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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  A Quiet Night
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  Author    A Quiet Night  (currently 147 views)
Don
Posted: August 15th, 2020, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Quiet Night by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Dramedy - A quiet hotel bar. An attractive woman and a handsome man will wit each other for the prize of each other.  8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Yuvraj
Posted: August 15th, 2020, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Enflammer votre imagination.

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Yo, Barry,

This was nice to read. Easy to follow and fun to read.

But why do you bold your character's name above the dialog? It is distracting. At least for me.

Regardless, it is good.

Bonne chance!


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD
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BarryJohn
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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Yuvraj

Thank you very much for the read and comment in enjoying the story. I'll check out that bold character.

Thanks again.


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LC
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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BarryJohn, your logline reads:

A quiet hotel bar. An attractive woman and a handsome man will wit each other for the prize of each other.
I think you mean attempt to outwit or outsmart each other for the ultimate prize...

No need for 'quiet hotel'.

Having read the script however, it's more that she propositions him and he beats her at her own game.

She's dressed in a sexy short, off the shoulder, red dress.
Red high-heels. She sits prim in posture. Back straight, one
leg crossed provocatively over the other... we add seductive
with attractive. The kind of woman we stay away from in
bar's... Unless we inebriated in confidence.


This is too much of a shopping list for wardrobe. It needs condensing and it's too studied. Prim in posture but provocative?

Suggestion: ...dressed in a figure-hugging dress, bare tanned legs, Try and give us an image in the least amount of words. You don't need the straight back, legs crossed bit.

Walking up from behind her, to come sit at the bar, not to
far from her, is MIKE. He's in his late 20's, tall, dark,
athletic. Well-tailored black pants, shoes and a white shirt
with its sleeves rolled up just past the wrist. HANDSOME, in
a strong manly manner - A real woman's man.


Again, simplify. Mark, late 20s, tall, dark, athletic build, dressed in tailored suit (give us some character here, again, not a shopping list) - perhaps: designer-labelled threads, meticulously groomed, takes a seat at the bar beside her. He oozes confidence and sex appeal.

Btw, on your title page:
No need for Revised draft or your phone number or an alt email. It looks cluttered to me and you don't want to give out those details. One email contact is enough.

Insert a colon after you FADE IN:

Bar tender is one word. Maybe just call him Barman or if a she, Barmaid.
...walks off back to his glasses. Just, walks off.
Typo: quite where is should be quiet.

he catches into Sandra
looking at him with seductive eyes. He gives her a nod of
acknowledgment.


Suggest something like:
He catches Sandra eyeing him up and down. He winks at her.
Sure is quite, should be: Sure is quiet.

(Short-off. Not looking
at her)

I've no idea what this wrylie indicates? It's not even needed imho.

It's 11pm. Suggestion:  It's Eleven o'clock. Or just: It's late.

(Annoyed)
And you asked... Can this woman
just shut the fuck-up!

I'm really not convinced this way of using V.O. is working for you.

And you in..?
And you're in...? Or: And your line of business is...?

(Turns his head to her)
You don't need all these wrylies.

Entertainment. I like to please... Sounds awkward.
I'm in the entertainment business (might sound more natural)

(Provocative)
Another wrylie that's not needed imh. Her hand on his leg should do the trick, or equivalent action.

Considering its late, (should be: it's late - insert apostrophe.

Two Hundred..?
There should be three periods e.g. ...?

I should not have asked.
I'm not a man that pays for it.

Use the contraction to make it sound more natural: '
I shouldn't have asked.
Sorry, I've never had to pay for it, and, as lovely as you are,
I'm not about to start now.

of his leg.
(Should be: off his leg

false smile
Maybe: insincere smile

There are big gaps in some of your formatting of paragraphs in both dialogue and action. Weird gaps.

a passion SIGH.
A passionate sign.

Sandra melts - her tense body relaxes as he removes his hand
from her back.. and her leg.
(BEAT)
She straightens

These (beats) look odd the way you're formatting them, and they're a bit retro.

She gives him an EXHAUSTED - blush look...

Face flushed, or: She throws her head back with
exhausted satisfaction.

dumb-found - gasp look.
dumbfounded look.

Okedoke, I'll stop there.
Hope it's helpful.

The story, while a little clichéd is nice with a humorous twist but it's needs streamlining imho, and all the typos etc., cleaned up.


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BarryJohn
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hi LC

Thanks for the read and comments thereto. I'll have to "play around" with it tonight. Give it a clean. It was quite a challenge to write a love scene...

Thanks again.


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BarryJohn
Posted: August 18th, 2020, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Thanks again LC. I done a good few changes in respect to your comments. It reads smoother and sexier now.  


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LC
Posted: August 18th, 2020, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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You're welcome, Barry.


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