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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Steven Seagal: Psychic Warrior
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  Author    Steven Seagal: Psychic Warrior  (currently 157 views)
Don
Posted: December 6th, 2018, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Steven Seagal: Psychic Warrior by Jax Kincade - Short, Dramedy - The true story of iconic action film star Steven Seagal's "enlightened warrior" status that the CIA, NSA and NBA didn't want you to know about! 9 pages - pdf format

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HyperMatt
Posted: December 9th, 2018, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Sounds intriguing. Have not heard this story before, but clear this is younger in cheek. The text on the first page on its own should be with the rest of the script under SUPER.  This is not a book.


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HyperMatt
Posted: December 15th, 2018, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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This is an odd one. To me, it is clearly written to be tongue in cheek.
I don’t know that much about Seagal, other than Michael Ovitz made him a big star in the 90s, married Kelly Brook, and that he is present dodging questions about sexual harassment. The script does show him as a deluded narcissist in his odd world. But I felt there should be more to the story.

Best thing about the script is Seagal’s lines.

I think your descriptions are often not straightforward and are complex.  E.g., the first three paragraphs at the start, where you describe the chair and Dequan, you could have easily had all that as one paragraph instead of three, you don’t seem to indicate that the chair is seen before Dequan who is sitting there. You do this thing on page 3 where you write the characters name, then below it you write the action of the character. I don’t know why you did this on this. You should write the character and what they are doing in one paragraph.
And you do this thing on some sentences where you end it with… and it continues on the next paragraph. Try and simplify your stuff for the outsider. I think you should ease off on the camera directions, unless of course you are directing it yourself.

I do like the ‘Although Remote Viewing has been labelled’ text at the story. It gets you in the mood of the satire this is going to be. I would get rid of the ‘wink wink’, thing at the beginning.

The CUT TOS are redundant, so you can get rid of those. I think you have read a lot of scripts, but those scripts are shooting scripts, which are different from spec scripts.
A lot of … a term I recently learned here, ‘unfilmables’. How do we know that Director John Wells has 40 years CIA experience, you’ve got to show it by what we see or by dialogue.


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DanielW
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Jax,

You could actually visualise Steven Segal playing this. It gave me a few laughs.

Daniel
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HyperMatt
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Somehow, I don't think he would be amused by this.


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