Dark Passenger by Kathy Cranford (kcranford) writing as Yul B. Sari - Short, Drama, Crime - A man with a dark past grapples with his deadly compulsion.  11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahoy writer -- hmmm... honestly... not sure why you had Doug say:Do you know who I could talk to about this?  Going to the police or local news would seem obvious. Just a minor quibble. Aside from that, I knew exactly what was going to happen. Very predictable. Nope,  I didn't lose interest.

It's funny, Doug reminds me of the Dexter character.  We had a similar idea.

Anywaz, while I liked this - I'm iffy on whether you met all the parameters or not. But I'm entitled to change my mind. Best of Irish luck! -A

It was a short Dexter tale.  I liked the voice-over.  I like melodramatic voice-overs.  Twilight Zone and EC comics-type voice-overs.  I really didn't see the end coming.  It read really quickly.  I liked it.

Hmm, I was settling in nicely for this tale, enjoying the sardonic wit of the V.O. ...

Should have given the Waitress a name at the top.
Everything time-wise is a little too convenient, and the conclusions are reached (without catching her in the act) super fast, but then a 10 page limit does that - speeds things along.

By blatantly naming him Dexter at the end you (no offence) ruined it for me and made me groan. Up till then who knows I might have not made the connection.

I don't quite know how to feel about this cause by your own admission this is already an established character and a day in the life of.

Quite a few things gave away the reveal for me: the title, of course; Police Chief named Deb; the surgical plastic; and the mannerisms of the main character. Despite that, it was a good story with the dialog sounding just as intended. Nice one.

Good luck.

First off the list.

Good job for a OWC. Could use a rewrite though. As it is now, it's a bit too unrealistic for me. You can easily fix that though. Hopefully, some of my comments can help with that.

Just nitpicking here along with some questions I had while reading. I thought you might appreciate it. If not, ignore.  
I have to mention your slugs because they are not standard. I usually ignore things that don’t follow “the rules”. As long as I know what the writer meant, it’s okay with me, but after finishing this script, I got the feeling you might not know what their purpose is. First is INT or EXT telling us if we are inside or outside. Simple. After that, you want to start with the bigger picture. Let’s say HOUSE. If you want a specific place in the house you add that afterwards. INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - After that you need to tell us if it’s DAY or NIGHT. So, in this sample, the slug would read INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT. In that order. Simple.

I want to mention the V.O. though. IMHO, it’s important when doing them that every word matters and we understand what you are trying to say. Here on the first page, Doug mentions his name three times in the first 1/3 of the first page. That comes off as repetitive. Especially so early on in the script. Then I got a little confused and had to reread some of it because it says Doug is his third name after his second death. Then he says he’s been trying to escape the darkness within him for the last ten years. I could of course be really dense, but to me, those two things don’t seem to fit together. The second death thing suggests he’s immortal? But, then he’s only been struggling with this for ten years? It just had me confused is all.

On page two, you write that the town is a stark contrast to his previous life on the city streets. How does an audience see his previous life on film?

Back to dialogue. Why does he say, one coffee is my limit? That’s specific information that made me pay attention to it, but it never comes into play again.

Two women have been murdered in this tiny little town and the police chief just sits at a desk? Seems to me there would be more of a chaos. I get it’s just a one-squad car town or village, but wouldn’t there be reporters everywhere? State police? FBI? Two murders and the chief of police have been out skiing? I know she hasn’t really, but that makes her comment sort of stupid, no?

Doug introduces himself again… I know the chief doesn’t know who he is, but we the audience do, so it’s repetitive. Maybe come up with a different way for her to find out who he is. Also, the chief doesn’t need to introduce herself. He asked for Chief Waters as soon as he walked in. Again, this is repetitive.

On page six, the chief actually offers Doug to work alongside her despite that detectives are on their way from Denver and she has no clue who he really is. He claims to be a reporter but has shown no credentials. Ditto that for his experience in law enforcement. And, now they are going out to lunch?

Why the plastic sheeting on the walls when he just smoothly slices her throat and the blood seeps out into a pool…

Finally, I wished you hadn’t mentioned Dexter in the end. Make Doug your own character instead.

You could create the atmosphere and told us the story clearly. As a crime script, this one was up to standard. Why was it up to standard, not good enough? Because of the following three points.

1. There were no conflicts or obstacles for Doug to face or overcome.

2. The suspenseful atmosphere was not enough.

3 The story was not special enough There are many scripts about serial killers. If you want to stand out among others, you have to make something special.

Hope this helps.

Michael

The scene headers are a little unusual, I'd stick to the standard format unless there's some intent behind the change.

And it's Dexter, and not entirely sure it met all the parameters.

Well done for getting one in.

This one is well written and has a dark vibe to it which is kind of cool. I’m not sure Waters would be so cavalier about talking to Doug re: the murders, being she is the one committing the crimes, but then again maybe she wanted to get a feel as how intelligent this guy is via cracking clues (every criminal makes mistakes regardless of how careful they are), having someone else’s insight could help her to tie up loose ends.

Jumping to conclusions about a text message is a far shot, but I guess you were running out of real estate (pages) and needed to get to the end. This could work as a bigger picture, that being, a journalist traveling town to town as a vigilante while satiating their own blood lust in the process.

Not a fan of using others intellectual property for screenplays, extremely narrows their chances of being made.

The writing itself could do with work, the dialogue itself was a bit wooden at times and i found the police chief to be far too open with a stranger about an ongoing case.

The leap from lunch date to tying her up was huge and jarring, seems the middle act is missing.

Hello Yul,

Interesting take on the theme of this OWC.  It's a little bit of a gamble assuming that readers are "Dexter" fans and will get all the innuendos and style of that series.  You obviously don't have plans for pitching this for sale as, as Matthew states above,  it is someone else's intellectual property.  Other than that, it's a fun idea for an OWC I suppose.  As to the parameters, unlike others, I do think you hit them all (even if some were kind of wedged in as a last minute fix?).  The characters and plot could have used a bit more fleshing out, but that's a challenge with a 10 page limit.  Overall, a nice twist on a Dexter "reboot", but then I'm a long-time fan.  Who doesn't just love a serial killer as your hero? LOL.

Best of Luck,

Kathy

A nice Dexter fan fiction. I liked it.

There were quite a few repetitions throughout and in shorts you want to make every word count, but all in all it was an easy read.

Best of luck.

Writer,

Dexter or no Dexter, I liked this one a lot. The quiet menace of a town and its people in the edge, and the cool stoicism of Doug. All of that really set a nice scene. Ski town serves up an image, the characters dialogue fills in the blanks. Very well done!

Steve

This has potential if you follow the suggestions — especially Pia's —
and clean up the various missteps. If Doug wants to be a reporter,
he should act like one. He never bothered to interview Courtney, who
was a friend of the two victims. You never identified her by name at
the start of the story.
Doug needs to whip up some press credentials. Easily done.
Some of the character inconsistencies likely were due to trying to meet
the parameters of the OWC.
You ran out of pages for a chase scene, but one the rules of the OWC
are off, go back and make this story Doug's — not Dexter.
Still, I did enjoy the read.

Thank all of you so much for the reads and comments. Several comments were made about the excessive voice overs. Here’s my reason (or excuse LOL). If you aren’t familiar with the Dexter series, they use “Inner Dialogue” to place you inside the mind of a serial killer. I was trying to emulate that style - although probably “done badly” as mentioned in the quote below. Here’s what one review had to say about the voice overs:

“Every episode we get to hear Dexter’s thoughts. Not the chaotic jumble of natural human thinking, but an organised monologue about things from his past and what he feels about his current situation. Dexter addresses the audience directly, letting us know where he’s at. Done badly, this could just be crude exposition, but here it adds depth to proceedings, showing what can’t be seen on the face of a stone cold killer.”

Again, thank you for all the reads and comments. Another great learning experience thanks to Steve, Don and all of you!

Boy, my comments seemed kind of cranky, didn't they...

It was meant to be helpful. Honestly.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Boy, my comments seemed kind of cranky, didn't they... It was meant to be helpful. Honestly.

Not at all!  I took a gamble that people would be familiar with the series and the way the character is portrayed.  I very much appreciate your comments.  Thx so much!