The Unmuted by Derrick Vernon - Short, Drama - Kevin is a superb basketball player at his high school with an impairment, because of a failed surgery, Kevin is mute and only communicates through sign language. Kevin is persuaded to celebrate with his team. But that same night, he suffers humiliation, which leads to a terrifying event that turns into a blessing while creating a monster. 25 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hello How's it going? Are you interested in this script of mine?

I was interested in your script enough to lend some advice. I hope you find it helpful as I put in quite a bit of thought and time into my comment.

I was drawn to your story by the title. It really defines the story and has a creepy tone to it. I think it might be better if it was just “Unmuted”. It echoes with a whisper when I read it. Whisper it to yourself and imagine that as the end of the commercial trailer.

This was an interesting story of violent revenge. I felt bad for Kevin even as he committed heinous crimes. The ending was satisfying. I usually don’t like violence but the mean kids deserved it.

There were a couple of plot problems worth addressing:
One is that Brandy talks to Kevin in sign language. I don’t understand why. Kevin is mute but not deaf. He hears just fine. She can speak to him in a normal voice and make your job as a writer much easier.

Also, a billion dollars is WAY too large an amount for a medical lawsuit of this nature. To be cold, I would say it’s laughably ridiculous. Ten million would be more reasonable (still high) but would still be enough for evil people to scheme.

There are a lot of typographical problems in this script that need to be addressed if it is going to be taken seriously. There are places where words have apostrophes when they are plural and without apostrophes when they are possessive. I see places where you have it right so I think the problem is that you need to proofread more. Same with missing punctuation and simple capitalizations at the beginning of sentences.

The first format problem is that you don’t have a title page. That is a page with the name of the story and your name as the author. Look at other scripts on this site and you will see what I’m talking about. The importance is that the title page has contact information so that a producer can contact you. If somebody printed this out and handed it to a film studio, how would they know who wrote this and where to reach you? I know you used Celtx. I don’t know how to make a title page in Celtx. You will need to look that up.

A minor formality to point out: The first thing you should write in screenplays should be FADE IN. If you are writing something for a competition with a limited page count, or if you are established in the business, you can get away without FADE IN. If you are an unknown writer starting out, I recommend it.

You need to introduce every character. You do this by typing their name in ALL CAPS when they first appear. Most writers put an age in parentheses and a brief description of the character. Your opening line should read: DOCTOR STEVENS operates on a baby boy.

Also, avoid using verbs that end in “ing” and keep your parentheticals short. If it’s more than one quick line, pull it out and make it an action line. For example, after the slug line that reads: INT. KEVIN’S MOM’S HOUSE – DAY, you should have action text: Kevin eats breakfast. His mom walks in.

After that, he speaks to her in sign language. I’ll address that further down but that whole block of action should not be in parentheses.

You start out the story with a flashback in the hospital. That’s good but you need to tell us that it’s a flashback. There are different ways to establish a flashback. I would recommend a setting or slug line with the words: BEGIN FLASHBACK. I would end it with END FLASHBACK.

At the end of your opening scene you have a bit of camera direction.  Unless you have financial backing and are going to produce this project yourself, keep the camera direction to a minimum. Better yet, keep it out completely. By showing camera direction, you run the risk of chasing away any producer who reads this.

You have a unique problem with this script in that the central character is mute and speaks in sign language. This presents challenges to making it clear but it’s important to the story so you can’t ignore it. There are many ways to address sign language in a screenplay.

I did some research to see if I could find a way to show you. Personally, I would put a note at the very top of the first page before FADE IN. In that note I would point out that the character Kevin is mute and has to speak in sign language. For other options, here is a link to a Youtube video that may be helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7To73gZHY0&t=1s
The part about sign language starts at about 4:33.

You have an additional challenge in that Kevin somehow gains the power to speak and does so from time-to-time. To address this, I would put the sign language dialog in italics, and say so in the note mentioned above. When Kevin speaks with his voice, I would treat it as normal dialog. This will go a long way to clear things up.

Your biggest problem by far is that the story is not clear and is not written as a script. In many places, it’s written like a short story. Right now, it’s 25 pages but it could easily be over 70 pages. It’s not because it’s too short and you need to add more, it’s because what you wrote needs to be broken up to make it clear and make it read like a script.

For example, there is a HUGE block of action text on page two. This could easily be broken up into five or more pages. You start out with a scene in the locker room where, after you introduce the coach, he fires up the players. This would have its own slug line INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY. It would help to have the coach say his impassioned speech. While it uses up precious time and page count, possibly unnecessarily, what fires up a team can also fire up an audience.

Next, you have the player introduction. Again, this is a new scene with a new slug line.

After that, you have the game. This would be played out as a montage. Look up how to do this. You would show some fantastic moves, shots and rebounds. You would have some camera direction (I know I said not to do this) showing the runaway score. The montage would end with the celebrations.

After that you would start a new scene with the interview with the reporter. A new slug line would set the location of the interview like: INT. GYM – LATER. You would introduce the reporter as a character. You would have dialog between Kevin and the reporter. You would show Jordan and other players (you should name them if they later become part of the story) looking on with hateful expressions. You should write out the dialog between them as they form their plot.

There are several blocks of action text that should be broken up this way. The top rule in writing screenplays is “Show don’t Tell”. Don’t tell us what people say or what they think.

People say things in dialog like how you have the opening conversation between Kevin and his mother. That’s the right way to do it. You don’t do it by telling us. In the block of action text on page 12, you tell us that Kevin opens the door and asks Brandy if she is okay and she tells him that Jessica is dead. That should all be dialog like you have on page one.

Look over all of the big blocks of action text throughout your screenplay. Rewrite them so that they look more like your opening page. Get rid of any of Kevin’s thoughts and feelings. Re-phrase things in a way so that a camera can point to it and a microphone can record it. He can say things to himself like, “I know who chased me! It was …” When you are done, you will have many more pages. I’m guessing it will be about 75 pages, maybe more. Also, as you re-write this, don’t let any action paragraphs be longer than four lines. Two blocks of four-line paragraphs are better than one paragraph of eight lines. It reads much better. Producers like that.

There are other problems to address at another time. You have enough to fix first as it is. After a few passes, I think this can be turned into a first class screenplay.