Old Man Crim's Holiday Treats by A Member - Short, Horror - Not every holiday tradition is...palatable. 3 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format

SICK!

SPOILERS MAYBE...

I can't really say this was a horror... but it was horrible and twisted. Crim is a weird character, which I liked, but it is pretty sick what happens. Also, there is only a slight mention of milk, but I guess it doesn't state in the rules how much of milk (the subject) needs to be in it.

Very well written, nothing much to do about milk, not horror but horribly twisted. Quite a good little tale of sickness this one.

Jamie

I thank god we dont have the Halloween traditions in Australia! This is certainly a very chilling tale, but yeah as parkster said, little reference to milk and although the content is horrorfying its not particularly horror.

Very well written though and i couldnt help but yell "dont take the treats kids!"

This was SPLENDIDLY disgusting. This one was awesome I thought. You do a fantastic job of setting the mood, and describing Old man Crim and his house and hobbies. Great descriptive stuff. I pictured it perfectly, (even though I didn't want to) Milk was a slight mention, but I guess he did drink it and piss it out, aya? So, I guess that's prudent. Maybe if the excercise was about tootsie rolls, it would have been more relevant. But man, twisted stuff. A true tale of why they always say parents should check the candy.

This was gross, and I guess if you were one of them kids it could be classified as horror cause that would truly horrify me.  

This one didn't really have anything to do with milk, it was funny, but it seems missplaced in this exercise.

I can see how this is horror -- I mean, if this dude lived next door to me, I would be pretty horrified.  Being repulsive can certainly count as horror.

But yeah, milk plays a pretty minor role here.  And I don't know about that picture at the end.  I mean, it's cute and all, but I am pretty sure you aren't supposed to do stuff like that.

I liked it pretty good, though.  A unique one, at least.

I pretty much cringed through most of the way through this.  Your writing style, whoever you are, is straightforward and descriptive.  I just wish you had worked it in somehow for old man Crim to have the tables turned on him.  Because of that this was less than satisfying but still a good read for only three pages.

Good descriptive writing, but I don't see a story here. He just does a disgusting thing, and that's it.

I love the tiny picture beneath the last Fade Out on the 3rd page. I laughed at that for a while. But wow, this was truly disgusting when I found out that he put the refined tootsie roll inside the jackolantern bucket. I literally screamed out, "Oh my God!" and I started reading faster to find out what was going to happen next, even though I already had an idea of what it was going to be.

Though, as the other people have stated before, this had little to do with milk, but, hey, at least you mentioned it!

Sean

Hey.

Quoted from MonetteBooks I don't see a story here. He just does a disgusting thing, and that's it.

I think monette is completely right.

Add that to a small usage of milk and the fact that many of us, including me, don't consider it horror and you have quite a lot of revising ahead of you.

I could picture it all though, so your descriptions of action and the setting was fine, and their is nothing to complain about with a dialogue, so fine job there.

-Tyler

CONTAINS SPOILERS

This was the first one I read. I think it's a good one for Halloween, but kinda fell short of the challenge... I too would have liked to read some kind of a twist at the end.
Idea... the milk carton was open and on the counter, maybe some poison was on top of the fridge, and it spilled over into the milk ??? He's  poisioned himself, and drops dead before giving the kids their treats. LOL
I don't know.
Congrats though. At least you wrote a script   I wasn't able to this time.

Cindy

Not really a horror, but still good. I liked the attention to detail in the way that it has been written, the descriptions are, well, descrptive without dragging on or becoming boring so kudos to the writer.

Praise Jebus we don't do Halloween down under. But then again, the children deserve it. I don't like children very much. They creep me out.


Cheers, Chism.

Got nothing to say that hasn’t already been mentioned by other readers, but I’ll try to expand on three main topics in order to -- hopefully -- offer some more detailed insight to the author.

Horror: Eating pee flavored candy might be disgusting, but it’s not terrifying. You’ve got a very sick minded character which seems capable of doing terrifying things, but he didn’t do them “on screen”. This script might be a good introduction to an horror short, but doesn’t have any horror in it right now. Work a bit more on this fellow, on the evil things he might be capable of doing; I think that could contribute to give this piece a good horror feel.

Milk: It’s got to have some relevant part to play in the story. The point of the exercise was to come up with a story in which “milk”, or something closely related to it, could be scary. In this current draft, “milk” isn’t important to the story; the reference to it seems circumstantial. The main character could have drunk anything in order to pee.

Story: There isn’t any conflict in this piece; I think that’s what could have lead other readers to mention that this short lacks in the story department. You’ve got a character that does something naughty, and a bunch of kids who doesn’t realize what this guy did. Find a way to have different characters with different interests/goals and make them “fight” to achieve them; that’s conflict (i.e. the kids’ parents find out what Old man Crim is doing and come after him, but he has some surprises for them as well, etc.)

I can see some potential for a good OWE entry here, bur right now I feel like it needs a bit of work. Hope I helped.

I enjoyed this little tale in a twisted frenchkiss-my-grandma sort of way.  There was some gothic horror element to it, I thought.  Your brief mention of milk didn't do anything for me, though.

You could tighten this script a little bit.  You put in a lot of detail which could be taken out.  If this was filmed, I wouldn't see it running anymore than ninety seconds.


Phil

You could have had it be rotten milk that he drinks, then pisses out, then dips the chocolate into.  Oh yeah.  Would have involved the milk theme a bit more.

Anyway, this script has given me a fantastic idea.  Some day I hope to do something like this--to just one kid.  I'll have a bowl full of candy to give out-one of which has been tainted-and give it to some unlucky child.  Oh man.  Haha.

Nice concept.  Not much on horror or milk, but a good idea, nevertheless.

I knew there's a reason why I don't live in california.  Greg.

Quoted from greg Anyway, this script has given me a fantastic idea.  Some day I hope to do something like this--to just one kid.  I'll have a bowl full of candy to give out-one of which has been tainted-and give it to some unlucky child.  Oh man.  Haha.

Greg, don't ever drink out of those little bottles in the mini bar at the hotels if the seals are broken. I've heard where some people "taint" them the same way to get out of having to pay  

I sooo know who wrote this!

Terse, descriptive writing with extreme attention to detail, zero mistakes. I LOVE it.

This author is in my zombie script, displaying the same naughtyness and slight touch of evil shown here.

If I'm wrong about the author, well take it as a huge compliment, because he's one of my favorite writers here.

Milk plays such a small role in this script that if this was submitted for any challenge, i'm sure this would fit. It is as if you had a funny idea, - which was funny i'll give you that- and said, "What the hell, i'll just make him drink a little milk to make the script relevant to the task at hand".

I did enjoy it though, because i was wondering what he was going to do with the candy. I though the descriptions were spot on but what's with the little caption at the bottom? Could do without that, but i don't know, maybe you're in the halloween spirit lol. Also the way you've introduced the title is a little weird. Would work better with a title page.

i like the character Old Man Crim, i feel you could extend this and we would laugh more at his antics.
                                             Good Work,
                                                              Robert

Ew.

Well written, brief and to the point.  But...ew.

****SPOILERS****

This one basically just resorts to grossness in place of horror or suspense.

I know the main character is an old man but you still need to put an age in there for clarity’s sake.

The actual writing is technically pretty good except for stuff like this:

“coax the stream forth.” --  haha. This has to be the funniest description of peeing I’ve ever read.

The story is non existent. It’s basically a gross-out scene. Even shorts need to have at least some semblance of a story.

So overall, the script is crafted well on a technical level but is creatively lacking. Doctoring children’s treats is such an obvious device and grossness over story is a common problem with horror scripts/films.

Also, you need to drop the picture at the end. It’s unnecessary and against protocol.

Brea

I agree with all of the obvious points made by others.

More gross that scary.  But I was entertained for 3 pages.
Okay, I got a belly laugh out of the old man's glee in performing such a dispictable act.

I'm surprised that the old guy didn't wake up in the middle of the night, go to the kitchen for some milk and end up drinking his own excess.

Maybe Crim should turn on the TV and hear that some kid died from eating tainted candy.
And then around 4 a.m., a pint-sized Michael Myers comes a calling.
Trick or Treat, Crim-inal.

Fortunatly here in Brazil hasn't Halloween tradition's too! Who wrote this one like a lot of pug...doesn't matter! Well written and gave us mortals the mood how that bastard useless old man did his joke! Next challenge will be Unrine / Terror, won't be?

Ahh

Nasty. I'M officially off tootsie rolls forever. LOL. This was a good read though it doesn't have much to do with milk. Good thing i'm not a trick-or-treater any more cuz i've woulda been overly cautious this halloween. I think i know who wrote this due to an ordinance of words...."Brow furrowing"
this is pretty short to....what a disgusting old fart. But I guess it less worse than razor blades in apples...or is it?

-Shawn

Quoted from Shawnkjr Nasty. I'M officially off tootsie rolls forever. LOL.

I always used to throw the toosie rolls away when I was a kid. Now I'm glad I did.

Eeeewww!!!!

I';ll have to give you props for simplicity and a disgusting streak. This feels more like an urban legend than a horror flick, but the horror here is of a darker, more sinister nature than Michael Myers could ever conjure. My stomach is still churning.

I'll give you a well done, and move along commenting on what a sick puppy you are...

Hmm yes.  Well, I happened to be in a mood to enjoy this.  Another day I might not have been.

Your description was excellent though.  I thought it managed to remain relatively tasteful while still having some kick to it.  It was also ever so sly.  Godo stuff.

Quoted from Don The writers are revealed: Old Man Crim's Holiday Treats by Robert Newcomer

Bert, Bert. What am I going to do with you? I should have known by the word, “palatable” that this was yours. It’s very well written. That’s for sure. But I just never thought you’d write something so…well…disgusting.

This is my official apology to anyone who read this haha.

Like a few other participants, I had a very limited amount of time, but really, really wanted to play.  This is the very first idea that sprang to mind, and was written over the course of a few hours -- off and on.

And I decided to have some fun with the anonymous angle this time --

-- I always seem to get "outed" pretty early on -- so this time I kind of wanted to get bashed -- and set out to do just that.  I even put a picture in it!  How incorrect is that?

"People are going to hate this!" I was chuckling to myself as I typed.

Does any of that make any sense?

So I was kind of surprised when this story found it's small fan-base.  What a bunch of sickos around here....

But I had so hoped for a good Breanne-Bashing -- I had never been on the receiving end of one of those before -- and was so happy to get one!  Thanks, Brea!

And as for the rest of you -- well, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves  

well it's nice to know, Bert, that I am not the only sicko on this site

Do your kids read your stuff, cause I bet if they read this they ain't gonna let you anywhere near their Halloween candy.

Good job though

Quoted from bert I liked it pretty good, though.  A unique one, at least.

I love going back and lookiung what people wrote about their own scripts to throw others off their tales.  I find it exremely amusing.

Quoted from bert But I had so hoped for a good Breanne-Bashing -- I had never been on the receiving end of one of those before -- and was so happy to get one!  Thanks, Brea!

You’re welcome. If I had known it was you, I would have really blasted you.

The really funny thing is that, even when you’re trying to write a bad script, you couldn’t bring yourself to format it incorrectly -- haha! Except for the candy picture, the format is impeccable.

Haha! You bastard! Now that I know who this is, I might go back to my review and throw in some additional evil comments.  

Lmao i kinda feel a little bad for giving a negative review at points but i suppose that the ambiguity is what this competition is about.

You're right Bert, would love to see Old Man Crim and Teddy interact. That would be a script.
                                   Thanx,
                                             Robert.

I would have loved to see the Chucky doll come to the door and bite a big hunk out of Crim's leg.

Hi "dirty old man" Bert

I could perfectly picture sitting behind your computer and giggling as you were typing.
Anyway, you could have more underlined the milk if it had been mixed with Crim's own liquid as a cake ingredient. You once told me I was nuts, but now I think we're two of the kind.

Anyway I had fun. Good job.

Michel

Was there really no-one else that assumed this was Bert?  He's the first one I thought of.

Quoted from Heretic I happened to be in a mood to enjoy this.  Another day I might not have been.

And another day I might not have written it....

Quoted from Heretic Was there really no-one else that assumed this was Bert?

Higgs and maybe 1 or 2 others -- but I really have no idea how -- and I am still deciding whether to be complimented or offended....

Quoted from michel ...but now I think we're two of the kind.

Your alternate ending for "Paramour's" still raises a shudder when I think of it....

Welcome back from your vacation, and thanks for the look.  This OWE turned out to be particularly fun, I think.

Wow! This was certainly repulsive. What's far more shocking is that this is a Bert Newcomer script. It certainly doesn't feel like one. I would never have guessed. Anyway, I don't think I liked this one. Technically speaking, it's very well-written. It's descriptive and correctly formatted but I don't think it's much of a horror story, just a guy handing out urine-soaked candies to unsuspecting kids. But you already know that, of course .

All in all, I don't think this script was meant to be liked and I didn't like it so... good job?

Quoted from James McClung All in all, I don't think this script was meant to be liked and I didn't like it so... good job?

Haha!  Another victim!

As usual, James, your assessment of my intent is spot on.

How do you do that so often?

Liked the way you focused on the visuals instead of putting in any dialogue which would have been unneccessary. By far the sickest and well written entry in the contest that I've read so far.

Bert,

Nice one here. Had enough time to read a three pager. I woulda liked a little motivation on Crims part. Maybe the kids smasked his pumpkins passed two Halloweens.

Also, Would've like to see a little research done as far as what he could drink to increase the potency of his urine. Alot of beer pretty much turns it into water. Believe me, I've scene this happen with me own eyes.

All in all, frickin disgusting. Wish Screenrider were around to read this one.

Love the Tootsie Rolls at the end.

James

Bert,

This is a one joke script, and I liked the joke.
Deviant humor trumps motivation for a deliciously twisted trio of pages.
It's ironical you chose a turd like candy to dip in urine, its the double whammy.
This was good unclean fun, then again, I'm not a Tootsie Roll fan. =p

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from jwent6688 ...one of these days I'd like to take a big hot steaming turd on one of your scripts...

And you missed your chance haha.

I cringed when I saw this one go up as SotD -- and I always shake my head when somebody actually likes it.

Not that I do not appreciate the comments, of course, but this script was written to be despised.

It was (perhaps) the first OWC pisstake.*

Quoted from jwent6688 Also, Would've like to see a little research done as far as what he could drink to increase the potency of his urine.

What a crazy comment haha.  Are you drinking now?

Quoted from jwent6688 Wish Screenrider were around to read this one.

I had not even thought of that...me, too, now that you mention it.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Deviant humor trumps motivation for a deliciously twisted trio of pages.

A nice, succinct turn of a phrase.  Like it.  Thanks guys!


*"Pisstake" is a registered trademark of the SimplyScripts OWC.

Hey Bert -

Back to stalking your scripts.  Only got a few more to go.  Couldn't resist this one, especially when you describe it in your list with a "please don't read this one" description.

You were right.

Ew.  

But it's short!  (And for what it's worth, the descriptions of Crim at the beginning are nice.)  

Quoted from wonkavite Couldn't resist this one, especially when you describe it in your list with a "please don't read this one" description. You were right.

Disclaimers are there for a reason haha.

I actually enjoy the thread for this one more than the actual story -- which is really the primary reason I haven't pulled it down and burned it.

Thanks for "stalking" this one, wonks, but perhaps some things are better left buried....