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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Dear God. (was Soul Deliverance)
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  Author    Dear God. (was Soul Deliverance)  (currently 485 views)
Don
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dear God. (was Soul Deliverance) by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Drama - A suicide man leaves a letter for God. The Devil himself too arrives to read it. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 20th, 2020, 11:05am
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 3:08am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Barry,

This is the first time that I'm completely clueless as to what the story is trying to convey. Usually, I try to come up with a slightest of hint of what the story's about. But here, I feel helpless. As I finished the script, the only thing I can tell is: SHADOW is from Hell and GLOW is from Heaven. Maybe I'm wrong on that too. They are there to take JASON to their own places. I think by MARY you meant Mother Mary, regarding this also I'm in a fog. The dialogs didn't helped either, they didn't cleared anything.

Few things I noticed:


Quoted Text

23H40. The office floor is moonlit dark, deserted, quite. I single light burns in a far corner office.


Is 23H40 an address?

Maybe it's 'A' not 'I'.


Quoted Text

38' Held tight in his hand.. He went instantly. A faint white light appears above him. A silouette of his head and torso ever so lightly rise as his feet and knees sink into the floor.


What's 38'? Plus this whole action para is confusing, I read it thrice but still couldn't get what you meant.


Quoted Text

A cold breeze flutter loose pagers on the desk.


Is it pagers or papers??

I may sound too captious to you but honestly I was unable to grasp the gist of the story. You may have written this with the best of your intentions and passion but at the end it ended abruptly and gave no reason of it occurring in the first place.

Hope don't take this in a wrong way.

Good luck.


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BarryJohn
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 4:40am Report to Moderator
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Yuvraj, thank you for your read and input.

Typo! A single light...

23H40
   Is the time of night. (24Hour format)

38'  
   38' is an abbreviation for a make/model of a common known revolver. As like a 45'

Held tight in his hand..
   Depicts his fear of taking his own life. Also, a head shot is an instant death in that your gun hand would still tightly hold the gun.

Is it pagers or papers?
Either. The emphasis is on COLD BREEZE to describe the arrival of a spiritual entity.

You say you didn't get the story.. the gist, ending.
  The story is clear.. There is a gist, ending. There's many in fact! We all going to see it differently - That's the beauty of it.    
  
        


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Yuvraj
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 6:13am Report to Moderator
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Maybe you didn't read my feedback properly.

I just wanted to say that it is pretty decent but the way it's written is very subtle.

And I clearly get that you kept the ending sorta open for interpretation but it felt too rushed.

I apologize if you feel that I'm poking your script in the wrong way.

Good luck.


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BarryJohn
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Yuvraj.

No problem.


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
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MikeCashman
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Liked the story but just one thing that really sticks out.  23H40.  This is not the proper way to write 24 Hour Time.  I served in the military for 30 years, and trust me, this is not the way it is done.  You should have just wrote, "Time is 2340."  23, is the 11th hour and 40 minutes.  Got it.  

Regardless, interesting script.  

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MikeCashman  -  June 23rd, 2020, 11:01am
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Max Ruddock
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Hey Barry-John,

I read this a few times and still wasn�t sure about the point of it. Am I right in thinking he ended his life so Mary could benefit from a life insurance payout?

I�d also drop the reference to the time at the start, and not just because it�s perhaps incorrectly formatted, but because it doesn�t appear to add anything to the story as far as I can tell.

I liked how you set the scene though. Was really easy for me
To visualise it.

Good luck with it

Max


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BarryJohn
Posted: May 27th, 2020, 3:45am Report to Moderator
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2340 Got it!

Mike and Max, Thank you both for the read and advise, comments.

THE STORY:
..Can be read, perceived in many different ways,  that was my intension. I gave it no distinctive ending.. That's for you the reader to have your own.

Okay then.. Here's my reading into the story.
The story is not about Mary. Not about Jason, and or what / why he did what he did. Not about the contents of the letter. It's about God. God's disappointment in Jason.

God knows everything about us. Jason was one of his most loved children. A good Christian church going boy that grew-up to be good loving, caring family man. Never had he so much as pulled a wing off a flies back.

Jason was a true believer, and loved God very much. As such, God was saddened by Jason taking his own life. The unbearable though of him going to HELL for such a selfish act.

So the story tells of God wanting to "steal" Jason's soul-- trying to deceive the Devil in that Jason's soul is good and must go to heaven. The Devil does not buy it.. questioning Jason's action and motive. God sadly gives in. Rules are rules, there is not bending them. Take your own life and your soul the Devil will take!

God knew the letters content. He just wanted to personally read it.

The Letter:
Dear God,

Forgive me for I have sinned in the arms of another woman. I've sinned against my wife, children and you God.

Lord I beg of you for my soul to take that my family my pray for my forgiveness.


            


  

  


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
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outrunkid
Posted: June 3rd, 2020, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Hello BarryJohn. I read your script and found that it was a short and sweet piece. I understood that the story is about the battle and argument over an individual's soul and perhaps unlike other readers I understood what was going on.

But I didn't like the ending. Some of the best endings of all time are dark and downers but this kinda to me anyway was very abrupt and as a result the darkness about it was a bit depressing. But that's probably my personal opinion and it's not a bad ending, just one that I personally didn't enjoy.

You need to work on some of your typos and spellings and presentation of words.

23H40 get rid of it. Doesn't make sense and is it even necessary that we know the time?


Quoted Text
The office floor is moonlit dark, deserted, quite. I
single light burns in a far corner office.


This is the first line of the script and there's three things wrong with it - 'quite' I think you meant to put 'quiet'. 'I single' I think you meant to put 'A single'. 'light burns in a far corner office.' Is it a candle? A lamp?

It makes it seem unprofessional.

I noticed some more issues like that, so you may want to go back over it and have a look through.

I think apart from some presentation issues, I think the story works and the dialogue too but in my own personal opinion the ending doesn't.  

Hope this helps.


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MikeCashman
Posted: July 10th, 2020, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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I just read this again and I see that some corrections have been made.  I truly understand the message that is within the script.  We are all brought up in the Christian faith and belief that life is precious.  You only have one chance at life, so it is believed.  If Jason was such a disciple to God, then Jason turned his back on God when he cheated with another woman and he passed judgment on himself by taking his own life.  God still wanted to save him?  God was willing to forgive Jason for what he did.  The Devil, on the other hand, believed that Jason was not punished enough for what he did.

The Devil also informs God that Jason betrayed him by turning his back on his faith and his belief in God.  God is a forgiving God and always has been.  The Devil wants nothing but torment to all evil doers.  The Devil wins the battle and God stands defeated.  A soul God could not save.  That's a powerful punch to absorb.

Interesting script!
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BarryJohn
Posted: July 11th, 2020, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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Mike.

Thank you for reading this updated script, and seeing it (correct) for what it is... I was putting out in this story.  God truly is a forgiving God.

A low budget short I'd love to see been produced... For all to take something out of it.  


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
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