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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  A Black Square
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  Author    A Black Square  (currently 283 views)
Don
Posted: August 6th, 2020, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Black Square by Michal Bilski - Short, Drama - Young man,named DEAN, steals infamous Kazimir Malevich's painting "The Square" from the museum and thereby exposes secrets of modern art. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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BarryJohn
Posted: August 6th, 2020, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Hi Michal

I read that english is not your first language... Best to have your scripts proof read by a first language english person.

Whilst you using a script software... your writing of format is wrong:

QUOTE:
INT. MUSEUM SECURITY ROOM- NIGHT
                  
                                 JACK
                   Oh shit, what the fuck?
Jack hits his desk.

Dialog can't follow straight after a scene heading. Write as....
INT. MUSEUM SECURITY ROOM - NIGHT
Jack hits his desk.
                  
                                 JACK
                   Oh shit, what the fuck?

QUOTE:
EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE MUSEUM - NIGHT

Scene heading must read BIG to SMALL ~ MAIN AREA to SUB AREA....
EXT. MUSEUM - OUTSIDE - DAY

Further to... For all in a shorts, you not going to what to break the readers flow with to much continual MAIN SCENE headings. use SUB SCENES (PS: Scenes are also known as slugs)
In your script the entire story takes place in one location (MAIN SCENE) = MUSEUM

Go with....
INT. MUSEUM - NIGHT
ENTRANCE
Is a large blaa blaa

SECURITY ROOM
Sits a fat man blaa blaa

SECOND FLOOR
Tom makes it to the door. Opening it he enters into the...

STUDY... closing the door behind him. He sees a blaa blaa

QUOTE:
                        NICOLE (C.O.)
       Around that corner you will witness
?? (C.O)  Think you meant (V.O) Voice Over

QUOTE:
                        JACK (O.S)
     (talks with sandwich in his mouth)   - Parenthetical
                  Ghrrr... Hmmm?

Parenthetical is used to express a characters emotion or tone or direction... amongst other.
In this case, JACK is (O.S) so we not seeing the sandwich in any way - Leave it out.


                        JACK
                      (Upset)
         Oh shit what the fuck man!


QUOTE:
DEAN Are we sure we want to do this? (...)I donít know man. Is it a good idea? (...)Of course I want this money. (...) Okay then. Iím waiting for light to blow out and Iím doing it.
?? Don't know what this is... But, its wrong!

ALL said - READ AS MANY SCRIPTS AS POSSIBLE. Its best the way to learn the trade.

Hope this has helped you.

All the best.

    



  





Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
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Michal
Posted: August 10th, 2020, 4:51am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for your feedback.
I was not aware of the errors you mentioned so now I will certainly take them into consideration.

And yes, English is not my first language. However, I don't know if in the case of this story it is restricting my storytelling skills.
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Yuvraj
Posted: August 10th, 2020, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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It is action packed, I'll say this. But the errors take away from the read.

But you know learning is constant. Read as many scripts as possible from various genres. Hope to see more from you.

Good luck.


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