Stamp Machine by Roland. Jefferson (RolandJ) writing as Google Boy in Company Three - Short, Drama Crime - The price of stamps continues to rise, especially when there's a woman who wants to deliver a very special message. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahoy writer -- I'm not sure what to make of this one. Still trying to wrap my mind around it. While I like the take on the birds -- a lot of this was confusing. Yes, why didn't he go to the police? His reasoning was silly, and just compounded the issues I had with this. And put out a call...??? A bird call I assume.  Not sure you met the parameters.

Maybe I'm missing something. I'll give it a second pass after I've read a few more.

Kudos for getting one in. Decent effort. Best of Irish luck! -A

Billy and Mason really got an Agent J and Agent K kind of vibe going on there.  Mostly Agent K, as Agent J was a little more emotional.  A very weird story.

I don't get this. Charles kills the birds and also Sylvia (after they kill her?) and the officers just leave?! Sure the whole jurisdiction thing but, they just depart! Sorry but, it's confusing for me.

Good luck.

Being an BIG Alfred Hitchcock fan, I dug the vibe of this story. Some cool scenes like Charles letting the birds out in the post office and Sylvia's body covered in birds.

It was a little out there in the believability though. Like pretty sure Janet, or anyone, would call the police if someone came in and set a bunch of birds free inside the Post Office. Also, Billy and Mason just leave Charles's house with a dead body in the back yard?

It was a pretty easy read, but there are some things you can work on to make your writing flow better. Like try not to use too many "ings" and not to be repetitive.

"A very busy post office with customers buying stamps, money orders, mailing letters, retrieving parcels and packages."

So in the slug, you tell us it's a post office so no reason to say it in the action. I don't think you need the word busy because your description already relays that. Maybe something like, "(describe room) A long line of customers buy stamps, money orders, mail letters, retrieve parcels (packages is repetitive). Also, you don't need (oc) when the school bell rings.

Just keep writing and continue to read other scripts.

Best of luck!!

You used birds to tell us a story that was fresh to me. However, the description of the dead birds was cruel to me.  You should use the birds to help Charles slove his problem, not killed them. Besides, consider telling us more about Sylvia who we knew a little. She was an important character in this story.

Hope this helps

Michael

Your story was difficult to figure out, but I like the vibe and imagery.
Nice Hitchcockian referenses: Birds, Psycho, Janet (Leigh), Silvia (Sydney), (James) Mason, etc.  Maybe you wrote this on the fly, creating as you were typing. Not sure. It's only 6 pages, so you had room to develop. I also enjoyed most of the dialogue and the absurdity of the situation.  However, be careful of dialogue such as, JANET: Sylvia. Your Sylvia?
There was a timeline issue, too. Charles gets a visit by Billy and Mason two weeks after releasing the birds in the PO. Billy and Mason mention Charles' having visited the PO "last week."
Maybe I'm confused.
Also, Charles didn't know that Sylvia had left the post office "over a year ago"?
Anywho, needs work but your story didn't bore me.

Loved the intro with the birds in the post office, great addiction.

But not really sure I got where this went, or why.

But oddly I still kinda liked it!

The timelines in this script are all over the place and it makes for a difficult read. Then again, Charles is unstable, infatuated with Janet, and knows she wants to murder children, so… I guess all is fair in love and war.

The Game and Fish dudes seemed a little off too, that is, not really being concerned there’s a corpse of a woman covered in bird-shit in Charles’ back yard, then again, these are the same people who make mechanical rubber deer so people can shoot at them from their car on the side of the highway then proceed to give them a hefty fine for doing so… I dunno.

There’s a plausible story in here somewhere, you just need to get a fix on the timeline/slugs, and Bob’s your Uncle.

Opening is pretty call, birds flying around and terrorizing a post office. Charles also comes across as a nutter.

After that it's mainly just talking heads until we get to the end and the murder reveal which plays out rather oddly (mainly because of Mason and Billy's complete indifference to it, they seem far more concerned about the birds than a dead woman)

You have a cool story and a great character in Charles on your hands, but quite a bit more work needed to make it a great script.

Writer,

This one felt odd. It could have been helped by the reaction of the federal agents at the end. As opposed to just leaving, maybe they could have done something else like, oh I don’t know, detained him? Anyway, I do like when people get crazy with their stories and this one did. And while the conclusion itself was satisfying and gruesome, the build up left a bit to be desired.

Steve

Google Boy,

Like others have mentioned previously, the first visions in my mind with this were linked to Hitchcock.  Birds being released in the Post Office is intriguing and dark, especially when we find the perpetrator is mentally disturbed.  
The rest of the story...I'm not sure I understand the direction.  There was no mention of a note or other method of Charles finding out about the evil plot. He just seemed to know?  Maybe I missed something.  And the birds.  Did they kill Sylvia or did Charles?  And why were all the birds dead?  I guess I have too many questions.  Anyway, you have a really good base of a dark little story here, just needs a little tightening and direction IMO.

Thanks for sharing in the OWC - wishing you much luck!

Kathy

Okay, Wth!
I mean that in the nicest possibly way, btw. But, I'm completely stymied after reading this.

The biggest problem for me is your pivotal drama all takes place in the past (off screen) and your kookie main character already took care of the problem. Your main character essentially relays the action when you should have put it on screen.

The Fish & Game guys didn't seem fazed at all.
Contact the local cops sounded as if he was suggesting Charles do that.

Formatting needs a cleanup. Cut out all the dissolves and hone up on sluglines (scene headers). Same doesn't apply to a two weeks later scene header in a completely different location.

INT. CHARLES - HOUSE - TWO WEEKS LATER - SAME
Should be:
INT. CHARLES' HOUSE -DAY
Then I suggest you use a SUPERIMPOSE
Two Weeks Later

Your scene heading for your opening should be:
EXT PLAYGROUND-SCHOOL-DAY
EXT. SCHOOL - PLAYGROUND - DAY

No need to mention Sylvia her age showing... She's only 30.
Stress lines is fine on its own.

Fade Up?
I suppose. But Fade In is more conventional.

Strangely entertaining, but I also would like to read the A side.