -- "Did he came" is not correct. That's not even slang or anything close to it. It's "Did he come", for example.
You're trying to justify bad writing and, often times during your script, incorrect writing. There's redeemable parts of this, but it just doesn't work as a cohesive whole. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who would tell you that.
If you already think your script is so brilliant and doesn't need to be improved, then why ask for HONEST feedback at all?
If you thought that was aggressive, you need much thicker skin, especially in the film industry.
Best of luck with the script. It has enough potential to make it worth rewriting. Most of writing IS rewriting. So, hopefully you give it the proper attention it needs.
If you thought that was aggressive, you need much thicker skin, especially in the film industry.
Best of luck with the script. It has enough potential to make it worth rewriting. Most of writing IS rewriting. So, hopefully you give it the proper attention it needs.
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