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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Hate
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Don
Posted: October 3rd, 2021, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hate by Steven Sallie - Short, Drama - A young man tries to console his transgender best friend after he is targeted by a bully. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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ColinS
Posted: October 7th, 2021, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi There,

This was very endearing and relevant of the times. The writing was solid, conveyed the emotions really well.

My only issue is the purpose of the story. Because it's short we only know that Alan has been beaten for presumably being a trans person. And we know that Derek is a good friend and has his back. But that is about all we found out - I just wonder if that little bit of back story around Alan and Derek would strengthen their camaraderie in the bathroom.

Why has Derek got Alan's back? Did he maybe have a thing for him when he was a girl?

I dunno - I just felt this one needed a few more pages maybe to set Alan and Derek's relationship. But I could definitely be wrong

Any way - Great little short.



"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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AlsoBen
Posted: October 7th, 2021, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,

Can you confirm you're on the boards?

As the resident SJW avocado-toast-eating millennial, I will point out that reader will be confused that you've introduced Alan as just "trans" and use he/him pronouns. The world still needs more hand-holding - call him a "trans man" so people know what you mean, or even better - FTM trans.


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